SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Plainpain~ I'm so glad that the baby wasn't born on or near Christmas.

I was thinking about all of you during the holidays and reading, even though I didn't post. Christmas was nice, but on Christmas Eve I noticed our 12 year old was very sullen and moody. I had a heart-to-heart with her, and one of the things upsetting her was that she said OC had told her that "his family at his other house" (aka OW, her boyfriend and two more half-siblings each with a different Dad) said that she is "spoiled" because she got a 3DS last Christmas.

H and I both told her to pay no mind to what him or his other family have to say about our household....they don't live here. And H also talked to OC, hopefully he will not report to OW what their gifts are anymore...it's none of her damn business. Ticks me off that a supposed grown woman would gossip about a child either to or in front of OC. I'm not going to put up with someone, least of all OW, trying to make any of us feel bad for what we give to our kids.

Hi everyone, I am new. My H had A w/exW which started back in Jan of 2012. I didn't find out though until 6 days after their twin daughters were born in June of 2013. They already have 1 child together and we also have 1 child together. They were divorced in 1999 and we met in 2003 and married in 2005. Currently we only have visitation with the older child and no contact w/the twins because the exW will not allow it. The ex is a complete b!tch and I can't believe he decided to be with her again after 13 yrs of being divorced and the awful ways she has treated me our entire marriage. So here I was looking forward to the exW being out of our lives in 4 years when their children turned 18 and now I have another 18 yrs and all the added child support for 2 additional children.

Hi Fullofhurt, I have a very similar situation. His ex wife is the OW and they made OC, a little boy who will be 2 in February.

He also lied about the pregnancy and the birth to me. I found out when the OC was just over a month old. Ripped my world inside out.

Why is she refusing to let him visit the children?

I am sorry you find yourself here, it feels tiring to have to start so years of child support, etc with a rude ex/ow.

I can deal with the money going out, it's the enmeshment, constant efforts the ex makes to attack our relationship.

My fiance is currently in such a state of upset and anger, he is refusing to talk to almost everyone and chose to take on extra work over the holidays outside of town so he can completely avoid everything.

The ExW/OW doesn't want my H to have anything to do with their new twins because she doesn't feel he is a good father. Well you shouldn't have slept with him then and not used protection! Also she doesn't like me and doesn't want the twins to develop a close relationship with me like their teenager has. She has no valid reason to hate me either, she only does because I can see through her lies and manipulation when no one else can and have always challenged her on it. I even had to fight against my H because he was taking her side until after the affair was exposed and he realized how evil of a person she truly was. We still have contact with her, well mainly me. I am the one who picks up their teenage child because I will not allow my H to be around her alone anymore and he doesn't go with me unless she will allow him the opportunity to see the twins and she won't. We live in the same state but on opposite ends so we meet in the middle which is a 2.5hr drive for each of us to pick up the teenager. Another reason H isn't allowed to go alone to exchange the teenager is because that is when he would have sex with his ex! They would leave their daughter in one car and go off in the other and have a quickie!!! The night she got pregnant the sex lasted 5 minutes, 5 freaking minutes...and there are 2 additional children now!!!!! Every month I go see this women too she is mean to me. At Thanksgiving she spit at me because her child and I hugged and said I love you to each other. At Christmas time I knocked on her window to ask her if she wanted to get out and accept some Christmas gifts for the twins and she gave me a look like I was the OW. When I found out about the affair, she talked to me about how she felt abandoned by my husband! She acts like the victim all the time. I pay her diapers, wipes, baby clothes, toys, etc and I am called a b!tch, and c*** by the women. Told I am ugly and look like I have cancer and she hopes he f(cks me in the darks so doesn't have to look at me. I weigh probably about 100lbs less then this person. I may not wear makeup everyday but I don't feel I need it to be pretty. ahh, I could go on and on about her and the affair and aftermath and even the before turmoil....sometimes when I read it all out or talk about it I think WTH am I doing trying to stay with this man, maybe they should be together

((fullofhurt)) What a horrible situation to be in I'm so sorry for you. I'm pretty disgusted that your H and his XW would leave their teenage daughter in a car to go fuck in another one... Really?? And how is she coping with all of this madness? I see in your other post that OW/XW was married, was there presumption of paternity to her H for the twins? Has he has a paternity test done? Does he want contact with the twins? Do you two plan on fighting for it?

Ugh I feel for you and Kallieopeia. We've all been cheated on which is an enormous hurt in itself, OC is another horrible layer, and A with an Ex is even more shit on top of that. How confusing for all the children involved! Sending hugs and strength to all.

We want contact with the twins and plan to fight for custody. My h wants contact, our child together wants contact, and I want contact. My h did think about giving up his rights but I told him that was completely up to him and I would NEVER ask him to do something so huge to save our marriage. I personally could never do such a thing for someone else so I couldn't ask someone do to do it for me. Plus the more I thought about it I didn't want our daughter to not know her other half-sisters. Maybe if he had been with a random woman it would have been easier to do no contact but he will see and hear about these twins for the rest of his life because of his other daughter with his exW so if he gave up his rights to them I felt he would always wonder what if, or feel a pain in his heart when he saw a picture of them on his daughter's facebook or Instragram or saw them when picking the teenager up for her visitation. Having oc with the exW when you already have children with her makes it harder to have no contact.

The teenager is coping okay, it is hard to tell because she doesn't talk very much but she wants to come live with us and has wanted too before her mom even got pregnant. She also wants us to get custody of the twins. He older sister, step-father, and step-father's mother all want us to get custody of them too. Her current soon to be ex-husband had a vasectomy 8 years ago after their last child was born so he knew immediately the babies were not his. Here is the weird thing about the ExW. She has 5 children, the 1st is with her current ex-husband, 2 w/my husband, 3rd with her current ex-husband, and twins with my husband. She can't make up her mind between the two men. I hate her but I am nice to her all the time because of the children. I am constantly thinking about those twins even though I haven't been allowed to meet them yet but my husband and child have. Paternity has been established and we have a lawyer and court case open but it is slow moving. We did a non-legal binding DNA test over the summer (we purchased a DNA test off Amazon) and it was 99.99999% he was the father for both. He then filed a case to establish paternity and get custody. The exW at 1st was going to deny he was the father but then at the last minute didn't so paternity has been legally established but he hasn't been added to their birth certificates yet since the case is still on going I guess. We would like to get him added to the birth certificate asap though so they can be added to his health insurance. Right now they are on state insurance. We also want to get child support calculated and start paying now until custody is determined but she is stalling everything. We want a temporary order for visitation to begin too.

Hello all, I'm new to this thread and have scrolled thru a little just trying to understand everyone's situations. I'm only 3 months out from finding out about husbands affair and the soon to be OC. OW is due end of March/beginning of April, unsure of actual date. Yes I know, there's still that small glimmer of hope that it's not his since paternity is not yet established, but in all reality, we know it's his, it was a long yer affair and I'm forcing myself to accept reality and try to face it. We are in reconciliation, trying anyway. But waking up every day knowing another woman is pregnant with my husbands child KILLS me. I'm in a deep depression, trying to function every day and still take care if our three children, and not let my anger rear it's head every day and cause us to fight. We have already decided he is going to have NO contact with the OC whatsoever. There is NO WAY I would be able to face that trigger in my life as a constant reminder. I want the OW out of my life forever, and that can't happen if he has contact with the OC. Other than what child support he ends up owing, there will be no other claim to this OC. Just looking for someone who understands and for some moral support I guess. Anyone out there who understands??

Sam,

I completely understand. OC just turned two and I found out about affair from CS papers I found. I don't think I could handle seeing OC and want NC as well. My WH has not said what he wants. If he wants to see OC it may be a deal breaker for me. I would suggest you take things as they come and to respect your own feeling about the situation. Others here have gone NC while others see OC on a regular basis. It is completely up to you. I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer to your question. Just start by taking good care of yourself and make sure you stand up for what you need and want.

Storm77,

Thank you...while I HATE that any of us here have the reason to need this forum, it feels so good to know I'm not alone. WH admitted affair to me after I found hidden condoms, I asked if there was ANY WAY the OW could possibly be pregnant, and he said he "didn't know" but promised he'd tell me if it ended up being so. Three weeks later I was hopeful, then I get a phone call from a close friend, who'd heard the rumor the OW was spreading she was pregnant with my husbands child. Details slowly trickled out, it wasn't a once or twice thing like he tried to say, it was long term. And he'd already known about the pending OC when he admitted the affair to me. Why he didn't just come clean with everything at that point I have no idea. What goes thru their minds?? He still tried to hide details, exactly how pregnant she is and how long he'd known. I think he thought if I believed it was a twice time thing I'd stay, but thought he'd lose me if I found out it was long term. Ultimately, I'm trying to reconcile, which is also a very personal decision for each individual with no right or wrong answer. I AM set though that there will be NC with OC. This is what I HAVE to have if I have any hope of getting over this. Husband is fine with it. He'll take care of his financial responsibilities and that will be it. We already pay over $600 a month in child support for his children from previous relationship. We struggle every month. I'm scared to death what this is going to do to us.

SamC,

I am now 6.5 years out, and my FWH has NC with OC.

In fact, OW's new H (also a WS when OW hooked up with him), is in the process of adopting OC. It has been done relatively inexpensively (we are paying all expenses).

Sorry that you're here, but glad that you found us.

fullofhurt, I also feel for you and Kalli. I am a "second wife" (often called the "new wife", even though we've been together longer than FWH and his XW were). I cannot stand the XW. She is a disgusting human being, and if she had been the OW, it would add a whole new element of pain.

Instead, XW took it upon herself to befriend OW after FWH dumped her. They are now BFFs.

I hope this new year brings some healing and closure for everyone.

Well, the baby has been born. Not really sure how I feel at this point. I think I might be numb. I'm not sleeping, and I can't really think about anything else. We emailed her about getting a paternity test, but she hasn't responded. I only know the baby was born because of creative fb sleuthing... I guess people forget that their grandmas like to announce things.

So, not really sure how to proceed from here. Is it possible she just wants to raise the baby alone, and not have to deal with custody/visitation worries? Or are we going to get a letter from a lawyer in the mail at some point? Not that I want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I actually am pissed off that she would think she can just ignore my husband when he wants to know if it's his child or not. So she gets to tell everyone he is a deadbeat... or else he fights for the right to pay child support... which just pisses me off. Seriously. I don't know what my brain is doing. What I want to do is put the fear into her that we want to fight for custody... but the truth is, we both want NC for the indefinite future.

I don't know what to do.

Welcome to the new members

((plainpain)) The OW in our case used to mainly ignore communication about and contact with OC. She said we couldn't get a paternity test until the one on the first guy she named as the father was done, then after that came back negative, she said that she didn't know what she wanted to do but she wouldn't pay towards a test and she wanted her second husband to adopt OC. Then just before OC's second birthday she said she was filing for support. H then filed for custody in 2005, because would only bring OC to visit a few times a year for a couple hours at most. Then she said she wouldn't do that any longer, if H wanted to see OC then he should go to her place WITHOUT me or our kids...hell no, that was not going to happen.

The best advice I can give is to be prepared for anything...start saving what you can in case she does file for support. It is rare (though certainly possible) that OW will be willing to forego court-ordered support payments. The reason it is good to start saving money for that is that OW can ask for and/or receive retroactive support. OW wanted retroactivity to OC's birth, which would have meant 2 years of money on top of the ordered monthly payment. Fortunately we were able to fight against that because of how she filed against the other guy, but I have heard many other cases where the court will grant retroactivity.

As for knowing paternity, I can definitely empathize with how it feels to have OW play the waiting game on you and control what happens. If you and your H decide that you are okay with contact, he could try notifying her that he would like to have a discussion (in your presence, of course) about getting OC tested and making arrangements for support and custody. The drawback is that she might continue to avoid the topic and decide to file for support anyway. If that's what happens, then your H can refuse to acknowledge paternity and a test will be ordered.

Best of luck to you and all of us here

H and I hit a brick wall last night (a relationship brick wall – not a literal wall!). His court date with OW for cs for the OC is looming over our heads (it’s around the corner). And I’m angrier now than ever. I just don’t know how I can forgive. How can this dumb bitch get support from my H (who didn’t know of this kid until THIS YEAR) AND her ex-h? How can the system allow people to double dip? I’m not saying this child doesn’t deserve support but COME ON!! My H is receiving disability support so I'm the main breadwinner - we don't even live together anymore and she's said "I can't wait to take a piece of Stronger's income." I've done nothing to her - but I'm the bad guy?? (she doesn't realize that my income has nothing to do with her support). But, financially - now that h can't work in his field and hasn't been able to find work, we're struggling - I don't know if the court will award her a dime due to his income being government income and not working income. I just don't know. I wish I knew the court system better. And her affidavit is full of so many lies not because he told me they’re lies but because her dates don’t match up to specific dates she’s claiming they were together this year – for example – there’s one date she says they were together all night – but, h and I were out of town that weekend making her claim impossible (this is unfortuantely not able to be proved as we stayed with friends and don't have hotel receipts etc). I just keep thinking if this asshole kept his d*ck to himself we wouldn’t be here right now. He wouldn't have a son with someone else. I’m terribly, terribly sad

Some days are great but I have this ever consuming anger towards him – he says it shouldn’t matter – he didn’t know of OC (who is 8) until now and has no problem with NC because there’s no bond. But that doesn’t make me feel better because whether there is C or NC the existence of OC is very real. I can’t wrap my head around it. I feel like I’m crazy. I told him it’s over because I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I’m losing it. I found out about OC Jul 2013. When does the pain go away?

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:57 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

((stronger)) I'm sorry that you're having a rough time. I hope things go well at the hearing. OW is greedy and rotten to want money from you, and I really hope she is shut down by the court on that tangent. I don't know how it works where you are, but where we are the court still imputed an income to H based on his previous earnings/earning capacity. He was able to get the order lowered over time, but that requires appeals. It seems to me they always make the original order high so that you pay the petition/modification fees to appeal.

I agree that OW should not be able to double-dip on support either. Please refresh my memory~ is her H still with her now and still paying support? Or is she trying to get retroactive support for the time her H was raising the child? If it is the latter, I would hope that is another instance where retroactive support would be denied.

Thanks sparkle. I'm glad I have a safe supportive place to vent!

Please refresh my memory~ is her H still with her now and still paying support? Or is she trying to get retroactive support for the time her H was raising the child? If it is the latter, I would hope that is another instance where retroactive support would be denied.

Her H dumped her as soon as he found out he was only father to one of the kids he thought were his. According to her court paperwork she gets approx. $500 from her ex-H (because he acted as a parent, he has to pay for all the kids he "parented" when they were married even though only one is his) and another $200 from one of her other children's fathers as well. She wants support from my H aand she's requested it to be retroactive from the time he knew about OC.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 1:25 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

My h and I are recently trying to work with OW/exW to get a temporary visitation schedule going but she refuses. The twins will be 7 months old in 3 days and she doesn't feel they are old enough to be introduced to our family although my h and child have met them both a couple of times for a few minutes. She says they are scared of strangers so we shouldn't be around them until they are much older, probably school age. Which to me doesn't make any sense, they will be just as scared then too. But if they grow up knowing us it will be much easier in my opinion.

(((plainpain)))

I know that numbness you are feeling. It's layered over some of the deepest pain I have ever experienced. The shock I felt the day I found out about OC. God.

My fiance came back briefly after all this time, yesterday. He is mentally and emotionally exhausted. He had very little to say, and was up until 2AM. He slept for 3 hours, then got up and without hardly a word, got himself around and left again. His ex is an orthodox christian and they celebrate Christmas January 7. He is staying over tonight and maybe tomorrow night. To be there for the children.

And what about being here for me? I am sitting here alone, except for the cat. Numb and hurting at the same time, feeling abandoned and helpless. Even though I know he didn't want to go over and see his ex, he felt it is "right" to spend time with the children at Christmas. And as the ex has 100% custody, not a chance in heck of us getting them over here on such an important day.

I disagree with the overnight so much. Consolation is the ex considers herself such a pious and importantly religious woman, she will likely be on her knees in Church half the night.

And knowing my fiance, he is not exactly going to be adding any Christmas cheer after 3 hours of sleep and already angry about the situation.

All I can do is hope for peace for the children and forever in hell for exwife/ow.

Hugs and prayers to all!

It doesn't look like the new year is starting off great for any of us.

Sam,

I agree that it is easier becasue you know you are not alone. The financial and emotional strain this puts all of us under can seem unbearable at times. I pray....alot!

Stronger and Plainpain,

I just want to say I am so sorry for the hurt and pain you are going through. I wish I had some great words of wisdom just know I am sending you hugs, strength and saying a prayer for each of you.

Tomorrow WH goes for CS hearing. I was planning on attending but both kids are out of school due to the freezing cold in Chicago. Also DD10 does not want to see OW ever! I don't even know if she will be there, but better safe than sorry. BTW DD10 has been seeing her school counselor and was told that sadly this is not unusual.(What has the world come to?) This made her feel better. She still asks question but is not nearly as angry as she was. The counselor told her not to hold her feeling in and to talk to me and her when she needs to. She also gave her some tools to deal with her anger. Had a good XMAS and just relaxed on my BDAY(12/31). WH got me a surprise cake. It was a nice gesture on his part. Resolution is just to embrace all my feeling, put myself first, and ask for what I want at all time. These are not things I did before and sadly are like learning another language.

her school counselor and was told that sadly this is not unusual

now that's just sad. I wonder how these kids (the OC's) feel when they grow up and realized the circumstances they were conceived under? Not that the OC should feel bad because they're innocent in all this -- I just wonder how they feel.

I've decided - separated or not - I will be at court with H on the court date.

**Edit to say Happy (belated) Bday Storm - glad XMAS and bday werent ruined!**

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:22 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

Although the OC should not feel bad I can not imagine that they would feel good about either parent. I know a few and the secrets and lies told to cover things up are just so damaging. How do you trust or have faith in people when the two that concieved you are basically dishonest people. I have no idea how you get married???? Neither parent recognized or respected the vows of marriage. I worry about this with my children. How do they recognize a good man/spouse? Worse what if they just think cheating is normal and become WS. I have so much work do to teach them to be wonderful women who respect themselves and others. Also this is what makes me want to leave. I worry I am teaching them that this is ok and you just take it.