SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sparkle - hope everything works out okay for you!

and

I completely understand the worry about fwH having some kind of feelings for OW. But in our case, I know it is possible for fwH to hate and have negative feelings about her. He came out of The Fog and woke up to the fact that she is a nasty, selfish manipulator (among many other things).

This exactly. I've said this before but OW is so good at crying and playing the victim role. But..when you actually piece her stories together nothing fits. She lies so much I wonder if she even knows what the truth is. She's a lying, manipulative, vindictive, spiteful bitch. But, we'll soon not have to worry about her (court case was pushed up to next week!) and can move on with our lives. Whether this means R or not...at least she'll be gone.

I’m so angry right now. EVEN THOUGH she lapsed in filing her paperwork they still allowed it (so I celebrated to soon). They upped the court date to yesterday. She arrived with her friend. I arrived with my H. Everything was fine. Until my H and OW had to stand before the judge. She said, “He was supporting my son, and seeing him every day for over 6 months” and, “it wasn’t until I went to his spouse’s house that he stopped seeing my son” and “you’re honour, I don’t only want financial support, I want my son to have a father (as she got choked up) he loved my son, I don’t know what happened, we even toyed with giving him his proper last name” the judge softened and felt sorry for this ho, so she continued “his spouse said she and her children will have nothing to do with my son, it’s unfair your honour”. My husband LOST IT “YOUR HONOUR SHE’S LYING, NONE OF THAT’S TRUE, SHE’S A GOLD DIGGER LOOKING FOR A PAYDAY” then he started talk (rather rudely) right to the OW and made himself look stupid and crazy. The judge ordered him to “stop talking to the applicant and talk to me” and he didn’t she pushed every button her lying ass could and he fell for it hook line and sinker. The judge ordered a proper DNA because my husband refused to say the words “yes, I’m the father.” What a fucking idiot. Now he has to PAY to prove something he already knows. It was a train wreck. She played the victim act and won. He looked ridiculous and lost. Well, support hasn’t been decided and he’s on disability so even if she get’s anything it won’t be much. But still, the judge was not feeling sorry for him. He did not explain all the bullshit she’s pulled and even if he did, the judge should have told them that past BS is irrelevant, we’re here to discuss financial matters. I don’t know if there’s an appeal or a motion he can file requesting no DNA test as he's not disputing paternity.

And to be straight, my kids were TRAMAUTIZED after the stunt she pulled so yes, I did say that. BUT I also told her, if my children want a relationship with her son, it’s up to their father to facilitate, not her. I’m too tired for this and don’t think I can handle it. I’m done.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:11 AM, November 14th, 2013 (Thursday)]

((strongerbyday))

I don't have words for this. I am so very, very sorry.

My H and I were just talking last night about what we will do when OC is born (December/January). We haven't made a decision on to what degree we will be involved, although it seems that neither of us can imagine complete NC. In an ideal world, with all adults behaving honorably and truthfully, it looks like it should work 'on paper' for some kind of shared custody/visitation. But I am realizing these are HUUUUUUGE assumptions to make. OW cannot be expected to behave honorably or truthfully. I am terrified of having visitation, sending OC back to OW, and getting a call from CFS saying we have been accused of abusing OC, or whatever. "OC has a very bad rash that wasn't there before he went to WH's house". "BW is undermining my relationship with my child". "WH/BW's children are mean to OC". A million possible lies and fabrications.

If you could go back - give me any advice - what can I do?? I don't want to lose my marriage to this. We are doing so very well - but I don't know how to move forward from here if paternity tests come back that WH is the babydaddy. You are living my nightmare. My heart breaks for you.

Stronger by the day,

I am so sorry the hearing went the way it did. I do not have any concrete advise just wanted to say that I feel for you and your children. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Plainpain,

I completely understand your thought process. I am a person who wants to fix things and clean up things. Usually I would just jump in to make things move and try to make thing comfortable for everyone else. I just decided to make different choices. I am now at the top of my list. The only person before me on that list is God. Husband, his OC are dead last. Harsh but I think I have to value myself more and worry alot less about how everyone else feels all the time. I worry about all kinds of make believe situations and have to remind myself not to waste time on them. I focus on what I can control. I have printed out all the conversation on facebook between H and OW. I am also going to keep a journal for not only my children but OC as well. If she ever comes looking for them I want them all to know the truth. So far I am the only one being honest so it will have to come from me.

Kids have lots of questions.

My DD(10yo) asked about the situation again the other day in the car. She asked how old she was and a few other questions. I told her the OC name, age, and birthday. I then asked if she had changed her mind and wanted to see OC. Her response was "she is 2 and terrible that isn't going to be fun". She then said...to have a baby don't people have to have sex. I said yes. She said.."so dad had sex with another lady". Again I confirmed this information. She then said "ok" and went back to drawing. All I thought was I will have the same conversation later with my DD who is now 3.

All I have to say is this sucks. At least 10DD made me laugh with her terrible two comment. Still just trying to figure all this out and do not have an real answers.

OW cannot be expected to behave honorably or truthfully.

This. My H HATES the OW. Hence the outburst at court. However, my advice? Do whatever makes your marriage work. My H has gone no contact (BUT, this is easier for him because this child is 8 and he only met/knew of him this year).

My advice? Stand by H's side, so OW has no idea whether ur marriage is shakey. My anger is reserved for H, my IC and of course, SI. I held his hand through the whole thing. But I'm not going to lie. It's a nightmare and it's tough. Like you said, on paper it looks like it can work. But accepting even the idea of an OC is hard. Your pain will get worse once OC is here and a reality. Deal with your pain. Don't try to hide or put on a brave face (I tried and dissolved in a mess of tears while driving and listening to Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball"). Seek IC or MC to deal with this. As for the lies she might tell CFSA - they see spiteful shit all the time and can usually decipher bullshit from the truth. And if she tell's lies, it's in her nature, she's a lying whore. So don't be surprised either. All you can do is put up a strong front - don't let her see you nervous, angry or upset. If your OW is anything like mine, they eat that shit up.

STORM - thanks for the prayers. this situation is in God's hands and prayer is all H and I have.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:50 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

Thank you both for your words of advice and encouragement. I feel like I have spent the greater part of my marriage doing 'damage control', rug sweeping, fixing, all of that. I can't fix this. I clearly have reason to doubt my H's judgement. OW clearly is only out for her own self-interests. I am wrecked in a quiet kind of way right now. I had a dream shortly before my H confessed everything to me - I was standing in the middle of a circle of 7' tall angels wearing riot gear. They were there for me, surrounding and protecting me. My H reminded me of that dream yesterday - I had forgotten it.

And I, too, go over every possible scenario in my mind. I imagine conversations, I imagine 3:00 in the morning emergency phone calls to go see OC in the hospital, I imagine my children thinking OW is more beautiful than me and wishing she was their mother. And then I get so filled with anger that THIS is my life, when all I did was keep my vows. How is it that SHE gets the blessing of a child, and I get devastation upon devastation, and endless humiliation? There's no 'fair' in 'affair'.

I am right now trying to do what is best for me, for my marriage and for my children - the order of that seems to switch from day to day. My H and I agreed last night that our children would be devastated to think that they had a sibling out there, and that their father chose to abandon it. Knowing who they are, it would be traumatic for them and I think psychologically damaging. But maybe not. Maybe they would love me enough to try to understand. Maybe they would accept it if we just said, 'When OC is old enough to make that decision, we will welcome him/her with open arms. But we cannot have OW in our life if we want to have a healthy family.' I don't know. If I thought we could have full custody, I would take that. If she died, I would take that baby and embrace it. Every single one of my children has made a comment over the last month about wanting another sibling. It cuts like a razor across my heart, but I know they would be happy to have a sibling. And then I just feel like, 'How did I get to be on the outside of this family?' Their dad and they have another blood relative - someone that is a part of them. OW is as connected to my children now, as I am to hers. When I think like that, I just want to die... and from creeping her facebook, I know that she is perfectly giddy about the whole thing.

My H was abandoned by his birth father, and he subsequently grew up in the abusive shit storm that was his family. I think that's all coming to his mind now, too.

Anyway, I guess it's just another one of those famous bridges that can't be crossed until I get to it. Maybe it's not even his baby. Maybe she'll get hit by a car on the way to the hospital. Maybe one of my prayers will be answered with a 'yes'.

Plainpain,

I hope beyond hope that it is not his! I would not wish this mess on my worst enemy. I think NC would be harder if my eldest wanted to see the child and wanted more siblings. She has said No Thank you to all of that. She is the only 10 yo girl I know who does not like babies or toddlers. She only likes her younger sister. The rest she could care less about. When other girls say what a cute baby her reaction is ...yeah...I guess so....lol I let her know that if she changes her mind and wants to see the OC it is ok with me and not to worry about hurting my feelings or upsetting me. Secretly I am happy she does not want to as I sure a hell don't want to.

It makes me sad that OW had a baby while I had a miscarriage. I will always wonder if they gave me something that killed my child because I didn't know I was the only one being faithful. I think about having another child sometimes....as I don't want this to be my family last experience with adding another member to it. A child should be welcomed into the world and not some little dirty secret. I was thinking about adding one more child to our family before this happened. Now when I think about it I feel like a crazy person asking for additional punishment and emotional torture.

It cracks me up that they pretend to be the victims here. I pray daily not to put her picture and text messages on that Shes A Homewrecker Website. I do my evil laugh when I think about it and picture all the devastation it would cause her. Blow that church girl image right out the water. I won't do it though...Karma will finds its way to her in its own time.

Storm, I'm so sorry you had a miscarriage. This is all so unbelievable, the pain that we have to go through. I really admire your strength and your generosity. Thank you for your wisdom - I have had to go back and re-read some things, and remind myself that I am not Mother Theresa, savior of the cast off and unloved. I have my own children to take care of, and part of their well-being means having a mother who is not suicidal. I just don't see how I can have OC in our life at all. I did NOT choose this. If my H chooses to have contact with OC, it will feel like another betrayal. I signed up for a family - THIS family. I did not give him permission to add to it. But if I have to demand NC, he will probably resent me for it. I don't want to give him ultimatums... but I think I have found my 'break point'.

What do you think it means, that she has blocked me from finding her on FB? She even changed her name. We are in NC with her, but I told her that I would find her on FB after the baby's due date to get a paternity test done, and that we would get a lawyer to work out custody and/or child support. So why would she block me, and then post the ultrasound as her profile pic? I'm not sure what she thinks she has to hide.

Plainpain,

Thanks for your kind words. I can say I am only strong because once I found SI I could see I was not alone and that whatever happened I would be ok. hated crying all the time vs my motta that if this would be funny in 5 years go ahead a and laugh now. My kids missed my laughter most of all. I have even cracked a few on my husband and his "babymama". I laughed my butt off that he has a babymama. He hates this term and all that it says about both people. I felt it accurately described exactly who they both are and what they did.

As to facebook lets hope OW blocked you because it is not your husband's child! There may be lots of reason she blocked. She may be freaked out that you know. Perhaps the fact that you are checking out her story is making what she did real. Even more so than the child she is carrying. I don't know if you ever met this woman but she may be afraid of you. My WH says other woman is afraid of me(she should be!) We have met one time after their affair and she had a attitude..with me. You would not be the first or the last BS to open a can of you know what on AP. I am not a violent person but it be dishonest of me not to admit that I have had those feeling towards her. In your case OW may also be afraid that you could post what she has done on her page for all her family and friends to read. You have no idea what she has told people about this whole situation. Only one of their mutual friends knows about this. It is a man. Their female friends would lose it and probably beat her up over this. People even close friends and family have strong feelings about infidelity, especially the OW. I would not focus to much on why she blocked you. Could be any reason.

As to demanding NC I told WH he could whatever he wanted. I said at this time any contact you have with OC and OW is not helping our marriage but it is up to you. OW asked for coat and clothes. My H then wanted to going "shopping" for the girls. To say I was pissed is a understatement. He can get his OC stuff on his own time, not when we have to explain..why do we have 3 coats and the smallest is not for DD3? At some point he realized this and got it later. WH and I are not in the best place right now. I asked if they were all friendly because he feared what she could do financially? He did not answer just rolled his eyes. He is still in stupid pity party mode. I will be a united force with H in front of OW but I just do not know where this is going. He has a lot and I mean a lot more work to do. He has not proved that I and this family come first. Between me and the OW I can do a lot more damage. I think he assumes I would never be so mean. He keeps walking about the house saying I am a angel...well the devil was once a angel so he and OW may want to watch out. I just keep praying for my little family and for everyone else going through this. I try to live each day so my girls will be proud of me and that I show them how to be a real woman and not some broken thing that people can use and abuse.

Lots to catch up on!

stronger~ I am so sorry to hear how the hearing went *hugs* After what you were told about how she had a specific time limit for the paperwork, they should not have put it through. It sucks so bad when the courts seem to bend the rules and favor OW. I wish I could tell you that your fwH could fight against the court-ordered DNA test, and it might be worth a try, but most times the courts don't like to acknowledge personal paternity tests. However (despite OWs sob-story), no one can force your fwH to have contact, especially not a support officer/judge. OW should have been shushed the moment she started in with that. *smh*

To all~ if you haven't read the OC handbook on here, I suggest you do....lots of helpful tips for the most common thoughts and questions in OC situations, whether you choose C or NC. I can share my experiences with having C~ definitely be prepared for antics from the OW. One of the best rules of thumbs is to document. Any e-mails, messages, calls etc. Have as much evidence as possible at the ready in case things do go south. That way, if OW does come forward with accusations, you have evidence to prove your case.

I, too, found that OW had blocked me from her Facebook....because we have several mutual friends, and one of my closest friends told me that OW runs her mouth about H and I on her page. So, of course, she doesn't want me to see that and post any comments that would go against her version of things. So I did post our story on the SAH site.

I am catching up on everyone's stories, and I have to say I am so sorry stronger, storm, and plainpain, for everything that you are going through.

As far as:

no one can force your fwH to have contact, especially not a support officer/judge. OW should have been shushed the moment she started in with that.

She DEFINITELY should have been shushed. It's an outrage that she didn't! When my FWH's OW/babymama started in on that shit during a CS hearing (conducted over the phone), she was immediately told to stop, as FWH's lack of visitation had been noted (you get a credit for having overnights) and anything else had NO bearing on the case. It is nothing but a ploy for sympathy.

I'm also really for you, storm, and the way your husband is behaving. Totally unfair to you, but I am glad that you realize that he is not doing what he needs to be doing to prove that you come first. So many people make excuses for their spouse.

We got a letter from our attorney recently letting us know that the state's paperwork filing fee had increased, and that she had written a personal check to cover the increase when she filed the adoption paperwork, and would we please send her a check to reimburse her?

That was like, 2 weeks ago. I saw the check my FWH still tacked to the "to do" board today and I was pissed (he reminded me that we were out of stamps, but come on, go buy some!). I asked him "Is there some part of you that subconsciously DOESN'T want this adoption to happen?"

He did not say a word or even change out of his pajamas (very, VERY unlike him, he never leaves the house in nightclothes). He got his shoes on, went to the store, bought stamps, came home, addressed the letter, told me he loved me and that he was leaving to the Post Office in hopes it would get to the attorney more quickly.

I am secretly please, because that is what I think a remorseful WS looks like. He found out him not sending the check was hurting me, and he sent the damned check.

I've had no more contact from OW, thank goodness. No Facebook messages or anything. Talk about triggers, logging on to Facebook and seeing a message from her:

So today I spoke to OW.

My H called her from Old Navy. She didn't answer but called him right back. I answered the phone as OC needs a coat. Still needs a coat and it is Nov in Chicago. Both OW and H are dumb..dumb.dumb. I asked if this is OW she said yes and I said this is H' wife. She then sounded frazzled. I asked what size coat her child wore as we were in the store. I then asked if she child was true to size. She could not answer and said I think you are breaking up. (Sure we are breaking up..lol) She then said I don't know why H had you call. I let her know that her know that he did not but I am the one who does all the shopping. She tried to get a attitude but I just kept on talking. I then asked if the cloths from Target fit or if theyif they were too big or too small. She then said she was small as she weighs 26 pounds. OW said she just gets cloths from Burlington and to just give her a gift receipt. She still had a attitude so I asked her why? She said she did not have a attitude. I said if that the case then we will just move on and said what was child’s favourite color. She said purple. I asked where she wanted the clothes dropped off she said wherever. I asked if H knew where she lived and she replied that H did know where she lived. I just said ok and got off the phone. How did I do?

I have documented this conversation here and one other place for my own protection. OW then sent a text asking for money. I feel like she gets one or the other not both. I do not think we should give her money as she can say that is what we can give as H has not received the order for the amount CS as this time and we are on a tight budget as it is.

What is absolutely crazy is this conversation made me feel better. Why I do not know! I just thought these two are the world’s biggest dumbass. He is the left cheek, she is the right cheek. Lol What I do know is that I am a special person, not because I could talk to her calmly but just for who I am. Being a BS hurts like nothing else I can describe. You wonder what is wrong with you…if your butt is to big… too small… basically what you can change about yourself that would have made things different.

What could you have done that would have made your spouse not betray you. I realized today that it wasn’t anything I did or did not do. When I meet H he was a wonderful, honest, person who had the same dreams and for family that I did. He was my mirror. That person is gone. Completely gone! When they had their AP/ONS he was a mess. Drunk….upset that his mother had passed away and he missed her. I did everything I could to support and nurture him, but I was not enough. I see now that they were and possibly are each other’s mirror. I know that he sure as hell isn’t mine anymore. This helped me see that. I do not know if we can be H and W anymore. I want someone who is worthy of my love. Someone who will stay in the ring with me and fight for our marriage, not someone who looks to others to put a band aid on things and goes to find someone else who will make them feel good for the moment.

THAT IS WHAT I WANT AND NEED!

I'm so sorry, Storm. It doesn't sound like he is pulling his weight in your reconciliation, and that's a shame. But I know exactly how it feels to be the one to have contact with OW regarding OC, it feels like being the only adult, and rising above the situation, and damn, it feels good.

However, in the future, I would not call her on her "attitude". Just ignore it, as if her and her pettiness are beneath you (because let's face it, she is).

Also, I am sorry I don't remember, but how old is OC?

Want2help,

OC just turned 2. I have been laughing at OW and H all night. She sent him 4 messages today on his facebook. I think they deserve one another. If not for my kids I am pretty sure I would be done. My DD ten was looking at H like he was crazy today. She figured out who why we were looking at coats today. She then laughed at her dad and was like..well duh...of course she needs a coat. We didn't even get a coat because it was too much for H to pick one out.

As to OW I do not think I will be talking to her again. One time was more than enough and let me know exactly what I needed. I am just going to keep looking for work and praying for the strength to endure until I can move on. My pastor said the very same people who throw stones in an attempt to hurt you have provided you with the very weapons to defend yourself. That pretty much sums everything up right now. I finally spoke with a lawyer and got some advice. The good thing is there isn't any rush for me to do anything. Illinois is a at fault state you if I want to divorcee I have legal grounds to get everything I want. I am not stupid like OW is...what dummy files for CS from a man who isn't working and gets unemployment benefits. I will just wait until he has a good job and if he has not shaped up by then..well I will get exactly what I and my children deserve. If they were both smart(at this point I seriously doubt they are)they would be a lot nicer to me.

storm~ Just by being able to speak to OW without screaming obscenities at her (which would be more than understandable on your part), you did good The OW in my case did and does the same things~ copping attitude and saying she doesn't want to speak to me, just my H. I really hope your H will not give in to her request for money right now. Years ago (before I joined this site), H and I used to buy things for OC, and OW said she would submit the receipts to the court. She didn't, and turned around lashing out at us about "why should what you get for him count towards support?". So, not only did we get those things, H STILL had to pay more than $1000 just for retroactive support.

I understand the feelings you described wondering what you could have done different so that he wouldn't have betrayed you. Reading the articles and other forums and threads here helped me to understand that my H's betrayal was not my fault. Even if there were things about me and our marriage that H would have liked to change, it was still his choice to lie and cheat instead of being honest.

There are also articles and WSs here that can explain to you about The Fog and going 180. Whatever happens, I wish you all happiness *hugs*

Wow, I can't believe the kind of courage it must take to have those kinds of conversations with OW! Letting you do the shopping for a coat for her child? Does she have no dignity? No shame? Apparently not.

Here's what I've been wondering about... does OW ever try to get WH to come back to her? I mean, I'm guessing that's a big 'yes' in the beginning. But what about four/five years down the road? Is the standing in the doorway at drop off/pick up time in her underwear, trying to seduce him again?

does OW ever try to get WH to come back to her?

Not the one that we deal with. She lives with her boyfriend and she wants to marry him. She was also married twice since the time of the A. I think the main reason she still tries to speak with my H is to try to get a reaction out of us, and she's mad that we didn't get divorced like she did.

I'm so tired of preparing for this hearing next month, it's been giving me bad migraines. I really hope that the judge will rule in our favor. The evidence is there, it seems like we have a solid case, but I've learned not to put any faith into the "family" court system...at least not in this state.

Plainpain,

I think OW had a dream that he would leave me for her. Her text to him seem to follow that vain. Friday she wrote "I need your help with something, I am at my moms house call me?" Really! H did not respond. I need to get some spyware for all the electronic devices so I can watch everything.

Sparkle,

I wish you all the luck with your hearing. I am saying a prayer for you.

Sparkle - sending you lots of luck for next month - someone in this thread deserves good news!

Want - I agree - she should have been shushed the judge softened and started to side with her (I could tell) she said, "This is very sad for your son and you." I don't think the judge even read the case history notes - and if she did then she's a bitch. How's it hard for OW? All OW had to do to stay out of this situation was remain faithful to her own H.

AND>> What about the 3 lives (my kids) she turned upside down by showing up at my door? What about my oldest who cries to me that she's confused and doesn't understand why or how this could happen?????

It cracks me up that they pretend to be the victims here. I pray daily not to put her picture and text messages on that Shes A Homewrecker Website.

Me too storm, me too

I've learned not to put any faith into the "family" court system...at least not in this state.

Sparkle I feel the same way - and it's not just in your state I think family court is FUCKED regardless of where you live.

My FWH keeps begging me to stay - I don't know if I can. I love him so much, but I'm still angry and hurt and have crying jags. How can he have a child with another? How did he add to our family without my permission - now he has a child and my children have a sibling I have no connection to... he's fine with remaining NC, but it doesn't make the child's existence less real. I'm torn and depressed...Is there really a light at the end of tunnel?

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:21 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

My FWH keeps begging me to stay - I don't know if I can. I love him so much, but I'm still angry and hurt and have crying jags. How can he have a child with another? How did he add to our family without my permission - now he has a child and my children have a sibling I have no connection to... he's fine with remaining NC, but it doesn't make the child's existence less real. I'm torn and depressed...Is there really a light at the end of tunnel?

That is EXACTLY how I feel. I am soooooo angry sometimes. I just want to scream out, 'Why???? What did I do, except love you?' Having to live with the gossip, the humiliation, the 'she didn't know how to take care of her husband', is bad enough. Having to discover that I married a stranger, that my entire marriage has been a lie, that the last 18 years of my life have been a waste of my youth, is bad enough. My whole entire future has been altered, and the lives of my children - we had a family, and he made a new one that doesn't include me. I will never, ever, ever feel safe or secure again.

The thought of Father's Day makes me want to vomit. Whenever my H talks about our kids, he says, 'My babies'... and now whenever he says that I just wince. Which 'babies' is he talking about? Is he including OC in that?

We love each other, and I know we could have a complete R and a happy marriage - but I honestly don't know if I can live with the fact that he had a child with another woman. In the end,it might actually be a deal-breaker.

Sparkle - sending you lots of luck for next month - someone in this thread deserves good news!

I agree!