May will mark my 35th wedding anniversary. I plan on bestowing upon my wife a special gift this year. More on that in a moment.
It has been a little over a year since my wife admitted to having an affair, followed up with several other unsavory events over the next 20 plus years. Over the course of the past year a lot has transpired, some good, mostly bad.
Let’s start with my choice of words “she admitted”. I personally make the distinction between admitting to something and confessing something. To me you admit when you are forced into a corner with no way out, you confess to something when you voluntarily supply information that may be damning, but you feel it is the right thing to do. My wife admitted. That has weighed heavily on me, if I had not pressed would she have ever confessed, probably not.
The admissions began in January 2010 and continued until December 2010. An entire year of “I remembered something else”. It has been like absorbing body blow after body blow, never receiving the knock out punch, just being beaten down. While most of the admissions could be debated as consequential to most, they all were transgressions to our marriage, but both my wife’s admission and mine.
I will admit that during this time I have at times felt I had reached my breaking point and have in fact told her 5-6 times that I wanted a divorce. Each time we were able to survive. In my defense I will say I never once called her a name, used foul language, or was verbally abusive.
I have on numerous occasions asked her for certain things. I asked that upon occasion she come to me and talk about all that has transpired. Not to go into the details of what happened but to talk about why at the time she felt it was okay to go outside the marriage and what if anything she had learned. She has struggled mightily with this. She is a conflict avoider and rather than sitting down and discussing this with me she would rather say one or two sentences and try to skate by.
She repeatedly says her affair “just happened”. My opinion on this is that while I concur that a one episode event might “just happen” once the one episode evolves into months of involvement one can no longer use the “just happened” excuse. This required planning, deceit, constant lies, etc.
I have told her numerous times that I will not tolerate any lying anymore. She has agreed that she will be 100% honest from now on.
To make a long story short here is what has recently transpired (in last four months).
She informs me she has a meeting to attend after work that is work related, this is valid, I know. I ask if it is mandatory, she says she emailed her boss who said yes, she needs to be there. The meeting will be at the hospital. The truth… (she does not know I have access to her email) the meeting with be at a hotel, her boss said she would like my wife to attend, but not absolutely necessary.
She has to go out of town in April for a training convention (does this every year). This is one of the venues where problems have occurred in the past. She informs me she filled out her convention events and she is only attending the classes, she did not sign up for any of the social events. Again, I check behind her and see that she signed up for “Casino night” and a dinner/dance.
About a month ago I told her I needed to spend Saturday doing some work at my parent’s house (truth). After I left she called me on my cell and said she had decided to go to see her parents. Bells go off for me. I told her okay, would see her later. I pulled off to a side road and waited for her to drive by. When she did I followed her at a discrete distance and saw that she pulled into a McDonalds. Instead of going in she went to a pay phone. I saw her talking on the phone. I called her cell. She answered. Told me she was at McDonalds (true) getting cup of coffee (lie). I told her to enjoy her visit with her parents and would see her later. I did not bother to wait around to see what if anything else happened or if she actually went to her parents or not.
So I have spent the last month looking for a new job and think I have found one a couple hundred miles away. I plan on giving her the good news in May, letting her know that I have found an exciting new job, but that I will have to leave, permanently. I sincerely hope that she finds our 35th wedding anniversary gift one that she will remember for the rest of her life.
