SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I work shift work, (all 3 shifts) and have done so for almost 21 years. After getting of work on February 9th 2010 at 5:00am 5 days before my 21st wedding anniversary, (Valentines Day) something deep inside me told me to pick up my wife's cell phone and check it out. I have NEVER had an inkling to do something like that before because I loved an trusted my wife. Well, I found something I wish I hadn't. Here is what I found in text messages. I took her name out as well as his.

My wife: Hi there what’s been occupying your mind over the last couple days? 6:16PM, Feb 7

The guy: I must admit I’m upset with you 8:33PM, Feb 7

My wife: Why???? Let’s see we talked on Saturday around 5:30. You told me you were out and about running errands. By 10 that night I hadn’t heard anymore from you. I remembered texting to tell you I’d catch you the next day meaning Sunday. So I thought things were cool. No communication yesterday or today if I hadn’t text u. 9:15 PM, Feb 7

The guy: No. It’s not cool, I asked you a question but you didn’t answer, I really wanted to talk to you on (2) occasions, but you didn’t try, I stayed up until 1:00am waiting & wanting to hear from you, but nothing. We had s chance to talk on the phone according to you but you didn’t inform me that we could-when I start thinking about you I want you even right now 9:40PM, Feb 7

My wife: What??? Really??? One of those days you are referring to I had no control w/the change in his work schedule…I fell asleep b4 he even went in which he had to be in at 1. 10:03PM, Feb 7

The guy: What? Really? How about whatever, so what are you doing now 10:16PM, Feb 7

My wife: Whatever back at you!!!!!!! Tv with everyone. He was off work yesterday and today. He goes back in tomorrow night. 10:22PM Feb 7

The guy: Ok, maybe we can do it each other tomorrow 10:29PM, Feb 7

My wife: Do it huh? I’m sure the opportunity will b there!!! 10:30PM, Feb 7

The guy: We will see, do you get turned on when you think about me 10:50PM, Feb 7

The guy: Hello honey, how was your day 6:12PM, Feb 8

My wife: so so and yours? 6:53PM, Feb 8

The guy: It’s been ok, did something happen 7:26PM, Feb 8

My wife: Yep you can say that 8:14PM, Feb 8

The guy: Are you doing ok 9:55PM, Feb 8

The guy: Are you doing ok 9:55PM, Feb 8

My wife: Emotionally not really :-(Lots of fighting w/him for a few days…at evy too!

I apologize I really want to talk but I’m drained and happened to fall asleep.

I’m going to make it work that we talk tomorrow. Promise.. Sorry!!!!!! 10:21PM, Feb

Well, after a confrontation, my wife said she knew him from 15 years ago from her old job and that she only started texting him 3 months ago. she said it was only texting and nothing more.I went to check my phone records. I could only go back to September 2009 and this is what I found.

10/5/2009 – 11/4/2009 - 121 times, 9 times on my birthday

11/5/2009 – 12/4/2009 – 191 times, 11 times on Thanksgiving

12/5/2009 – 1/4/2010 – 56 times

4/5/2010 – 5/4/2010 – 3 times

5/5/2010 – 6/4/2010 – 3 times

7/5/2010 – 8/4/2010 – 99 times

8/5/2010 – 9/4/2010 – 99 times, 11 times on our (daughters) birthday

9/5/2010 – 10/4/2010 – 470 times, 23 times on My wife's birthday

10/5/2010 – 11/4/2010 – 441 times, 9 times on my birthday

11/5/2010 – 12/4/2010 – 281 times, 25 times on Thanksgiving

12/5/2010 – 1/4/2011 – 221 times, 11 times on Xmas Eve, 6 times on Xmas

1/5/2011 – 2/4/2011 – 231 times, 9 times on New Years,

2/4/2011 – 2/8/2011 – 30 times and then I discovered it at 5:00 AM 2/9/2011

2,254 text and 6 phones calls several lasting at least 30 minutes

Well she admitted now that it's been off and on for 2-3 years texting only with no physical contact and she would take a lie detector test to prove it. After 5 days I agreed and set up the polygraph on our 21st anniversary. She failed the test 3 times with the main question, have you EVER had sex with this guy. Well she was caught in the lie and told us that the one and ONLY time she had sex with him was 15 yrs ago on his job in some back room. I am devastated! I never want to work shift work again.

She STILL claims that this most recent 2-3 year texting affair had NO sexual contact, just texting and she wants to save our marriage.

She is adamant, will not budge from that and she will not agree to go back for a second polygraph.

We have been to 2 marriage counselors together and I have been to one for myself, my regular doctor, my psychiatrist, and I got an attorney to start divorce proceedings but I am holding off to see If I can heal before I move that quickly. I also just found out about a credit card she had that I had no idea she had it and racked up more that $15,000 on it since 2008. Our finances should look better than this but I now see how our money has been declining.

I love my wife dearly but the pain I am going through is unimaginable! I don't know what to do. I need help and I need help now.

At this stage, the most important thing you can do is keep hydrated and eat whatever you can whenever you can.

Try to sleep whenever possible, because I am sure sleeping is difficult. Consider seeing a doctor for anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication if this is an issue.

Most important of all, even though you don't sound like it is an issue, remember that you are in no way responsible for any of this.

Also, make sure that your wife understands that she can never have contact with this person ever again for the rest of her life, and if it is unavoidable for any reason, she should tell you beforehand. If it is accidental she should tell you about it as soon as possible.

Sorry that your wife signed you up for this club that no one ever wants to join.

Your WW is in an EA & PA. That's for sure. So she's adamant that was their ONLY physical contact but does not want to retake the polygraph? Then she is lying straight to your face. Cheaters can lie to your face, they will swear on the Bible, they will swear on their lives and their childrens lives, they will swear on their parents lives to further their lies. This is a proven fact.

As for racking up the charges on a credit card, if you're able, can you access the actual account online? You might be surprised by what you discover. You may discover charges to hotels, charges for clothes that you never saw (may be gifts for him). One thing IS certain, when they are that deeply in the fog of their affair, they can do outrageous things. I know my fWW spent hundreds of dollars in calling cards to have literally over 10,000 minutes to call her OM. That was money we didn't have, yet she did it anyway.

Those hundres of INTIMATE texts messages to the OM are proof by themselves.

Now you must expose this affair to the OMW.

Man....

welcome to SI....but sorry you had to join our group...

Have you read the "healing library"??? its in the yellow box on theleft side of this screen...please do, OK?

Is your wife in any contact with her OM?? Are you sure??

I love my wife dearly but the pain I am going through is unimaginable! I don't know what to do. I need help and I need help now.

Yep..i remember my DDay...worst day of my life..but, you will survive.

Remember as you go through all this affair bullshit that this is NOT your fault...YOU HAVE ZERO BLAME in her decision to cheat....zero...

also...i didnt believe anything my FWW said....cheaters lie...

Keep us posted, bro...'

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 3:15 AM, March 6th (Sunday)]

I'm sorry for your pain, I do believe your ww is lying, most ws's when first caught go right to lying.

Take care of yourself, and read and listen to the wise people here.

The thing I wished I most did the first dday is I wish I had followed the 180, doing it now, 4 years later and for the first time I am feeling in control.

I also wish I had really trusted my gut, and the evidence, and didnt allow my wh to talk me out of things I "knew" were true. I believed because I wanted to.

I also wish I had not tried to r without my wh meeting all of my expectations, I allowed him to be complacent, because in some ways I thought it was easier, just move on and cross my fingers he is telling me the truth, cross my fingers he is sorry, cross my fingers he won't cheat again, coss my fingers he wants an authentic life!

Well it never worked out for me, because this road is paved with a lot of pain, hardwork, and there is never an easy out or any of us.

Post, vent, and take care of yourself and I'm sorry you are hurting, hugs!

I never want to work shift work again.

The problem is not shift work. The problem is you can't trust your lying, cheating WW.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. (((Huge hugs))))

To be able to reconcile, you need:

No contact with the other guy (NC with the OM)

Transparency (she TELLS you her passwords, her credit rating, where are the skeletons are buried, hands over her cell phone, computer, etc.)

Remorse (she is TRULY sorry for what she did and how it has affected you, not sorry that she just got caught)

Without these things? You have no marriage. You cannot try to reconcile alone, and hold the whole thing up yourself. So, unfortunately, you need to lawyer up and proceed with divorce. That *might* have the result of shaking her out of her complacency. Or it might not. But either way, you're further ahead out of this nightmare than where you are now.

And if it does shake her out of her insanity -- you have to ask yourself -- do you want someone who has to be coerced with divorce proceedings to be faithful and commit to you? Do you want someone who could DO this to you? How real is the "remorse" if it only shows up after you bust her?

It's a hard path and you will grieve. But you will survive it and be okay in the end. I promise.

FWIW? My husband was married 22 years to a serial cheater. He divorced her. Met me (I was also once married to a serial cheater) -- we're married and very, very happy together.

There's life after this.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by squiffle at 7:03 AM, March 6th (Sunday)]

I think you just need to tell her you do not believe what she is telling you and without some form of proof you cannot go forward with the M. Especially with her racking up the amount of CC debt she did in just a few short years, I am like others and feel she spent it on the OM. Give her a choice, truth, a polygraph, or D. You would want to give her at least 72 hours to thinnk about it.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Be sure to take care of yourself, eat healthy and try to get as much sleep as possible.

On D day I also discovered about as many text messages as what you've posted. It is truly devastating, especially when you can see they were texting on holidays, birthdays, etc. when you thought everything was fine.

The problem isn't swing sift work. It is that you cannot and should not trust your WW right now. The fact that she flunked 3 polygraphs and will not take another speaks volumes. She is not telling you the truth. And you are entitled to the full truth. Without having the full truth, you will never know if she is remorseful.

I think there are certain things that you need to do right now:

1. See an attorney so you know what your rights are.

2. Continue in counseling and if you aren't on anti-depressants, talk to them about that. They helped me and others a lot.

3. Is she willing to give you total transparency going forward? You will need all of her email accounts and passwords. You will need to know if she is texting and to whom, when, etc. She needs to be accountable to you.

4. Is the OM married? If he is, contact his BS and let her know about the affair.

5. Is she NC with OM now? She needs to do a NC call to him (with you present). I would not accept anything less.

Big hugs. Please take care of yourself and continue posting. It really helps and you will get a lot of support from people who know exactly what you are going through.

Well, for starters don't believe a damn thing that comes out of her mouth.

Start snooping. I'll send you a private message on a few ways to do that.

I'm so sorry for you. Infidelity is a hard hit.

Others are right, you need to be sure to eat and take care of yourself. Try to sleep, not easy.

As far as your wife, I'm pretty sure she is lying to you about the sex. She had an emotional affair and she was also having a physical affair.

You caught her before she was ready to give the affair up. She's in what we call the fog and until she wakes up, she will continue to lie and cheat and try to carry on the affair behind your back.

My H also spent thousands of dollars on his affair partner, money we didn't have and we are woking like crazy to get out of debt. Something so unnecessary and so selfish when I think of all the families that are struggeling in this economy.

Take a breath, take care of you and come and vent on SI whenever you need to.

I appreciate all of your replies, I really do. I want to tell you all what I've done since I found this out 2/9/11.

The very next day I spent around $1300 talking to 2 different attorneys. I chose one and the very next day I filled out my divorce papers AND a restraining order. This was Friday the 11th so he couldn't go to the courthouse until that following Monday.

Well, since I was at work all night on the 8th, discovered this on the 9th in the am, I was running on adrenalin and water for almost 4 days. I MAY have had 2-3 hours sleep in this period. Well that Saturday night I felt like my heart was racing and I drove myself to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack.

While in the hospital my wife and daughter showed up, my daughter is frantic, my wife wants to come home from her sisters house, and at that time, I was a broken man.

I agreed and she came home.

I called the attorney and put the filing for divorce on hold because a promised my daughter that night in the hospital that I would go to at least 1 counseling session with my wife.

I did that on that Tuesday, I went to my regular doctor on Wednesday, I visited my psychiatrist on Thursday, and he did prescribe me some sleep aids as well as anti-depressants. I haven't taken any of the medications yet and I believe that I WANT to feel this pain for some reason. But just last week I found me another therapist, We went to another marriage councilor.

Shes left to be with her sister or her friend twice, now shes back after I begged and pleaded with her to come back.

I don't know what I am doing. I truly love her but the visions I keep having of her with him are too much. I can't sleep but I am eating a little better. I've lost 10 lbs. And if I proceed with the divorce. she WILL get alimony and I will lose just about everything. She will gain for destroying this family.

Another thing, the other guy is married too for 20+ years. I spoke with him twice and I just spoke with his wife after tracking her down. I am devastated. I need help!

Shes left to be with her sister or her friend twice, now shes back after I begged and pleaded with her to come back.

Oh this is just awful. I know it is so hard now, but don't beg and plead. You can't make her commit to her marriage if she doesn't want to. Read here on the 180 and try that.

You were good to lawyer up. I'm sorry about the alimony, I hate no fault states. Here's the thing -- you have to be prepared to lose it all to go forward. To mean what you felt when you filled out those papers. Being divorced, paying alimony? That's not the worst thing. The worst thing is sharing your spouse. Being married to someone who would hurt you and disrespect you this way. There is no price tag on that.

Don't buy peace at any cost. I would guess that your WW is not at her family's or friend's if she's not home, she's most likely still in her A.

And good of you to tell the other BS in this. You're navigating this well! Do you have someone in real life (IRL) to support you now? That you can turn to? SI is an amazing resource, we're here 24/7, so keep posting, but a IRL friend will help too.

Expose the affair. That tends to kill it.

Hang in there.

Friend,

I feel for you. I really do.

Right now everything is a blur. You feel trapped and there is no way out. Your heart feels like it will explode in your chest.

There is NO PAIN like betrayal by infidelity.

But listen to this--I promise it gets better.

It is a rough road ahead, no matter what path you choose. You have been emasculated. You have no trust or self-esteem. And the sad part is there are no short cuts through this mess--you have to plow straight forward.

Read here often. Post here often. I can't tell you how much help it can be to relate with others who have been or are going down this road.

You will learn some things here that don't seem to make sense in normal life. You will realize the behaviors of your wife may very well be predictable to a certain extent. But what is really important is the urging for you to take back control of your life---and you will.

And when you take back control, things will make much more sense to you. You will be able to think clearly and make decisions that you cannot make right now.

What you are experiencing right now is very "normal" around here. You are among friends.

Small steps right now--eat, drink, sleep.

You did nothing wrong here. NOTHING.

This affair is 100% on her--and she has to be the one to fix it.

Be strong. You are going to make it through this.

Sorry--Double post.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 11:46 AM, March 6th (Sunday)]

Mandmr1,

Understand that right now your emotions are going to be all over the place. You will find that your mood changes from minute to minute sometimes. Now is not a good time to make life-changing decisions. Right now, you need to work on keeping you healthy. Get some sleep, exercise for the stress, eat healthy.

I've been there and done that my friend. All of us have. It takes a lot out of you and from you. This ain't a game for wimps.

You can get through this. It's rough and it hurts like hell but it can be done. Right now concentrate on that.

As things even out for you emotionally you'll gain a better perspective on what your wants and needs are.

Hang in there Bro.

C=64

(((Mandmr1)))

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I'm feeling so much for you right now. We all know the deep pain you are in. Please try to look after yourself and come and post often.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

mandmr1

Sorry you are hurting so bad right now. We are all thinking of you and are here to listen and give you support whenever you need it!

As others have already said try to take care of yourself. You sound like you are taking it extremely hard both mentally and physically- so do try to eat, drink, and sleep. Also try to focus your mind on something else for a little while each day. As hard as it is that will give you some time to clear your head.

Also do not proceed with the divorce yet. This is all too new. There IS a chance you can save your relationship if both you and your wife are willing to work for it. Again don't beg and plead with her. Try the 180. I know it's hard not to talk to her and try to make everything better right away, but you will be surprised how the 180 works. If she really wants to work on fixing what she's broken (in the worst way possible) she will come back to you! Remember this is not your fault and that you deserve better. This is hard but you can and will survive one day at a time! Post often, we all care about you!

Everyone, thanks again for all of your kind words. You are an inspiration to me and I can tell you really care. My emotions DO change minute by minute and TIME is not moving fast enough to heal me. I cannot get the visions of what she did, how long she did it, and why she did it, she enjoyed another man almost like she was in love in my opinion, she couldn't have loved me to do something like this starting 15 years ago....I AM hurting bad...It sucks to be a man sometimes. I really can't take this...

YES you can do this. Trust me-I made it-and when I found out I was pregnant and we had a baby that wasn't even walking.

And a job as an attorney. I made it. You can too.

And OHHELL2THANO- re:begging her back. I KNOW you want to--but if you want your marriage to work-180!!!!

If you have to unplug the phone-so you won't call her-then do that.

DO NOT BEG.

Fake indifference if you must. Stick up for yourself!!! Fake it if you have to.