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OK, FWW and I are going away this weekend (first time since last December away from kids and only second time since A ended).

As background, well before the A (even before she ever met OM), I wanted to have sex with FWW "through the back door" if you know what I mean. FWW always refused saying that she thought it would hurt, etc. During a conversation in which we jokingly agreed that she could have an affair with Tom Cruise if I could have an affair with Nicole Kidman, I said that if she ever did have an affair then she would have to have anal sex with me. That became an inside joke whenever I suggested anal.

You know where this is going: she's had an affair. When I've brought this up, she acknowledges that "she owes me this" but really doesn't want to (using the same arguments that it would hurt, etc.)

But it really has nothing to do with holding her to a promise likely made in jest. It's deeper than that. There is nothing that FWW and I have done sexually that she didn't also do with OM. It's like, if we do this, it will be the one thing that is just ours, that she never did with him.

I know that anal can be a less than positive experience for many women, and I don't want to do anything that will hurt FWW. But then, I want some sexual experience with her that she didn't do with OM.

Am I out of line? I don't want to ruin a nice weekend away, but this may be the only chance (in the forseeable future) when we are totally alone without kids.

But it really has nothing to do with holding her to a promise likely made in jest. It's deeper than that. There is nothing that FWW and I have done sexually that she didn't also do with OM. It's like, if we do this, it will be the one thing that is just ours, that she never did with him.

I see this as an excuse to get something YOU want. Your wife does not owe you anal sex, period. You are bordering on guilting her into something she has not agreed to. My honest response if my husband approached me this way about anal sex would be, "you first."

I strongly suggest that you should NOT EXPECT her to do something she doesn't want to do. That's pretty insulting. Is that how you'd like your sexlife with her to be?

When/if she wants to IMO is the right time.

I understand the whole "she never did it with him" idea, but, that doesn't mean she owes it to you.

Talk about with her,learn techniques, and help her become more comfortable with it.

Wouldn't it be 1000% better if she was actually wanting instead of just willing to do it?

Yes, IMO you are out of line. I'm sorry, but as a woman, to me, that is an EXIT ONLY and there is nothing any man could do or say to make me put anything in there. Not only can it be incredibly painful, it can also do some damage if you're not careful. Pressuring her into something she doesn't want will only make things worse.

I get the promise in jest- my fWH and I used to joke the other "could" cheat if s/he bought SO a car- so does he owe me a car? No...sad for me.

If you want an experience she didn't do with him, ask her. There are literally thousands of positions, games, toys, whatever to do that I'm sure she didn't do with him. Make it a joint decision and it will be lots of fun!!

I agree, she doesn't owe you butt sex.

But what you may want to ask her for is some new experience, something for just the two of you, that surpasses anything done during the affair. Something you both might like.

This could be a poke in her behind, or something else.

I think it is fine, and even necessary in many cases, that you ask your fwh to bring into the marriage the wildness they put into the affair. Too often, they have the classic Madonna/where complex, or Good Boy/Bad Boy complex. They are not twisted, they think sex, or dirty sex, can't be a part of a real relationship.

Don't force it. Ask. Let her know that this is her choice, and that any wild thing she did during the affair, she can do more, and better, in a healthy way.

Good luck, and use lots of lube if she agrees ;-)

That is not the way you want to get this.

I mean honestly, do you want to be thinking about WHY she is serving up the rump roast?

The only thing she owes you after an affair is the truth, sincere apologies, continued committment, and fidelity.

Once you get those things in place... I bet you find a much better method of getting that those booty-spokes. lol.

Dont make her (guilt her) into doing anal sex unless it's something she wants to do. A or no A, every woman has the right to refuse to do something with her own body. You should NOT insist she do it. JMHO.

I mean honestly, do you want to be thinking about WHY she is serving up the rump roast?

t/j - rump roast end t/j

Please don't try to talk her into this. Seriously. If she's not comfortable with this, it's going to be awful for her, and quite frankly I'd imagine it would feel like a violation that she's gritting her teeth and bearing because she feels that she owes you. I don't think that's conducive to a good marriage.

You're kidding, right!!??

You want "this" to be the ultimate payback for her cheating??!!

Do you really think she or *you* will find that freeing ??

So, I have never posted before (story is in my profile, though) and mostly just lurk, but this one I have to say something.

A or no A, I do not believe that "insisting" a woman do anything she is not comfortable with sexually is ever acceptable.

I understand you are hurt by her A, but that does not justify essentially forcing her into sex acts, which they have a certain legal term for. The fact that you have to ask if this is out of line, imo, is pretty alarming.

BS here, while I totally understand your feeling of specialness, or that she shared everything with OM and now there is nothing of a sexual nature that is just between the two of you!!!!!

Asking this is over the top, she has reason to believe it will be VERY PAINFUL because it is!

I'm sorry, but she has the right to say no, and you should NOT guilt her into something that will physically and perhaps mentally harm her.

That is not the act of a loving spouse.

Please think about how you both would feel if that were the case, that you talk her into it?

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!!

Owed or not, right or wrong, forcing or insisting that your wife to do something sexually that makes her uncomfortable or worries her is really not going to have the results you're after IMO.

eta:

let me say that I don't think it's out of line to bring it up, like "So, hey, want to try that now?" If she is into the idea then have at. It is making it into an obligation that enters into the area of questionable, at best.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:56 AM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

She does not owe you anal greg888995, and you are out of line to push for it in this way.

The truth is our WSs do not owe us anything. There are things they can do choose to do to demonstrate remorse and desire to reconcile the M, but really no person owes anybody else anything.

Along the same vein, if your need is not being met in the M, you are free to leave the M.

I would not want FWW doing things for me that she does not want to do and will resent. Longterm, this would just be setting us up for resentment. I do not wish to R with a person who feels obligated.

I can also warn you that you are on a slippery slope of teaching your FWW that her primary value to you is in sexual gratification, that it is about the act and not her, and that she is powerless in sex. This could have longterm negative consequences for your relationship with her.

I would look for other things she and the OM did not do, like a trucly intimate emotional connection during sex. Candles, scented oil, dimmed lights and tantra sex music. Dress up like Tom Cruise. A French Champagne chilled and served with chocolate truffles. Go out shopping for a new pair of "hooker" shoes for her to wear to bed. I suspect that she and her OM did none of these things either.

Enjoy your weekend together.

--Ats

But what you may want to ask her for is some new experience, something for just the two of you, that surpasses anything done during the affair. Something you both might like.

This is what I really want -- I really do not have some overwhelming desire for anal (does that make me boring? don't all guys want to do that? OM sure as hell was desparate to do that with FWW!) -- something that is just us. To quote the Keane song "somewhere only we know." I guess I just lack imagination.

Greg - I'm hoping by the time you reach my comment, you already know that you CAN NOT push her for this, for many MANY reasons.

I understand about you wanting to have something that is just yours with her. So figure out something else that YOU BOTH will find pleasurable and can become a bond between you rather than a humiliating, painful, and UNWELCOME experience born of the affair.

There are so many new and enjoyable things you can figure out together. Buy a book if you lack the imagination to move past this offensive idea.

FWW always refused saying that she thought it would hurt, etc.

Your FWW has consistently told you that she doesn't want to do this. Listen to her.

I would be very resentful if my FWH was willing to risk hurting me for his own pleasure. You are putting your FWW in a very bad spot. She wants to please you but she isn't comfortable with anal sex. If you ask her to do this, she may give in to please you but she is going to resent it. If you ask her and she refuses, she is going to feel guilty. Neither of these scenarios will lead to a romantic weekend which is really your goal.

If I were you, I would drop the inside joke and stop suggesting anal sex. Your wife clearly isn't interested and it now sounds like a punishment for her affair. I get that you want something that is just yours but it needs to be something that you both enjoy.

greg888995

I understand where you are coming from, believe me I do, but this is not the way to go about it. My WW and I went through something similar as she never wanted to "take the top" because it was uncomfortable. guess what? OM got her to do it as a FU to me. This was a big point of contention her doing things for OM that she wouldnt do for me and I made the mistake of trying to go the guilt route. Just made things worse.

You want you WW to be with you not just in the bedroom, but in the marraige as a whole because she loves you and wants to be there, not because she feels guilty or afraid.

Yes I know, its easier said than done, but communication was huge here and a sense of entitlement like I used to have after dday wont help the conversation.

Let me first tell you that it hurts like hell, the only way she will get anything out of it is if she wants to try it and it is not forced or made to feel she has to do it. That will make her feel like she is being takin advantage of.

If she goes through with it, I will tell you NOW that let her do it, meaning do you push it in, let her ease her way into it and if it hurts to bad then let it go. She may also want to use a toy at the same time to ease the pain and make it more pleasurable.

It seems all men want it because they think of some shit that they wont even try if they are not gay. So let her stick something in your ass and see if you enjoy it... who knows you may. or maynot. All I know is DONT MAKE HER do it. She will end up having resentment towards you. And again... YES IT HURTS.

Dress up like Tom Cruise

Carefull with dressup like this, WW wanted Johnny Depp but I looked more like Chris Farley

WW or not, she has told you how she feels about anal sex. She doesn't owe you this regardless of the pain she caused you and your M. She wasn't receptive to this request, and I can't imagine any circumstances that would cause her to change her mind and want to do this.

I understand the frustration that she saved nothing just for you. That WS giving of themselves freely and openly to AP is so painful for us. I think we all struggle with that.

[This message edited by momentintime at 11:18 AM, December 7th (Wednesday)]