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At some point she probably told him that her partner abused her...

That is a common story too...so your WS will say .... don't you dare call him...he abuses her.

Just wait...

Of course he is having an affair.

He walked out on you & the children. He is in the fog. He is in fantasy land.

Go talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.

You didn't do anything wrong.

Wow, you are kinda describing my life. I have been reading lots of posts and this is my first one. My ex was having an EA also but it took me a long time to figure it out. Yes, its cheating. Sorry you have to go through this at what is supposed to be a happy time waiting for your new baby to arrive.

Punkins, are you ok?

Hi, yeah i'm ok. i had a REALLY SUPER down few days. But I never ended up calling anyone.

I wussed out.

I keep thinking that if i take the step to call her ex, or her or even him and demand more proof/the truth/anything i could end up making everything worse.

I've decided to just step back and continue with the 180. Implement the whole "ignore him and do not chase beg or plead" and " do not initiate conversations about reconciliation" parts.

I wrote him a letter, describing the pain he has put me through and i filed it away in my diary. I'll probably never give it to him...but it was good therapy.

I just downloaded a bunch of "i hate you you fucker" type songs from itunes and have had them blaring away all afternoon while i clean up around the house.

I'm seeing my counselor again on Wednesday. he still hasn't contacted me at all to organize this "meeting" he was so desperate to have to divide up all our stuff. His dad told him to go talk to a lawyer first so I've made an appointment with one for next week as well.

I cried all morning but i'm feeling a bit stronger now. :)

Hi punkins, so glad to hear you are holding together, I've been wondering how you are doing.

nah, don't call any of them, possibly her ex at a later date, but for now just concentrate on yourself and the kids, stick with the 180, see how that works for him!

How's that baby doing? Kids are so precious. thinking of you

Agree, you are not the one who needs to make any calls, got enough stress already I am sure. Hang in there, and look forward to the blessing of being center of the universe for your children.

I cannot understand the mental state (or lack thereof) of a male who does not put his children first. Lots of good wishes to you!

Dear Three, Sadly, this sounds like what my husband did, except that he has ended up saying he wants to fix our marriage. All the months I told him I thought their "friendship" was inappropriate, he totally ignored my pleas to stop it. He started going out with "the guys," turned out to be stopping at her place to do her taxes and to talk, supposedly. He was so distant and cruel to me during that period, he sounds just like your WH. Trust your gut on this one, it has probably turned into a PA, and do take steps to protect yourself and your children. You are in my prayers. Please take care of yourself and know that you are not alone in this.

Me: BS 52

Him: WS 46

Skank: 32

Married 15 years, together 17 years.

Trying for R.

Thanks everyone.

He has not spoken to the kids since last Saturday (6 days) he has messaged me 3-4 times about random things but has made no effort to contact them.

He sent me a text message yesterday afternoon, saying he had started the process of splitting up our mobile phone bills (they were both in his name) and then tacked onto the end of the message a snide remark about the fact i hadn't sent him a bill analysis this time (even though he knows damn well i have one and have read it and know exactly how many times he has contacted her in the last month)...it's like he is taking every chance he can get to deliberately taunt me and rub it in that he is continuing this "friendship" right under my fucking nose.

It just cuts me SO much that he has chosen her. Chosen to walk all over and piss on our relationship...but chosen to keep her.

What the hell kind of person does that? Does that to their family. I just DON'T understand AT ALL how he can fucking sleep at night.

I still lay there every night crying over him. Crying over the pain of it all. The pain of the rejection and betrayal of it all.

If it has been "just sex" it would have been easier to get over but the fact he has invested his mind body and soul into this other woman...and still denies it...yet rubs the contact in my face is so fucking painful.

I'm trying SO SO fucking hard to block him out and move on but it's virtually impossible while i'm still left here hanging on and not knowing the truth.

I just feel so much for you because I was exactly where you are just over a year ago.

He had left me and then I moved out, then he had the whore at our house every night, and I felt like I could just not move on without the truth.

The thing was, I already had it. I had it in my gut and in the cruelty of what he said and did. Later, he and I got back together and he told me everything--I already knew it.

Logic tells you a lot. If he had just fallen out of love with you, if he was not having to rationalize his bad actions to himself and therefore NEEDING to make you the bad guy, if there was no OW, he would not be pulling this while you were pg. He would wait, if for nothing other than his image. If he had really just fallen out of love with you, he would feel sorry for you, he would show compassion. He would be solicitous and cry.

But he is not because he is cheating and is desperate not to feel bad for this. So he has to demonize you to make himself feel better. The truth of what has happened is in every word he says.

And I know that is easier for me to say than you to internalize, again, because I have been there.

And how he can just move on? It's because no one knows. Or, he is telling himself no one knows. Likely people do know but he will shout them down just like he is doing you. He is just going to keep running from this in his mind until he is forced to deal with it.

It is just amazing to find out that someone you love can have so much cruelty in them.

Has he ever been cruel/selfish/unkind like this to others while you were married?

I am just so sorry punkins. You do not disturb such evil treatment. Just keep posting and 180ing and try to do something nice for yourself each day.

[This message edited by inknots at 8:22 PM, March 25th (Thursday)]

(((punkins)))

Honey, what more do you need to know? You have the truth already, you just haven't had it from HIM.

Please, get tough, get angry, get to a lawyer.

Give him a dose of YOUR reality. Have you told anyone INR? Friends of yours? your family? I hope you have people around you that you can trust, tell someone what's going on, get yourself some support. Don't let him create fiction and make you out to be the bad guy, the impossible-to-live-with wife. I hope that lawyer's appointment is early next week. Tell your Dr/midwife what's happening, you're having a baby in a few weeks and the stress on you is huge, you will need extra support and help during delivery and after, no one can help you if you keep HIS secret.

Tell him nothing, tell his family nothing, let your lawyer do it, 180 only with him, look after yourself and your kids.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 9:01 PM, March 25th (Thursday)]

punkins- I'm so sorry.

You really need to read other posts on here. Everything your husband is doing is typical. He swears she has nothing to do with it so that, later, they can claim they hooked up after your relationship ended and all their friends won't think he's a cad for introducing her to your kids.

You aren't crazy. Her fiancé had a problem with the relationship for a reason and your husband didn't want you to contact him because he knows exactly what that reason is. And lets face it, 700 texts is more than 20 per day. That's excessive even between a husband and wife. My teenagers don't text that much.

Right now, your focus should be on you, your children, and the baby you are carrying. Be sure to eat and rest. Don't let him engage you. It's not healthy for you or for the baby.

Best wishes.

threepunkins, I am new on here and reading your story reminds me of mine. I just found out my b/f has been doing the same thing to me. He is supposedly a Christian too. I am so confused. I feel your pain and understand what you are going through. He is cheating on you honey. I am so sorry. You don't have it wrong. I will keep watching your story, maybe we can help each other get through this. Let me know when the baby comes, do you know what it is going to be?

I hate to put it this blatantly but with all that you've said. he's been sleeping with her for sure. Once you've gone through what we have and then seen it time and time again on here like textbook, you get to know. His adamant refusal even adds more suspicion to the fire. If I were you, I would get a copy of today's paper and hold it under your belly then take a picture to send to the homewrecker. I agree that he may be keeping your pregnancy from the OW and for that matter, does this OW even know he's married? He may be lying to her just as much. Don't take his garbage at all. He is lying and gaslighting you. His moving out so seemingly hastily is another huge red flag flapping in the breeze.

Finally,

The weekend before he left...the 13-14 of Feb he went to away for "work". He did not text message me ONCE of his own accord the entire time. I sent him a message asking how he was, and what he was doing..and he replied. That's it....in the same amount of time he was away he sent her over 60 fucking messages...he was texting her at 1 and 2 in the morning....what the FUCK did he have to say to her at 1 in the morning???

This is Valentine's weekend. Where just by coincidence, he is having an "inappropriate relat" with another woman and he has to go out of town for work at that time?? Further, after returning from this trip, he moves out??

They were together even if he was officially there for business. They made their yuck plans for a future together while they were there. Yes, I know her number shows up in the texts for those dates but I have known plenty of people to text from across the room. This may have been a purposeful gaslight for your benefit when you look at the cell bill. Could one of them have fallen off to sleep by 1am and the other thought of some sweet thing they wanted to say? Otherwise, are the rest of them when he would have been at a conference or something where she wasn't there so text? You may want to look into that.

I am seriiously hating your WS right now as he has you so gaslighted and you are so close to having his child!

Thank you everyone.

He just picked up the kids then to take them out. He had an ulterior motive though, he had been asked to play guitar at a family fun day with a few band friends so he was dragging the kids off with him so he can have a great time playing guitar and his brother was dragged along to be in charge of watching the kids. But it's ok right because at least he's involving them right

selfish ass hole. Hasn't seen or spoken to them all week and he picks them up to spend time with them, and then brought his brother along to baby sit while he gets to go and play guitar.

He was only here for less than 5 min and my heart feels like it's palpitating. I can feel my blood pressure up, i feel stressed and shaky and now i'm crying again.

i said noting to him and he said nothing to me but just having him in the same fucking room as me has caused this automatic reaction in my body.

I wrote an email to his church pastor this morning detailing exactly why he left me and talking about my suspicions about this other woman. I sent him a copy of the phone records.

I am going to hand WS a very fat envelope when he returns which contains the phone records (printed and highlighted with every time he has contact her over the past 3 months) a letter stating MY conditions of reconciliation, and an order to cease ALL direct contact with me from this point on until our baby is born. If he has anything to say to me it needs to be done through his parents or my parents. I refuse to see him or speak to him from this point onwards unless he is willing to cut off ALL contact with the skank (and prove it via phone records) and agree to MC.

I know it goes against the 180, but i wrote him a letter explaining the pain and grief he has cause me and our children, and outlining the fact that i will under no circumstances accept him back into our marriage while he continues to contact this woman. And that those conditions of reconciliation are final and will need to be stuck to if he has any hope of returning to our marriage.

I have once again put the ball totally in his court and made it perfectly clear that until HE makes a choice i will not communicate with him on any matter. And i am essentially wiping my hands of him.

I did not beg or plead or confess my love at all. I merely stated that i am standing by my original thoughts that i would be willing to reconcile and forgive him and make an attempt to mend our relationship, and that if he is willing to the conditions of reconciliation that i have set out that i will not hold anything against him and that i will make an honest effort at forgiving him and mending our life.

BUT ultimately he is the one who has to make that decision and in the mean time i will be moving on with my life in the direction hat he has currently pointed us in - which is apart.

My conditions of R briefly were

-MC and IC

-NC with "other girl" AT ALL

-admitting that it was he who made the choice to leave and that i did not force him out or force him into that relationship

-he must make a conscious effort to involve myself and the children more in his life

-he must be willing to involve me in more social outings and introduce me to his friends

-he must be willing to give me access to all SMS and emails received and sent if i request them in order for me to regain trust.

I have reached the point where i am NOT going to accept him back unless ALL of those conditions are met.

And i am willing to be very prepared for the fact that he will probably not accept, agree or cooperate with any of them and if that is the case then so be it. he does not deserve me. he does not deserve our family. and he does not deserve a second chance.

ps: I also had the locks changed on the doors yesterday. I have not told him and don't intend on. The only way he will find out is if he tries to get in with his key ;)

And i am seeing a lawyer on Wednesday

[This message edited by threepunkins at 9:49 PM, March 26th (Friday)]

I am very sorry to hear of your pain. I'm also sorry to hear of his actions, because they were very similar and nearly identical to my ex-husband's when he was involved with another woman. His staying out late with coworkers, the text messages and calls, hiding his computer activities, wanting to move out, they all point to one thing: that he is definetely involved with this other woman. I'm so sorry, as we have all been there.

The Healing Library has some wonderful articles on how to deal with this and his "I'm not in love with you" speech. He will be placing the blame on you so that he won't feel guilty; this was NOT your fault, it was his choice. Also you'll find ways of taking care of yourself right now. It's very important to take care of YOU first, especially with the baby coming. YOU and your kids are your only priority right now. I also think contacting an attorney would be advisable. It doesn't mean you have to file for divorce right now; it just means you are protecting yourself.

At this point the choice is yours on whether or not you want to work on saving your marriage; it is NOT up to him. YOU have the reigns, and you can decide what direction to take. It will be hard, and you will be on this emotional rollercoaster for quite a while, but you WILL get through this.

We are all here for you, and you are welcome to send me a private message if you'd like to talk further.

(((punkins)))

Wow, have you come along way in a short time, power to you! Great to read your last post.

With regards to the NC and your list for reconciliation to be considered. Add that he needs to write a NC letter to this AP, stating that he will have no further contact with her, and she must not contact him. That his only interest is working on rebuilding his marriage.

He needs to give you the letter before it's sent so you know the content. And if I was you, I'd insist on sending it yourself, and getting signed for delivery, that way you know it was sent and know it was received.

If he is more of an email person, the same applies, you witness him writing the email and the content, read it, cc it to you as well, and YOU hit the send button.

Remember, at this stage only believe what you can verify for yourself.

hugs to you.

Unless he is sniffing around and wanting to R I would keep that packet to yourself. It will have no effect while he is deeply in the selfish mode of a foggy WS.

Keep your feelings and your demands to yourself. You have enough on your plate just taking care of yourself and the kids.

If you want to make an impact, get a lawyer and draw up separation/divorce papers. Those kinds of demands are real world - "this is your future"- kind of stuff. You want to prove your washing your hands that will certainly do it.

Don't put the ball in his court. That gives him control over your life. Take control of your life and let him bounce on his ass a few times. You are not to concern yourself with his sorry butt.

My husband had the same kind of relationship with another woman at work. If started as an EA and then turned to a PA (twice - 3 years apart). Give him the 180. It'll make him turn around. Go to IC by yourself. When he has the freedom to be with her completely, real life will give him a wake up call and he will come running back upon realizing what he's missing. He's in the "fog" for sure and most affairs don't last after they don't have to sneak around. ONce it becomes real life, it'll lose its fantasy aspect. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this during pregnancy. Please,please please take care of yourself. Seek legal counsel to know your rights in case you have to screw him to the wall. Another idea - I called the OW and got a much more trueful answer. Women are much more inclined to talk. It's like she had something to prove...that he loved her more. She spilled everything. Give it a try. Good luck and God Bless you and your kiddos.

You are doing an amazing job with this! I agree with absolutely everything you have done--in fact, I did similar things with my FWH.

I think your letter telling him how you feel, what he's done to you, and what you would need to even consider R is perfectly acceptable. I think the 180/ignore tactics are good when the WS is sitting on the fence or cake eating. In your case, he's saying that he's made his decision and he's gone for good. So why bottle all those hurt feelings up and let him feel like he's sneaking out of the marriage with no real damage to you? The hell with that! Give him the letter. He needs to snap out of it and realize that he's destroying his wife, his children, his family, and himself.

I love the no direct contact with him until after the baby is born. Smart move! I'm due May 6, and I can't even imagine dealing with the first stages of D-day right now. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing!