SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Feb:

I've been keeping up with your journey here, but so many people have given you such good advice, I haven't posted until now.

I wanted to raise the subject again of your ww not living in your home when she returns. I realize time is short now and there are legal issues to deal with. And since you are in Canada, I have no idea of what process you need to go through. I am simply offering an opinion here.

I realize you may not be able to legally force her out and there isn't time for that anyway....but there is always what I call "force of personality." If your wife come home to a change of locks on the door and a bag of her stuff on the front porch, she will get the message. Or better yet, simply take a bag of her things to leave in her van, let her pick it up and find a place to stay, @ least temporarily.

In-house separations are very hard to do...it is very hard not to fall back into those old comfortable patterns (even bad patterns can feel comfortable b/c they are familiar). Even if you only do it for a few days and talk during that, you might be more relaxed and less stressed than with her in the house with both you and the kids.....

she thought, "I hope this doesn't screw everything up with this group."

You give her too much credit. I doubt there was any thought at all to the potential fall out.

Feb,

I don‘t think a single veteran here on SI has advised against exposure.

I don’t recall a single poster telling you that exposure would be easy.

I don’t recall a single poster telling you to expect your WW to be happy about exposure.

I don’t think a single veteran here will tell you that your marriage will end because you exposed.

Bigger, perhaps I misinterpreted Feb, but I got the feeling he was relating his experience with people off-board, IRL in what he described.

Hang in there Feb. You are such a strong person and great father. I just want to remind you of that now, b/c I know you need it.

Refuse to engage. Period. I am sorry you feel that way works for almost every self serving, manipulative, feel sorry for me comment she can come up with. (Trust me, as FWH didn't like those words, either).

When she starts, hang with your kids. Refuse to engage around the kids and if she does, threaten to leave with the kids or she leaves without if she can't shut the f*** up. Don't engage.

You can do this. I promise.

Courage by the Tragically Hip

t/j

Somewhat.

I’m assuring Feb that the collective view and experience here on SI is that he’s on the right track.

We might be wrong but at least he won’t be lonely!

You are doing good Feb. Keep strong.

I agree with quedagh, get a VAR.

The current solid state VARs record to a chip instead of tape and can record for hundreds of hours and best of all are totally silent (No cassette mechanism).

Carry it in your pocket and start it recording when you hear your WW arrive.

This is "just in case" for your own protection.

Good luck.

PR

Just checking up on ya, Feb......

Bufffalo

She's back...got in around 2 am, sleeping in daughter's room. Kids will be excited...after that..???

((((feb))))

hang in there, and expect the unexpected - ie, be prepared for ANYTHING, most especially her trying to weasel her way back.

It's so hard to stay strong when you have feelings too, but just remember that you also have to be there for your precious children. And unfortunately, now that means not falling for her tricks and allowing her to manipulate you.

Breathe. Drink water. Try to sleep. You are doing well to detach from her antics.

btw, GREAT JOB informing the OBSs. Please know that YOU did not do this to them, SHE (and the OMs) did. You are NOT responsible for breaking up their marriage(s). Just as if they had informed you first, the breakup of your marriage would not be THEIR fault - it's WW's actions.

Post when you need strength, we are ALL here to support YOU - through S/D/R/whatever path you decide is best for YOU and FebKids.

((((feb))))

Hang in there, and stay strong. Remember, you are NOT the bad guy, and all this fallout is just the reality of her actions.

((feb))

You will get through this.

You are prepared. Do not get sucked into her self pity and blame shifting. You are teflon...... You already know wht you have to say. Rinse and repeat.

Sending you strength.....

[This message edited by redrock at 7:32 AM, April 2nd (Saturday)]

I talk a lot about drama and encourage you not to feed it. So let’s look a bit at what I would consider drama in your present situation:

OK – so now she‘s sleeping in the daughters room. What you DON’T want (IMHO) is that she wakes up, is that she sobs and sighs and mopes around.

You don’t want her threatening to leave or demanding you leave

You don’t want her leaving the paper open at the rental ads.

You don’t want the silent treatment for six days.

You don’t want some half-ass separation idea. You know – let’s separate for now to see how things go.

What you want is resolution.

OK – give her an acceptable amount of time (I’m guessing 6-24 hours max) but then press the issue:

You know what I want most of all

BUT I WON’T SHARE YOU!

Either we are in a marriage or we are not.

If not then it’s only a formal process to terminate it.

If we are still married there are conditions.

YOU ARE TOTALLY FREE TO MAKE YOUR CHOICE

BUT THEY ARE LIMITED AS FAR AS I GO TO THESE TWO OPTIONS.

Feb – stay strong. This is a marathon and you are doing great.

Morning feb,

Sending you all the strength in the world today. May your WW step up and own her shit. Either way, I pray for you and your well being.

(((Feb)))

You are doing great....keep going.....(((Feb)))

We are here for you Feb. Hang in there.

You can do this.

I have been following this thread with baited breath. You are doing amazingly well considering the shit storm that has been thrown upon you.

You are in control of how this moves forward. If you are considering reconciling you need to give her the playbook.

Like a football game you have boundaries and rules of the game. Infractions and there are penalties. Follow the rules, play continues.

I can almost guarantee you the blameshifting and beligerance will continue. However you don't have to play in her playground. You are now on your turf so you have homefield advantage.

Stay strong. Peace be with you.

Well this is going to get interesting.

I'm worried about your kids. Is there ANY way you can take them to your sister's or something for the day? You really don't want them around during what will either be a big confrontation OR some kabuki theater of the absurd. You know, where she shows up for breakfast like everything is normal, normal. And you have to suck it up.

My guess is that she's taken option B and is doing the sad, mopey Poor Her routine. You're supposed to notice her Pain and react.

180 hard. You're getting good advice here.

Stay strong!

yep, option B

I haven't read all of this- but a lot. I just want you to know ((((Feb)))) you are a good person and it is obvious you are looking out for the kids and the family.

Divorce is tough, but growing up with a wayward parent is even tougher. God Bless you and your family.

Gracee