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Didnt you say they had had some sexual contact? If so this is not an EA,it's a PA. Just because OM lives in another state and they cant be physically together right now doesnt mean its not a PA. It sounds like its a PA and an EA.

And Hell no she cant be friends with him.

And if you are the one paying the phone bill...stop paying the bill. Better yet,call the phone company and turn her phone off right now.

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:18 PM, April 13th (Friday)]

traildad - stay strong. No need to tell her you've exposed. You need to stay steadfast on the NC piece. NC really means NC.

If she tries to suck you into the 'controlling' piece, either just don't play...literally don't engage, or tell her 'I am not controlling you. You have a choice and may talk to and be friends with whomever you want. I also have a choice and will not stay married to someone who continues to have ANY contact with an affair partner.'

You are taking the right steps.

Strength to you brother.

No! Don't tell her you've exposed, because you've really haven't!!! You've told a few friends of the marriage, but not to those that will call her out on her disgusting acts!!! Expose to her and OM's family!!!!

NC is my minimum requirement for even discussing our M. It will take much more than that to save it.

Now she is absolutely furious that I exposed to anyone. Gotta stay strong. Brutal.

She keeps saying I am controlling her by telling her who she can be friends with, etc. how do I avoid getting sucked into these no-win arguments?

By telling her she is free to choose whatever she wants, you are only informing her of the choices she has.

She is the one who is trying to be controlling, by forcing you to live with whatever she decides regardless of your feelings.

I told her about the friends that I had told. I am hoping she will reach out to them. Although as I type this I realize she may not reach out to them now, ooops.

You are doing so well!

Do not give an inch. It's NC, or divorce.

And not just NC, but NC while begging to find any way to make it up to you. Don't accept NC with "this is all your fault and you've ruined my life and I hope you're happy now."

You are entitled to have a wife who wants to be with you 100%. Anything less than that does not deserve that role in your life. That's why "fine I'll go NC but I'll hate you forever" is not an acceptable attitude in R.

Everything she's doing now is common stuff. The anger, the blame, the bargaining, it's all part of how they react in order to try to keep the cake. She'll do whatever she can to get you to back down. If she hasn't already, she'll tell you how you are going to ruin the children's lives, how you are destroying the family, how you are responsible for hurting her and turning everyone against her. You are the one who is so mean, you are the one driving her to him (nice circular argument.)

What you need to do is just shut off your ears. Take the kids to see a movie, and ignore all the rants and blames. Don't respond. Just go about your business getting your ducks in a row, and see that attorney ASAP. If you don't have one lined up yet, talk to your friends and get a name over the weekend.

If you're open to R in any way, shape, or form, write up you NON-NEGOTIABLE list of requirements. These are your boundaries, so they are for you to decide. You are not 'controlling' with them, you are letting her know what you will accept and not accept.

Just remember to stay strong against the pleas, bargains, and cries. This is the zombie crying out from the swamp, trying to beckon you in closer. Pitiful as it is, don't go there.

My H did the same thing. File for D right away and don't look back. After I served the papers, H decided to come back. I gave him another chance only because I was pregnant and the holidays were coming back.

Maybe if she pulls her head out of her ass and wants to R make her work her ass off to get you back. Otherwise, she doesn't deserve you. Don't get walked all over and don't live in misery, because of her bullshit.

Read what Marzi just posted, and keep reading it. There's your primer.

Nuke bomb the affair. If nothing is wrong with her affair with her cousin, then it shouldn't matter who knows, right? Certainly her mom should know of this wonderful 'friendship' - especially since they are 'just friends'.

Expose away. If she has nothing to hide, there should be nothing for you to worry about.

She's approaching you like she's buying a car. You gave her the price and she is now bargaining. Maybe not complete NC? Ok, NC but not MC/IC and no ownwership of the affair?

But you're NOT selling a car. This is your life. If she wants to R you have to demand NC, remorse, no blame shifiting, no minimizing, own her shit.

Otherwise you're going to crash and burn.

Good for you, traildad!

I would expose to her mom. Her mother already saw her behavior over Easter, and knows something is going on. Her mom will be able to point out that's not "just friends" behavior.

Been a little while since I updated. Well, after our confrontation noted here she chose D over NC. I exposed to her mom and some friends. That seemed to have very little effect on her.

I have detached, but we still live in the same house for financial and logistical reasons, gonna have to until the school year is over. She still mentions being undecided on D sometimes, but she still talks to OM daily, so I dont take her mentions seriously.

I haven't filed for D yet as she has shown a willingness to work it out peacefully. If we can do it through mediation instead of lawyers it will save us $10k+. I am prepared to file if I get the sense that agreement is unraveling.

I am mostly at peace now. Thank you to everyone here for their support giving me the courage to stand up and not settle for some limbo land. I see a future of hope now.

[This message edited by traildad at 9:21 PM, April 25th (Wednesday)]

Stay strong for your kids bro. Feel bad for you she choose D over NC. Just stay the course and it will get better in the end one way or the other.

I just saw/read this on a divorce site - guy knew he was going to get a divorce - played nice and I think the wife was actually cheating anyway. But I digress.

He cut back on his overtime lowering his income by 20,000 a year (temporarily) as this affects spousal and child support - then since the wife was out all night or most evenings he documented that he was the primary caregiver for the children and kept a diary.

When they did divorce, he got custody of the kids because I guess the goal is to keep their life as close to possible at the time of the divorce.

Just something to think about.

I haven't filed for D yet as she has shown a willingness to work it out peacefully giving me full custody. If we can do it through mediation instead of lawyers it will save us $10k+. I am prepared to file if I get the sense that agreement is unraveling.

Jump on this as soon as you can. Her attitude will change. Guaranteed. And I do hope you see a lawyer, even if you don't use one. Be very careful with that. You can have one and not fight; you just have to know that all the i's are dotted and t's crossed.

She still mentions being undecided on D sometimes, but she still talks to OM daily, so I dont take her mentions seriously.

This suggests to me she isn't taking you seriously... I wonder how she would respond if you cut this off with: "The decision has been made. Period, it was made when you chose OM over our M."

Now I confess, I am hoping that will wake her up, but sending the message that it is not HER decision - is a good idea, either way.

As take2 said, even if she isn't taking me seriously this is giving me time to document time spent caring for kids, etc. I have seen a lawyer and a lawyer will handle all of the paperwork in the end to make sure everything is in order. I have about a 6 week window to "play nice" and see if we can do it that way, in the meantime I'll be getting everything in order to support my case. I really think the outcome will be similar whether we go at it in court or agree ahead of time, but if we can do it alone we save big $$.

[This message edited by traildad at 6:50 AM, April 25th (Wednesday)]

traildad,

I'm a huge proponent of ending a marriage amicably. Smart folks realize that in most cases the legal end is just like ending a business partnership.

Having said that, you cannot even begin to negotiate until you've spoken with an experienced family law attorney in your area. Your WW doesn't need to know (and shouldn't know) that you've consulted with one. Any good attorney will give you 1-2 hours of time at standard rate to go over the basics of the law in your state, the possible range of outcomes should your situation turn ugly and litigious, and even a checklist of things for you and your WW to discuss/include in the settlement.

In my case, I paid cash for this service and my WH had no idea. And that discussion was incredibly informative and helpful. It helped me craft my strategy and directed me to the documents and information that I needed to gather (some of which I did without my WH knowing).

Even if it costs a few hundred dollars, it will be worth every penny.

Trail

You mention a six week window. That needs context. That may be a legal window, but the reality is probably a lot smaller.

Believe me, she knows what she is doing is horribly perverted and wrong. A mother will not easily walk away from their kids to fuck her cousin. She is going to at least have a partial awakening, probably pretty soon, and it may manifest itself as her fighting for her kids. She is a sick woman, so do not put it past her that she will think it is a great idea to have cousin be "Daddy" to your children.

You may need to accelerate your negotiations while she feels that cousin is not interested in the kids and she is more interested in him than anything else. Use her delusions to get custody, because MY GOD MAN, can you imagine having your children raised by a woman who would destroy her family to have sex with her cousin????

Do it for your children. They do not need this immoral dysfunction thrown in their face on a daily basis.