SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh, I can't figure out those stupid quote things... lol.

Plainpain and stronger,

I totally agree with what you said. I would just add that we did not do anything!

Had a difficult conversation with WH last night. I called him on all of the blame shifting he has been doing. I feel like I am finally coming out of deep winter and seeing the beginnings of spring. He has been such a ass for the last three years and I thought it was my fault. Well it isn't!!!!! This makes me madder than the affair. He was willing to hurt me to protect himself and then say..well I tried to tell you...or this was why I didn't want you to know. :mad

I have his FB password again and he even tried to blame the fact that he changed it on me. He just didn't know I could see everything in his email account!

We all deserve much more than the load of crap we have been handed. I am tired of hearing WH say he is working on being the best man he can be...Really...You didn't think that the two children and wife you had were worth this effort before. The more I have thought about this...it is abuse. It would be easier to see if we had all been punched in the face and everyone could see the bruises and scars. They are written all over my soul and no one can see or feel them but me. Everyone has told me to stay and work on marriage...What have I been doing all along? I never left he did! I am sick or crying, sick of asking why me, sick of the whole damn thing. I an believing everything WH and OW are showing me. This is who they are. My DD ten is even getting sick of his behavior. Asked if I left could she come with me as he was a big jerk. I said yes and let her know that she would still see WH if that happened. I just assured her that for the moment things were not changing. Boy they has better move very quickly towards someone I can love as I am not putting kids or myself through much more of this. Just going to turn all this energy towards myself. I plan on wearing the shortest short shorts this summer and who cares what WH or anyone else says!

Thank you all for the luck and well wishes...I hope to report back with positive news. I don't want the support office/OW to put a damper on this Christmas.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's hard to see it in the first few years after discovery of OC. Counseling, this site, relaxation techniques can help you manage thoughts and emotions, but R is your decision. There were my personal thoughts on it~ since OC was born, that became a fact of life whether we had divorced or not. H would still have to pay support, OW would still try to contact him (moreso if she knew she didn't have to deal with my presence), and we'd have to figure out custody/visitation with our children. I thought about my feelings for H, and I couldn't see myself starting all over with somebody else. If anybody has seen the movie "The Money Pit", there's a quote in there that stuck with us that says something like, "As long as you have the foundation, everything else can be fixed." I'm not saying R is for everyone, but this is some of what helped me get through those tumultuous, confusing years. Wishing the best for you all!

Thank you for saying all that, Sparkle. I guess that is really how I feel, too - I am going to have to deal with this forever now, regardless of what I decide to do with my marriage. Assuming the baby is his, my children will have a sibling. That is going to affect them, and me, forever. I want my husband, I don't want to lose my marriage or this family - but it just makes me so angry that there is absolutely NOTHING that I can do to free myself of this circumstance or this pain. The damage is done. It's like he killed something, and the only thing to be done is just to learn how to accept it.

It is encouraging to know that people do survive this. I think I am still traumatized by the whole thing. I'm still processing the A, the discovery that my H was not at all the man that I thought he was, that the last 20 years of my life and my entire marriage have been based on a lie. I am still reeling from the humiliation, the jealousy, the blow to my self-esteem, the violation of my body, the betrayal of our love, our family, our children... and now I have to put all those emotions on the back-burner so that I can think about how I am going to keep myself together for my children.

This makes me angry, too - knowing that now my kids have a mother who is living with trauma, distracted, absorbed with pain, who never laughs - and they will look at OW and compare us, just like my H did. And she will look soooooo much better than me, because she is young. That's it. That's all she has going for her. She's young. But apparently that's really the only quality that is of value these days.

Bah.

Storm, I agree - sometimes I wish I had been punched in the face. Nobody says, 'Wow, you must have not been taking care of your husband properly' to a battered woman. It's such an indignity - it is absolutely abuse, on every level. I'm sorry your H is still blame-shifting. It's like they try to take your knees out from under you - make you feel like you don't really know the things you know.

Plainpain,

If and when your children see OW they will not think she is better than you. They will probably hate her for all the pain she caused you and see her for the selfish person she is. Believe it or not but children are extremely loyal to their mothers. When I saw who my stepfather cheated on my mother with I was like...really her! She kept calling our house and breathing on the phone when I answered. I called her a whore and told her to stop calling a child and act like a freaking adult.(I was 15 going on 16 at the time). Not very nice words coming from a child and I do not think I had ever said that word out loud until that moment. My mom was shocked when I told her, but she also knew whose side I was on and it wasn't loser OW's.

I'm new to this thread... I was snooping on my WH's cellphone last week and saw texts from OW (now confirmed by WH) she is telling him she's pregnant with his baby. Well I posted in general and a few people directed me to this part of SI and I've been lurking around here and reading a lot of posts on this thread ever since. It's actually helped me to deal with my situation a lot (which is a pleasant surprise) so I'm very grateful to you all for sharing experiences and how you're coping.

My WH's OW is claiming (not confirmed directly by reliable source) to be very barely (around 7 weeks) pregnant. She is a 21 yo girl who used to watch our kids a couple years ago. I work in a regional position for my company so a couple weekends a month I am out at a different site. At the time my H also had a tough work schedule and travel days. Well a couple months into her watching our children during the day while my H was working, they began an A. After DDay it supposedly stopped. Well, obviously not. According to WH, OW hasn't decided wether or not to keep the baby, so I am waiting to find out just what kind of hell my H just signed our family up for behind my back. I feel scared and pretty helpless. At this point with the way my WH has been acting it seems like we're headed to D... but even if that is the case it is a long road. And in the near future I don't see him leaving the house because financially and for the kids we really need to stick together.

Happy to have found this place for support and guidance. Thanks to all.

prowoman,

I am sorry yet another person finds themselves here. My DD was mid August of this year so I am fairly new as well. All the people here have given me great advise and a safe place to say what a really feel and want. I hope that OW is not pregnant or that if she is it not your H's. You still have some hope so hold onto it. If you think you might D check out the laws in your state with regards to Child Support. You may need to file first to protect your family financially. Also be sure to get tested for STD's. My doctor and nurse were some of the first people I told and they were very supportive. Sending you hug, good thoughts, and prayers for your family

I have had a interesting week to say the least.

After my little talk with OW she called WH 4 or 5 times and sent him a FB message. In it she said...someone called saying she was your wife. I laughed my ass off. The next day she calls and says...oh she got the OC coat and all the stuff she needed ...I bet she did.

She then called again to make sure he got the message and they spoke after he dropped our DD3 off at school. He had also talked to her while I sitting on the couch watching tv..he never said anything...but I saw the information on the phone. I was furious that he just sat there and did not tell me he was talking to her.

I asked what they talked about and he left things out and then when I asked again he included some additional details. I tried to let him know this was hurtful...WH just got mad and said why did we have to keep talking about it. I told him we didn't have to as I could just go out and did what he did to me and then we would be even.(I did not use nice words to say this). I left the house and the did not talk to him for 2 days. Get a text where he says he told her not to contact him and he would not be contacting her. I verified on fb. I just told him..K and nothing more. OW sent him 3 more messages and then nothing. All has been quiet.

My house is silent...including WH....I am loving the silence. Just talking to DD10 and DD3. Went for nature walk on the lake with 3yo. Had a all around wonderful day. I am enjoying all this while it lasts.

You talk about it because it is crucial to your healing. Hopefully by your WH sending the NC message that means he realized he was on the "slippery slope".

I guess you could say that we have limited contact with the OW in our case. If she ever calls, I answer or H puts her on speakerphone so we both can hear. I have fwH's passwords, and he shows me every text and e-mail. Ever since the harassment, he is very clear that she is not to talk about me or COM, and he will politely but bluntly tell her when she starts getting personal or crossing the line. He now keeps contact as strictly business-like as possible.

Even if they don't actively pursue your H, many OWs with OC like to have that "in" with your spouse by trying to bond over OC. Anything that makes you uncomfortable, don't hesitate to tell your H. You decide what you will tolerate. I'm glad to hear you had a wonderful day :) I hope things continue that way.

Storm, sounds like OW is still trying to bond with your WH? She just can't seem to process the whole 'wife' thing, hey? I'm so encouraged to hear how you are standing up for yourself, and keeping those boundary lines clear and fixed, and that your H has gone back to NC. After everything he has put you through, he should NOT be having private conversations with OW, EV.ER. I think I would have packed my bags already on that alone. My whole R is contingent on the fact that my H never has 'alone time' with OW.

Plainpain,

I think many men are clueless on how women attempt to bond with them. I sent it to my pastor who is also our MC and his response was that it was ok and they are over. I was furious with him all men in general.I thought, maybe only women can see this. I told my grandmother and she saw the same thing we all saw. I didn't even say anything to him when I read it just K.

Last night I was at the end of my rope and packed a bag for him and left it by the back door. He hadn't broken NC, but I was sick of his attitude and need him to work harder than he ever has on anything. I called his bestfriend and told him to come pick him up. I think he was shocked, then angry that I wanted him to leave. He said he was not leaving and really just felt hopeless with the situation he created. He is used to getting my support in all things. I may say he is wrong but I still support him. This is something I have not been doing as of late. He has to earn everything back, nothing will be freely given as he took it all for granted. I think he see that I am not as nice as he thought I was. I let him and his friend know when if I leave I am not going quietly. I am going to shout what he and his whore did! I will post everything I have to both of their facebook pages and that other website(which is my favorite of all time). Today was a much better day as his attitude was much improved. I guess being sick and throwing up all over the place helped me get my point across.

On a funny note his friend was completely freaked out and wanted to know if I was pregnant. Best laugh all day was looking at his horrified face. I laughed until I cried and then said..hell no..just the flu from hanging out with a classroom full of 3 and 4 yo.

I think many men are clueless on how women attempt to bond with them. I sent it to my pastor who is also our MC and his response was that it was ok and they are over. I was furious with him all men in general.I thought, maybe only women can see this.

Yes, I think that is very true. When my H was coming out of the fog, we had a lot of conversations about things she had done and said during the A. He told me she really respected him, listened to him, that she thought he was very wise - that she ate up everything he said. They even talked about God. I was trying to prepare him for what I thought her next move was going to be, in her attempts to get him back. I said, 'Next thing she'll do is call you and tell you that's she's found God, and she wants your forgiveness'. He said, 'Well, she's already started going to church'. I just looked at him. After a minute, he said, 'Do you think she was just saying that?'

I literally gave him a play by play of how I figured the relationship happened, what she did, what she said, and he basically said, yes, yes, yes to everything. He was pretty stunned after the fog lifted - felt very, very stupid, and like he had walked straight into a trap. He figured she had been stalking him for weeks before she ever made her first move - that's why they kept 'bumping into each other'. Duh.

One of the best things he said to me after, was, 'I will trust you from now on. I trust your instincts. If you say somebody is 'trouble', I will just believe you.' He's been true to that word - I can spot a 'man-tracker' from a mile away.

I am very sorry that things are so hard for you, still. I am trying not to be afraid of the future - but I really do need to remember that I can only control me. I don't know if I would have the strength to pack a bag - maybe none of us know until we're in it. Even though things are good at home, I still think I have a mental bag packed and ready to run.

I think packing the bag was a wake up call. I know I can go this alone if I have to. It might be hard in the beginning..but it is hard now so who cares.

NC lasted all of two days...lol Happy I enjoyed them to the fullest. Spoke to OW this evening. She sent him a text saying it was cold and that she needed the coat???? Can we all say....WHAT!!!

I called her and said you said you had everything. OW then said...No WH is lieing to you and he sent me a text saying he wanted to see OC. I asked her to "do me a favor and send me the text and any others she felt I should see". OW said she didn't feel that it was needed and they did not need to do this to me(Funny how no one was thinking of me while they were f#$%ing). I let her know I see all his text messages, fb, and emails. I asked if she sent WH text to bring her wine. OW said yes and that since he was bringing OC stuff she felt he could pick up wine for her on the way. I let her know that any conversation that was not about OC was inappropriate. Also that anytime she contacts him through any of these methods she would be talking to me. I asked for her mothers address and phone so I could go get items and drop them off as I did not want to know where she lived. She kept going back to he contacted her and then said they had not spoken since last October...(I guess when you lie its hard to keep them all straight). OW also said that things had been going on longer than I thought. I let her know that since I only found out in August that is probably correct. She said WH is telling us two different things and telling me lies. I told OW to put her big girl panties on and deal with the situation and stop acting like a victim. The only victims here are the children and as a therapist she knew exactly the damage she/he were doing to all of them. OW said that she did. I let her know I was the only adult in this situation. I said I was not going to curse her out and did not want to fight her as many women would(secretly I want to hit her until she hurts the way I do). I told her I did not know her and the one time I met her she was nasty to me, which didn't make any sense as she had done something to me. OW said this was not true and that she was snappy because she was shocked and taken off guard. I told her , yes..but you were snappy and had a attitude with me. OW said yes she was and then APOLOGIZED...YES APOLOGIZED. I said I accepted her apology. I told her I felt bad that she thought this was all she deserved and worse all that her child deserved. She kept saying I was missing text messages so I told her to send them. OW again declined to do so. She said that OC would be taken care of without our help. I said I was sure that she would be fine as God takes care of children and fools. She is child so all would be well.(He mother is a fool so they both should be fine). I let her know that if she wanted anything dropped off to send her mother address to WH's facebook and I would drop them off. I let her know that I pray for OC and her and told her to have a blessed week. OW said thank you and she would not be contacting WH again. The entire time I spoke to her I used my sweetest..slap sugar voice. I didn't yell or scream at her. I am happy I got to say what I needed regardless of how it was received. I am real...and so are my children. I guess I can not can call her a whore anymore.

Well that is this weeks saga....I guess god was giving me a slight reprieve before the storm. I told WH that if he had anything else he needed to tell me he had better get it out. I said that if something came out later...I would resort to violence to express the pain he has thus far caused me. I mean it!

Oh Storm. That sounds so.... awful. Do you believe her about the texts, or is she messing with your head? I think I'm going to cry.

Plainpain,

No...but I will verify everything. If I was OW and had proof I would certainly send it. She also responded via a message on FB in which she lied and said the last time she tried to contact him was in April. She has been texting or calling him almost everyday. She just thinks I got access to everything like a week ago. When I get a few dollars I will have someone pull all the info off our other computer to see what else I find. Unless you know how to delete everything off the hard drive I can pretty much see everything. WH didn't even delete history on the PC so the week where I didn't have everything I could see they were talking.

The sage continues,

OW sent this long message on facebook. I think I am going to post exactly what she wrote in the general forum. End of story is that coat..and other items were purchased and shipped to a JCPenny for her to pick up. Speaking to her let me know she is CRAZY and what a great big dumbass he is as well.

Why would an OW refuse to get DNA swabbed but want OC and fwh to be swabbed? That doesn't make sense...is it a control thing?

I thought they needed all three to get accurate results. If not them I would say its is just one way for her to be in control and basically say she wants things done her way.

Storm-Thats what I thought. The court even ordered all 3 parties submit their DNA.

I don't know if I can do this. OW posted a picture of her pregnant self on FB - I don't know how to make myself stop checking it. I just want to know if/when that baby is born. I don't understand why she is blocking me - we are already NC. Why isn't she flaunting it?

The baby is due first week of January, and I don't know how I'll even make it through Christmas. I am so scared - I am so sick to my stomach. I look at her, and I just sob... she has my H's baby inside her. I know it's his. She's connected to him forever. The blow-up doll planted herself into his family tree, along side MY children. They took what was sacred and f**ked all over it. I just want to die. How does this pain ever get better?? I'm still dealing with the infidelity - I still can't stop the mind movies.

I know exactly what day she conceived, I know exactly where I was and what I was doing. I was at home, blogging. Blogging about what it means to lay down your life for the person you love. Really. That's what I was doing, while he was f**king her in his office without a condom and putting his baby inside her. I talked to him on the phone that afternoon - he said, 'If you want to come bring me a coffee, I'll make time for you'. It would have been a half-hour drive - we were broke, I barely had enough gas to pick up my kids from school and drive home. I thought about going anyway. But I didn't go. So that lovely romantic phone call from him was just him 'clearing his schedule' so he could f**k her. I am so angry, and so broken.

Please tell me this pain doesn't last forever. Everything feels so black right now. I want to somehow enjoy this last month that we have before OC is born - but I just don't know how. I can't stop crying. All I ever did was love him.