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Greg doesn't want to guilt his wife into anal

Greg wants to have something that only he and his wife share.

Anal is all he can come up with.

Why don't we try to offer creative sexual alternatives.

Sorry Greg, I'm open but I'm not creative so can't offer any suggestions

Well, I hate to pile on ... but ... I figured it might help to have one more male perspective: If I have learned one thing or two about life with a woman it is that sex and sex acts are not something you can successfully demand. It is a bad idea. One way or another it is not going to end well.

[This message edited by paulb at 11:19 AM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

I completely understand where you're coming from.

I don't think "owe" is the right way to look at this, which is what would be implied if you were to "insist."

Circling back around to understanding, though....

I think that a big part of healing for BS's is going through as much reclamation as possible. Sometimes it's hard for us to go to the same hotel as the A took place, or eat at the same restaurant, or engage in the same sexual activity, but there's something primal about making these things ours again - leaving our mark, as it were.

I think the same goes for preemptive activities, which your topic falls into. Whereas I think it's totally ok to insist that the two of you take a trip to a place that she has never visited with anyone else, anal sex is an activity that can be construed as a physical violation to many women, not to mention painful. It's crossing the line to insist, but I do think you're well within your rights to have a conversation with her about it.

As a BW, I wanted to do something with FWH that he didn't with COW, and that happened to be this very thing. And we did. And it was uncomfortable (for the most part ) but I definitely got some satisfaction out of knowing that this was something that only FWH and I have shared.

So like I said, I get where you're coming from. If she says no, though, end of convo.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:25 AM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

Reconciliation has to be about successful repair and growth of a relationship - not about getting even, ever.

The reality, Greg, is that you have a weekend away with someone you have both a past and a future with. You both put in the hardest work imaginable to get there.

That's something only the two of you have between each other. Something the AP's NEVER get.

I'd approach the weekend as a celebration of your couplehood, and see where it leads. Bet you both come away from it remembering a wonderful experience, even if nothing 'crazy' happens.

My two cents.

Couple of comments:

This is a bad idea because she is unsure and afraid of anal sex.

This is not a bad idea because it hurts or "you go first". These types of comments just drive me nuts and seem to come from "feminazis".

There is nothing wrong with anal sex. If done properly it does not hurt and does not cause any harm. It is also very pleasurable.

Personally, as a man, I don't really care for it all that much as I prefer vaginal sex. However, we have done it and it was fun.

As for something that is just for the two of you, it doesn't have to be a specific position. Select a nice place such as Niagara and take a trip and have that be your special spot.

If you're looking for something spicy ask her what her fantasy is and help fulfill it. Maybe it's public sex (elevator or in a dark bar) or wear costumes (school girl or nurse or for you policeman or something. Maybe you "pick her up" at a bar some night. Both using different names and go grab a hotel room. There's all kinds of things you can do depending on whether you looking for naughty or nice.

Good luck and nothing wrong with wanting anal. Get a how to video and watch it with her, with no expectations. Make sure you tell her that...you don't have to do this but just in case you change your mind later wanted to watch this with you. But wait to resolve your marital issues first.

She has to be comfortable or it will be no fun for either of you.

[This message edited by JAR123 at 11:30 AM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

JAR123, How can you say it does not hurt? Cause the shit does hurt. However, it can be pleasurable also but it all depends.

And if you have a man that is huge then it hurts even worse. Dont fake the funk.

And I am not a feminist I just speak the truth that all woman dont feel it is pleasurable. it all depends on things.

I appreciate the comments. For the record, I will NOT be insisting on anything this weekend or anytime on this front.

Sometimes even BS's need the occaisonal 2x4

This is not a bad idea because it hurts or "you go first". These types of comments just drive me nuts and seem to come from "feminazis".

I was a proponent, and it hurt like crazy - and we did it PROPERLY. Maybe ask a doctor about what anal tissue is comprised of and what repeatedly inserting and withdrawing a penis might do to it. Even with appropriate amounts of lubrictaion.

As a woman who can find this particular act pleasurable, I take great offense to your callous and uninformed statements, JAR123. Unless you're willing to receive this treatment, please do not assume you understand what it feels like and insult those who are rightly nervous about it.

ETA: Sorry to t/j, greg. You don't need a 2x4, it was a perfectly fair question. I know you guys are going to have a fantastic trip!

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:40 AM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

Good choice !

And for the record, most BS do understand how you feel about the challenge of re-creating special-ness.

But still...good decision on this one !!!

There has to be somethingthat the two of you can do that is special between the two of you. it does not have to be sexual either.

anal sex is pretty impersonal, well it's personal because of you know.... but it's not special or loving or emotional.

You need to think of something to clam as yours as a couple that she didn't share with the OM.

I don't think claiming butt sex as your "special" thing has a good ring to it.

Have a great weekend! I hope it's relaxing and brings the two of you even closer together.

Thank you Jrazz...I competely agree.

Greg, I think you are making a great choice. I wish you love and fun on your trip.

JAR123, please post within the guidelines.

You can get your point across without name calling and being insulting.

greg, I am very glad that you posted about this. I think it is an important topic and the posts are good to help you and your WW work thru this.

I have to t/j really quick here though

There is nothing wrong with anal sex. If done properly it does not hurt and does not cause any harm. It is also very pleasurable.

Personally, as a man, I

PLEASE do not comment on how a woman feels about anal sex. You are a man. You do not know how it feels for a woman. There is nothing wrong with it if both parties are on board. However, for many of us women, it DOES hurt! I am a tiny female, and it even hurts when a guy sticks his small finger in that area. There is no way I can deal with something twice or three times that size there. Just because your wife enjoyed it does not mean all women can enjoy it. We are not all the same.

end t/j

greg, I think you got some very good ideas on how to make sex special for you and your WW again, but I think the best thing you can do to make it special is work on the connection. Look into each others eyes and build on the intimacy again. No matter what position you use, where you have it, what kind of toys you incorporate, the biggest high you can get and the deepest satisfaction you can get is when you feel that you and your partner are connecting again. Try some loving words and some tender foreplay and work on building the connection again.

Greg,

I understand you want to do something special. I agree with Rise-and-Shine. Im also falling short in the creative department though.

How about some nice lingerie? Or feathers. Or covered in massage oil?

As far as anal is concerned, why not take the crawl before you walk approach? I think this is something, (IF she agrees of course) that can be eased into very slowly. She may find that she never wants to go beyond 'play' but that could be a fun new element.

TMI, sorry

start with some light touching with lube or licking the outside first.

Hope you have a very fun weekend together!

Hmmm...making assumptions are we. About how well informed I am!

It hurts if you go to fast, too big and/or not enough lube. Doesn't hurt if you do it right.

I am a straight guy and have had anal with more than one girl. I have talked with them and have been told, done right, it doesn't hurt.

Additionally, I have used a prostate sex toy and it didn't hurt. Was a little uncomfortable at first but used a smaller toy until I got used to it.

I take not offense at someone not wanting anal. I do take offense at someone belittling others for their desires and essentially telling them "no woman would ever want this cause it hurts". Or I'll do it after you do.

What are you going to do when a guy says okay? There are more nerve endings in ones anus than in the penis or the vagina, therefore plenty of room for pleasure.

Fear equals uniformed and overly generalized statements.

I am offended by you because your response is "no way, not until you do it first". I'd have a lot more respect for you if you said, I don't want to do it because I'm afraid it will hurt or I don't think I'd like it or I've tried it before and have not interest. End of story, done.

Can you not see how abrasive your comment is...you do it first. I would have more sympathy if it was in response to repeated reasonable no thank yous, cause in that case I'd do the same thing just to shut the person up.

[This message edited by JAR123 at 11:52 AM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

i agree with Rise And Shine. anal isnt the issue so much as a means.

the issue is having something that only he has with his wife, something apart from what she had with OM. i totally get this...wh and i did EVERYTHING (minus anal) prior to his A. used toys together, did every position and found what really worked (as i posted in another thread).

now i'm left wondering what we could possibly do to bring back the spark in our sex life. anal has crossed my mind.

the true solution to his problem is communication! he has to talk to her to find out whats going in her head to really solve the problems in bed.

I am the one who made the comment "you first" so not sure if I'm being directed at, it's ok. It was said with sarcasm, not with fear or loathing of anal sex or anyone who desires it. I have been known to enjoy it myself, but it is not always a painless experience. What I was responding to was the tone of the original poster with the dang title of the thread "should I insist fww...". Insist. He wasn't just expressing a sexual desire but coming off as making an unreasonable demand on his wife. I'm not judging anyone's sexual wants or desires, but I do object with the method about how to achieve those things.

greg888995, you made a good choice. Have a great weekend.

Greg, I'm moving on from your OP and taking this into a more "let's be creative" concept.

When my fWH and I go out of town we joke about how we sure hope nobody is ever murdered in the hotel room we just stayed at, because we left DNA all over the place. What you need to do is canvass the place you are staying. You need it in the shower. On the bathroom vanity. On the ottoman in front of the fire. On the floor by the entry. You picking up what I am putting down? Tell your wife that your goal is to be walking funny by the time you get home. Look into her eyes when you make love. Tell her you love her at the O moment. OWN her.

No, you should not insist on this.

If she is a willing participant, it is one thing. But anal sex really requires that willingness---and relaxation, and preparation.

Not coercion.

Otherwise your wife's fears of pain are very well-founded.

Why is it so important to you?

ETA: Never mind--reading further, I see that it's not the anal sex that's important to you, but having that specialness between the two of you. I totally get that; I can relate completely.

I think the time away will give you lots of opportunity to reclaim specialness---I'm not sure, sexually, how you will be able to achieve that, because...well, all of our experiences are different. But I do think that if you approach it in terms of loving experiences rather than specific acts, you'll make a lot of headway (no pun intended).

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:42 PM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

if creative ideas arent out of line then i can say car sex was always fun (minus stick shift...) thats where our son was conceived.

prior to meeting wh one boyfriend and i had sex in a park at night under a huge tree. it was fun until we looked over to see a raccoon sitting watching us. i can only imagine what it was thinking lol