SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Plainpain,

I am so sorry and I understand. I was home taking care of his other children while he was doing this. Focus on something, anything else. I went for a long walk that turned into a crazy run(I have not jogged in months). Cleared my mind as all I could think of was my burning thighs. I have had many days thinking I can not take this...but I am still standing and even at this early stage know I am stronger than even I thought. Only you know when you are done.

I don't think of OC on my family tree. Not my family. She has her own family on her mothers side and OC isn't anything to me but a bill. My children's half sisters. I have half sisters on both sides and the ones I think of as family are the ones I saw everyday, the ones who beat up a bully for me, the ones who opened X-mas presents with me. Those are the people I list on my family tree and as my next of kin. Family is not just genes, family is shared experience and who sticks with you through thick and thin. The people who love you through it all. Furthermore anyone looking at a family tree will go...Ohhhhhhhh...that's not good..or wtf. Everyone will know what they did. Just think 100 years from now someone will know OW is whore and H is a cheater. That is what any family tree will really say.

And the battle wages on....we've had a hell of a past week here.

Before the harassment hearing, fwH said that OW could contact through e-mail using a set of guidelines~ keeping messages civil and strictly for the sake of matters relating to OC. I posted about how, in October, she bickered with fwH about how she refused to allow a slight deviation from regular pick-up time because we had a conflict. I also posted about how OC had recently stolen one of our children's games and took it back to that house.

Well the second visit OC had last month, he announces late that Saturday morning that he has "found" $5. fwH gets OC Friday at 6PM. After OC leaves, we notice that we are missing money. So fwH e-mails OW asking if OC had been sent with money, and she said she would never do that. When fwH said that there was a possibility that OC took it from us, she said that he had found it in his pocket, that it was left there from earlier in the week when she had given him money. Then she said, "This subject is closed as far as we're concerned". fwH replied that if OC took it, he should understand that stealing is wrong, but to avoid the issue in the future we would simply keep any cash on hand tucked away. He figured that was the end of it.

Nov. 29th the both of us go to pick up OC for the Thanksgiving visitation. After fwH knocked, there was no answer at first. OW then opens the door with her hand on OC's shoulder and starts in, "NOW, for the LAST time,DID you or did you NOT take money from your FATHER'S house?!?" and OC yells, "I DID NOT!". OW bites out, "There, are we done?!" fwH wouldn't say a word. I said, "There's no need to make a scene", because I think that was a totally inappropriate way to address the situation, in front of OC. She slit her eyes and snapped, "It's MY house, I can make a scene if I want to."

I was starting to wonder if we were going to have to make a report because she wasn't letting OC go, and continued, "Ok? We're done? No more threatening emails?" (after she had sent that last e-mail, fwH said that he didn't want her to contact by email anymore). So I said, "no emails", and she hissed at me, "I'm not TALKING to you!" I said, "Well I am talking to you", which she blew off by talking to herself, "Ok, yes, done, Bye [OC], see you Sunday"

After we got back home, fwH sent her a message about what transpired and reminded her that he doesn't want her to contact or talk to him, especially like that. I contacted the police, and they told me to take it back to the same judge that I had reported the previous harassment to. I went and did that yesterday. However, on our daughter's birthday, I received a phone call from a detective wanting to speak to my husband. He was at work, so they left a message for him to call back. When I told H, he started freaking out, thinking that she accused him and/or me of who knows what. But when H called, he couldn't reach the guy. He called again yesterday....and right off the bat said that there were no worries and H wasn't in any kind of trouble. He said that OW went and complained for at least half an hour because I came with my husband to pick OC up. Now keep in mind that in 2011, it was HER lawyer who wrote in the modification for custody exchanges granting me and FIL and her mother and her boyfriend the right to pick the child up. In fact, she already told us that her mother or boyfriend was going to be picking him up this Sunday before all this went down.

So the officer said that it was ridiculous, and he told her that she needs to learn to deal with the fact that I'm involved! He said that she might still try to file with the magistrate but it will probably be disapproved, especially since he saw that she had been harassing us.

I just don't understand how after YEARS of all of this, she has the gall to say she's upset at the very sight of me. Once again, I kept cool and collected and didn't say a word until she started acting like a MegaBitch again. And what kind of 36 year old says that they WANT to make a scene in front of their child? Sick.

This is why I don't agree with the people who say, "It's always best for a child to have their father in their lives." Maybe not when the mother hates the father and vice versa. Because she just put OC in the middle, taught him to yell at his Dad....and this is after the scene she pulled at OUR house in May. H and I both have the feeling that the parental alienation is just going to get worse from this point.

6 more years.....6 more years....

Wow Sparkle,

Sorry all of that happened over the holiday. Why does she hate seeing you?? Could it be that each time she sees you she is reminded of what a loser she is? After reading all of this I am thinking NC is the way to go until we don't have to deal with OW to establish a relationship. I am happy the detective saw right through all their BS. I will repeat the 6 more year chant with you. Maybe it will make the years fly by.

She "hates seeing you"? TOO BAD!! She should have thought of that, shouldn't she have?

Personally, I would LOVE to know that OW "hates seeing me". I'd make sure to run into her, so she could see me more often!

So sorry for what you're going through, Sparkle.

Thanks, ladies. It still baffles me how she could go from pretending to be a close friend to actually getting pissed at and upset over the fact that I haven't disappeared. It's like that time in August when she called and gave me shit for answering the phone...it's like, "How DARE you interfere with my relationship with your husband?" Wrong way around.

How has everyone else been doing?

Sparkle, I'm sorry for your stress. That must be so, so hard. I'd be an emotional wreck, I'm sure - and angry at my H for putting such a person into my life.

I've been doing well - I've stopped creeping her FB page, since I saw the photo of her pregnant and ready to burst. One more month till due date. Just trying to focus on Christmas and our family of five.

I'm thinking NC is probably the only option. I almost bought a Christmas ornament today to send to OW... a little blue tie, with the words, 'Who's Your Daddy?' written on it.

Want2help and plainpain,

You both have me cracking up.

This week week I was a wreck and all the stress finally caught up with me. Had a migraine for 3 days and that is with medication. Week ended with me crying all day when I have not cried in a long time. Luckily the kids didn't see all my tears so that is a plus. I know things will get better as I doing much better than just a few weeks ago. All quiet on the OW front since she got the "pleasure" of speaking with me. Getting ready for Xmas. Something that did make me laugh is DD 3. She flooded my bathroom and when I call WH to take a look she said..."hey, that guy doesn't need to know about this".

"hey, that guy doesn't need to know about this".

OMG, from the mouths of babes!!!!

I'm doing well, waiting on pins and needles to hear from the attorney/courts. All appropriate adoption paperwork has been filed, just waiting for the courts. I don't know what the next stop in finalization is, but the attorney said it will likely take 3-4 months, which puts the adoption being finalized right around my birthday 1.5 months away. That'd be AWESOME!

I'm a university student, and it's finals week for me, so I am busy busy (I should be studying right now!). I recently found out OW has decided to return to college as well. A small, private "diploma mill" college that plays it's commercials after midnight on the local stations. You know, the ones that advertise during Jerry Springer commercial breaks (fitting, since OW wanted to BE ON JERRY SPRINGER when this all started!).

I looked up the college to see what kind of tuition they charge... $30,000 a year! JUST for tuition, plus fees, books, etc. Private loans only. OW's paying it so that she doesn't have to take the normal pre-reqs for her degree (LPN), but I think she's probably too stupid to realize that none of the credits even transfer.

I am so glad we are getting the adoption done with. I could totally her student loans being deducted from her income and CS being raised because of it. There are almost no LPN jobs in the area because this school puts out about 40-50 LPNs a year, in a county so small it has 2 hospitals (mostly staffed with RNs and CNAs).

Anyway, just me venting. OW is dumb. I received a very prestigious scholarship, and my entire cost-of-attendance is paid up until my master's degree. I pity OW racking up $30K+ in loans for a degree that won't be worth much...

I think I'm stressed out and anxious. Christmas is making everything trigger me - just thinking about last year at this time, knowing the A hadn't gone fully physical yet, but that he was 'dating' her. I was in lala land, preparing for Christmas, happy. Clueless. Trusting. Being made a complete fool of.

It's just less than one month now till her due date, and I don't know how I'm going to make it through Christmas. I'm fighting another BV infection, and that's triggering me. My H told me to go get checked again for STDs, in case something didn't show up on the one seven months ago. He's feeling nauseous, ashamed, hating himself, wondering how much more damage he might have caused.

I've stopped checking 'her' FB page, and I'm trying to savor these last weeks of being the only 'mother of his children'. I'm so depressed.

storm~ what your D said is so cute and funny! :)

Want2~ I will be looking forward to the day you post on here that the adoption is finalized and you no longer have to think about or deal with OW.

plainpain~ *hugs* I hope you will find some peace and joy in this holiday season. What helped me was focusing on our kids. I let their joy and wonder rub off on me and would envision a mental STOP sign whenever any bad thoughts came up.

I'm doing that again this year because OW seems hell-bent on trying to make this a miserable holiday season. H and I went to his company holiday party, which is always nice...we've kind of made it a tradition to stay at the hotel overnight after the party and then go Christmas shopping the morning after. So we come home from all of that when my mother (who was watching the kids) says she has important mail for us.

Of course, it was from OW.....apparently right after she boo-hooed to the police about how I had the audacity to be with my husband when picking OC up, she went to file for custody modifications. I could almost write a novel on this alone, but I'll try to sum it up....

First she specifically wants contact to be between her and my H. She put "no third party, ie father's wife". Yet when H went to get OC for this past weekend, her boyfriend spoke to my husband to tell him that he was going to put a doorbell at the bottom of the entryway so that H and OW don't have to see or speak to each other, which H agreed was a good idea. But anyway, she's had her boyfriend, her mother and her other two husbands address H, but wants to have things where I'm specifically excluded. Can she do that?

Next, she specifically asked for the state of NJ to take jurisdiction of the case. Let's hope that doesn't happen, for many reasons. One of H's arguments against moving the case is that OW has already moved OC a few times since his birth. OC was born in this city in early 2002, in 2003 is when she moved to the neighboring city in this state with her 2nd H. She spoke then of how she wanted to move the case to that county, but she never took action, and then in 2007/2008 she moved back to this city (I think she was separated from her 2nd H at the time, but he later came back to live there before leaving again). Spring 2011 is when she moved to where she is now. But after her history with her 2nd H, we have no reason to believe that her current situation is permanent, so why should the case be moved there?

Then she's asking for OC to be able to attend all extra-curricular activities, regardless of who has custody. In other words, if OC has somewhere else to be during his visitation time here, she wants that to trump OC's visitation. Every activity that OC is in, she signed him up for without any prior discussion with H, and this goes against what is outlined in the legal custody. Just this year alone, she has him in Boy Scouts, band, bowling, golfing, and basketball. If OC were to attend all of those, he would have little to zero visitation here.

Last, she asks to be able to take "family vacation" every July. The issue isn't her taking a vacation, the issue is that she wants to take OC on vacation with her boyfriend, on one of the weekends that H and OC have visitation. Also, my H already gave her notice of the dates he planned to have summer vacation with OC, so she is trying to negate the current custody order and override his vacation.

Bad enough that she filed on our 5th child's birthday, the hearing is less than a week before our 2nd child's birthday :( And what really sucks is that my H is using the very last of his vacation time from work for this Wednesday's support hearing....soo, he's going to have to miss a whole day's pay for this stupid BS that SHE wants.

I wish I knew what to do or who to talk to in order to deal with this stuff. Again, it's not like we can afford a lawyer, but we might end up shelling out the big bucks to get one because it's not right that she wants to make all these changes. Now she is really using OC as a weapon and just wants as much $$$ for herself as possible while getting to call all the shots, rule his life and have her boyfriend be the one that is considered OC's "father"....just like she argued about over her 2nd H

However, as much as I am worried about it right now, I refused to let her court notice interfere with our holiday spirit yesterday. We got more decorating done while listening to Christmas music and got excited over the snow. I am determined not to let The Grinch (seriously, if OW were colored green, she would closely resemble him) ruin Christmas!

....and now H is going to have to miss more work because OW served us with papers today that she is going to this county courthouse on Thursday morning to petition to have the case moved, so if H wants to object then he'd better be there. And I don't think I can go this time, so I'm sure she'll use the opportunity to say something to him.

Can I get a strong egg nog, please?

Want2~ I will be looking forward to the day you post on here that the adoption is finalized and you no longer have to think about or deal with OW.

Well, OW has so deeply infiltrated my FWH's family, I don't know if this will ever happen. I'm hoping that with the adoption she gets a like and MOVES ON, but I doubt it.

Plainpain, I am so sorry. Try to keep off Facebook, but don't beat yourself up when you do. We didn't have internet (purposely) during this part of OW's pregnancy, but you can bet I was on there any chance I got, looking at her profile.

Sparkle, these are ALL things FWH's XW (now OW's best friend) asked for in different custody modifications! From the sports, to the "family vacations" during FWH's meager visitation (with her abusive bf), to asking that I not be in my own home during visitation (she felt my stepDs needed time with their DAD, not his fiance/wife).

I live in a different state, but she got NONE of those things. Judge said we made the call about extra curricular activities on FWH's weekends (we of course took her for that one seasons, because XW pissed and moaned abut how 13 yr old stepD would one day get a college scholarship for her softball skills, and then XW never signed her up for another seasons! ). OW was NOT allowed to schedule her vacations during the summer weeks we had stepDs, and the attorneys and judge LAUGHED at her attempt to get me to leave my house/not be at pick up/drop off meetings.

All this bullsh*t court time drove me crazy when it was the XW, so I can only imagine how I would've been had it been OW! I think maybe that's another reason fWH is NC, didn't want to begin another 18 years of that bs when we just got done with the last 18.

I hope for you a similar outcome. These women seem to never lose the desire to punish the MM that didn't stay with them.

Want2~ I was going to post that I couldn't believe that your fwH's XW wanted you to make yourself scarce from your own home.....but unfortunately, I could easily see OW in our case asking/expecting that.

I just don't know if she's doing all this to punish my fwH for not staying with her....she has her boyfriend. Before him she had her 2ndH, and swore how he was the love of her life.

I'll report back after Thursday about how both court dates went.

Hi All-

I haven't posted very much lately but have been here reading.

My FWH's potential OC is due at the end of the month. Right after D-Day when we first found out OW was pregnant, he was adamant that OC was his. Now, he admits that he does know of at least one other person that OW slept with around the time that she became pregnant. But OC is very likely to be his.

We decided that there would be NC between FWH and OC and, of course, OW. Things have been strangely quiet. Nothing from OW in months..

My FWH went to see an attorney last week to find out what to expect and how to proceed. He asked the attorney about child support and whether who filed for CS first has an advantage, or gets more $$$ in our state. Keep in mind, I can't petition for CS unless we are legally separated by court order. The attorney said yes, that whomever files first would more than likely get more money by about $150-$200 per month. My FWH asked about us getting legally separated in order to petition for CS FIRST so OW would receive less.

Attorney said that he did not recommend this path as it is destructive on the relationship if we are truly trying to R. Then he told my FWH you two should sit down and talk about whether we are seriously going to "make it through." And that if one of us wasn't 100% on board that I should go ahead and file for separation to beat OW to the punch. He said this would more than likely end in divorce, but if that was what was going to happen anyway at least his legit COM would be protected.

I want to R most days. But a lot of days lately I just can't let go of the pain and anger this whole situation has caused. I am pissed that he risked OUR kids future for this whore. And on those days I can't even imagine spending the rest of my life with this man. Now I feel pressure..like I need to make a decision because the clock is ticking.

I know if I do eventually decide to D and end up with less child support for my kids than OW...I will regret not doing it sooner. But I don't want to make the decision to divorce based solely on CS either. Any thoughts or advice?

I just hate this so very much..so tired of thinking about.

So, I’m back. H refuses to get a DNA test because she told him once she had it she would inform all his family and friends on social media by scanning a copy of it and putting it on her accounts (as her profile pic and tagging anyone with his last name and/or any friends she knew of). Ugh. Then he tried to make nice with her (because at the end of it, he feels bad for the child), offering to spend time with their son, she agreed but threw a fit when he told her I would be accompanying him. Then she had her son call and throw a fit about not being comfortable around me (literally, this kid was crying and screaming, “NO, I DON’T WANT HER!!” over and over. They act like I’m the new girlfriend and I broke up their family. What a joke. He’s decided NC is the only way to go. After 2 weeks of NC she had her friend call the house at 2 am (I recognized the voice and number) and when I answered she said, “oh, uh, hi, uh is Tony there?” Tony is not my H’s name, I think she was surprised when I answered his cell and got nervous. Too bad I didn’t realize it until the next morning, cause at 2am I was sleeping, silly me.

LTL - I have no words of advice for you. I wish I did. (((HUGS)) I am in the same situation (with regard to CS) and this whole thing sucks.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:49 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Sad to see many of us are still going through a rough phase right now :(

The only semi-good news I have is that OW agreed yesterday to lower the monthly support to $320 per month, $45 less than what it is now. The problem is due to time constraints, H did not bring up anything about the retroactive, the medical insurance deduction that's going to be taken from his checks again starting in January....some 9 pages of testimony and 26 pages of evidence we had to support our case, and when H heard OW agree to $320 per month he let that be the end of it. NOW he's kicking himself, but I don't really know what we can do after yesterday....file with the Superior Court?

Then after today's hearing, both of us feel like putting our heads through a wall....the jurisdiction is being changed to NJ. H said the judge at first said that there was no reason to change it, he wasn't going to move it and OW should not have filed for the custody modification hearing in NJ, but then he said he wasn't sure about the laws and was going to "check". H said the judge came back out and did a complete 180 saying that it was going to be moved and not even listening to H's reasons for objection.

All H and I could think to do right now was start contacting attorneys for evaluations. I want to believe that this custody hearing in February will not go in her favor, but I just don't know what to think anymore.

LiedToLucy~ I decided that I wanted to R, too. Most days I tell myself that the money isn't the important thing~ the important thing is that our family is happy for the most part....unlike OW/OC where she is a bitter,vindictive %$#!@&* who uses OC as a pawn. I don't want to use the court to determine when our kids can see their Dad and all that mess. I don't want to be just a statistic and number in the system, generating money for the courts and lawyers.

But I honestly do have days, like now, where I see red when I think about OW getting her way, being used to the courts rewarding her and giving in to all of her wants. It's an on-going struggle, and it just sucks, to say the least. I can't go back and stop it from happening, so I have to live with it, even if I have to do it by gritting my teeth on days like today.

I forgot to add, on another bad note, the recent harassment that I reported was disapproved this time. So I also don't know the next step is on that front....when I filed, the lady gave me a number to call about getting a restraining order, but I don't know if that will go through.

stronger~ so if your H won't get a court ordered DNA test, what does that mean for the CS? Is he planning on acknowledging paternity? Good to hear that he agreed to NC.

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is for OW to fuck off and disappear.

Thanks,

Stronger

(LOL!)

I’m sorry to hear we’re all in this drama especially at this time of year!

Sparkle – i'm glad CS was lowered but I wish your post had more better news. I'm sending you tons of strength/prayer/hope (whatever you need!) for the hearing in February. It seems so unfair - these women are rewarded for being OW's while us faithful wives are painted in a horrible light (at least thats what OW is doing to me and the judge seemed to believe I was the reason H went NC with their son). It's disgusting and somedays I look at H and think, "is he worth it?"...Anyway in my H's case the judge said if H is proven to be the father he will have to pay her back for her cost of the DNA – so instead of paying the amount twice he’s going to cut her a cheque for her cost of the DNA and explain to the judge he never wanted to dispute paternity. He’ll still have to provide CS regardless of getting the test or not.

Want2~ I was going to post that I couldn't believe that your fwH's XW wanted you to make yourself scarce from your own home.....but unfortunately, I could easily see OW in our case asking/expecting that.

Yes, she told the courts that the stepKids were building a relationship with me, instead of FWH. She didn't like that. Boohoo.

H refuses to get a DNA test because she told him once she had it she would inform all his family and friends on social media by scanning a copy of it and putting it on her accounts (as her profile pic and tagging anyone with his last name and/or any friends she knew of). Ugh.

OW did something similar to this when OC was born (and then she she ramped up this behavior when I she found out I was expecting our COM). She made a social networking profile for the infant OC. She made a "Look-a-like" meter with OC's picture in-between her picture and FWH's and post it, calling him the "sperm donor" and "baby daddy". Put up lots of pics of FWH, and even some of me, with captions like: (speaking as OC) "The controller, the one creator of all this sadness." And "the reason my daddy can't see me" .

She then sent "friends requests" to all of our friends, relative, and co-workers.

Was it embarrassing? Horribly. If not getting a DNA test would have prevented it, would I have even considered FWH not getting one? Hell no. A DNA test is a MUST. Period. I don't care if she publishes it in the paper (OW published a birth announcement with FWH's name, and it read as though they were a couple, she even put him as residing with her in her town, despite the fact that the A had been over for 6 months).

Sorry for all of the hurt everyone is experiencing. Sparkle, glad it was dropped some!

Want2 - I totally agree a DNA test is a must to confirm paternity. BUT - we already did one in the summer (not court ordered so the judge wouldn't except it) but it did confirm paternity

anyway - he told her he was the dad, but, she desperately wanted a copy of it for her "records" as she put it, he refused to give it to her and she got PISSED.

edit to say - love the Christmasy feel of SI - including the cartoons beside each post and Dr. Santa Phil!

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:13 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

stronger~ love your request to the guy in the red suit That's on my list, too!