SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HurtButHopeful,

She brought up the idea, but I was going to demand it anyway. I don't think it's going to be what she expected for her. Perhaps she wants to escape, but knowing her, it's likely going to have an impact that she does not want.

OM#2 is overseas. I'm positive she wants no contact or anything to do with him. I'm not concerned about her carrying on anything (although I told her I have trust issues since she's not being transparent). WW and OM#1 work in the same company (he's located very far away). WW and OM#2 have not worked together in 7 or 8 years, and he's located out of state as well.

I have copies of his emails and voice mails, including dates/times.

Chopping

Do you think this is her way of trying to reassert control? Sleeping in another room? Something just seems off in her reactions. If I am worrying about something escalating(as she was), then wouldn't I worry for your safety and immediately let you know? The fact she would leave you out of the loop when threats are being issued is a concern I think you should consider.

MovinogPast,

Good questions. It may very well be her trying to assert some control. I will mention something I said waaaay back in this thread about her.

Much of it is about pride. Her image of the perfect life and family perceived by the outside world has been shattered. She sees this as a real threat. A light has been shone on her secret world, and she is very afraid of that being shown to persons outside our marriage. Since confrontation, she digs her heels in the most when it comes to things involving other people (other BW's, OM's, etc.). She seems to be crushed every time I contact these people. She does not in any way want the details of an affair to leave this house, I believe. I have told her that there are consequences she must face, and hard as it may be, she needs to face them.

She thinks that this escalation is going to go away if I just sit on my hands. I'll do what I need to to legally protect my family.

Or there could be OM#5 still in town.

Dunno, I think if she doesn't play ball soon, she needs to get served papers. That and the proposition of paying child and spousal support might get her to take things seriously.

Btw, I would relish the chance to extract spousal support from her. :P That's just me though.

Aaaaaand she just messaged me with apologies, can't live without us, and wants to come home tonight.

I took a page from jjct (see page 1 of this thread) and told her not to come home unless she is willing to show me complete transparency, honesty, remorse, and NO contact. NO exceptions.

Bravo! Now, what happens IF there is another exception? :)

you're doing great, i am sure you have thought of this already.. but don't forget to check her cell records- online today if you can. see if she had any contact with OM during the time she was gone today?

CO- hang in there! You're doing great.

I'm sure your WW would love for this to stay a secret. I know it's humiliating all around, but truthfully it's what she's done. My philosophy has been not to go out of my way to take the info out of the house, but if it comes up or I'm asked (and you will be if you separate BTW) I do not lie to protect him. This was a dirty little secret that ripped my world apart.

I hope for both your sake that when WW gets exposed to whatever extent you plan to expose her behaviors, that she gets some counseling and begins to be a real person, not a pretender, inside and outside your household.

While I feel bad for you, I'm glad you know who you are and don't have your identity wrapped around WW. You are not falling apart, but the world around you is. Sorry.

You will continue to be the rock for your daughter. She is blessed to have you as a father.

Stay steady, CO. . . .you're doing great.

Not sure if I have ever posted to your thread, but want to say how proud we all are of you and how you have conducted yourself, held your ground.

It is a good idea to end your relationship with the BW. I handed the MOW's BH all my info and he promptly handed it all to his wife the next time he saw her. Needless to say, she promptly delivered it all to my WH the next day. (coworkers) I thought that I had some type of agreement with BH, but apparently he felt that he needed to give his WW the benefit of the doubt and gave her the opportunity to dispute everything I gave him. It was all emails copied via keylogger, so my source was given up.

I understand your WW's work sit, but may I recommend that you insist she cease working in any arena with these OM? My WH still works with soon to be divorced OW and the fantasy lives on and on. I am the angry wife who told his children, my closest friends(one is an employee at same company as WH),and my family. Apparently that is more UNforgivable than the affair.

Truly, hold your guns on this point. There is a long road ahead in the trust department; I don't know that anyone survives their WS working with the OP that long...

A few things to consider. You are SAHD and entitled to support under the eyes of the court (in most states). Your daughter is entitled to support. You want that kind of order put in by the court while she is still working.

"she is crushed when you contact OM and BS". That one set my spider sense to tingling. My first wife had woven a long intricate web of lies about who I was and what I was to her new set of friends(who included her OM) She justified her transgressions by saying I was an abusive husband and a bad father. Since one or two of them knew me I was eventually told about this. Your WW may be spinning similar lies.

Also, who gives a crap about her "image of perfection" in the family. She took a great big dump on your marital bed.

Hang in there.

I took a page from jjct (see page 1 of this thread) and told her not to come home unless she is willing to show me complete transparency, honesty, remorse, and NO contact. NO exceptions.

atta boy, CO.....

Draw that line in the dirt..like travis at the Alamo...set your limitations - and back 'em up.

Nice job....

Bufffalo

chopped is tightening the screws and WW is feeling the pressure.

Did she actually come home last night?

Was she forthcoming?

Something tells me that didn't happen.

Keep the pressure on, your doing fantastic!!

Yeah, she came home last night. I didn't speak to her one word all evening. She went to bed many hours early, and I heard her crying. Left her my copy of "Not Just Friends" in the bedroom.

This morning, she handed over her work phone and told me to keep it while she's at work so I can monitor all her work communication. She's making me a list of all her passwords (after scrubbing old boyfriends names as passwords, I see!) I have them ALL already anyway. You'd think by now she'd realize the scope of what I have access to, which is basically EVERYTHING. She can't blink without me knowing.

More apologies. Maybe she'll start to see the light, I dunno. I'm pretty sure she knows I mean business.

OM#2 appears to have gone silent after my NC email to him. Hopefully that's the end of that. He's on legal thin ice as it is.

So, overall, I'd say some progress today. What a roller coaster!

CO,

I am most impressed with your coolness under the most extreme of pressures in dealing with a spouse's infidelity. I also am glad to see where it appears that your WW is at least making the attempts to work with you on giving you the things you need to try and begin to rebuild. One thing that really has bothered me is OM #2 actions. I am not certain where you live but if you are in a state that recognizes the alienation of affection claim you may want to consider reviewing your case with an experienced attorney and I would recommend more of a trial lawyer than a divorce attorney. This would be a civil action mater and not a family law matter. As another poster mentioned above, he considered that avenue as well but thought better of it as he considered that the other BS would have a case against his WW as well and he just wanted to get on with life. That is certainly a reasonable and smart decision and if you and your WW have the ability to put things in the past and move forward as a stronger couple then I would not advise it. But if OM#2 keeps it up then it may warrant a review of the situation. Having been there and done that there are a myriad of issues (good and bad) to consider if you go that route but I will tell you, you will get his attention and in a hurry. I would not advocate it in every situation by any means but if someone declares "War" on you then you better be prepared to fight to win. And you can not only win by getting OM#2 to back off you may also get OM#2 to compensate you for your pain and suffering and there is nothing like knowing the OM did not get away scot free. Your WW will be adamantly opposed to any such action but there are ways to handle it and limit her involvement or exposure. Stay strong and do not back down on WW - you are playing by your rules now. Hopefully there will come a point in time very soon where you can show her compassion as well because it does appear she is hurting. But make certain you have gotten every bit of information you want about every possible OM - start over with WW with a clean slate so to speak. If you soften on her and she sees it and even if there is more to tell she will most likely leave it buried. My thoughts and prayers are with you and WW.

PR

((CO))) Wow!!! I've been following your story from the beginning and I must say patience really is a virtue. Although you thought you should wait a little while longer to confront the small argument (about DD) was the straw that broke the camels back. I'm glad bc you were holding too much chit inside it was inevitable..

Take good care of yourself and make sure you continue to stand your ground.... I bet your WW is very shocked by you right now and you've gained all the respect you deserve from her...

CO, can you confirm where she went lastnight? She obviously needed space to do something...but what? It's weird, she knows that your monitoring her at home and maybe her office! If I was you I'd check to see if she broke NC with OM2. It would seem to me she did....that's why he went dark. Hope not!

PhoenixRising, very good thoughts, thank you. Checked on alienation of affection, and neither ours or his state honors it. OM#2's gone silent, so he's either realizing the force of the law that will come down on him if he tries anything, or he's plotting something stupid. It's quite clear that the law is on my side. He's probably desperate given his situation (being overseas, wife probably throwing his shit out on the lawn, etc.).

toby, she came straight home from work after she begged to come back. I'm sure she's not breaking NC now. She now knows the legal implications of this and she will not make any attempts.

At this point, it's pretty clear she is not having any affair-like activity. But she knows she's very much in the doghouse with me, and she's going to have to bend over backwards in terms of honoring boundaries. I told her yesterday, NO EXCEPTIONS to those four things, and she knows I mean it.

Speaking of bending over backwards... How have things been in the sex department lately?

Really, I'm wondering if she is trying to sex you up as a way of making amends...