SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so sad. My husbands underwear is covered in lipstick only on the crotch area and no where else.

This all started yesterday when my husband was nervously looking at my newly done laundary pile in the living room that was not sorted yet. He just blurted out out very randomly that his underwear had red stuff on it. I was pretty confused because I didn't know why he was telling me this. I was thinking that the red clothes may have bled into his underwear. I asked him why he just blurted it out. He said he just was telling me. I was like...Ok?

He then proceeded to tell me that he had told me about this same pair last week with the same "stain" on them and that I acknowledged what he said. I can be an airhead at times, but something like that would stick out to me just like it did this time. So I seriously doubt that he had already told me last week.

I thought about it and I asked him when he told me last week, like was it morning when I was sleeping or evening and what room were we in. We have a small house, he should have been able to tell me something like that. He got mad and said he didn't know.All he could say is that it was not in the morning when I was sleeping. You could tell me anything in the morning and I won't remember it. I think he should be able to tell me when it was he told me that. I definitly would remember that.

I asked him what he did with the underwear last week after he supposidly told me about the underwear being stained. He said he through them in the wash. I asked him why he didn't show me if it was such a big deal but he couldn't answer that. He just looked away. He was literally talking to me with his eyes looking the other direction.

I asked why he showed me this time. He said that last week he put them in the wash again and they ended back up in the laundary pile. He took this pair of underwear from the laudary pile without looking at them and put them with his clothes for work for the next morning. He said that he noticed the spot on them again yesterday morning and put them back in the dirty laundary again. I washed what was on top of the dirty laudary pile yesterday.

When he saw the pile of laudary that is when he told me about the underwear and we've come full circle to him telling me about the stain.

Honestly, he didn't tell me about them last week. He says he put them in the wash and then this week he saw the stain again and put them back in the wash. Something isn't adding up! Why would he even tell me about this? I really feel confused.

The stain isn't red it looks more like a pearly pink, even after the wash. I'm pretty sure that lipstick does NOT come out in the wash because it is usually oil based. Also, it wasn't me and it isn't even my color. The "stain" goes is only on the outside part of the underwear not the inside.Its right at the top of the underwear, you know, in the right place!No where else on the underwear. A true stain of something else would have gone all the way through, like juice or something.

I could take pics. I'm really sad today and I just feel devastated. I have a lot going on in my life right now and this is all I needed.

If this isn't in the right section please feel free to move it. I am considering getting a forensic examination of them if possible. It may seem like overkill, but if its not lipstick then why be sad about it, right?

Please help and please be kind. I feel sad now and am starting to have a physical reaction to this.

(ps I had posted on another site, but now that site will not load up, maybe its down so if you see this as a duplicate if you're on that site too, its not, but I just need to talk to someone.)

Here are pictures. The stains are in the "right" area IYKWIM.

http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s83/tyler02baby/cheating/IMG_0690.jpg

http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s83/tyler02baby/cheating/IMG_0693.jpg

http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s83/tyler02baby/cheating/IMG_0695.jpg

[This message edited by itsovernow at 10:07 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)]

welcome to si itsovernow

given his reaction, trying to backtrack, gaslight and making such a big deal out of this...I'd be wary. very very wary.

you'll find great advice here and support.

Hi, yep, thats what I'm scared of. I'm starting to have a hard time getting through this day. I feel light headed and just drained.

After almost 18 years and 5 kids I can't believe this. How can he deny this? I have given my life to this man. I have done nothing but raise kids. I have no skills and absolutly no family. My dad is in another state and molested my sister and my mom has had 5 strokes and I'm dealing with the latest one right now. What do I do?

first, breathe. you don't have to make any decisions right now. take this one second at a time, one minute at a time.

next, form a plan. take notes, document his whereabouts, check his phone, email etc.... gather information.

whether you decide to confront him with this is up to you as far as if, or when. when/if you do, be prepared, have your ducks ina row and be ready for more of the same (trying to cover up, back tracking, changing his story etc..)

most importantly, take care of yourself. eat what/when you can. sleep when you can. seek out help here and with a qualified ic. read as much as you can and post as often as you need. you're not alone.

We pretty much had a confrontation last night. He just kept saying it wasn't lipstick that it is something from the wash. How in the world is that something from the wash? Right in the right place too?

It seems pretty cut and dry. I feel devastated. I just had a baby in September and I've been dealing with my mom's illness and lots of fighting between my two older sisters. I just don't even feel like I'm really here right now. There has been so many things in the past that I've just looked over and listened to his lame explanations, but now it makes sense.

So sorry, itsovernow. You KNOW what the stain is - don't let me him treat you like you are crazy. Get the underwear back if you can and find a hiding place for them and the other evidence that you will be collecting. Take a deep breath and start investigating. Get as much as you can as fast as you can. I am so sorry that you have to go through this but you are not alone. Keep posting on SI and read the Healing Library to help you get through the next days, weeks, and months. We are here for you.

(((itsovernow)))

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I looked at the pics and it's definitely what you think it is! For now, I think you should pretend to believe him and go into detective mode. Check his phone, computer, your home phone calling records, and you might want to consider hiring a P.I. If he thinks you are doing any of this, he will 'go underground' and it will be a lot tougher for you to figure out what is going on. Usually, it's a co-worker or even someone previously thought to be a good friend. Keep multiple copies of your evidence in several different places, so he can't destroy it. If she has a husband, you'll need to provide the evidence to him, as well, but don't tell your H you are going to do that until after it is done.

Try to take care of yourself. Stay hydrated. If you can't keep food down, go with protein shakes. Get tested for STDs ASAP- I can't stress how important that is! Know that this is NOT your fault and though you may feel shame and embarrassment, you have done nothing wrong and the shame should be his to bear. Read up in the healing library: http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp and you need to consult an attorney to see what your options are. You don't have to file, it just makes it easier to know what you're looking at should it come to that. Again, all of this has to be done without your Hs knowledge. *sigh* I really am so sorry you are dealing with this. Hugs.

Take another pair of his undies, put some of your lipstick on it, chunk it in the wash just like you do his, and then see if it looks the same.

Trust your gut here. I think you are on to something. I'm sorry.

I know that everyone is responsible for their own actions. I can't help blaming myself, though.

1. I am not as thin as I used to be. I've had 5 kids and my stomach is pudgy although I have been trying to eat healthier.

2. I don't like oral sex. If he had insisted on it, I would have done it, but I never enjoyed it. He's not circumsized and he is very smelly down there.

3. We have not had the best relationship. It seems like were always arguing about something. Maybe I pushed him to this by being so emotionally demanding and wanting a better life for our children. We're always barely making it.

I could go on, but I won't. Maybe its because I'm older He married me at 16, I'm now 34. He's almost 40. He's not a bad looking guy and he's in good shape so that is probably why he did what he did. He works as an electrician and he's always in people's homes with ample time to meet someone. I feel so alone.

((hugs)) Sorry to say that it sure looks like lipstick. Based on what you have said, I think you already know, and I am so sorry for that. It sounds like he is doing something my FWS did, make YOU feel crazy to cover up his tracks. He certainly seems to be feeling the heat with the way he is acting. I agree with the other posters, try to remain calm and try really hard not to do any further confrontation about it. Start digging on the computer and phone records. Consider a keylogger for his computer. And, please please please take care of yourself! Keep us posted. We are here to help!!

STOP THIS THINKING RIGHT NOW!! You are absolutely NOT to blame for the selfish choices that your H makes, regardless of the state of your marriage. My H tried to blame me as well. Yes, our marriage had difficulties. Yes, we were both unhappy and lonely at times. However, he was no more lonely or unhappy than I was. While I was trying to make our marriage better, HE was devoting the majority of his time and effort to having an affair. And while I had an emotional breakdown after D-day, he chose to continue the affair. Nothing that you did or didn't do caused him to make those choices rather than work on the marriage. Please believe this, REALLY believe this. You can own some of the responsibility for your marital issues, but you CANNOT own his decision to break his vows.

I did as you said and I took a pair of his disgusting, but clean underwear. I put on my red lip gloss, kissed it and honestly it looked EXACTLY the same - the color. I stuck them in the wash with other clothes that needed a wash and used Tide. If that doesn't get it out nothing will.

I feel SO sick. I can't believe I have to get tested for an STD. I've been clean my whole freakin life!!!!! I'm so sick. Good news is that I did get tested when I was preg with my daughter and it was negative. Its CT state law that a preg woman has to be tested.

Sorry you found yourself here, know that you are not alone. I have been a wife and mom with no skills either. It is heartbreaking and devastating to know the person you devoted your life to has treated you so poorly. Not to mention where do you go from here. There is always hope somewhere. I have begun a career I would never have even thought about if it wasn't out of necessity. So, don't despair too much. There will be something that will come along. Don't give up hope.

Document it all. See if you can remember all his "explanations" of stuff. Keep track of it all.

I honestly think he must be rather dimwitted to be honest. I mean why not throw the underwear away? Since he isn't good at hiding things you will probably have a trail.

So, places to start... Phone-check text messages, contact list, e-mails he gets to his phone. Computer- e-mail accounts, browser history, social media sites (chat logs) and anything else there might be.

If you find something I would just gather the information for now. He is just going to lie and do what we call gaslight. Which is they change the reality and try to make you believe the reality they explain to you. So, gather your proof. Work on finding something you can do to support yourself if the worst happens. Take care of yourself, eat, sleep, exercise and take care of your kids. Find some way to de-stress too. Yoga, long walks, meditation what ever works for you.

Remember you are not alone and we are going through the same thing. We are here for each other and will be here for you. I think a forensic analysis would be awesome. Have no clue how you would go about getting one, but it would be some proof for the eventual confrontation. However, that should be when you have enough proof and a time of your choosing. When you feel strong and are in a place where you can take care of yourself if needed. I actually have a friend I can go to if I needed to leave. Family isn't an option for me either, but my friends is. Sometimes in our dark hours we don't see all our options. Good luck and remember we are here for you!

(((itsovernow)))

I just don't even get why he even brought it up. Why did he tell me. Did he just freak out because he saw the laundry, why didn't he just through them out? I just don't understand.

I am sorry hon , I saw the picture.Please read the Healing library as you will find a lots of help .

Oh......oh dear....

I know you are thinking one way...but, please look for additional "evidence" to support your theory.

I use TIDE...and it changes the color of the original stain....

Also, make sure you look in the dryer for anything that could be a base color... crayons are notorious little oil based devils...

I'm not making excuses for him or anything...but, you also want to ensure that you look for all possible other avenues....

You are not to blame for this!!!

Okay, if he is smelly down there so you don't like to give oral, have him wash first. I talked about hygiene with my WH and we are on a better track now. Of course this is our road to R. You may choose not to do this.

Visit the Healing Library. It has a lot of good articles for us BS. It takes 2 to have a good marriage. It takes 2 to rebuild a marriage. It also takes honesty to keep a marriage. So, remember he is lying to you. As long as he lies to you then there is no chance for change there. Save the underwear and the test underwear for a special day of your choosing. Remember to be in control and not let him be in control.

Wolf, I see you answered my question before I even wrote it down, Yes, he must be dimwitted to bring it up and not throw them away. I wished he would have just thrown them away. This is too much to go through now.

I've had a lot of different things happen over the years. 1 being I found a very thin long blond hair on his clothing about 8 years ago. I've found semen in his black underwear about 11 years ago, He "gaslit" those very well because I'm still here. I woke up and found him gone when he still should have been home. He didn't answer his phone. This was about 6 years ago. Maybe I just married a cheater. Maybe he's been this way forever and covers it up.

Oh dear God sweetie. I am so so sorry.

Yep, looks like your H had himself a nice lil blow job, and the reason he mentioned the 'stain' was because he was trying to do damage control. I'm sure he figured you had already seen the stain. I'm sure his guilty conscious never imagined that you would simply over look it thinking that it was just a matter of another fabric 'bleeding' onto the underwear.

I am so sorry.

Okay breathe.

And take one step at a time...

Get tested for STD's immediately.

INSIST that he be tested also and that his doctor needs to call YOU with his test results. This is no joke. This is serious serious business, and if this SOB can not comply with this simple request, KICK HIM OUT!

And PLEASE quit blaming yourself!

This is ALL on him !!!!!!!!!!!!

Start digging...

Check phone bills, credit card bills, hire a PI, what ever, to get the info you need if he is not forthcoming with info.

It is completely possible that this could be a one-time fuck-up that he may never repeat again, OR it could just be the tip of the iceberg....(unfortunately, what we first find is usually just the tip of the iceberg )

Again, I am so sorry.

And yes, that is lipstick.