SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Burnt, you are going to be fine.

There is a future and there is happiness without your husband. Let go of that future that you thought you had. You may come to realize that you were letting go a long time ago and didn't know it.

Whatever kind of person he is, he is not being good to you and hasn't for a long time.

First things first. Make sure your DD is taken care of. I know you'll do that.

Second, take care of yourself. I find myself giving you advice that I give bs's all the time. You are also a bs now. You must eat. Exercise. Renew a hobbie. Connect with friends and family.

You can only control what you do. You can't control him. You can control what you do and don't let into your life. If he says this is what is driving him away, you telling your husband that seeing other people is unacceptable, then that is a lie. He is making the choice to leave the marriage. You can't stop him. You can only say what you will accept or not.

AND... This does not mean that sometime in the future he isn't going to snap out of it and come to you the right way. You need to be working on yourself and making yourself better. This is still your best chance at reconciliation with him.

And another thing... You may find that once you start this journey of self improvement and self discovery, you'll discover that you are horrified at how much abuse you accepted from him.

I have determined that no one will ever treat me like my xww treated me ever again. Never. Over the years of our marriage it degraded into a very abusive (not physically) situation. I didn't even see it happening. From this point on, I will not be belittled. I will not be endlessly criticized. I will not have my character and manhood questioned. I will not be screamed at. I will be treated as I deserve. No person will stay in my life if they do any of this.

You will make this same determination. You also may want to do the following about yourself...

Although I am not perfect and I have certainly made mistakes... I am a good person. I treat people as I want to be treated. I am smart, well-educated, a teacher, a coach, an Armor Officer, a christian, and I always try to do the right thing.

What would you say about yourself? What is good about Burnt? What will the new, strong Burnt set as the standard for people in her life?

Why do I feel such a sense of relief and even peace sometimes at the thought of separating from my husband when I still get mushy sentimental feelings when I think of him and our past? He tells me that I am cold and evil that I don’t know love, but I feel love, a lot of it. He jokes he hopes I can find someone that would want to live with me. Even when I think of how I can be a better person, I feel I’m living his prediction – he said with my weak mind in time I would take on this “go girl” attitude and think I’m a better person but this is in my past and it’ll never change. It makes me feel like a deflated balloon thinking of how little he thinks of me. He tells me I think too negative. I am selfish, but the aura of unhappiness around him is too much for me sometimes. He says I should wait until DD is older, but this “living as though divorced while married” arrangement is very difficult for me.

I know why it feels like relief. :) I still feel that same relief quite often.

Don't worry about anything he's saying about you. Let me say this again... HE IS AN ABUSER. He's going to blame you and belittle you forever. And your feeling of relief is knowing that you are about to get out of that negativity.

Repeat this to yourself. He's and abuser. Everything you said is that which come from a bully to a victim.

Do not wait till DD gets older. That is not a good idea for anyone. He's just trying to control the situation. You making choices is not him controlling the situation and he won't like it.

You stay strong. He may shock you with his own changes when he see's that you are taking control of your life. And he may not either. Who knows? Your path is the same either way.

Why do I feel such a sense of relief and even peace sometimes at the thought of separating from my husband

there she is again...

You can do this BA.

BTW, I responded to your PM.

[This message edited by justsoshocked at 2:17 PM, October 6th (Wednesday)]

And the sentimental feelings are normal. I still have them sometimes, but it doesn't mean I will ever want to go back to that situation. I will never go back. This is how I feel now. I suspect you'll have a similar feeling a ways down the line. :)

[This message edited by Teacherman2000 at 4:13 PM, October 6th (Wednesday)]

I still get mushy sentimental feelings when I think of him and our past

Burnt-

You love this man. You have a child together. You have a life together. At one point, you were probably quite happy together. Of course you still get mushy over memories you made together.

However, this man that is in front of you, today, at THIS moment, is not that same man you married. Don't let him fool you. It's okay and totally normal to mourn the loss of your marriage, and to mourn the relationship you had with your H. But recognize that:

a) he's told you married but living as though divorced is all he's willing to give you

b) that is not healthy for your daughter, or for you

c) YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM

d) You two need serious counseling before making major decisions about staying together. At this point, no one would fault you (and several have urged you) to leave.

Hold on to that feeling of relief if that's what gets you through and into a safe place with your daughter.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 2:44 PM, October 6th (Wednesday)]

Abbycadabby,

Thanks for not giving up. I know I’ve been stubborn, but I am listening. It’s amazing to have so much insight and support on SI. I do think H would benefit from counseling (he has issues from his childhood), but he wouldn’t go. He listed it as a symptom of weakness when he talks about how weak I am, that I’m prone to be in a cult, talk to a psychiatrist, etc. I’m almost certain that all three of us will be better off if we move apart. He insists that living together is best for DD, but if he’s completely unwilling to give R any effort or accept any of mine, I don’t see how it can be happy or peaceful in the house. He already thinks I am a selfish horrible mom so if I want to move now it’ll only confirm his opinion of me, but I don’t think his opinion of me could be much lower anyway. We would probably be less tense in separate households. I know he’ll hate me for it, but I wonder if this is better for DD’s happiness.

Burnt,

Do not listen to the selfish, childish, manipulative boy you are married to. He's talking out his ass. He's trying to hurt and control you, even now.

My honest (and not so humble) opinion is that it is never better to wait to divorce until children are older. I mean if you're really working on making the marriage work, then by all means - work at it.

But if you are living as though divorced while in the same house it will NOT be better for your daughter. In fact, it could very well be worse in the long run.

I've never read of anyone who did a divorced-but-living-together situation where there wasn't tension and arguing.

I doubt that your husband would be the type to say, "Well, we really are no longer married so what you do is your own business," and then let you live in peace. I believe he would always be rubbing your face in the "mess you made" while refusing to take responsibility for his own actions.

Your daughter will only pick up on more and more of that as she gets older. It becomes harder to hid things from them as they get older and I believe in some ways younger children are a bit more resilient than kids in their "tween" and early teens.

If you feel that your husband is not going to try and that your marriage is essentially over then I urge you to begin to put the 180 into practice and begin the process of moving on.

You are a capable and intelligent. His rantings are just that - rantings. The rantings of a spoiled child who is not getting his way.

I would expect that once you begin the process of implementing the 180 and moving out and moving on his behaviour will get worse. Once he really realizes that you will no longer be under his thumb, listening to his every word and being beaten down by his manipulation he will get even more angry and the verbal attacks will probably escalate.

Be ready for it.

Do NOT doubt yourself. At this point, this is his problem. You just need to worry about healing yourself and being there for your daughter.

Everything he is saying is his attempt to continue to control you. His idea of love is control. He feels better about himself when he can control you and belittle you.

Watch out. If he senses he is losing his powerful choke-hold on you, he may lash out violently. Or he may try the "I promise I will change" approach for a while.

If he can change, which I seriously doubt, it can only happen with some serious soul searching on his own.

Again, you deserve better. And you may be weak now, but baby steps and you can get strong. Focus on what makes YOU happy. Hobbies, exercise, friends, family. Find your happiness. But it takes work to be happy. Happy doesn't just happen.

He listed it as a symptom of weakness when he talks about how weak I am

He already thinks I am a selfish horrible mom

it’ll only confirm his opinion of me

These are statements from your last post. This man is verbal/emotional abuser and has got you so beat down that you won't ever find your way out until you STOP LISTENING TO HIM. Even if he WERE speaking the truth, HE HAS HIS OWN ISSUES HE NEEDS TO ADDRESS, and in no way should be pointing out yours! People who live in glass houses and all that.

STOP LISTENING TO HIM. He is an abuser in ALL ways and knows nothing else but to keep you down. Again, do the 180. Get into some individual therapy/counseling so you can determine why you allow yourself to be treated this way. Lavish that precious daughter with love and attention. Take care of yourself.

Husband called and talked at length about things we can do to put our family in a better financial position. He tells me about things he wants to do to be more independent, and assures me that he wants to contribute to our family financially as much as he can. He said if I want him to give it a try he needs to feel completely independent to be in a position to be comfortable to try R. I guess this is the up part of the roller coaster. I'm surprised by the sense of optimism in his tone. It's vastly different than how he spoke last night, but somehow it doesn't tug at my heart like it used to. I don't feel like jumping for joy, but I am glad for the peaceful exchange.

Realistically I don't think I can move out for a while because we need to pay off some things first, but I find myself emotionally detaching somewhat. I told him just like he needs to feel independent so he doesn't feel helpless and left with no choices on DDay, I feel that I need to become emotionally independent too. I will focus on becoming a stronger, happier person myself and being a good mom to DD. Maybe we can live in parallel more peacefully and decide when parting is more practical. Don't know if it's a good thing for me to be emotionally detaching, but it's less painful than riding the emotional roller coaster so close to my heart.

Don't know if it's a good thing for me to be emotionally detaching, but it's less painful than riding the emotional roller coaster so close to my heart.

It's a good thing hun. (((BA)))

Two things...

He tells me about things he wants to do to be more independent, and assures me that he wants to contribute to our family financially as much as he can.

First, he has a legal obligation to do this, especially for DD. It doesn't matter if he "wants" to or not.

He said if I want him to give it a try he needs to feel completely independent to be in a position to be comfortable to try R.

This reeks of the same manipulation bullshit he's been feeding you... he wants to continue to have A's in order to get ready to R. That doesn't even make sense.

What does being "independent" mean when he uses it? Does it mean he wants to date (sleep) around until he is ready to R?

By being independent Husband means having his own finances, account, transportation, etc. It's reasonable. He said it makes him feel more secure, that he will be able to live on his own anytime if I decide to walk out of this M. I completely understand that part. About sleeping with other women, he makes no promises about it. He said he wouldn't go looking for anything, but he doesn't promise anything either. We have to live under the same roof for now, but I'm trying to detach more emotionally from him and just focus on myself and DD. It's an ambiguous arrangement and he wouldn't spell out the rules of conduct for me, but I'm trying to remind myself that he's not the same BH I married and not get too emotionally attached to him. It's like trying to condition myself to feel "moved on" but not. I'm not entirely sure how to pull this off yet, but I'm trying to live in parallel with him if that makes sense.

Does this mean that you are the one supporting the family financially?

I am so confused.

What is stopping you from separating from him and going to start your own life with your daughter? Why are you STILL allowing him to control the outcome of this situation?

i gots some big red flags on this one ba....financially independant....watch your back....me thinks he is planning something that is not quite kosher....so that "he" could feel better.....

you have very much become the bs here ba.....very much....as wrong as your actions were, his are no better....and worse...

there is no excuse ever for physical abuse...

BA,

I hope you can see through the fog and bullshit of his words in your last post.

Basically, he is getting his ducks in a row. And yes, he does plan on continuing to "date." He needs to be able to move money w/o you being able to see exactly what he is doing.

He is separating the money.

I'm trying to say this gently.... he is detaching, getting his ducks in a row, taking the first steps in separating, and 99% of me believes, about to leave you high and dry.

MEET WITH A LAWYER. NOW!