SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mlisa-

People can be so cruel and selfish.I'm sorry that your WH did not choose to fight for his family.

Try to do something nice for yourself and your children on Thanksgiving Day.

(((mlisa)))

You deserve better. Mine has turned from the alcohol and to religion, studying to be a pastor? But no remorse to us, no relationship with his kids....

Njga is right. Do something nice for yourself and your kids.

(((Mlisa88)))

left to deal with the pain while they never suffer a consequence for the poor choices they have made.

Sorry you are going through this. Your WH chose an OW from AA over your family. My xWW chose an OM from the detox over us. Hurts like hell. No remorse, no amends, no nothing but shifting the blame to anything except where it lies... themselves. My xWW has decided she is the better parent and drug me into court. She lost that and appealed, so another court date will be set soon I guess. Sucks to be us left to deal with the carnage their addiction has created. While they live in a fantasy world they have imagined so they don't have to deal with the painful truth. I guess it is the only way they can live with themselves.

[This message edited by betrayed1012 at 6:10 AM, November 24th (Thursday)]

Thank you for *listening*, everyone. I posted about his fall from the wagon at 7:30 this morning and I was upset because I knew he drank yesterday but I hadn't said anything about it. I came home after working for a friend from 9 to 5 and it was obvious from the smell and his demeanor that he had drank.

Part of our R from the A and the drinking is honesty and he had promised to be upfront and tell me if he "slipped" so I was upset because he not only didn't say anything about it last night, but he also lied to our daughter when she said he smelled like beer when she got home before me at 4.

BUT, right after I made my post, he confessed to me that he had drank yesterday. I know it may not seem like much but this is HUGE for us. He always lies and denies then when he realizes that he is truly busted, he promises to tell the truth in the future but always lies again. This time HE TOLD ME! You have no idea what a difference this made for me today. His tiny step towards honesty felt like a big leap in my faith in him.

He spent the day helping me with food prep for tomorrow, went on my errands to the post office and bank and stayed sober. I trust he will stay sober tomorrow as well. He has no alcohol and will have no access to it.

Seriously, the relief I felt at his confession was such a huge weight off my shoulders.

Mlisa- I'm so sorry that your WH made the choice to be with another ow from the AA program. That is such a recipe for disaster. ((hugs))

(((IslandToby)))

Best wishes for a new start on Thanksgiving. Wouldn't that be something to be thankful for? Hopefully your WS will continue to be honest with you, for without honesty what do you have?

Take care and Happy Thankgiving!

[This message edited by betrayed1012 at 10:00 AM, November 24th (Thursday)]

Island Toby- I understand how huge that is! Lying is such a huge part of toxic addictive behavior.... lying to others, lying to themselves, etc.

Being honest and open about everything is very important to reconciliation.

Make sure you let him know how much you appreciate his honesty and how much it will help your ability to R.

Mlisa and Betrayed- I wonder if part of the reason for running away from the marriage is an attempt to escape themselves... or at least the constant reminder of who they were, how toxic they were, how selfish, cruel, unkind etc.

Its easier to run away and start over with someone else who does not know the 'old' self.

My husband has said that it was extremely painful to look at me post d-day and realize that he was the cause of all of my pain. He finally could see things clearly after he got sober and realized how awful his behavior had been both during the LTA and for all the years of our marriage when he was an active alcoholic/addict etc.

Also facing all of our family and friends post d-day and knowing that they knew...and were watching him and judging him etc.

I do believe that it takes a lot of courage and conviction to do that.

It probably would be easier to run away and avoid all of those situations. Not have to face the judgement etc.

But, having said all of that I want to say that at almost 5 yrs post d-day the vast majority of the family members and friends that were aware of what had happened are now extremely supportive of our reconciliation and of my husband's attempt to change and become a new person.

So, for those that are trying to R with a remorseful spouse....with time... as the WS proves themselves to be honest, open, comitted to saving the marriage and changing their lives...others will notice this change and be supportive.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 5:46 PM, November 24th (Thursday)]

njgal480,

My xWW found it easier to rewrite history and run from what she did than to deal with it. So, while not drinking at the present I feel she is not sober only dry. She still is the alcoholic that pushes out all the blame and responsibility to someone or something else. She hasn't dealt withher issues that led to her drinking or the A. The OM, a fellow alcoholic she met at detox, also turned on his spouse. Their spouses who took them to the psych hospital to get them help suddenly became "unsupportive". And, their marriages had been over for a long time. Yet, I was her soulmate as she described me to her mother the weekend before I took her to detox. Amazing how they justify what they have done or are doing.

I feel my xWW can't admit she's made a mistake. When taking to the GAL she never mentioned how her alcoholism affected her children other than they were in therapy. She barely acknowledged that her alcoholism had an impact on the marriage and never mentioned the relationship with the fellow alcoholic. The GAL wrote that my xWW thinks that now she is not drinking everything is fine. Not drinking is the start of her journey to soberiety, not the end. I feel without dealing with her problems, it is a matter of when, not if she starts drinking again. She has shown nothing in the way of demonstrating responsibility; no job and no remorse.

You are right in how hard it must be to admit the things you've done wrong, to admit and accept the pain you've cause so many people that loved you. It's much easier to lie to yourself and anyone else who will listen that you've done nothing wrong. Much easier than dealing with your flaws and the problems its caused.

njgal480, your WS has demonstrated a great deal of courage as do al WS's that truly accept responsibility and work on themselves and correcting the problems they've caused. That show true remorse for what they've done.

I wish you and IslandToby the best on things continuing down the right path. Without the honesty your WS's have demonstrated, as painful it was for them, what do you have? No relationship with an alcoholic, addict, or anyone can survive without honesty and trust. No amount of love can overcome constant lies and not being able to trust your spouse.

Today would have been my wedding anniversary. Feeling a little blah. I had no idea things would turn out this way. I had no idea he would become an alcoholic and break our vows.

Of course this is the 2nd month he's late on his payment. My IC thinks this is a red flag so I'll probably have to contact him although that is the last thing I want to do.

(((Why??)))

I'm so sorry.

Thanks, Betrayed1012 - I'm doing better today. Some days can really remind you of everything. At least the check arrived so I won't have to e-mail XAWH - NC of any sort is the best remedy for me.

Hope you are hanging in there with the co-parenting with XAWW.

[This message edited by Why?? at 5:49 PM, December 1st (Thursday)]

I'm glad you're feeling better, Why. I realized the other night that our 20th anniversary is coming up at the end of December. While it is such a milestone, I can't help but feel bittersweet about it. This man that I loved SO much, that I married and thought was such a good man to take on a single mom of 2 boys, raise those boys as his own and I had 2 more kids with- it feels like a lie in some ways. ugh, I don't know.

Thanks, Island Toby

I'm sorry you are also facing an anniversary which often reminds of us how how things were in the beginning before they had progressed in the disease.

Take care of yourself and your children. I hope your WH finds sobriety.

My WH is also an alchoholic as I define it. He used to drink just on the weekends but now it's progressed to every day from when he gets home to when he goes to bed. And on the weekends from noon to bedtime. I'm sure he says it's the stress of being in an unhappy marriage. I think it's the guilt he feels over his affair that's kicked his drinking into overdrive.

I think WH has used work, alcohol and women (sometimes all 3 at the same time) to escape the big gaping hole of nothingness he feels inside. And the more he engages in that behavior, the worse he feels about himself since all 3 cause him to lie, betray or neglect those who love him. Self-esteem and self love drop, self-medicating and escapism behavior escalate which means it's just becomes one vicious circle of regret and repeating.

pinkribbon-You pretty much nailed it. That is the cycle. They try to self medicate with their addictionc/compulsions etc. and only end up feeling worse about themselves and then they need to act out again in the hopes that they'll feel better.

Alcoholics are not happy people but then add infidelity into the mix and they become really unhappy.

I used to call my husband the troll on the couch during the LTA years. I didn't know he was having an affair but I did see his drinking get worse-every day after work, all night in front of the TV until he passed out on the couch, he was nasty, grouchy, unpleasant to be around, detached from me and our children-definitely not happy.

I never knew those behaviors were signs of an affair. Now I do.

I also never knew that alcoholics almost always end up having an affair-usually with a female drinking buddy.

Now I know that too.

What are you planning to do now? Is he NC with the OW?

Is the affair over? Is he remorseful? does he want to stay married?

If so..then you have some leverage- you can make demands in order to consider reconciling with him after the affair.

#1 demand after NC should be attending AA.

Going to IC and AA has truly changed my husband for the better.

(((pinkribbon)))

Sorry you are enduring the pain of his problem. Alcoholism is a disease that affects the whole family, not just the one with the disease.

I'm sure he says it's the stress of being in an unhappy marriage

I'm sure my alcoholic xWW says that too. It is always their job, their marriage, the phase of the moon... anything but the real problem that caused them to drink. It is always easier to place the blame elsewhere than face the reality of they are the problem.

Take care of yourself. that's all you have control over.

A sad reminder of how serious this awful disease is. One of my parent's neighbor's daughter was married to an A. She divorced him and he remarried. Then 2nd wife divorced him. He lost his job due to drinking. Got a DUI, went to jail and then when he got out he shot himself. Really awful. I cried a bit and thought of my xAWH and hoped he doesn't end up that way. Sadly, there are only 3 outcomes:

1) recovery/sobriety

2) jail

3) death

Hope the new year brings more of #1 to all the As and their friends and family.

[This message edited by Why?? at 3:02 PM, December 31st (Saturday)]

Does anyone feel this way?

I feel like I suffered from my WH's alcoholism for so long but loved him unconditionally.

Now he has had an A, put me through a year of LIVING HELL, got a DUI etc.. Now, SUDDENLY, he decides he is going to divorce me because of course this is all MY FAULT (sound familiar) but here's the kicker...

NOW he is going to finally give in and go to AA... NOW he decides to do something about the problem.

I feel SO CHEATED that the OW or the NEXT girl will get the sober wonderful man I was supposed to be married to...it just seems so unfair to me I can't bear it... does anyone else feel this way?

Tired and broken-

So sorry that your WH continues to cause you so much pain.

Is there definitely no chance of reconciling?

Do you think his wanting a divorce is because he's still in the A with the OW?

or...do you think it could be his way of avoiding facing you and your children? and doing the hard work of reconciling?

Alcoholics always run away from problems....so his reaction could be due to that.

I understand the irony of what you are talking about.

But, maybe you could try to look at his sobriety as a good thing for your children....

at least if he has finally hit bottom and goes to AA and gets the help and support he needs-he may become the kind of father he should have been for all these years?

njgal480,

It's funny you ask... today he actually attended a meeting and then went to IC...Called me afterwards very optimistic about ridding himself of this poison and pulling his life together. He said, "There's no need for us to rush into anything (divorce)" so he has changed his mind since yesterday. I think you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT and he is running away from doing the hard work and facing us. He has said over and over the "Can we ever just put it behind us and move on?" *sigh* thanks for pointing that out though. When i'm in the thick of it, I usually believe what he SAYS and I know that is foolish. haha

((tiredandbroken))

I totally get you. I feel that same way.

However then I remind myself that there's no guarantee that he will remain sober especially if he doesn't change his ways of thinking. My Ex used to go to AA and drink! He also used AA as a cover for meeting the OW.

I am still to blame for his drinking, affair, etc even though I too stood by him for years through many lost jobs, DUI, sober times and relapses.

Sometimes I think just maybe this is for real this time?

Do you have it left in you to go back to the old way of life? Does he show you he is changing (like taking responsibility for his behavior?) Or is he becoming a dry drunk?

Hang in there.