SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

((((goose))))

With my first marriage I too moved very fast and I don't regret it at all.

I found out my X was cheating on me 2/18/01, I made him leave that day, by 3/1/01 I had a separation agreement signed by him, 4/01 house was on the market, 5/01 house sold, 7/01 I moved into the new house that I bought.

My X knew that an A would be a dealbreaker. I never looked back.

Only you can decide what you need and what you will accept. Only you can know if you are moving too fast or not.

If your WW won't do for you what you need to heal, then IMO it is best to move on - cut all ties and begin your own healing.

goose,

I feel your pain. Until last week, I was in exactly the situation you are in. Now she knows I know. Unfortunately, because I slipped up by trying to network with OM's family in trying to find out more about him.

I'm lost too, but my advise is to take this time to quickly and seriously consider what you want. If you want your relationship to work, then seek professional counseling. My counselor suggested a book I'm finding enlightening called Feeling Good Together by David D. Burns. I'm hoping the techniques will work, but It's too soon to tell for me. Anyway, hang in there.

Goose,

Just checking in with you.

And a reminder. Don't tell your WW that you are filing and going to have her served. And definitely don't tell her about contacting OM's BW.

Try to stay busy and try not to talk to her about any of this. Try and keep as upbeat as possible. Let her

wonder what is up with you.

I know this can seem like game playing, but until she starts to come around this is your best bet.

Goose just wanted to tell you that my X called me 5 years after the divorce and a month before I was getting remarried and said "So we really are not ever going to get back together?" They may never admit they made a mistake but they know and have to live with it. Stay Strong brother, you are doing what you have to do to survive.

Ok I sent the letter out via a order processor...and the other BS should have the information soon.

I know exactly what I want. I want my OLD wife back. The one that used to give a shit about her family and me.

I haven't seen that woman in a while, and I personally don't know if I ever will.

I can't live with someone that cheats on me and I won't put up with the shit. That is not what marriage is about.

MAYBE she will wake UP but so far she is FOGGY!!! And doesn't show any signs of wanting to work on things.

Maybe in a couple of months after the fall out she will fully understand what happened and maybe we can R.

I really love my old wife. And I hate my WW. She is a selfish bitch and has complete disregard for my family.

Right now she is just running for cover and is too chicken shit to own her actions and ask me for a second chance. And like I said, if she really wants me then she can fight for me, in the meantime I'm moving on with my life and going to start looking for someone who will treat me better.

I know exactly what I want. I want my OLD wife back. The one that used to give a shit about her family and me.

Please know that I am saying this in the most gentle way possible (via the internet, anyway) and that I am only giving you honesty here.

Your "old wife" may never have been a whole person. It is highly likely she had what it took to cheat all along. From what I have learned in reading and from my therapist, 80% of who you are as a person is developed by age 8, the remaining trickles in slowly over the next few years. So, something in her past gave her the "tools" to become a cheater.

For my WH, it was early SA from a babysitter coupled with an alcoholic dad and a very codependent mom. WH developed very poor boundaries and has addiction issues. An affair is very much an addiction. There are some major hormones at play when one is in the throws of an affair: seratonin, endorphins, adrenaline...

What I am trying to say is this: Your "old wife" and your old marriage was built on a house of cards. She was never a whole person (unless she was and something traumatic occurred while married to you). Your "old marriage" is gone. It will never be that again. Never.

If she comes back to earth and agrees to some heavy duty counseling both for her self and for you both, it takes months of digging, pain and heartache to get anywhere near where you "were".

BUT...and this is BIG...

IF she comes back and goes through the riggers of what it truly takes to heal, you can renew the love, find a friendship with her and fall in love again. While WH and I are not there, not by a long shot, I do believe it is possible. I am months from Dday, and I only began grieving my lost marriage this past Monday. WH and I agreed we need to date again, as well as be friends again before we will even know how we feel about things. And, to add to that work, we also need to heal in ourselves whatever brought us to this fucked up place in our marriage.

I am stopping here to apologize for the concrete 2x4, but I know in time you will go through a very chaotic roller coaster ride, and I am here to say that having false hope of getting back your old wife, old life, and old marriage will only bring you greater pain.

Live fr each day. Take care of yourself. Mourn and grieve the loss of your old life as needed.

Post here. Find support, as you have. And, know that while at times you feel all alone and miss your wife in ways you never thought possible, we have all been there to, to some degree (greater and lesser). We can help you cope. We can help you grieve. We can walk you through to the other side.

Breathe. Eat. Drink. and take things one moment at a time.

(((((((goose'em)))))

I'm so sorry goose. I'm generally big on getting folks to slow down - nobody begins to de-fog in less than 3 weeks. Exposing the affair is the right thing to do, but it doesn't sound like she's even giving a token involvement. Even my WW gave it a shot and when I forced her, picked a side.

There's no reason you need to stick around for this crap.

Note: you wanting your old wife back. I'm sorry - she never existed - not in the way you thought. If you do eventually come out of this, you are going to realize your understanding of her was only partial. She isn't the person you thought she was, and that what you thought you had was a fantasy, just like the affair. You two may yet be able to bond at an authentic level, but not today. I'm so sorry.

It's weird to think maybe I didn't know her at all! Or that it was a fantasy.

On a side note my youngest daughter asked me tonight twice "when is mommy coming home?"

....followed by "where is sissy" "when is sissy coming home?"

Talk about rip our your soul....its truly heartbreaking!

(((goose)))

I am so sorry.

It breaks my heart to read what your daughter was saying.

Meanwhile your wife plans a BBQ.

It boggles the mind.

I am sorry.

That sucks sooooooo bad. Splitting up the girls is very hard business. I'm so sorry. Children are such the innocent victims out of all this.

Good morning Goose-em,

It's weird to think maybe I didn't know her at all!

This is one of the post dday revelations I have had to accept. I did not know my W of 20 years. She had hinted at many of her issues, but I did not understand just how deeply they affected her. While at times I want the person I thought was my wife back, I am getting to know a very different person as she works through her stuff. Frankly, I enjoy being with FWW much more than I did WW, but it is still a painful process.

Or that it was a fantasy.

I have thought about this too, and in my opinion it was not a fantasy for me, but parts of our life were a fantasy for FWW. She was the one who was unable to form an emotionally intimate relationship. She is the one who did not love herself and projected her negative feelings on to others. She is the one who repeatedly thought she found love in people who now repulse her to remember being involved with. OTOH, I loved the person I thought was my wife, and I was very intimately connected to her, even through the bad times. While not perfect, I told her how I felt and what I needed. I did not hide myself from her.

--Ats

In my situation, I believe I envisioned my FWW as the person I wanted her to be. I overlooked the negatives because they didn't fit my vision.

It's a hard pill to swallow to accept the fact she isn't that person. Never was. It's very lonely to realize we can never really know another human being. There's no telling what's going on inside the mind of another person.

You're doing great goose. But it's a long road with many ups and downs. Just take one day at a time. Breathe, eat, exercise. Take care of you. Don't let yourself be dependant upon the actions of your WW.

Easier said than done, but that should be your mantra.

goose just wanted to say that there are probably very many more of us (like me) who have not posted on your thread or given advice (beacuse you are getting lots) but who are following your story and holding you in our hearts.

You are doing well amidst such pain and anguish. Keep taking care of you.

Yes Goose...

Your mantra should focus on You and your children.

It would be different if she was out of the fog, committed to R, Sorry for what she has done.

But we know that's not the case at all.

You are dealing with OM #1, OM #2...

And she shows not sign of wanting to work on your marriage at this time.

Hang in there buddy.

Goose just wanted to give you my best like the others. Wish you didn't hurt. You are doing so well though. I admire your ability to even type your updates! I don't even know you but feel connected...SI and it's members are the only thing that kept me sane at times. One of the posters said how sad it is to realize that you can never really know another person. I think most of us here learned that lesson the hard way after living with the illision that we thought we knew our spouse. It's hard to let go of. It's taken me 2 years to get to the point of that acceptance. I wish you nothing but good things and want you to know I'm holding you in my heart.

So at one point she was doing you, and two other guys at the same time? She really gets around.

Maybe you're just now seeing the real person, and she put up a facade of being a good wife and mother for all these years. Looks like her enabling friends are allowing her to be what she always was, a ho. She can be true to herself now.

Looks like her enabling friends are allowing her to be what she always was, a ho. She can be true to herself now.

ouch.

I think a lot of men have trouble coming to that very real conclusion. We simply married whores/sluts (Whores do it for currency, which is usually money. But attention/affection/excitement is also currency to me). I personally don't believe they can be changed, because that is who they are. Trying to change them leads to resentment, etc. It's a cycle.

Even when I read the Wayward forum, I get that feeling. These women are pretending. How long can they hold out for? And it's a constant struggle because as part of "reconciliation" they've had to change their very core, which like I said, I don't think is possible. You can mask it, but eventually, it'll come out.

This is why to me, second chances in Infidelity are a no-go. All they did was show you who they really were. Time to cut your loses and look for something better. I always found the idea of settling for a cheater to be demeaning.

t/j

WOW.

I always found the idea of settling for a cheater to be demeaning.

For some cheating is a dealbreaker. But trying to R should never be considered demeaning.

All the name calling of the wayward women...slut, whore, ho. I would assume you call men that cheat some equivalent to those names or is that just for women?

I guess this means I am in a demeaning marriage with a man-whore???

People/marriages/relationships can recover from infidelity if both people are willing to do the work. And if you don't want to do the work that is fine but for those of us who do should not be considered demeaning.

On a side note my youngest daughter asked me tonight twice "when is mommy coming home?"

....followed by "where is sissy" "when is sissy coming home?"

I am so sorry that the ugly fallout is now starting to catch all the other innocent victims in its net. This is when it gets hard, the children and the pain...

I am confused as to why your thread keeps running off in these random directions that you as the author are not taking it to???