SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Inasmuch as I've reached out to people here, I have the feeling that - for some reason - "my" situation doesn't warrant any credence.

I vacillate between getting out of my situation while I read all the horror stories. Trouble is that I'm still hurting and I have no validation for those feelings.

I've gotten no answers, so I speculate each and every day as to "why" someone who seemingly loved you, cast you aside without any remorse, any explanation, any semblance of what once was.

This is what I struggle with- the feeling that you were so insignificant- the feeling that the history meant nothing.

It's a horrible feeling- a feeling that nothing was real. And that's what I struggle with every day. To give so unselfishly to another and it turned out like nothing ever happened between us. This is why I feel so sad when I read the stories here - how someone can just turn their back on a promising relationship- something that years has produced- something that could have been reconciled and brought even greater joy as a couple.

This is what I feel- relationships are so complex, yet they shouldn't be so hard."If" two people are committed to figuring out what's out of whack- figuring out their wounds and the kind and gentle way to help each other through that, then there's a chance to finally connect with their lover.

In theory of course.

There are a lot of us here who wonder how we could have been so "insignificant", the feeling that we were missing reality.

Unfortunately, it takes 2 to make a M, but only 1 to break it.

Human beings are incredibly complex, and the more difficult their lives have been the more complex and problematic they are.

Relationships are not easy. The idea that they should be, or that relationships that require effort are somehow "less than" is kind of juvenile.

Like anything else worthwhile, a good relationship requires work.

I'm not sure why you think your story doesn't warrant any credence - is it because you are not married?

If so, that isn't the case, cheating is cheating, whether it is on a spouse, a girlfriend/boyfriend or partner.

Infidelity hurts, it hurts even more when you ahve an unremorseful partner.

It is hard to understand how/why someone tosses aside a relationship for an affair.

It does leave us, the BS, completely blindsided.

(((Tim)))

While, I'm not always a daily regular here...I can tell you that sometimes, when I read a person's post...if there's not much detail, not much to go off of...it's hard to comment on it. So, my best advice to you on here is...if you want feedback, commiseration, empathy, or anything else...the more you provide the more likely you are to get that back.

You'd be amazed how often we see posts on here that are so short, with no information...and people are hurt that no one responds (but how do you respond???)

Even in this post...you really aren't telling us what you are feeling besides not feeling validated, validated in what feeling???? Give us more to go on here...it really does help us, and you.

TimMe, have you thought about reaching out for support from the other men at this site?

There is a huge and awesome group of them that will understand your situation very well if you go into the I Can Relate forum and find the Men's thread.

Like you, I was also in a long relationship with someone I was not married to. I did get often times that I should just leave him, but I never felt that any members of SI felt their experiences were above mine. I do understand that from some others' perspectives, I was the lucky one to be able to be able to break it off and start over with no repercussions to family or lifestyle, and able to start over.

Everyone's situation is unique and no one knows what its truly like in your relationship. Even if you were M, there would be strong opinions offered here that are sometimes off the mark for you. People offer their help from their own experiences, and sometimes it may be a bit distorted or biased. Its up to you to see which may help you out, but there is a lot of wisdom and support here.

And as others have said, relationships are not easy. What makes us think that a relationship should just naturally hold itself together just because two people love one another? They take a lot of work, like anything else worth cultivating.

Just because you don't have a piece of paper that legally binds you to a person and you didn't utter "til death do we part" doesn't mean it hurts any less.

TimMe, there are a great bunch of guys here on SI and a great bunch of girls who will help you if you just tell us how we can. That is why we are here. To help each other through one of the most devastating things, other than death, a person can go through.

I don't know if this will make any sense, TimMe, but I'll try.

Sometimes, when I read a post, the situation is so far out of my personal orbit, there is nothing I can say; I may be able to offer hugs, but sometimes I'm overwhelmed by my lack of insight.

Other times, the post is so close to my situation that it brings on overwhelming sadness and paralysis--I'm not able to reply.

Every once in a while, a reply just comes to me with utter clarity--I can't type the words fast enough!

Keep posting; your situation deserves credence no matter what you write.

(((((TimMe)))))

TimMe,

I don't know your story, but we have a lot in common. Particularly the 'why' question. I got the answer a couple of years into the process. The REAL answer was that my H was emotionally immature. He's working on that and I'm working on me. But the utter despair, I understand.

"my" situation doesn't warrant any credence

Why do you say this? It isn't true, I know that...

Inasmuch as I've reached out to people here, I have the feeling that - for some reason - "my" situation doesn't warrant any credence.

If you feel this way because you were not M.....neither was I and I've been here for...forever.

There are many, many, many of us here who were not M but receive the same support as those who are/were M.

I've gotten no answers, so I speculate each and every day as to "why" someone who seemingly loved you, cast you aside without any remorse, any explanation, any semblance of what once was.

Some of us never get the "answers" we are looking for.

Unfortunately, the reasons for infidelity are as numerous and as varied as the people who are engaged in A's. It's just a fact.

I will never fully understand why he felt the need to destroy what we had. If you read my profile you will see that our R was the envy of our friends.

I have my theories but I will never know exactly why it all happened the way it did.

The purpose of my being here was to get help for ME. I came here a broken mess and while no one here could answer all my questions, they held me up when I thought I was going to crumble.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Keep posting. You are in the right place.

(((TimMe)))

TimMe, I'm struggling with the same thing as we're getting ready to finalize D. It's like I feel she owes me an explanation. I just don't understand why she had to handle things the way she did. Why did she have to rewrite history so that we can't remember anything about our marriage fondly? Why did she tell me she wanted to R, but then sabotage the whole process? Why did she tell me she's not sure if she ever loved me? Why did she sign us up for MC but then lie to me and the counselor in the sessions? I think I know the answers, but I'm not really sure because she wouldn't talk about it. Is she protecting me? No, she's probably protecting herself.

I know that I need to let her go, but it's hard to do. Why does it seem so easy for her to let me go? That's hard to deal with for me. My commitment to her was absolute. My commitment reflected the depth of my love for her. To find out after so many years that her commitment to me hardly existed... painful. Did she not commit herself at all? How is it seemingly so easy for her to let go of me? It is not easy for me to let go. And it shouldn't be.

I just say all this so you know that you are not alone. You are not insignificant. None of us are insignificant. We are all equally valuable.

(((TimMe)))

I want you to know that you are heard...I hear you and I care about you.

My story is not as dramatic or traumatic as many here,but those of us whose situations are not so similar as many others are no less important or painful.

I apologize on behalf of this entire community if you have not felt welcomed,valued or safe here. You are welcome to PM me anytime. I mostly lurk these days and do not linger long...at two years out and after much healing...I choose to focus on other things. However,there was a time when I was here all day...every day. I still get notice of PM's so please,contact me anytime. I promise to respond!

The most encouraging thing I can say to you TimMe is that

there will come a time when you will no longer need to know the "why's"....and in most of our cases our WS's when asked (unless they have been through alot of IC) cant tell you why. Often,they dont know themselves.

They are broken people searching for something they cannot find in themselves.

I hope that you are in IC..I know for myself it has been invaluable. The time,cost and work are well worth it. It is a wonderful gift to give yourself.

Focus on YOU,what you can control,how you respond to your feelings,take good care of YOU and soon you will find that the "why's" are not as important as "where do I go from here"

Sending you a huge hug and positive thoughts.

[This message edited by somanytears at 1:51 AM, February 5th (Friday)]

TimMe, I can't comment on the "snobbery issue" but what I can say is I totally get where you are coming from. My WW is doing the exact same thing your partner is.

Being married makes no difference at all, committed long term relationships are exactly that "committed and long term".

The pain I feel every day, the seemingly happy marriage, the loss of trust,the loss of self, the "why"

I actually thought I was making her life better by being in it. In return for my concious effort everd day to communicate my feelings to her I got betrayal, disrespect and pain.

I really don.t know how they can live with themselves. especially after you find out the lack of remorse and empathy???? That is the part I really don't get.

"I really get what you are going through and if you need support I can listen I can empathize and I do understand.

I wish you the best of luck

(((Hugs)))

Bumping so that the AM folks will see and we can all offer TimMe the validation and support he needs right now.

TimMe,

I wasn't married to my FWSO either.

As for snobbery on SI... I don't think it's true.

I've had good and bad days and posted about both. Sometimes I get a lot of responses, sometimes not very many.

I think it all depends on what your posting and what your asking for and the day of the week.

Sometimes, especially on the weekends there aren't many people online. Some people read but don't post... some people like me try to reach out to as many as possible.

Please keep posting and PM me anytime you feel the need to talk. I'm on SI every single day and I will answer you.

I don't think it's less painful to be cheated on whether you're married or not. I have had both now, and it was the fact that we were in our mid 30's when we met and married, and that our blended family was made so dysfunctional by his borderline ex and same traited daughter, that greatly contributed to the A happening, by making our family fragile and in constant chaos.

I have my own answers as to why. I did disconnect with my WH, but...

He as my H SHOULD have tried harder to reach me, to do what I asked regarding taking over the reigns for his dysfunctional daughter, rather than dumping her on me. He acknowledges these things. BUT it's still not WHY he did what he did.

He did what he did b/c he is not emotionally evolved enough to be in a long term marriage, b/c he can't communicate his feelings, b/c he can't even dig deep enough to question them, or acknowledge he needs help in that respect.

I am a painfully self aware and highly emotionally analytical person. I realized after this experience that I need someone who doesn't need me to fill a void, for them or their child. I never asked him to father my sons, as they have a great dad in my exH. So he never tried that hard to bond with them.

His exW has not been present so I tried to stand up and be a parent to my dysfunctional SD, who resented me for it b/c she wanted her own parents to do it instead of me.

WS's are seeking an external to fill a void they should be filling themselves. The trigger could be midlife crisis or a BS who was disconnected, but the action off the A is ALWAYS selfish, always about the WS and never about the BS. (Or SO in your case- just using the initials that I'm used to typing.)

There is no excuse to cheat. EVER. I don't care if the BS couldn't get out of bed for a year of depression, then help them or leave them but leave with your vows intact, or your integrity intact if you weren't married.

Please know...this is not about you or what's wrong with you at all.

It is all about them. THEY are all about them and their "needs" getting met by someone else. And anyone who is at all emotionally evolved knows...

no one can fill your voids but yourself. It's not psychologically sound to think anyone can. It's likely why many A's end after they get to try each other on in the real world. B/c in the real world, kids need to be driven to sports, and kids need to be cared for when sick, and laundry needs done, and people get busy with other things beside filling up other people's voids.

HUGS!

((((TimMe))))

I've had posts also that did not get much attention, especially in the beginning, and what I learned, now that I respond a lot (see my post count) is that it is very hard for me to answer some of the questions, because sometimes I don't even know what is being asked....

I read a couple this morning that was not my particular situation, and I did not want to give bad advice, so I didn't give any advice. Sometimes I just try to give hugs and support.

The people here are very caring and supportive, but sometimes get confused as to what is being asked.

If you are feeling that you do not get much support, ask specifically for that. Post a thread title saying, I just need hugs/support today, and watch how many will come to your aid, just to let you know we care.....

Whether you are married or not makes no difference to anyone I have seen on these boards so far.....I wasn't married when mine cheated, I did get married after d-day (talk about hysterical bonding), but I got support both before and after, it hurt the same, and honestly, a lot of us still are trying to figure out how the heck someone can just cast you aside.

For my WS, he is a SA. So, for him, obviously his addiction was more important than his family. Boggles the mind. He is not a happy person, and he is chasing after a superficial high, instead of doing the hard work to make a real relationship. Too bad for him. I am healing and moving on.

I have found a place of peace from this. He is still living in a whirlwind of chaos.

Keep posting, the more people understand about your situation, the more we are able to help....

(((TimMe)))

I'm not good at advice giving, but I can give you a hug.

I read your profile, you most definitely belong here...don't ever feel bad posting.

I think that sometimes posts for whatever reason get overlooked, sometimes probably because there are so many members here, that the boards can move very fast! I have a hard time keeping up with it.

I'm a year and a half out of d-day and I still haven't figured out the why, other than some horrible brokeness in our waywards. You're right, relationships shouldn't be this hard!

Cheating is cheating.

I just barely "count" as having been married, but the affair started before that and I don't really feel like I was ever married. I would have likely been just as crushed if we had not gotten married. We were together, like you, for many years and I share your feelings about the history meaning nothing now. The affair has left me wondering what else was a lie? Who was this person I was with? Was he all a lie? The hardest part for me is wondering how deep the rabbit hole goes.

I think you'll find that these questions are shared by a lot of people here, regardless of the details of their relationships and the affairs. *big hugs*

[This message edited by czarina at 8:51 AM, February 5th (Friday)]