SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For a while know I've been aware of a friendship my husband has been having with a woman at his work, it has been going for about 2 years now. At first i thought nothing of it, as he has several other female friends and has also had in the past. However i had noticed that this girl was popping up more and more in his life and general conversation.

About 8-9 months ago she was engaged however her fiance had discovered that her and my Husband had been sending personal emails to each other discussing their (the girl and her fiance's) relationship. The fiance completly flipped out and came over accusing my Husband of interfering in their lives. They ended up splitting up. I raised concerns with him a few weeks later, saying that i was finding their friendship was making me uncomfortable. I had noticed that my Husband had become distant with me, and was showing little interest in anything to do with me or our kids. That he was spending more and more time away from us doing his own thing. Going out with "work friends" until all hours of the morning. Complaining that i never let him do anything he wants and that i have no interest in his life at all. Every time i'd walk in on him obviously chatting on face book on the computer he would close the browser window. I caught him deleting messages he has received from he and we sending to her.

I confronted him about their relationship months and months ago. He said this other girl was a great friend and that they got on incredibly well. And that she "totally gets him in every way". I asked him to let me be a part of that friends ship, to let me "in" and invite her over more and let me be friends with her too and then i wouldn't feel so uncomfortable and shut out. He said he would but never did anything about it.

Anyway a little over a month ago i was upset because he had been acting hostile towards me (emotionally, not physically) and he admitted to me then that he thought we no longer had anything in common and that our lives were only linked by our children. I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn't know.

A few days after that i noticed on his mobile phone bill that one number was turning up heaps...i looked into it more and ended up ringing the phone company to get a detailed list of all the numbers that had been text messaging in the last month.

It turns out he had messaged this one number over 700 times in one month. It was her number.

I completly lost it emotionally. I was devastated and literally felt like i had been shot. I confronted him about it and he was furious that i had looked into his phone bill and denied that they were having any kind of relationship. He walked out on me that night and has now been gone over a month. He is saying our relationship is over, that he is done, run dry. He refuses to speak to a counselor and thinks there is no point because it has gone beyond fixing. He says he has been feeling like this for ages, and despite what i think this other girl has nothing to do with it. He refuses to accept that i have any right to be hurt by the fact that he has been confiding all our problems to her for months and that even if it is just a friendship, i have a right to feel betrayed and upset that he has dedicated so much time and effort to her and not me.

He keeps insisting that even though she gets him in every way and that they have heaps in common and that he trusts her and she is one of his closest friends, that at this point in time she has nothing to do with him wanting to leave. But i don't believe him.

We have been together for 11 years, married for 8. We have two gorgeous children and i am due with our third in 6 weeks. I just feel so hurt, and blind and stupid. But at the same time i keep thinking maybe i over reacted. Maybe this woman has nothing to do with it, maybe if i had paid more attention to him, and made more of an effort to make him happier he wouldn't have turned to her.

He shows no remorse or guilt or blame. And is still in contact with her just as much now as he was before all this blew up. He has said he is looking into finding his own place to live which would make our separation more permanent. I have told him that despite all that has happened i still love him and i still want to work all this out and have him come back. But he insists that he doesn't think there is any point in trying.

I just need to know, did i blow this "other girl" thing out of proportion or would you also be upset about it and feel as though you had been betrayed and cheated on (emotionally)?

Since he left he has not told me where he is staying or with who, he has been going out to "parties" most Friday nights and has admitted that when i "analyze" the next phone bill that i shouldn't be surprised to see her number just as much. And that he will never apologize for turning to a friend for help and to talk to, especally an "incredibly good one".

I just feel so hurt by this. I never ever thought he would be capable of cheating on me, let alone just getting up and leaving. He is meant to be a Christian. He has had an active role in his church his entire life (as has his whole family). I don't recognize him at all. He keeps blaming me saying i shut him out and i don't care about him. He has said he still has some feeling for me but he doesn't love me enough anymore.

He keeps getting angry at me every time i tell someone what is going on and that he has left. He called me a fucking child when i asked my parents to come and look after the kids because i wasn't coping with it at all. He keeps saying i can't blame him for all of this coming out now, that i brought it all to the surface. And it's not his fault. That he was happy to just sit on it and pretend to be happy for as long as he could. That the only reason he didn't leave months ago was because of the kids.

I just can't get the idea out of my head that he has been wanting to be with her all this time. That they have been sitting there texting each other for months trying to work out a way for him to leave me...and when i found out about the extent to which they were in contact, that was what he was waiting for.

And i can't understand how he can sit there and deny that she has ANYTHING to do with it. She may be "just a friend" to him but to me i still feel completly betrayed by him. I feel like i have been shot. He has been gone 31 days and i have cried every single day and he just does. not. seem. to. care.

He keeps telling me our children are his main priorety, however he has so far only made time to see them an average of 6 hours a week. He doesn't call them on the phone at all or go out of his way to see them during the week. He'll see them on a Friday for an hour or so, or for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday and that's it. And yet he can still find plenty of time to go out with friends, and to go and play basketball and go to committee meetings for his sport club.

I'm just so hurt and i don't know how to get past that.

[This message edited by threepunkins at 6:53 PM, March 19th (Friday)]

No, sweetie, you don't have it wrong...trust your gut on this. He is gaslighting you--

The best thing you can do for yourself is start the 180 IMMEDIATELY and lawyer up....period.

So sorry that you are joining our group...((HUGS))

keep posting..there's lots of others with much better advice than I have..

Welcome. I see big red flags. It is at least an emotional affair, and probably a physical affair if he is going out with people from work and has moved out.

It won't do any good to question him because he will just lie. I would start doing some spying.

I agree you are not wrong trust your gut. also try and contact her exfiance and find out if he knows something yot dont. my hugs go out to you im sorry you had to find us but there is alot of help here

You did NOT over react at all. He is definitely in an affair with this woman and sounds like he is in a major fog.

HE is the one acting like a child.

He won't tell you where he is staying because he is probably with her. If you see less activity on his phone with her it's probably because he is with her and doesn't need to be calling and txting her.

I would definitely talk to a lawyer and start the 180. Hopefully that will jolt him out of his fog.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Yes, I believe he is cheating and No you don't have it wrong. It'd funny how they all do the same . Go 180 now! Keep to it. If he wants you he'll work for it. !Prepare youself for the worst , just maybe he'll be remoresful and work at your relationship.

[This message edited by gonogo1 at 7:33 PM, March 19th (Friday)]

You know the answer to this already - re-read your post & pretend its from someone else -what would you say in response?

You didn't do anything wrong, you didnt overeact, etc.

Whether he had sex with her or not - does it really matter?

Even if he didn't he still had such little regard for his pregnant wife and his marriage that he couldn't end a friendship that made you feel threatened. My feeling is that even if you are dead wrong about your h's relationship with the woman (which you are not wrong), you are probably better off without him.

Be strong!

Hi, welcome to SI. I am so sorry you find yourself here. There is so much support and tons of information.

I read your post, and I believe there is definitely much more to this friendship. I personally believe it also more than an emotional affair, it has gone on for too long. If her fiancee found personal e mails months ago, in all likelihood they were involved for awhile prior to the fiance's discovery.

Please scroll down in this forum and read the post on the 180 by SerJr. Implement it immediately. Also contact an attorney asap, you do not have to file but you need to protect yourself and your children financially. Give him a big dose of reality fast. Do not have ANY contact with him unless it concerns the children or finances.

Do not EVER accept blame for his actions. He and he alone owns them. Also, don't ever wonder if you did something more or neglected to do something, he wouldn't have cheated. He CHOSE to cheat, it had nothing to do with you. There is NEVER any justification for an affair, NEVER.

Tell everyone you need to tell if you need them for support. Don't listen to him, and do not feel one iota of guilt for reaching out to your family, or anyone else for that matter, to help you through this emotional nightmare.

Cheaters lie and lie and lie. His word means absolutely nothing right now as he is trying justify his own actions by placing the blame on someone else. Trust your gut, it is usually right. She is definitely more than a friend.

I would also ask you to think about contacting their HR Department. It all likelihood, they have been conducting this relationship on company time using company phones or the internet for personal use.

He wasn't mad that you looked at his cell phone. He was angry that he got caught. Plain and simple.

You need to take care of yourself for your children and your unborn child. It is important for you to eat, drink, and try to get some sleep. Lean on your family for support.

You might want to consider getting yourself into counseling. This is going to be a long and painful journey whether your marriage can be repaired or not.

Read the articles in the healing library in the upper left hand corner. Implement the 180 immediately!

Hugs...continue to post and read, someone will always be here to lend an ear.

I am so sorry y0u have to be here. I am in a similiar situation that you are in right now. A co-worker "just good friends" I never really thought to much about it because he has always had female friends. I got the same gut feelings you got and started snooping. It took me 2 months and I finally found something. I put a key logger on the computer and was devistated at what I read. I did not let him know I knew. I continued the charade. I lawyered up and served his

a%% divorce papers at work. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He wants to reconcile. I am not too sure yet. We will be going to marriage counceling. Hang in there and I would lawyer up as soon as possible.

I am so sorry! I agree w/ pp- he is at least having an emotional affair. I am so sorry that this is happening to you when you are about to have a baby! This betrayal is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone.

He is lying and acting like a child because he got caught and so he is trying to make you look or feel crazy.

I also thought because my XFiance was Christian, prayed before meals, etc...that he would never do this. I found out that my beliefs about who could and could not commit adultery were so wrong. I am so sorry that you are here, but this is a safe place for you to go to vent or get advice.

Red flag is an understatement. He is definitely having an ea and possibly more. Do not let him think otherwise. Install a keylogger on his computer.

Such a familiar scenario you just described. Not just because I lived something very close, but because I've read it over and over again on here.

It never ceases to amaze me the cruelty these WS show to their BSs--when they KNOW they are lying, cheating and disrespecting us.

It's because the only way he can allow himself to do something he knows is wrong, is to demonize you, rewrite the marital history so that YOU are the bad guy, to give himself an 'excuse' to do something he knows is wrong.

Being mad at you makes it so much easier.

I was not as patient as you, I reached my limit about 4 months in. I had to move out and file for D. I meant it, but it also got him out of the fog. I wasn't calling his bluff though; the situation you are living in is crazy-making, emotionally abusive, and it honestly felt like I had woken up in a bad dream or some body-snatching B-movie or maybe just died and gone to hell.

The whole 'did I overreact?' or 'should I have waited it out?' and 'was I unreasonable?' SO familiar.

The answer to all of these is NO.

He is cheating on you and doing it in the cruelest, most disrespectful, emotionally abusive way possible and demonstrating a complete lack of integrity and character right now.

I highly recommend the 180 and in the emotional state you are in consider going no contact except for finances and kids, and even then, keep it short and sweet. See a lawyer about your rights. Just because you file doesn't mean you have to follow through, but you need to protect yourself. He is only thinking about himself right now.

And take care of yourself. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I feel you already know the answer to your question but keep hoping you are wrong. At the very least he is having an emotional affair, but I feel it is much more. I am so sorry this has happened to you. At a time which should be the happiest in your life it is now the worst. I am so sorry.

Hugs.

I am so very sorry that you are going through all this. Everyone here has such great advice and support so I am glad you found it here.

I have gone thru the same exact thing as you, months of him saying how great of friends they were, etc. Also, lots of late nights at work and drinks with co-workers at the bar. If I complained, I was a bitch and controlling.

I did not find this place until months into and wish I had found it sooner. Two things I did that helped was contact the OW's H and also the company they worked for. However you can do it, but expose it and it will be difficult for them. My H swears it was just an EA, never moved out, always tried to work on things but still saw her. Once I let the boss know anonymously of course...after a month, they let her go.

Do whatever you can except blame yourself. There is nothing you did to cause his EA, it was a choice he made. Everything everyone else told you is awesome advice. 180, see lawyer, don't talk to him except if necessary and then very little at that. Also, try to see counselor for yourself...it really does help. Post here as often as you need to. You can send me a PM if you need anything. I have spent the last 8 months where you are so I feel your pain!

Everyone is here for you.

Thank you everyone. I agree that i am trying to convince myself of something which in my gut i already know is true.

He just denies it so convincingly that it's hard not to believe it. And i don't want to come across as a bitch by accusing him of something that i have blown out of proportion.

I have read over and printed out a copy of the 180 plan and will implement it as much as possible. Unfortunately because of the kids i do have to contact him to a certian degree, but so far i have been keeping it short and to the point.

I have been seeing a counselor since he left which is helping me deal with the shock and stress of it all. She recommended i disconnect from him as much as possible and i have. I have set up a separate bank account and i have gone to our national welfare agency and applied for a single parent pension. He left me with no choice to do that because he was the full income earner for the family, and he opened up a separate account and directed all is pay into it and told me if i need any money for the kids then i can ask for it.

I bagged up all his clothes two weeks after he left and dumped them at his parents. I was hoping that would shock him into coming back but it just pissed him off more. He ended up completly freaking out and making his dad come over and pick up his guitars (his most prized possessions) thinking i was going to sell them on ebay or throw them out or some rubbish.

He has so far acted completly irrationally and is constantly saying i am the one who needs to grow up, and i need to act like and adult and i am being immature.

I am just taking it one day at a time and focusing on the kids and myself, to make sure that everything runs as normal as possible. It is hard the bigger i get though. Having to maintain the house work, get the kids two and from school and basically be responsible for everything. And it's only going to get harder the bigger i grow.

Thanks again for the support, i was recommended this forum by a friend who had been through a similar situation and it's comforting to to know there are others out there even though i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy :(

threepunkins,

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.

Please seek legal advice to protect yourself and your children.

What do your in-laws say about this situation their son has placed you and their grandchildren in?

I wish you could afford a Private Investigator to follow him and verify where he's living and/or spending his time.

Perhaps an attorney can advise you.

Again, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

As others have said, trust your gut. There comes a point in the FOG that the WS will lie about anything. My WS could actually carry on phone conversations with the OP with me in the same room. She'd say it was her cousin or mom, etc. on the phone...

Other than the proof I have (phone records, email, etc.), I really can't coount on anything my WS said.

Find a good support group (usually your family and close frineds) and take care of yourself. If you have a WS, he/she could reall care less about you and will lie to continue the fantasy world they created.

Take care-LL

I'm so sorry honey, please take care of yourself and your kids. Someine has to be the grown up and unfortunately he has decided it's not going to be him.

Please don't doubt yourself or the fact that he is definitely cheating and behaving in a totally unacceptable way. Unfortunately we've seen it all here before.

tts

If you would have joined this site sooner, I would have advised to dump his "prized" possessions right into the trash.

I dumped every single one of my H prized possessions, and I will never, ever regret my actions. They were just material things.

Hugs again.

(((Three)))

I agree with everyone else - he's blaming you for his actions.

If you can get the book "You, Him and The Other Woman" by Paul Coleman. Although I am 11 months from DDay, I just got this book and wished I'd had it closer to DDay. It's easy to read, simple and absolutely full of very sound advice.

All of us on SI understand and are here for you 24/7.