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I do take offense at someone belittling others for their desires and essentially telling them "no woman would ever want this cause it hurts". Or I'll do it after you do.

You can say this a lot more effectively without making your own sweeping generalizations. I do this too. It's just a good time to step back, take a deep breath and let it go since it's not really part of the thread. I think:

Why don't we try to offer creative sexual alternatives.

Should take the lead on this. For example, have your wife sit on your shoulders, but her happy bits to your face, braced against the ceiling with her hands. That's not something people do every day.

Greg, you are completely out of line. Bs, ws, whatever...if my spouse continued to even suggest an act that I had told him I did not want to do, I would be hurt, angry, scared...I would feel devalued and objectified. I'm pretty Damn sure none of these are things you want to make your wife feel, affair or no affair.

Your wife does not owe you anal sex. Period. If you want a new, different experience, there are endless possibilities. Use your imagination. Hell, pm me and I'll give you a few suggestions.

Personally, I think that you owe your wife an apology, for continuing to pressure her sexually. Rape by coercion is an actual criminal charge, you know.

People...

READ HIS POSTS.

He didn't say he was going to get her drunk and rape her, for heavens sake.

He has clearly stated he knew asking this of her was wrong and that he wouldn't pressure her to do it.

Gregg's just not a rapey kind of guy, y'all.

Gregg's just not a rapey kind of guy, y'all.

Is it okay to laugh at this?

I hope so, because I'm cracking myself up with it.

I'm not so much adding anything useful to the thread, though.

For example, have your wife sit on your shoulders, but her happy bits to your face, braced against the ceiling with her hands

Happy Bits!

Greg, you've got an arsenal of awesomeness in these posts! Maybe you can give us a general, privacy-kept report of the trip afterwards? We're all rooting for you!

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:00 PM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

I think you're out of line.

I just think that if you WANT to R with her, you can't hold something like THIS over her head. It's not appropriate, it's not healthy.

It will ruin any "fun" and thrill of anal for her, which could be possible, if you didn't do it as a sort of punishment.

Greg

First, I hope people will read your replies and relent in the criticism. Man, the piling on has been hard to read. Sorry you have to endure it.

Let me give you some of my perspective (nothing to do with anal sex). Like you, I desperately wanted to reclaim the sexual specialness of our marriage. But I realized, it was gone. She shipped it off to OM and there was nothing I could do to get it back.

But she could.

And there was the problem. Because she knew exactly what she did with OMs 1,2, and 3, she knew what could be done to reclaim some degree of sexual uniqueness in our relationship. But she didn't care. I would explain my thoughts and desires and BAM, like talking to a brick wall.

I asked her to read a few things related to this. Nothing. Talked to her in MC. Actually went backwards in our healing...

She could not get past feeling this was an obligation.

Finally, something got to her in church. She finally understood that if you truly were repentant, you made amends. And they had to be made from the heart. She had to want to give me back the specialness that she flushed down the toilet without so much as a second thought.

And when she realized that it really mattered to US, not just to me, she really went into overdrive thinking of things. Some of them I will NEVER forget

So, here is something to think about. Perhaps you want HER to willingly and proactively try to restore the specialness of your relationship and her reluctance or lack of effort is what is really bothering you???

If so, perhaps you should explore that in MC. And brother, I will be rooting for her to get it.

Finally, something got to her in church. She finally understood that if you truly were repentant, you made amends

Greg, take her to church!

That might just be the ticket to inspire her to want to try anal. If not, maybe golden showers?!

Greg, I think claiming something special for just the two of you is not too much to ask. Is there a fantasy your have you 2 could act out? Or one she has? There are lots of things to try, however I'm hesitant to start listing them...one person's candles and hot wax is another's vanilla sex, ya know?

Seriously though, maybe the two of you could head to an adult store and get some ideas, or buy some lingerie or toys or something. Claim or reclaim something as just for the two of you and try to enjoy your weekend!

I struggled for so many years with the issue of "there is nothing left that is just mine/just ours" -- so I know where you are coming from.

The solution is as someone else on here suggested. Get creative but in ways that she can feel ok with. Maybe "daring" or "edgy" to her, but still acceptable.

Are you going someplace warm with a beach or to montains with large stands of forest or to the desert southwest? While having sex in a cactus garden in Az probably is a bit too daring, there has to be something unique you can do in any location. And think of it as not having to be a unique "act" so much as a unique "experience" that she never had with OM.

Examples: I live in the midwest so my WW never, with OM, had sex on a beach or did oral on a beach or sat naked and fooled around on a deserted outcropping of rock as the waves crashed in. Those are all just mine. A hotel balcony on the beach with the waves crashing -- just mine and quite daring with other balconies all around. In the mountains? The middle of a thick stand of trees and a blanket to lay on can make an experience that is just yours. Again, just be creative and fantasize something daring that sounds exciting and special.

Gregg's just not a rapey kind of guy, y'all.

Thanks for defending my honor! In all seriousness, though, I've never been one who could "have his way" with women; always very concerned with how they were enjoying the experience. Indeed, one of the things FWW said she liked about OM (at the time) was that he was much more aggressive and domineering in bed, and wished I could be a bit more. That's hard to do.

Perhaps you want HER to willingly and proactively try to restore the specialness of your relationship and her reluctance or lack of effort is what is really bothering you???

That hits it on the head. FWW has always been reactive rather than proactive in my healing. Certainly understandable -- taking her lead from what I need or want at the time. I guess I need to be more communicative (even now at 2 years out), that I need her to be proactive as well as reactive.

Is it okay to laugh at this?

I'll conclude on a lighter note. I just got back from my annual physical -- complete with the "put-your-elbows-on-the-table-and-breathe-deep" exam!

Perhaps a little bit of instant karma for starting this thread.

Perhaps a little bit of instant karma for starting this thread.

OMG that's perfect!

Glad the original poster hasn't been scared away. Hang in there!

I think his issue is really tough. Do we really expect him to go wild in a hotel room? That is something many of our ww's did. So you'd be repeating the experience, minus the newness and forbidden aspect. Good luck. Or pretending to pick up a stranger?! The ww may have actually done that, so the pretend part just becomes sad. Public? Affairs involve public or risky sex often, since they don't share a bedroom and want to avoid credit card charges...

Sigh.

Keep trying, and we'll keep the suggestions coming.

Maybe you "pick her up" at a bar some night. Both using different names and go grab a hotel room.

I think she already lived this fantasy.

Hey Greg, are you singing Moon River now???

Sometimes even BS's need the occaisonal 2x4

I'm not going to touch the rest of the discussion and just focus on this - G, you are a year into R, right? At some point, for your R to be successful you need to quit keeping score. By that I mean let go of the "you did this so I get to do that" mentality.

That said - I think you get this as your later additions to your original question seem to indicate what you are after is rebuilding some specialness and intimacy into your relationship. That's great.

My recommendation, fwiw, would be to try to rebuild this stuff outside of the sexual realm altogether.

prior to meeting wh one boyfriend and i had sex in a park at night under a huge tree. it was fun until we looked over to see a raccoon sitting watching us. i can only imagine what it was thinking

Perhaps this.....

[This message edited by msk99 at 4:47 PM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

My honest response if my husband approached me this way about anal sex would be, "you first."

Couldn't help smiling at the above.

Seriously, you need to find something else that is special and exclusive to just you and her other than guilting her into this. She is obviously very uncomforta ble with the thought, it would be for you not her and quite frankly violating in its intent. I don't think you really want that do you? She will deeply resent you also. The payoff is hardly worth it.

I'm sure you're a man of considerable imagination aren't you? Get thinking about something emotional rather than sexually related that will make you feel you have the upper hand on her and the idiot OM.

Ellejay