SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She also suggested that my H and do MC.

Belle, I'm glad your IC session went well and that the IC gave you homework. Did you tell the IC about your A? I'm surprised she suggested MC if you were going to go and not be telling the truth.

It has been my experience that MC is useless if you're not being real. How can it work if the marital work is based on lies?

Belle ~

what would you do if your H asked you, point blank, if you've cheated?

That's why my A with OM has turned my world upside down I always thought I'm not an emotional mushy person. I've never been vulnerable with anyone I would hear people talk about their relationships and how much they missed their spouse or boyfriend and how the other person completes them etc and I would think they were weak

and dramatic

Grace, we are constantly building the climate of our relationship. We don't make a commitment then all is good and if not then it's not right. We are the ones that shape that climate 24/7. Not just when we fight and have sex. We do it when we're short, non responsive, dismissive, detached, preoccupied. We also do it with smiles, attention, shared humor, sadness.

Even when we are pulled in another direction we're still building the climate of our committed relationship and now the new one.

The problem is the new one is adding even more negative to the original one. In fact, that now becomes the dumping ground for all negative feelings. The new one is the positive. I'm happy, alive, so I must be in the wrong place.

No, just the wrong person. You connected with the OP because you wanted a connection. You didn't have one with your husband so therefore it's because you two just don't work well together.

All humans crave connection. When we don't share ourselves we defeat that goal. Sharing with an affair partner is still safe. You control when you see, what you reveal, how you reveal. There is no forced intimacy of day to day living.

I'm not saying those feelings aren't real at all. I'm saying you could have those same feelings for your husband actually easier because of the foundation of history you don't share with the OP.

It's easy to love someone that's being created in our minds as we hemorrhage chemicals that give false validity to the depth of those feelings.

None of that helps as you withdraw from the high at all. It does help as you start to gain some distance and tackle the tough work you need to start for your growth and healing to see how those fade over time.

Everything fades over time if it's not fed. While we sometimes seem driven by feelings we're so very careless with them too. Ours and others.

I will say, I don't get from you that you think the way others want you to or do what you feel pleases others. You might feel like that because you are presently feeling like you're giving up something you really want.

You haven't, though. We want that connection. You don't know how to have one yet. You may be angry and rebelling against the adult part of you that's whispering just that to you. Coupled with some of the posts you're reading it's not feeling comfortable. Good. First step.

Now shovel in hand we go. Good job on IC. Great on NC.

Get this book. "Letting Go. A 12 week personal action program to overcome a broken heart" by Dr Z Wanderer. It helped in the first weeks of "heartache " which I have put in quotes bc that is what I found it was not true. It was grief from not having what I thought I wanted. the book has nothing about adultery so keep reading from the Healing Library on SI. Hopefully you can take the time away from your daily tasks or work too spend the time. I had to take a leave from work to focus on pulling myself together and go to ic 3 or 4 times a week.

In time, especially if NC (and if you don't see him at work like i do, ugh!) you will get over him and more importantly you will see that your affair was fluff. Yes you looked into each others eyes and felt something, but it was starry-eyed. Drenched with affair kook-aid. Whether or not you can feel that way someday with your husband, no one knows for sure. The moderators here are trying to say that the chances are better with full disclosure. They were right in my situation. Even though I had a dday, there were lots of lies afterward that I volunteered with and am so glad I did! It was very vulnerable to admit things and feelings to him, but guess what? It created greater intimacy between us. He hides his feelings except for anger. He is changing!

Thankfully bc I am back at ic becuase i am having triggers at work. I was able to relate to my husband that I need to work on me some more. I thought my ic was going to tell me triggers are being brought on by more stuff From sab as a child or issues with my mother. Imagine my surprise when she thinks it is more related to our past and current sex life. That's a whole different story. Anyway, I can now bring this to him and we can work it out together. I couldn't resolve this without his help.

I'm a bit confused in this thread betwen both grace and bellechica but I think my message is to both of you.

Hang in there. Keep reading and posting. .

Grace319,

Please start a new thread about your situation so members can give you feedback and keep it separate from Bellechica's situation.

It will be less confusing that way.

Thank you

Ok I feel kinda stupid but I'm not sure how to start a different thread lol. All your encouragement is soooo helpful to me I wish I found IS months ago. But happy to b here now, it's a relief to know I'm not alone or a basket case that can't get it together.

No need to feel stupid! We were all new once .

Okay, go into 'Forums' and find the forum that you want to post in and click on it.

On the upper right you will see 'Post New Topic'. Click on that and you can fill in the subject title and then write your post in the big section under that.

Read the forum descriptions to decide where you want to post. New waywards often feel safest in the wayward section and you can keep the stop sign on if you only want responses from waywards, or take it off if you welcome BS responses.

Uncertainone, your post about connection is one of the best I have read hear. It resonates so deeply with me.

I wish I'd found ppl to connect w to help me get my marriage back on track before the As.

MissesJai....I don't know what I would say but y'all all know I'm a lying "b**ch" so to be honest for once....I guess I'd lie. I'd do anything to keep my kids' lives intact. I'm in IC now and maybe if I get thru fear and anxiety issues I'll be different. I generally avoid conflict and disapproval but I've stuck it on on SI and LS this week even though the majority of people think I need to just come clean...one day at a time. One day at a time

Hi Bellechica,

I'm a fairly long time and frequent reader, rather infrequent poster. I feel compelled to say something on the subject of MC while hiding an affair from either your spouse or the counsellor.

I did this. I told my therapist that I was in an online affair. I minimized it, and she did not call me on it. She saw both my BS and me for couples counciling, knowing that I was involved with someone else and that he was in the dark. Now that everything has come to light, the knowledge of those bullshit MC sessions where BS was the only one in the room who did not know the truth has been an additional grevious wound that he has had to deal with, on top of my betrayal and OM's treatment of him while posing (to me) as his friend.

Additionally, my experience has been that personal growth in counselling mostly comes from the willingness to be real.

Given your circumstances, you might want to consider waiting on MC until you have worked through withdrawal and hopefully have more understanding of what brought you to this place.

Integrity is a tough road to pave but it's so worth it. You've made some good choices already in ending the affair and staying NC. I think your work will be in seeing the affair for what it was, and the AP for what he was. I know mine has been.

Best of luck to you from this fellow EvolvingSoul.

When my husband caught me during my last affair, he saw immediately that he had been lied to, on the average, for one day out of every week of our marriage. At the time, that was based on the one affair he knew of. It infuriated him. I think that fury masked a deep hurt, a deep feeling of having been cruelly cheated of something he could never get back.

When the truth about my other affairs came to light, he realized that he had been deceived for what may turn out to be more than one-tenth of his entire life. All this arithmetic may sound silly until you put yourself into the place of that person who was given no choice, who was doing his best to make something wonderful out of this life which is of itself so short.

It is a terrible balance and it is a terrible sin to let it accrue interest. For all of my failure to empathize in other areas, this is one thing that I was able to finally identify with.

I read about those who wished afterwards that they had not been told about their spouses' infidelities, and I feel that they are mistaken -- because they assume that had they not been told at that particular moment, they would never have found out. They do not think about the likelihood that they would have found out even later, with even greater pain attached.

There can be no statistics regarding information taken to the grave, only wild guesses. I look at the chain of events leading up to my exposure and I believe now that discovery is practically inevitable. And even if you are willing to take the chance, you still do not have the right to conceal and thereby create more pain.

Evolving soul thank you for your post. You're right. I'd probably not disclose everything to the MC if it meant my H would find out. I'm going to continue with IC.....I live in a fog and have too much fear and anxiety right now....

Belle: Can I ask you a couple of things?

Firstly, where does your BH think you are when you go to your IC sessions? I feel kind of funny about hearing you take a really positive step by going to IC, yet unless you tell your BH the truth it's another thing tainted by lies...an ever complex woven web.

Assuming your counselling is predominantly to help you deal with issues around the A, have you told the IC you BH doesn't know and have they passed comment on this?

The fact that that the IC has suggested you and your BH do MC is great, but leads me to think that the IC doesn't know you haven't declared the A to him and are intending to continue to hind this from him. Otherwise why would they suggest MC? I am unclear how MC would help you at the moment as if you can't be honest with the counsellor then WTF is the point? And for that matter if you aren't being honest with the IC I would pass the same comment.

Of course I am sorry if I am mistaken, and you have confided in the IC about your BH not knowing and your intentions around this. If so, what does the IC feel you both will get out of MC right now?

I went to our first MC session at Relate while I was still WAY deep in the A. It was awful, I felt guarded and attacked, like I had been dragged there by LonelyHusband.

We started duo counselling some weeks later at the tale end of the A. I broke NC several times during the start of this, most of which came to light soon after it happened. One breach of NC (the final one) was only revealed a couple of weeks ago. I can tell you that seeing the counselor's faces while you admit you had not only been lying to your BH AGAIN, but also lying either directly and/or by omission in front of them is deeply uncool. I felt shit. I knew they weren't really affected by my actions, just sad I wasn't really "getting it" enough to save my marriage.

I guess ultimately my message is this. Well done for coming here and seeking support. well done for seeking IC for yourself. But think about what exactly you're going to achieve if you lie or withhold in counselling. You'll be the one you're cheating. You'll be the one who loses out. This goes for the IC as well as the MC. Just food for thought.

WS only

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 10:55 PM, April 1st (Sunday)]

Takestwo,

I read your post and appreciate your input. One of the many wonderful things about SI is all the different perspectives you get when you post something. From that, we take what we want and leave the rest, and hopefully move forward in the process and get the help we need.

When I was done reading your post, I noticed your tagline and thought it was interesting, considering what you posted. I'm not being snarky, just saying...the post is totally inconsistent with your tagline! Something to ponder.

Posting as a member:

Wow... I guess since plenty of people have had affairs and they've never been found out, that makes it a good reason not to tell. And since the truth doesn't always come out, confessing for the sake of personal integrity isn't worthwhile? I guess those who confessed because it was the right thing to do had it all wrong.

I only WISH I'd had the balls to confess instead of dealing with the nightmare of my husband's pain when he had to confront me. At least when he did confront me I didn't deny the A, but that's cold comfort when I realize how badly the lies hurt him.

IMO, NOT telling is never about protecting the BS, but is always about the WS covering their own ass, and as long as a WS does that, the dysfunctional behavior of the A continues.

I was one who was caught. I didn't confess to much unless my BH had proof. I *did* confess to a few things that my BH said he would never have found out on his own. Not patting myself on the back for that though. I only confessed those things because I thought I had nothing to lose, that my M was over so why not? And I had every reason to think so. My BH had his stuff packed up to leave not once but twice.

As others have said, it's ultimately your choice to confess or not. No one can make you. But, IMO, you're not giving him respect, much less loving him if you keep it from him. He KNOWS something is wrong even if he doesn't know WHAT. And he'll think it's something he is/isn't doing. And by not confessing him you're allowing him to take the "blame". That, IMO, is neither respectful nor loving.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 8:15 PM, April 1st (Sunday)]

WS Only

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 10:56 PM, April 1st (Sunday)]

It really is one day at a time. I'm glad you're sticking it out here, even though we're pushing you to do something you clearly would rather not do. What I see, at this moment, is a Bellechica who lives in her shame, who would rather live in a complex web of lies as opposed to living in the truth, and who just isn't healthy enough to grasp how much damage is being done with the continued lies. I get it because I lived that exact same life. My hope for you is that with continued IC, you will become healthier and realize just how important it is to be genuine. Does your IC know that you haven't told your BH about your A's?