SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OK GREAT!

Not “GREAT not as great you are getting divorced” but rather “GREAT – you now know your path”. Now you can move on.

So start the process.

Do not set off with any intent of making a difficult process any harder. The rule about avoiding the drama is still in place. But don’t lean over backwards to make things easier. You have your lawyer – she has hers and you two find resolve on the major issues. Remember: right now it’s an even split 50/50 and if you get less then that’s only because you relinquish it.

Lawyers are only interested in tangibles. Your WW has reached the emotional decision to divorce and you have accepted that it beats sharing her. So avoid the emotional drama as much as you can.

Please know that Option B may only be temporary. Now that she's back in the house and has a moment for all this to sink in? She may get angry yet. Good luck to you in the coming days...

I would not look as Option B as temporary- if the circumstances change- OK- but do not even put the smallest hope on that.

You are focused on your family and you and kids are what is important. You are doing the best you can with her choices.

God Bless,

Gracee

I still think the 180 is key as much as you can. Ignore the "poor me" routine. Anything else will only reinforce that behavior. Take care of yourself and your children. Maybe she will begin to see you as more valuable, maybe not. The point is, it will give you the strength that you need to move forward in the capacity that's best. Kids need only one good, stable, involved parent to do well. In fact, my kids are doing a lot better since ex moved out. I'm not advocating divorce and we tried for 3 years before I had had enough, but I wasn't able to change a narcissist. Something to consider since I wasted 3 years, but at least I tried and realized there was too much damage done.

Feb, been following your posts, and you have given me more strength than I have had in awhile. Keep your chin up for those kids.

My first post to this thread. We all feel for you, this is truly the hardest most painful thing we BS's have ever had to endure.

I've been thinking about your poor MIL. 1st her life was devasted by her WH years ago, and now her daughter has done the same thing. I'm sure she must be feeling "what the hell!". How is this going to impact her now?

How old was your WW when her father did this same thing to her own Mother? Doesn't she remember any of that pain? And yet she is willing to wield that same knife?

Hang in there Feb. Everyone here on SI is sending our positive vibes your way. I'm sure today is a day that will live in infamy

I suspect that even as I write this, you are having 'the talk' about S and D.

Given everything you have written about the self-absorbed harpie you live with, expect her to decide that everything bad in her life is now down to your unwillingness to see the inner person she is. Expect rage like you have never seen it from her. Expect accusations of all kinds of abusive behavior. Expect child protective services to be knocking on your door. Keep the VAR with you at all times. Get her out of the house ASAP. Hey if I'm wrong , gr8.

Look at it this way. Her 9 month vacation has to end and she has to find a job. She is now known as the town ho. People will whisper about her and point. Her friends will shun her. Her family will be dumbfounded. Her kids will be heartbroken. And worst of all, you broke her good vibe. Expect her to rise from the dung heap of her sordid little life like a Medusa - and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT.

So be strong, be alert, AND FREEZE THAT $5K.

Are you guys jumping to conclusions? Where was it stated his WW wanted a divorce?

Last thing I read was that she was acting sad and mopey.

What's option B? Acting normal or divorce?

What's option B? Acting normal or divorce?

Option B was that she would be sad and mopey and have the poor me attitude.

Option B was miss sad and mopey, woes me girl. Not divorce. Let's let feb fill us in later and not jump to D talk yet. One step at a time. I have faith in feb... He will see her for what she is, it will take a few days to sort out and as we all know can be very fluid from minute to minute.

There could be an Option C too. She goes all clingy and suddenly decides Feb is worthy of her sexual attention. The Hail Mary play. The big desperate run at the Rug Sweep.

Sad and mopey morphs to.. but really I love you! Don't want to lose "us."

Then she throws out some kibbles of "self reflection" that yeah, mistakes were made. There's some collateral damage... but you know, it's all Feb's fault for telling.

Stay strong Feb!

I think option B was mentioned as divorce in an earlier post, hence the confusion.

Hang in there Feb, we got your back, soon as we know what is going on.

Option C.

But that's temporary for me..about 10 minutes

Seriously, not sue what's happening...C was brought on by me going to my sisters, discussing staying there for free for awhile, which was brought on by MIL saying she wants to stay with her D (WW) no matter what, meaning the only impossible S/D scenario is me staying in our home with our kids...

less time to update with her home...

Before anyone moves anywhere, Feb, you need to clear this all with a lawyer. Some places if you leave without a signed separation agreement, it is construed as abandonment. IMO, you need to consider other options, such as selling the home.

Here's the thing -- if you WANT something, if something is dear to you? Then she's got a hook by which to manipulate you.

You can't live in the house with the kids? Then -- she thinks STALEMATE! -- no S/D, no consequences, she can work on you from this vantage point.

Same with needing sex, same with wanting an intact family, same with love you feel for her. All tools with which to manipulate you with.

So your job is to LET GO. Detach. Everything is on the table. Living arrangements. Going without sex until such a time as you are S/D and dating OR your WW morphs into an actual candidate for R. (When pigs fly, IMO.)

Manipulation is about control. She wants the upper hand in this situation. You CANNOT give it to her. For this to move forward -- she needs to hit bottom and feel the full brunt of consequences.

And you need a path, Feb. You cannot do these options. I throw them out there because WSs work from certain scripts. Anyone here on SI has seen this crap over and over and over again. This is what NOT owning your shit looks like. Unfortunately, it's much more common than owning your shit.

Update when you can... got a blackberry? Hide in the bathroom! Stay strong!

Feb,

I wouldn't rush into moving out of the house.

As bad as in house seperation is, you would still see your kids every day and be able to help them deal with what is happening.

If you move out it makes your WW's life so much simpler. She has the kids, MIL to babysit, your money to spend etc. etc.

ETA: Not to mention I can't see your leaving helping in a custody battle.

T

[This message edited by Tahiti at 11:53 AM, April 3rd (Sunday)]

Dude......

Do not...for any reason leave that house! Period...I was 10 minutes from doing that and it would have been the end...when a WW/H is in a pea soup fog..you can't clear the way for them....STAY PUT!

From day one your wife has been negotiating and making offers:

She offered to remain married if the marriage was open.

She offered to remain married as an economic union without emotional attachment.

She offered separation as an alternative to divorce.

I’m guessing she made you a new offer…

Why is she constantly making new offers? Well – I think it’s because you aren’t taking. It’s because to date you have refused to accept any compromises. Remember the car-showroom analogy? Well – now she’s offering you a deal where she buys the Ferrari but finances it by driving home groceries to old people. Not realistic.

So now she brings up option C.

Was that option on your list of possible outcomes? Is it an acceptable outcome? Will it lead to resolution of this situation? If not then stand FIRM as you have already.

Feb – I don’t believe in making things harder than they have to be. Divorce is hard and it can get messy even in the best of times. No need to make it harder BUT neither is there any need to lean over backwards to make it easier. If this ends in D then I sincerely hope you two are mature enough to co-parent in an amicable way BUT I can guarantee you two won’t be friends, you won’t share secrets, you won’t be confidants, you won’t’ spend Thanksgiving together.

PLEASE Feb – don’t enter what I call White Knight Syndrome where you feel that YOU have to sacrifice the house, the assets, the dog and the cat to ensure your kids the ability to remain in the family house. Whatever decision made now can impact your ability to start a new life. Three years from now you won’t be happy having the kids over in your two bedroom apartment (because you let WW have the house and all assets). You won’t be happy if she meets a new man who sells his house to move into the house you left her. You won’t be happy about limiting your ability to move on because of financial hardships you willingly take on. Tread VERY carefully here and have your lawyer give you the best advice he can on how you can be fair in this. FAIR being the key word.

I venture that if a couple leave the details of D to 2 lawyers with the instructions to adhere to the law and to be fair then it can be hammered out in a few days. It’s when arguments over who gets the couch and who gets the vase aunt Jenny gave you arise that problems arise. Divorce more or less inevitably includes financial hardship. Somehow getting half of what you owned is always less than owning half of what you have.

Your WW will make the pitch: We will always be friends.

Stop her off right away. You probably have divorced friends. Do they hang out with their exes? You tell her NO. We will be co-parents BUT I doubt we will be friends. I’m detaching as much and as fast as I possibly can.

Car salesman is the best analogy ever. And considering the 'condition' (the As) it's more like used car while trying to minimize the obvious problem.

Updates for today....

Many things have been discussed...

She is upset that she can no longer ride with the group, but she also said it was her own fault, a break from the blameshifting. She also said that she knew she was risking it at the time, and that she wished she hadn't.

She is starting to talk about other issues that I have thought all along were contributing factors...she doesn't like her job, our kids can be stressful and demanding, we had't made time to do things together, etc. Our boys both play hockey (2 teams each, but not nearly as much as kids in "Rep." hockey play) and she HATES it, rarely comes to the games, and I often end up with all three at the arena. Hockey is pretty much over, so this is her golden time (no hockey, off work, nicer weather)...she could be happy now, but Septmeber brings work stress and hockey again.

I told her that all parents with three kids have it tough and make sacrifices, but she finds it harder than she thought. She has agreed to consider counselling.

HOWEVER, either of us leaving is still on the table. My sister and BIL are really trying to get me to come stay with them for awhile for free. Ironically, we stayed with them for 7 weeks (only had one son then) while our house was being built. I am seriously considering it...when I was there for dinner by myself yesterday, she phoned twice asking me to come home...

She also said today that maybe she should leave and see the kids on weekends.

I refuse to be a "White KNight", bigger, but the reality is that blood is thicker than water, as we all expected, so the one scenario that is impossible long-term is me staying with the kids. I would expect to be bought out however, for my share of the equity. Selling really doesn't help anyone get further ahead. Watching another man move into my home would be very difficult, but the worst part would be watching him move into my kid's lives. Oh fuck I'm crying.