SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Has any BSs of LTAs thought about and acted on having a revenge affair?

That has been on my mind heavily...it's almost like she got away with having a LTA with NO consequences if we stay married... I hate where I'm at... I hate this!

Well, I thought about it, but it's not my style, and I have good enough boundaries that I don't even know where I'd start to look for an AP anyhow.

And, well, if you stay married then, yes, she does get to "get away with" having an LTA with no consequences.

No one said it's fair. As Dennis Leary says "Life's hard. Get a helmet."

The only real consequence to her if you stay married is that on some level you're always going to think shes at least x% douchebag. But she might not even notice that, truthfully.

It's not your job to "punish" her anyway. So, figure out whether or not you want to stay married independent of all the rest of this if possible.

And big hugs, be at peace.

Mandmr1:

Yes, I think about it a lot. I think that it might even things up a bit and make it possible to stay married. I know it isn't the right thing to do but so what? I would like WH to know what it feels to be betrayed and to have that special bond of intimacy shared with someone else.

Yes, I thought about it. I even had an offer. But in the end I decided that it would only end up damaging myself and WS, and that hardly seems the point of reconciliation.

A revenge affair is just an affair with the justification loaded in the barrel. If you're going to pull that trigger the gun is still in your hand and nobody else's.

If you need your WS to face consequences, you'd do better to find something that didn't involve compromising yourself to do it.

please don't do this. It just makes everything so much harder to recover from. My husband wouldn't call his a revenge affair but it was an affair, shortly after mine. Our recovery has been hampered by this. I out affaired him AND out exposed him. This has been so hard for him to get over but we're trying. We have both had to be brave and patient.

Not out of the woods but starting to head that way.

A RA just puts another obstacle in your way.

The first weekend after DDay was about the only time I thought about it. I spent the weekend alone because my W went to her HS reunion with friends without me (even though I begged to go, this was before I found out). I was home alone for the one of the worst weekends of our M, the W was having the time of her life, and I spent a lot of time going through her profile on Ashley Madison. I saw a lot of her "chats" (they only went back a month, but there were over 100 threads in there) and it occurred to me that the men on the other end of the internet had it made. They could seduce my wife for sex, have all the best parts of her for a couple of hours a week, and never have to do any of the hard shit. Things like earn a living, commute 2 1/2 to 3 hours a day, travel for work, pay bills, provide for the family, all the real life shit.

That was a pretty seductive thought to me. Why didn't I just sign up and get me some on the side? Some no responsibility sex with a hot housewife who has no boundaries and will perform for me in ways my wife wouldn't. And I didn't have to limit myself to just one, I could have multiple women, I could set them up in cities that I travel to, set up some secret e-mails, and have something to really look forward to instead of working 12 hour days, eating a shitty dinner, then going back to a hotel room alone to do more work.

But I got over it - it just isn't me. I wouldn't have been betraying my wife, I would have been dishonoring myself and all that I believe in. I hate cheaters, I hate all the collateral damage they cause because they never consider consequences, and don't give a damn even if they do. I've put my family above myself my entire life and I will never wear the label cheater. My tombstone will read "Faithful Husband" if I ever have one. Hers will just say "Wife". Betrayal is forever, you can't undo it, and it will stay with you your entire life. It will always be a part of our life no matter what road we end up taking. It's hard enough staying in this marriage with one cheater, I don't think we could make it with two. I have a lot of faults, I'm not a saint. I'm probably not a great H, just a decent provider. But I won't do something that will stay with me the rest of my life out of selfish reasons.

I say each to their own on the on the revenge affair. It's just not my way.

The only way that a revenge affair on my part could come close to exacting equal revenge and hurt on my WH would be if I waited until we were reconciled, he was comfortable in life and in our marriage and had absolutely complete faith in my fidelity and faithfulness. He couldn't suspect a thing, and then I'd have to carry on a year-long EA and PA at the same time that he was going through a life-changing event (say, if men could get pregnant). Then, 4 days before he was due with our baby, I'd drop the nuclear bomb that would implode his world and be sure to add that I wasn't sure if I loved my AP or if it was over.

That's a whole lot of work to just get revenge. And I'm clearly not cut from that horrible, devious, selfish cloth.

I've had 9 months to think about this and if I were really interested in getting revenge, the best way I could hurt him as he hurt me would be to file for divorce, take the kids out of state back to where I have friends and family, out him publicly, and fight for alimony.

The way I see it, though, is that the process and goal of Reconcilliation has no room for Revenge. Our marriage has never been status quo (I always thought we were in it together, carrying a heavier load when one needed the other to with the implicit understanding that we'd have each other's back), and that's really what a revenge fair is all about -- settling the score, making it an equal playing ground, and believing that two wrongs make a right.

I guess I'm lucky in that I'm clear-headed enough to get that (and did from D-Day). And he's lucky, too.

I have thought about it a lot.

No one remembers how great of a soldier Benedict Arnold was on the Continental side, or that he got the short end of the stick over politics. All everyone remembers is that he was a traitor to his country.

I don't want to be remembered as nothing but a cheat.

I thought about it. But I would be cheating myself. It would not fix the hurt and it would not hurt him the same. Now if he screws up again my revenge will be to ruin him everyway possible, professional, private life, and his finances.

This is kind of a hot button topic for me, so I apologize in advance.

I just cannot think of anything more of an UNhealthy decision to make. Out of the depths of this pain and betrayal, to consider "hey, I know what! I'll add even MORE pain and betryal to the situation" is so fucked up I can't even fathom it. Frankly, I think a revenge affair is WORSE than the original affair. That's right, I said it! It is a conscripted action designed specifically to cause harm and pain. It seems so cold and calculated. I rarely see the original affair as being such.

I just do not understand the compunction to consider this course of action. And, considering this is a site filled with people attempting to recover from the trauama of an affair, I can't see how anyone can think this is a viable course of action. //rant

Toward the OP (the previous rant is not directed AT you), I think people consider it. But to do so would destroy your own soul and exactly where are you going to go from that point? Do not add more shit onto this ginormous shit sandwich you have been served.

The consequences of your wife's affair are that she has to look at you every day, for the rest of her life, and know she did an unspeakable harm to you. She must face her inner demons. She will be forced to grow and change and become a better person.

If you cannot accept those consequences, then perhaps not reconciling is the better choice for you.

The only way it becomes a "revenge affair" is your spouse has to find out about it. You want to apply as much pain to your spouse as they did to you. Some here may say,"It's still revenge even if they don't find out. I get to enjoy what they got to enjoy".

I'm sure my wife enjoyed some of the affair at the time. The excitement, sexuality, attention. But she has told me how she was also feeling a great deal of pain, regret, and lonliness while she in the A.

It's your choice, but from what I read here and totally agree with, is do not do it!

Our cheating spouses have some serious issues which caused them to make this horrible decision. If you could put a survey on the Wayward Spouse forum that asked if you could go back in time and undo the affair?, what do you think the responses would be? IMO I think a vast majority would say the would undo it. But I also think in most affairs there are under-lying problems in the marriage prior to the affair partners actions or with the affair partner themselves.

[This message edited by helps2run at 11:30 AM, March 26th (Monday)]

Thought about it, didn't do it. I think many if not most BSs consider it at least in passing.

I have posted before that I don't think there is any way to "get even" or even get revenge on ones WS. There is no "even." Even almost 18 months past DDay I can't imagine that my fWH would feel anything close to the devastation I felt. After all, if he loved me that much, he wouldn't have done what he did, right?

That being said, I fantasized a lot about being with someone else. It was not about retaliation but was about 3+ years of total rejection and finally finding out it wasn't about me, and really wanting to remember what it was like to be with someone who wanted me. I craved affection from someone who hadn't hurt me. I didn't do it because in my rational mind i knew what I was feeling was a need for external validation: the same thing that led fWH to start his LTA. That, and I have better discipline than that.

I had thought about it but it's not only against my morals, it's against my better judgement. When I really stop and think about it, I realize that I'm just lowering myself to the selfishness, self-centeredness, confidence lacking individual that my WS stooped to. I know that in the end this would be something I would be ashamed of and never forgive myself for.. so I keep moving forward and trying my best to hold my head up. I'm finally starting to come to the realization that I'm not the one losing in this situation... she is... What am I losing? Love? Sure... But I'm also loosing someone who doesn't love, care for, or respect me the way that I deserve to be. She's losing someone who is completely devoted and committed her and was willing to bend over backwards for her to do anything for her that he could... someone who's love is so unconditional that even in his emotional fallout since DDay, and the shitty way she treats him now, still loves her with a passion in his heart. I would have to say my love is truly unconditional... but that love is something I may have to part with because at this point by allowing myself to be abused, I'm basically abusing myself... It's hard not to let it happen when you love someone that much and give them everything you've got...

EDIT: Sorry about that... as you can tell my WS and I are not in reconciliation... I just felt really strongly about this subject and ended up ranting on after I said my piece... it just felt like something I needed to say...

[This message edited by somberheart at 11:39 AM, March 26th (Monday)]

Mandmr1,

I struggled with this... now I don't.

I think many BS's go through a "stage" where we want to "hurt" our WS's as badly as they hurt us.

I think we want to even the score... You had your fun, I'll have mine.

You had sex with someone else, I'll do the same... why do you get to have that experience and I don't?

Truth is this:

a) They (WS) would never feel the same devastation. They would almost be expecting it...

b) it may help them feel better about their f**k Up

c) I would feel worse... as it goes against my beliefs and I have a moral compass even though he obviously doesn't

d) and I have three kids... One cheater as a parent is more than they deserve... and I wouldn't do that to them...

So yes, thinking about it and fantasizing about it is one thing... but acting on it... just not worth it in the end...

As I always say to my kids, "two wrongs don't make a right"

I think of this: "revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"... it's self destructive and ineffective... focus your energy on you and healing... it's a process that requires your strength, courage and self respect!

(((Mandmr1)))

The BEST REVENGE OF ALL....is going forth and living a KICK ASS life.

A RA was a passing thought for me, but never a true consideration. It passed through my mind along with a million other really nasty actions I could take to extract revenge.

Then I realized that there is NO WAY that a true A will ever be the same as a RA. It's a comparison of monkeys to elephants. Sure, they are both animals but after that, they are completely different.

I see engaging in a RA as a giving up of your 'personal power'.

(And I 100% agree with the posts of both ReBreather and SomberHeart.) Actually....since we all seem to be saying the same thing, I suppose that I agree with ALL of ya!

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 12:00 PM, March 26th (Monday)]

Tred and Lonely each expressed it well. I have had a couple of offers but I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror so I said NO. It would only make you feel dirty and diminished.

A brief passing thought for me as well. But only when i had been suspecting an affair the last couple years and was preparing myself for discovery. What stopped me everytime i had a tiny thought is having to deal with a dick head at home and having another to deal with at the same time. I knew it would be an emotional disaster. Only an ass would get involved with someone married, and another ass in my life just didn't appeal to me. I just started processing my life moving on.

After dday , for a couple weeks, in total shock, i was calm and spoke non-stop, making perfect sense about my future and his problems. I had already mapped it all out and told my husband that i was moving on and could see myself with another. A good honest life with someone like me that is incapable of such deceit.

I deserve it. I deserve to be respected. I said i was prepared to do the honorable thing and follow the proper procedures toward divorce, look after myself and be in a healthy frame of mind alone for a while.

It was not conscious revenge but it did snap him out of his fucked up behavior. His screwed up life without me flashed before him and he broke into tiny pieces of despair. He was not happy being that person. I can see that now.

I completely agree with Rebreather.

No, I don't struggle with it, because I couldn't/wouldn't do it. It would prove nothing. I wouldn't stoop to that level. And I wouldn't wish this sort of pain on anyone. Not my FWH and not even his AP.

The consequences my FWH is dealing with is having to help put me back together after he broke me. And he's seeing first hand how hard that is. He's filled with regret and remourse. More than I ever thought he could feel.

If I were to go and have a revenge affair, I think I would hate myself so much that I could never be whole again.

Thank you so much for the responses and encouragement... I'm just so stuck... I know it's terribly wrong and I don't know why those those thoughts are flooding me right now... I'm not like that at all.., maybe if I was like that I wouldn't be in this much pain and turmoil...

I often think, if I had a RA and she wouldn't care...