SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Discontinue,

Not happening until she gets tested.

CO: I read through your story. Wow. Good luck with everything, you are much stronger than most.

When I was suspect of infidelity and asked my WH, after all the defense, he would let me keep his phone or gave me passwords. THis helped relieve some of the suspicions, just to find out a year later that they shared a email account that he only accessed from his phone when he went to work and then deleted his phones history. I personally cannot trust any attempts to try to prove to me tangibly that he is not doing something. It's all actions from here on out.

You said she was the one that suggested the hotel/motel separation, correct?

I wonder if she used that time to get her ducks in a row so to speak and once done with that makes the call to you that she's all remorseful?

I'm no genius but something doesn't smell right

CO

You are going through this like a pro. A lot of people on this site could learn tons from you.

You said she was the one that suggested the hotel/motel separation, correct?

You know, during my WH's affair, I had done something that had really upset him. I hid a man from my past calling me at work. I didn't want to tell him because I knew it would be a sore subject and I knew I wouldn't be having any real contact with him because he lived out of the country. I told the OW (bff at the time), who I then later found out told WH. Once he confronted me (and at that time I had no idea she told him) I felt really bad and he even contemplated leaving me because I "can't be trusted". He suggested he go stay at a hotel overnight to do some serious "thinking". Him and whorebag went to the movies and then back to the hotel to share some awesome moments. I don't believe any of these infidels and their lies. Anyone suggesting going anywhere other than their mom's house has something up their sleeve. IMO.

She never spent any extra time away yesterday. She was at work when we had the discussion about her not coming home. She came home at the usual time from work, and she came straight from work to home (verified).

Like I said, I'm confident she's not involved in any hanky-panky at this time. She is very much trying to be in my good graces. I can understand a little bit from her perspective how she wouldn't want me to know that OM#2 is huffing and puffing about starting a war. But I'm not going to tolerate any deception/non-transparency at this point in our confrontation. I think she's gotten the message.

She is just now realizing some of the extent of my surveillance. She came home with a list of all her passwords, some 20 various accounts. I told her which ones she changed today (from OM#4's first name). She's not getting anything past me. She had the "caught again" look, which has become so common in the past 1-2 weeks. I know she's trying not to hurt me, but she needs to just give it up already.

I probably revealed too much in doing that, but hell, I'm not going to let her get away with any more crap.

Heh... "not trying to hurt you".

Such a copout. I got that too.

What it really means is that they don't want to hurt themselves. Man that pissed me off when I got that line to justify all the lying.

Still makes me angry.

What it really means is that they don't want to hurt themselves. Man that pissed me off when I got that line to justify all the lying.

Well said. I'll have to remember that one, thanks.

20 accounts!!! Surely these are legit accounts and not "secret". Right?

Just curious here: Have you discover any local OM(s) that she might have been interested in? Online dating site registrations?

With the double life she was leading, it's hard to believe that all these OM were long distance.

I'm sure I have more than 20 various accounts for things. She's got 2 email accounts (work/personal), banks, credit cards, shopping sites, Facebook, Ebay, professional sites, other online billing, etc. Not terribly unusual.

She's not that computer savvy, other than using her work applications. She's rarely on the computer even at home. No way she's on dating sites. Browsing on her phone is pretty much limited to her personal email and the occasional search for a fashion designer's latest.

I think it's unlikely that there are any local OM's. I think for the most part, she liked the attention (as she's admitted), perhaps coupled with the safety of these men living away from here so as to not disrupt her family life.

It's unlikely that she was communicating with other men by a different means of communication than the ones she's confessed to. She was fairly consistent, and I at least I knew about the existence of all of them, even before she confessed that they were A partners. She also had absolutely no idea I was keeping an eye on her activity -- I was far more paranoid than I needed to be. On D-Day, she only communicated secretly with one person, OM#2, and remember I had every inch of her world monitored, thanks to her purse.

I think it's fair to say that I probably know about all A's that were ongoing around the time of D-Day. The bigger unknown is her past, and whether I've got the complete picture of it. Hopefully, a polygraph will let me know if there are holes in her story.

She's started reading "Not Just Friends" tonight. I'm hoping that will reinforce some of the things I've been asking of her in the process of repairing this ugly mess.

I think it's fair to say that I probably know about all A's that were ongoing around the time of D-Day. The bigger unknown is her past, and whether I've got the complete picture of it. Hopefully, a polygraph will let me know if there are holes in her story.

That's what scares me...for you! The past! The poly will definately give you what you need to move on, I know it has for me.

I remember being scare shitless thinking what if my fww...fails! Then what?

Think hard about this CO. Prepare yourself for the possibility that more will come out....be it in the parking lot or after the test.

Then what?

Checked on alienation of affection, and neither ours or his state honors it.

Also look into criminal conversation. It does not matter where residence is, it is where the offence took place that has jurisdiction. If he calls, texts, or emails from a state that recognizes it, and that communication qualifies as part of the cause for action, then the court in that state could have jurisdiction.

CO,

Something about the night your WW left to stay in a hotel, then decided she can't live without you and returned home just doesn't feel right to me. You said the next morning she gave you her work phone so you could monitor her calls...I still smell a rat! And now there has been no signs of communication between her and OM#2 to your knowledge.

I wonder if while she was out that evening she purchased a prepaid phone before coming back home. Maybe that's why she handed over her work phone so willingly.

I feel there is deception still going on.

You're doing a fantastic job, keep up the amazing work....just don't let your guard down yet!

in the process of repairing this ugly mess.

Your WW should be grateful you are considering R'ing with her.

How soon are you planning the Poly? And what about the STD testing on both of you? Has WW actually made any appointments with a med. Dr. or an IC? Lip service is not the same as actual doing.

The prepaid phone idea seems right down her alley. She will still have to contact OM#3 and OM#4 to give them a heads up before you tell her to send them a NC letter. She might want to contact OM#2 as soon as he is back in the country, or give him a way to contact her, since they are both in the doghouse and can commiserate.

Is there any way for you to place a VAR in her office? Can you give her a surprise visit at her office to take her to lunch and ask her to leave her office for a few minutes while you search it? Now that she is exposed, you do not have to hide that you want to search her office, but she can't be there while you place a VAR.

I agree with others who smell a rat on the night away. She gave up 20 accounts and the work phone, but as we all know, it's the two accounts and one phone you don't know about that matter.

Has she agreed to a poly and have you made an appointment?

Have you consulted with an attorney? Maybe part of the reason she is so eager to get back in your good graces is that she has consulted with an attorney and realized the financial consequences of her actions. If I were you, I would get papers drawn up and slap them on the table with the ultimatum, "One more lie from you, and these get filed."

We all want to believe it when we hear things like, "I can't live without you," but, well, it makes it easy for the liar when they're telling you a lie you want to believe.

Chopping. You are awesome! Sorry for what you are trying to work through. Her finding out about the Var in the purse must have freaked you out a little. It should be a lesson to all of us. Never trust anyone with your secrets. Something I also discovered quickly was never confide in your spouse's friends. That will almost always backfire. Find a trusted real friend to talk to if you need. Coming here is also great.

Unfortunately it's such a tough situation because the WS is usually working on damage control and that normally includes lying and covering up stuff. They may also feel like they need someone to confide in and they may turn to their partner in crime.

Sounds like you are through talking with the OM's BS. I wouldn't talk to her anymore unless she called me and even then I only want to hear what she had to say and not offer anymore info to her. There's an old saying and it goes. "When you stir shit, it stinks"

You have a long battle but it does sound like your WW is trying.

[This message edited by StillStanding at 10:40 AM, June 10th (Friday)]

I for one can not wait for the poly.

by the way, you want to know more about poly's message alexa071.

I believe his wife did three!!

and he still had questions

Here would be my first poly question....and I'd have her in the poly chair on monday.

Did you buy a Secret Phone last week?

Be careful CO, something sounds 'off' about her trip to the hotel last week.

I'm assuming that you told her that you wanted her to be tested for STD's.

How did she respond to that ?

Things seem to be on the upswing today. She came home from work early, which gave us some time to talk while princess was at preschool.

She's been so apologetic. I do think she's sincere. She knows I have big issues with trust at this point, and for the past 48 hours, she's doing everything she can to comfort me and stick with the tenets we've agreed to. I've seen no evidence of hiding anything.

She says that with all the pressures of work, external influences, and us having drifted apart, she had forgotten the good life that we had (and we did). She says she realizes now after all the effort that I'd gone through pre- and post-confrontation, how much I loved her and cared for our marriage. She seems to be having an awakening of some sort. I hope it lasts.

We haven't had time to schedule the polygraph yet, mainly due to our schedules right now. I'm hoping next week it will happen. I pray that she passes.

Mr. OM#2 continues to maintain no contact. It appears that fire has died down.

ichoose2live,

Something about the night your WW left to stay in a hotel, then decided she can't live without you and returned home just doesn't feel right to me. You said the next morning she gave you her work phone so you could monitor her calls...I still smell a rat! And now there has been no signs of communication between her and OM#2 to your knowledge.

I wonder if while she was out that evening she purchased a prepaid phone before coming back home. Maybe that's why she handed over her work phone so willingly.

I'm honestly not very suspicious about this. I think she's been conflicted about wanting to escape for a day or two (probably to let things cool down with me after OM#2 started blustering legal nonsense, and her efforts to not let me find out about it) and not wanting to be apart from her family. As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I was almost certain that she would have second thoughts about spending some time away from home (and I was right). She brought it up again today that she values her family too much to be apart. I do think her eyes are opening.

She definitely doesn't have a secret phone. She knows by now that I would find it, and the only guy that she was actively involved with (OM#2) has thrown her under the bus. I also think OM#1 is probably scared shitless after our one and only conversation where I mentioned his wife by name and the email copies she should be expecting. He's been incommunicado as well.

She hasn't had STD testing yet. It'll happen though, and she knows it's on the agenda.

Now that the latest setback has died down, I think we are making some progress again. She's been talking about long-term home improvement projects and trips together, not something one would be suggesting if she was bailing on our marriage.

I'm cautious but trying to be optimistic.