SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for understanding or trying to understand my pain. I came here because I don't know where else to go. Do feel like sh*t. Yes I do! Do I love my husband....yes! Was my ExAP an ass. No I hate ppl judging him because he hit on me when I was vulnerable but he didn't do it for sex.....good grief it's not all about sex! In the end he knows I came to him because I truly wanted to work on my M n now he and I both feel guilty. Please don't judge ppl you don't know nor situations you don't know. I am here to have support with NC. Do I feel remorse? Every day! Of course if I didnt I wouldn't be here. I feel like my life and my kids' lives are hanging on a thread. I can't wait to go to IC tomorrow.... You can't see my situation via your own experience if you haven't lived mine. I'm not looking for validation or sympathy ....i am just trying to survive right now

I've been in IC for a couple months now and it has helped me tremendously! I went thru the same thing as you...everyone blamed the OM and judged him terribly so I understand how that is. We all have issues...my mess has been a very humbling experience and has made me a more understanding and non-judgemental person. I have found that baby steps are better than NO steps. Good luck at IC and try to be as honest as you can so you will get the best results from it.

grace319 & Bellechica,

Yes some of the statements were harsh. Here's the thing though, they have all been where you are right now. And they have seen dozens of people come through here saying and doing the same things. The stories are all the same. The names are just different. They have heard every single pathetic line a WS can throw out there. Why? Because they too were just like you. They can catch the scent of bull a mile away.

Defending the AP doesn't go over very well. See, they helped you destroy your marriage vows. They are a monster and obviously NOT a friend of the marriage. To defend the AP from wrongdoing is a major slap in the face to the BS. (Whether they are aware of the A or not.)

Please be aware that SI is indeed a safe place. The moderators do a wonderful job to make sure things dont get out of hand around here.

Yes you're going to hear things you don't like, and a lot of that is because you're so new to this. Support isn't always hugs and rainbows and daisies.

Sometimes it's the harsh truth. You're not going to find support for continuing to deceive your husband. However, you will find support for working through your own issues, and we hope that doing that will get you to a place where you feel like you CAN tell him.

Look how long I've been here- since 2004. My A ended in 2003. I was just like you. Didn't want to admit that OM was a selfish bastard who used our friendship to groom me to cheat with him. He knew, because we were friends first, that I was vulnerable and he used that. We know that affairs aren't always about sex. We understand that it's always about something broken in the WS that allows us to make terrible choices.

What we're trying to do, Belle and Grace, is help you learn from OUR mistakes. We're practically begging you not to do the same stupid stuff we did- trickle truth, hiding it, denying, blameshifting. And do you know why we do this? Because we did it and IT.DOESN'T.WORK.

And you know the sad thing- like most WSes in the early days after the A ends, you're there, fingers in ears going "la la la la la! I'm not listening!" It's conflict avoidance, and conflict avoidance is what a lot of did to end up here.

So, please don't dismiss the messages because it's not what you want to hear. There are a lot of people here who have walked the same path as you. Me, floridaredman, and even Mrs. Panda. We've all been where you are. Don't do the stuff we did. Be better than that. That's why we're so vocal. We didn't save ourselves when we should have- so we want to help you to save yourself!

Keep posting- keep reading and work on stuff in IC. It does get better.

And Belle, my husband said he'd leave if I ever cheated. He's a man of his word, so I had no reason to doubt him. But... we're almost 9 years past dday now, healed, fully reconciled and very happy. You really don't know what your H will do- but it will be much harder if he finds out versus you telling him.

Wishing you peace.

I guess I feel like the AP is no more of a monster than myself...I appreciate wisdom of people farther down the road I know for myself I'm kinda in a fragile state and trying very hard to move forward and harsh comments or ones like I'm just one of thousands of people coming thru with the same old stuff make me feel stupid. Its like I'm in kindergarten and interacting with people in middle school or high school. I hope that made sense I'm not trying to be difficult it's just where I am right now.

I guess I feel like the AP is no more of a monster than myself

That's a hard pill to swallow isn't it? We don't like to see ourselves painted as a monster. But the truth hurts. We did this monsterous thing and owning it is tough. Admitting we did this wholeheartedly is tough. Facing the pain in our BSs eyes is tough. I HATED myself intensely for a couple of months there. But I had to come to a point where I said "Yes. I did this. I cheated. I am a monster. But no more. I will fix myself. Work to heal my marriage. I will be a better person that ever before."

Listen to Fallen grace. We have all been there. We're not trying to belittle you. We are begging you to not make the stupid mistakes that we did. Listen to the wise veterans. If they didn't care they wouldn't post.

Thank you what your saying makes sense. my H and I are trying to work on M- turns out we both have a lot of issues we weren't dealing with. Actually almost decided to separate tonight but after talking decided to hold off and keep trying to work thru everything that's happened. I have a question- only a handful of our close friends know about A or even that we r having problems. I want to say smthg to my parents about the fact that we are having some problems but then feel guilty about the worry it will cause them, but I don't want them to be blindsided either thinking everything is wonderful and then have to tell them we're separating? Not sure what to do?

I cannot advise you on that one. We didn't tell either of our parents. Mr. Aubrie's parents are divorced because MIL is a serial cheater. Mr.'s side of the family already has a problem with me. If they knew about the A I would be tarred and feathered by morning.

We are incredibly close to my parents. We trust them to treat us fairly and equally. But ultimately we decided to keep mum. I think Mom knows there are undercurrents of "something." But she respects our privacy.

Telling the parents is something you need to discuss with your H and decide what the pros and cons would be. Sorry I'm not much help on that front.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 11:13 PM, March 29th (Thursday)]

Don't you all get that I can't stand myself for what I've done? I feel like complete n utter Sh*t but I also feel better in having stopped the A. I feel hope for my kids..... And I don't want ppl saying I'm playing the "kid" card because my marriage wasn't horrible or abusive. It was negative when I was in the A because I saw the negative and focused on the bad. Ok it was a sexless marriage so that is bad....he and I have agreed to try to reconnect . I think we have to try

I think you shouldn't tell. A destroy so much but what's the point in rubbing in your family's face? If you're trying to repair and grow the M why hurt ppl. So many ppl see ONE way to right on here because it worked for them.....stop making every thing Black and White please people....life is complex!

Thanks I think I will wait and bring it up at IC and talk it thru with her.

Don't you all get that I can't stand myself for what I've done? I feel like complete n utter Sh*t but I also feel better in having stopped the A

Of course we all get it. Because we've all had that feeling, and still do.

Good for you for stopping the A! That is huge, and a big step forward.

I also want to add that my BH was another one who said he would leave if I ever had an A. That he was too proud and he wouldn't be able to stay with me if that ever happened. Well, I had more than one, and I trickle truthed him for over a year, and we are Reconciled, and happy.

You will hear things that are hard to hear here, but we do understand, and will stick with you in your journey.

My BH was never one I would have "expected" to forgive. The only reason I confessed was because I didn't care anymore and I wanted OM.

I was weak and foggy and downright mean.

We are Reconciled.

I was in a sexless M too. It was one of my justifcations. Our M , now, is better than ever. But that took a lot of hard work and most of all, honesty.

In retrospect, it is black and white.

I am pulling for you BC.

Gracie

My BH insisted on telling anyone. I doubted his decision bc I needed to talk it out, I'm that way, an open book. But he was oh so right! Reconciling is hard enough without making social events awkward. Thank goodness his family doesn't know bc we do a lot of social events and we just wink at each other now and both are so glad that we are together able to share the family moments. My parents DO know bc I told them immediately and it is a strain. My BH feels uncomfortable around them. It is much more of an ego thing for a BH than a BW. It causes my parents a lot of pain. They feel they have lost part of their family and I am their only daughter. I also had told Some of my girlfriends knew about the affair during it and after the fallout. We are no longer friends. My BH needed me to cut it off with them for his healing. A consequence of the affair. So in the end it is best to get your support from ic and SI. While I miss those friends I am now so happy my husband insisted on total privacy. Reconciliation would be so much harder. And frankly I don't think my husband could take it knowing the public knows. Plus, one person tells just one person, who tells just one person etc.

Good luck to you both.

You bring up a lot of good points. My BH said he doesn't mind if I tell my parents we are having some problems (no details) he is being very good about it. Just last night he thought best thing was to separate for awhile but I don't agree and after talking decided to hold off for now and keep working thru stuff. I feel that the added pressure of everyone knowing we are having problems and all the questions and talking behind our backs that will probably happen will be a lot for me to handle on top of everything else. I think if we separate we will just "do our own thing" which was a major part of our demise. We are both very independent people and have never emotionally connected like most married couples. I'm realizing it's because of issues of abuse in both our childhoods that we both only let people in (including each other) so far. That's why my A with OM has turned my world upside down I always thought I'm not an emotional mushy person. I've never been vulnerable with anyone I would hear people talk about their relationships and how much they missed their spouse or boyfriend and how the other person completes them etc and I would think they were weak and dramatic. I just figured because of past I'm just this way...I just ended up pretending to feel those things cause that's what normal people feel. Anyway my theory was shot to sh*t when I met OM immediately felt connected (as did he) and preceded to experience what I heard about all these years. To experience that for the first time after thinking not possible has been bitter/sweet. NC is certainly necessary and helping me move forward but if I can't find a way to connect with my BH that way I don't know if we will make it. I plan to do my part to do the work necessary to heal from the past and hopefully my BH will too. But truthfully since I don't know how or why I instantly connected with OM and him with me I'm still trying to work thru the pain of losing him. There is not a switch I can flip and just stop feeling the way I do for him...I wish there was. It seems to get a little easier as time goes by but it's a grueling process and I fear progress would go down the tubes with any contact.

Hang in there Gracie with the NC. I know it's hard as I am going thru it as well. There are times when I feel so low tears just flow without me knowing why. Getting out of bed has been hard but once I get up and going I'm better. I have to keep functioning in life for my family and career. I unfortunately work with exAP but see him rarely but I did catch a glimpse of him walking to his car. It felt like daggers in my heart....I get so nauseous and sometimes even vomit. I have never done drugs but I wonder if this is what "withdrawl" is like. Stick with the NC Gracie. I've been told it gets better.....I hope so and soon....

Grace

You are very right that any progress will be lost if NC is broken. It is so hard when you feel for someone in such a strong way. It does get easier. I hope your IC has reminded you that mental NC is just as important as physical. That means not listening to the music that reminds you of him, not peeking at social networks to see what he's up to. Visualize a stop sign when thoughts of him enter your mind. But if needed, take a grieving day where you cry it out and thoughtfully get rid of all mementos. They all lead to a slippery slope.

You don't have a profile so idk if your ap was married or how long your affair was. Mine was only 3 weeks before dday and it was like we were cut off abruptly. Tough. But I got over it. It took about 6 months to feel more in control. And I was still seeing him every day at work. I'm still working on the whys, I also had abuse issues in the past. I learned that they affected the way I interact with men. Sex is/was a major issue in my marriage and now that is where we will focus our mc.

Is your husband in ic? How about mc? It's exhausting but so worth it.

I also feel I am less emotional than others. I believe it was the rosy, excitement affair feeling that I enjoyed about the affair.

Bellachica, you're right. There is no ONE right way. There are also lots of "pretty good...for now" ways. Many of us tried those.

My entire affair was a pretty good for now solution. My ex knew about everything I did. I told him. My choices almost destroyed me.

Look, only you know what you believe, what your core values are. I will tell you if cheating and lying goes against everything you've ever believed in than neither of those things can have ANY part in healing.

Otherwise it's the same shit under a different name.

You're grieving a "lost love". This little pocket of memories with someone else will now become a "Bridges of Maddison County" collection of pablum used every time you hit a road block in your relationship...and you're gonna hit lots of them.

You'll pull it out and hold it up as a comparison. You never saw the OP in the harsh light of "party's over everyone knows". Watching him slink away pointing a finger at you. Think he wouldn't? You'd be surprised how "affection and loyalty" vanishes in the face of survival when the true meaning of both are obviously unknown.

Meanwhile your husband is working on reaching out to you and rebuilding your marriage. Look at him over the dinner table as he tells you about his day thinking he really knows what his day was like. Sharing with you something he maybe planning for you both...you both, like you're still a couple. He has no idea the OP is at every dinner with you, every quite moment, in bed, in dreams. How fair is that? If you can say "not" and then proceed, guess you have your answer. Do you not feel that's "rubbing his nose" in it? He doesn't have to know for you to do that...after all, who is doing that really for? You are already.

If you can't tell now, just post that and start at the beginning of your choices. We can focus on that for now. Baby steps. When did you first tell yourself what you were thinking was ok. Hint, it was before all this started. What was the first step in your detachment? What did you tell yourself about that?

Thank you both I can tell this contact with others is helping. I will try stop sign idea so many things remind me if OM it's a constant battle mentally to change my thoughts quickly to other things. We were friends for about 8 months although kidding ourselves in hind sight that we could just be that...last 2 months was when we crossed the line and so like you it ended abruptly....VERY tough. He is not married and 10 years younger and has a lot of issues like all of us. I am optimistic when I hear people say it will get better cause things often look hopeless. I wonder if I can ever get over OM and be able to connect with my husband that way? I am starting to believe its possible but barely....I never knew how it felt to be emotionally attached to someone and never dreamed that the pain of losing them would be this hard!! I am determined to work on myself and work thru my issues and learn to be authentic and present in my life as it is today... and not fall back into doing and saying what people want to hear and trying to be who they want me to be.

Gracie it helps me when I remind myself that the affair was just a fantasy world and that it made me see the negative things in my M and H to justify to myself for having the A. I now try to focus on what's right in my M and the good in my H. If I get those missing my AP feelings I remember that there were bad times with him too n I see how flawed he really is.....I know I'm flawed too but I'm working on it. Had my first IC today. It went well I think. I'm going to try some Cognative behavioral therapy techniques she discussed. She also suggested that my H and do MC.