SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Right now I'm sticking to NC with OM and focusing on improving myself and rebuilding intamcy. I am not sure if my husband would want to know or not. He and I have both admitted that we have let our marriage go. I know not telling him is risky even though in the book "not just friends", it's stated that most affairs go undetected. Yes, I'm the only one who can make the decision or not to disclose and I'm not here to just do what is popular. Yes I'm trying to preserve my own ass but I am also doing things like setting boundaries with men and being way more open with my husband than I have in a long time. I'm checking in with him and I'm focusing on the positive things in our M. Although I miss the "rush" the OM gave me, I'm relieved it's over. It was killing me and the OM new it. He knew I had to stop the A. I am here posting to stay strong and not repeat past distructive behaviors. No I haven't had a Dday but I'm at least motivate to be here on my own and to end the A. I am removing triggers that make me think of OM and I'm spending more time with my family who has my full focus now.

I am not sure if my husband would want to know or not. He and I have both admitted that we have let our marriage go.

Let's put it this way...Would YOU want to know? If your husband had been screwing around behind your back, wouldn't you want to be enlightened? "Letting the marriage go" is settling into a comfort zone. Letting the marriage go is not taking time out of your day every day to talk one on one. Letting the marriage go is the kids sleeping in the bed with you guys every night. Letting the marriage go is bickering over stupid stuff. An AFFAIR is hardly just "letting the marriage go."

I'm a confessor. Hardest. Thing. In. The. World. To. Do. I was scared out of my mind that he would walk. His own mother is a nonrepenting cheated. But you know what I found? An incredibly strong man. A man who listened to me. A man who was completely heartbroken but immediately said "I forgive you. Let's fix this. You have your second chance. Don't screw it up."

Is it hard? Yes! Does Mr. Aubrie have bad days? Yes. But we are working, healing, and getting better every day.

I will add, I'm not trying to beat you up about this. I just fail to see how a relationship can be heal and be "better" when it's build on such a massive lie.

Heck, maybe you'll be the lucky one who gets to stay in Unicornland dancing on rainbows.

I had a secret from 1994 that came out in 2008 that almost cost me my marriage. This while in R from my As in '06-'07.

Wish I would have come out with it in 94 when it happened. If we would have dealt with our issues and the fallout then, we probably could have avoided a lot of heartache.

A marriage based on such a huge lie is not a healthy marriage. I feel like if you are not forced to face what you've done, you really can't heal from it or do the work that is necessary.

Plus, the whole not giving your BH a choice thing bugs me. He doesn't get a say? Not fair.

I ended my A in Dec 2010 after months of trying to end it. I was relieved it was finally over.

I came to SI in March 2011 seeking support. I got that, and a whole lot more.

In April 2011, BH found a "talk soon, miss you" email to AP written a year earlier. I had left my iPad logged on to a secret email account that I had forgotten about after I ended the A. It was the DDay I was so sure would never happen.

A full confession followed. BH was suicidal at one point. It was ugly.

Countless others here have similar stories of attempts to move on without telling. But here's the thing...people with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Something, someday, will come back and bite you. It always does. You will live in fear of the when and how it will happen. You will be a mess. It will eat you alive.

Why was my BH so inclined to search my iPad? Because he knew I was up to something, and he had zero access to my employer-provided phone or laptop. I hadn't told a bold faced lie about anything I had done, but I certainly left out a lot of details. I thought I was so smooth. NOT.

We are separated now. It was the best thing for us and our kids. Had I kept things hidden, there would be no resolution for either of us. We would still be in a black hole of fears, resentments, and lies.

Good Luck to you, B. The single most important thing I have learned at SI is to live authentic, and let go of the outcome. We will all be OK.

The single most important thing I have learned at SI is to live authentic, and let go of the outcome. We will all be OK.

Amen!

Check your private messages.

I am not sure if you're referring to me about private messages. I don't know how to check ....

Bellechica,

When you get onto the forums page, look up top and there is a place where it says private messages.

Click on it and you should be able to get to it.

AN

WS Only

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 5:56 PM, March 29th (Thursday)]

I'm new here and this is my first post. I am trying to move forward after my dday last August. I know for myself the one thing I realized is that I wasn't living in the truth. I never dealt with the sexual abuse I endured as a child and I am realizing that the only good thing coming out of this whole mess is I am going to IC now to work thru those things and trying to work on M. It's been very difficult but I try and take it one day at a time. I feel for Bellachica in the beginning the pain of losing the only person I ever felt emotionally connected to was terrible! Like I said I'm new and look forward to reading more and using the info to continue to move forward.

Sorry for the t/j Bellechica.

Welcome grace319. SI is a wonderful place to come and read, post, and get feedback from so many others in this heartbreaking situation.

I feel for Bellachica in the beginning the pain of losing the only person I ever felt emotionally connected to was terrible!

We "get" that. Please don't think we're being heartless in Bellechica's case. We all went thru that withdrawal. Thinking we couldn't live without the AP. But let's be serious. An affair is a fantasy. A dilusion. The AP gets all the "best" bits of us. They aren't our real life. Real life is sick, screaming kids, bad hair days, car problems, boosting and breakouts, and all that crazy everyday stuff. It may not seem like it at this moment, but going NC, both physically and mentally, is the best thing you can do.

Again, welcome to SI. There's may great people here to help you on your journey. Also, check out the Healing Library in the yellow box on the left. Good stuff there.

Thank you all for being here. I came here because I chose to end the affair and I has no one to discuss this with. Although I miss my AP, he and I both knew it had to end. Yes it was fantasy and it was torture. I'm glad its over. I would sometimes cry to sleep at night wishing I were in his arms. But then I think about my kids lives being torn apart. The possibility they could lose their home. My AP wants me to reconnect with my husband too. He has let me go and promised to maintain NC. Right now I am willing to live a lie if it means keeping calm and peace in my home. I have seen the statistics that men are more likely to leave a WW than a BW and I also know that most affairs go undetected. I guess I'm willing to take my chances right now. I am starting IC tomorrow.....i know I need it.

I have seen the statistics that men are more likely to leave a WW than a BW and I also know that most affairs go undetected.

??? I wouldn't count on those statistics being accurate.

Good luck with your IC. Is it someone with expertise in infidelity?

[This message edited by authenticnow at 6:47 PM, March 29th (Thursday)]

I have seen the statistics that men are more likely to leave a WW than a BW and I also know that most affairs go undetected

Not a true statistic. Affairs are detected in one form or the other. While some men or women have no clue that it is an affair..they are aware that something is wrong with the WS. The demands for more attention or the ease of agitation. The out of the ordinary mood swings.

He may be interpreting it as something else..but he is detecting your affair.

No it's not a T with a speciality in infidelity. I think my H knows I have been unhappy for the past year and he may suspect something IDK. We are just starting to reconnect and I'm doing things he asked like not stay up so late or spend too much money.

Oh great, I love statistics. I got an A in that in college. Please, share that study with me. I would love to read it. Was it a univariate or multivariate analysis?

More excuse to protect You, BC.

I feel sad for your BH. He deserves to know the truth about the woman he is married to. Your ONGOING DECEPTION is mean and cruel. It puts you first. You remain in control with no consequences.

Your BH has no (or little) idea that you pine after your AP.

How can you live with yourself, woman?

A facade of a M, built on lies, is no M.

The AP wants to free you to go To your BH. What a dumb fuck. He already fucked you. He doesn't want to marry you. Don't you see what a fool you've been?

This is the last thing I'm going to say to you for now..

Your own guilt is going to kill your marriage. Kill it dead.

How long do you think you will be able to keep up this facade? And the ground you think you're gaining with your BH, when he finds out what you did will be lost..totally lost.

Remember what threw it away told you...it wasn't all her affairs that made her BH just say it's over for good. It was her willingness to deceive and lie to him for so long.

That is where you are going..that is where you will end.

I don't know you..but I've known many like you. I've helped them. some made it..some didn't. Those who made it...confessed.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 7:50 PM, March 29th (Thursday)]

Mrs Panda...

Please take it easy...your last post was very hurtful.

You may not agree with Bellechica...but knocking her upside the head isn't always the right approach.

Thank you.

Wow! Honestly the comments from Mrs. Panda are kinda turning me off....it doesn't make me feel safe to share honestly :( for fear of being judged and attacked like that. I'm trying to regain clarity and get my voice back and have the courage to say what I'm really feeling and thinking and not be afraid but be empowered to face my issues and work thru them. Bellachica I have found that living in truth is scary but it frees me from other peoples expectations and/or limitations and allows me to just be me. It may not be pretty at times but living a lie takes its toll....I know I did for most of my life until recently. Don't give up-you are worth the effort :)))