SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

hopefulmom,

I can tell you get me! You know, he is so far away from recovery I think he is not even a dry drunk yet. He is just starting to even admit he has a problem, so there is a VERY LONG ROAD ahead if he even stays on a track of recovery. He has not shown any signs of really taking responsibility for his behavior.

SIGH

Tire and broken-

It does sound like there may be hope. He did go to AA and to IC. It is a long journey but you have to start somewhere.

Maybe he has hit bottom.

njgal480,

Well, it's not over till the gavel drops. haha. I can't allow myself to be too hopeful because it's happened before, but this is a big sign. I thought he was only meeting requirements for the DUI court hearing but he has scheduled two IC sessions per week for the next six weeks and he only needed 4 more sessions. I do think I need to keep as detached as possible (I completely suck at "detaching with love" or the 180) My accomplishment today has been I have not contacted him whatsoever. He called this morning to tell about his IC and meeting and just called again to talk about his work day. (sounded like he had a few though =/) I was nice, but not TOO nice and did not continue the conversation as I normally would have.

All along, I have struggled with divorcing him or "moving on" because I truly felt if he got his drinking under control, these other problems would be easier to manage. I guess time will tell.

To all of you out there dealing with an alcoholic, WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT. When they do their STINKING THINKING, it is so nice to know that others can help us read between the lines!

(hug)

I can relate. I have been married to alcoholic for 24 years. he is now had an affair. says he loves her and can't go no contact. has been trying to do the 180. he's drinking has increased tenfold to the point where he is drunk knightley. I have kicked him out a couple of times and we'd always gotten back together. he is here now but I'm not sure it's what I want .anymore

I can relate. I have been married to alcoholic for 24 years. he is now had an affair. says he loves her and can't go no contact. has been trying to do the 180. he's drinking has increased tenfold to the point where he is drunk knightley. I have kicked him out a couple of times and we'd always gotten together. he is here now but I'm not sure it's what I want .anymore I still love him and would love for it to work out but I'm not sure it's what I want. as with the other alcoholics he's not showing true mowers or to reconciliation yet which I guess I'm not expecting. everyday for my answer to come first drink thank you for listening

I also kicked my fwh out of the house after d-day. I was an emotional wreck and I was 'done'.I started searching out divorce lawyers

in between my screaming phone calls to my husband as I unraveled more and more of the dirty facts of the affair. I also outted the LTA to MOW's BH, her boss, my husband's boss and to a number of co-workers.

I refused to keep any more secrets for him. I had covered for his drinking for 30 yr!-no more.

and..to my surprise he hit bottom-finally.Went to AA and IC. went NC with the OW immediately and never looked back.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 9:25 PM, January 6th (Friday)]

rejectedluv- I feel you and understand exactly what you are talking about... those of us who have lived with an alcoholic for years seem to already be in crisis and when the A happens, it just pushes us over the edge..

NJgal- I hope I am as lucky. I am trying very hard to implement 180 now (finally..) and yesterday he asked if we could "not rush into anything (divorce" so I'm hoping maybe he is starting to hit the bottom. I had thought the affair, the kicking him out, the two arrests (for a man who has NEVER been in trouble) the DUI... I kept wondering where the hell is bottom???? But apparently I have always been laying there cushioning him from it.

*bump*

It's been pointed out that in the case of an alcoholic, the alcohol is the real mistress and affair partners are subsequent to that mistress. It's SO TRUE...SO VERY TRUE...

I'm struggling right now with this question... Even IF WH sobers up...will he stop with the selfish ME FIRST attitude so common among alcoholics? He keeps saying "I'm a Type A personality" as if that is an excuse for him being a pushy, aggressive selfish ass.

Today has been bad for me. I am seriously so tired....

That's what my FWH says. That the alcohol was a very important part of the LTA. Not that he was excusing his behavior with the alcohol but instead he said that because the MOW was also an alcoholic and drinking was a big part of their 'routine'...that the drinking was actually a big attraction of the LTA.

I do not drink, did not approve of his drinking-the OW encouraged it and did not make him feel guilty about it.

You're right about the selfishness of an alcoholic/addict.

That's why I think AA was so important in my FWH's sobriety.

Stopping drinking is not enough. Just like simply stopping the affair is not enough.

There has to be real change in the alcoholic. There has to be introspection and a desire to become a better person, a less selfish person. IC and AA have helped my FWH to make these changes in himself.

Tired-So sorry that you are having a bad day.

(((tired_and_broken)))

If your WH becomes sober then I'd say he has a chance at becoming a better person. That's the nature of becoming sober... changed behavior. Without the changed behavior, he's just dry or not drinking and nothing has really changed.

My xWW once said to her mother if it wasn't the OM it would have been sonmeone else. The OM was an alcoholic and accepting. He didn't care about our kids or what was best for her, only him. xWW said they had a special bond: drank vodka, hid it in water bottles, and the birthdays were days apart. Nor did she care about his family or whether he relapsed. In that aspect their selfishness made them a perfect pair. How could I compete with that??? Wonder why they didn't last...

Alcoholism is their way of life whether they are drinking or not, unless as njgal's WH did and accept responsibility and really work to change their behavior and life.

So, yes your WH can become less selfish and self-centered if he truly is in recovery. You'll know. Just stopping drinking and losing the AP isn't enough.

[This message edited by betrayed1012 at 12:13 PM, February 5th (Sunday)]

I've been married to an alcoholic for 39 years. I wonder why I stay with this self-destructive person for so long. And then I have to answer my own question. They can be so charming at times. Which is just more of the delusional behavior.

I've been reading through this website: http://addictionrecoverybasics.com/why-is-honesty-so-important-in-addiction-recovery/

It has helped me with the constant lying and denying my husband does. It has truly been abusive crazy making for a lifetime. They all lie to themselves first. Very sad and always makes me feel sorry for him which doesn't help either one of us.

This is where I am right now. I have been to Ala-non and AA meetings myself. My husband attending one AA meeting and left saying he didn't belong there. Did I say delusional?

My is a "working alcoholic" which means he is still able to provide for his family. But now that he is older I can really see the wear on him. He has started to take off work earlier and sometimes he doesn't go at all. I know that he was reprimanding for this and I guess this will be the other shoe that is always waiting to drop.

Back in 2008 he stopped drinking because of health issues. During that time he melted down, claimed he had a mid-life crisis, started dating the dry cleaning woman and bought himself a Corvette. Guess it had all the signs of MLC. Personally, I think that he just had to find a substitute for drinking which is his first love. Finally, he came home to once again hook up with his first love Alcohol. And this is where we have been ever since.

Where do I go from here?

(((heart_in_a_blend)))

I am sorry. Alcoholism is a disease that hits the whole family. Sure that you've heard that in Al-Anon. You should know this is not you. Not your fault, not your problem to solve. It's his problem and only he can solve it.

I understand about the lies. You are right in the person they lie to the most is themselves if they are not in recovery, even if they are not drinking. That's what my xWW does. She's dry, but still all her problems are not her's, they are someone else's. Her marriage ended not because she was an alcoholic who was sleeping with another married alcoholic and refused to end it. No, she told the GAL it was because I was so angry. Nothing she did. She lost her job, was terminated. Yet, she took a break from what she was doing according to the GAL report. I imagine your WS has much the same view. No responsibility or ownership of his problems.

The question you have to ask is when is enough. Only you can answer that. You may want to talk it over with IC to sort out your feelings. Stay or go, either way you have to detach from him and his problems. Some alcoholics, like njgal's WS can make the changes in their lives, in their behavior that leads to sobriety. They'll never be cured, but can manage their lives without the crutch of alcohol, adultry, or lies.

Take care of you. That's all you have control over.

[This message edited by betrayed1012 at 11:25 AM, February 8th (Wednesday)]

betrayed: thanks for responding.

I think that I have waited too long in life to ever leave him. Health, financial issues and I'm so emotionally dependant on him I don't feel like I would survive.

But there are many days where I say I don't care what I have to go through that I can't live another day watching him sit all day and drink himself into the "monster" I've become accustomed too.

He struggles but never wins.

Again thank you.

Mistress #1 = ALCOHOL

Mistress #2+= Whoever supports and helps rationalize Mistress #1.

Honestly, you all are amazing people and I'm so sorry for everyone who struggles with an alcoholic spouse. As a byproduct of the disease, we grow accustomed to enabling, and accepting less than we deserve in a loving relationship. I believe this makes it even harder for us in some ways (not trying to trivialize other peoples pain) to stand up for ourselves and end the relationship after an A. For at least 12 of the 24 years I was married, I knew in my heart I deserved better but I also knew he was sick. So now he did the worst... why am I still here? WTH is wrong with me that I would still fight to save a marriage like this???!!! I want him SOBER...not just dry...SOBER... because I know that if he were, we would be amazing together...like we once were.

Sorry I'm rambling... I've been crying all day and just really am at the end of my rope. Yesterday I was served with a summons because they are foreclosing on my home. This is not as alarming to the alcoholic husband, as he lives in his fancy little apartment anyways. I am having a pity party today.

Tired- I am so sorry.

What will you do now? Do you want to try to stay in the house? If that's not possible where will you go?

NJGal- Thanks...I have no clue what I'm going to do. Lost my job in October (related to stress and such re:the A)...WH wants to try to refinance but also is talking D. I can't afford the utilities much less a mtg. on this place so I will have to leave unless we R. I can take care of myself, temporarily living with eldest DD but worry about younger DD19 who isn't ready to be on her own yet but doesn't want to move across the country. This whole thing really stinks.

***bump***

Got the latest back from my alcoholic xWW in prep for our court case to deal with her request to mod visitation. She presented school records showing the children's grades dropped and they had increased tardies and absences after I started caring for them. Stated they did better when she was the "primary caregiver".

While not drinking it's still the same alcoholic thought pattern with her... It's not me that's the problem.

She neglected to mention there were two of us taking care of the children before her alcoholism spiraled out of control and she started going on week long drunks with her "support network", the OM she met in detox. She forgot how much I was taking care of the children; picking them up from school, homework, bathes, & bedtime. Forgot how I took care of them over that summer while she went into several hospitalizations as I tried to get her help for her disease. Seems to have forgot that the turmoil in their lives she caused when she disappeared with the OM on a drunk... she didn't have to comfort them about why hasn't mommy come home or is mommy alright. Her statement is she was the primary caregiver and forgets I was the sole caregiver while she was off with the OM, both on drunks and as they had their A.

Still the alcoholic at heart and that's what scares me. She hasn't worked in almost 2 years, what's going to happen when the money runs out and she has to work again. I don't think she's developed the coping skills that a true recovery would give her. That's why I don't want her to have unsupervised visits. To me she's one bump in the road from a relapse. And what will happen to the children if they are with her alone, without a safety net. Their physical safety and emotional well being is at risk.

I know she just thinks I'm an A$$hole, but she forced me to make the tough choice of supporting my wife or protecting my children and also threw in the ultimate betrayal.

What a long road it has been and it doesn't look like it's going to get any easier anytime soon. At least I hope the sale of the house goes through. I'd rather live under a tarp than under the roof where she was spreading her legs for her alcoholic friend anymore while I was at work or off with the kids for her to attend AA meetings. I've stayed here this long for the kids, so they wouldn't have so much upheaval in their lives. But, it is time for a fresh start.

I hate what alcoholism does to the entire family, not just the alcoholic.

Betrayed1012-

Sending you long distance hugs.

What a tough road.

Of course your priority should be to protect your children.

I suggest that you write a letter to the judge describing everything that has happened and why you believe that your STBXW is not ready for a change in visitation.

I have been re-reading some books on addiction and I find new insights in them all the time: The Addictive Personality by Craig Naaken and Reclaiming Your Family From Addiction by Craig Naaken. The second book has examples of how addiction affects children.

Are your kids in counseling?