SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I really would have liked to stay in reconciliation for years. But I guess it just isn't in the cards. I am tired. Tired of getting yelled at. Tired of being asked do you want to talk about something? And then having an argument why my feelings aren't real. I am tired of hating the person my wife has become.

So I left tonight. I don't think she realizes its over...or maybe she does and just doesn't care. But it doesn't really matter, I am done and she is too damaged to fix. Besides, there is much more damage in me that must now be addressed before I even start to try and fix this woman who destroyed me,herself, and my family.

I tried, I really did, and I know I shouldn't make any decisions before six months, but I don't see the reason to stay. So with that, I will bid farewell to the reconcile forum, alas, I barely knew thee.

((((wonder boy)))

Wishing you well.

So sorry. You do what you need to do for YOU.

before I even start to try and fix this woman

You cannot fix her. Unless she admits that there is something wrong with her, and does the hard work herself, she will never be fixed. Unfortunately I have only recently realized that myself.

You must do what you feel is right for you.

I am sorry that you have not experienced the remorseful/fully committed WW that you deserve.

May you find happiness at the end of this deep, dark journey.

I'm really sorry to hear this wonderboy, but you know what...in hindsight I wish I would have had the strength to leave my fWH sooner than I did. We played this false R, blameshift, yell and scream hell for 1.5 yrs and then we separated. Believe it or not, it was the action that brought on his remorse. He is doing the work, but I tell ya...it's slow going, life long behaviours can be sooooo hard to change (even in a willing spouse). Big hugs to you and you...take care of YOU and your children. I'm so sorry for how you're feeling right now, but I do feel that you're doing the right thing for you in taking care of you. I wish I would have.....it caught up with me. All my very best wishes!!

There's no shame in trying......'cause you did try.

((wonderboy))

Sorry you are going through this, wonderboy. I've been in R for over a year and am now making serious plans to leave. I only wish I had done it earlier and saved my sons from the horrors they have witnessed since d-day. I can see that you have tried, but some people just can't be "fixed." My WH continues his downward spiral every day. He almost took me with him, but I am not going to let that happen. There is a difference between trying to R with a remorseful WS, and staying in a depressing, anger-filled marriage that sucks your soul dry. Wishing you some peace in your new life. Hang in there.

WB

So I filed at about 6 weeks, went through all the fun stuff of separation, got my own house, DS moved in with me (long story) and DD split time. So, I get your pain. Nothing I can say can help there, but I can give you some practical advise.

1. Get back in the house. Pronto. You might not be able to stand the sight of her, but as a laywer, you know the only person you are screwing with is yourself if you leave.

2. File ASAP. Even if deep down you really want R, FILE. You are playing on an entirely uneven field and filing puts the ball in your hands for a while.

3. Get serious. Separate finances. Draft a custody agreement. Don't "play" divorce. Don't threaten her with it. Just do it and do it like your life and the lives of your kids depended on it.

4. Divorce is war. She does not get what damage she has caused by her affair. But she will understand that you are divorcing her and publically humiliating her for her actions. She will retaliate. A remorseless wayward is a dangerous and destructive animal. False DV charges, using the kids to hurt you, hiding assets, running off with other men during this process are all possibilities designed to inflict maximum damage to you. And she will think it is totally justified because you are the one hurting her. Seriously. Read in the D/S section if you do not believe me.

Get a VAR to carry at all times, completely audit your finances (including hers, because I bet you large $, she has been hiding assets - she checked out a long time ago), and interview as many sharks as you can find. I assure you that at some point in the process of a divorce with a remorseless wayward, you will need him or her.

Good luck. You will need it.

(((wonderboy)))

When i saw this i tried to find what had happened...the problem is what did not happen.

You are full of life, energy, and compassion and horribly hurt. Take the time now to focus on yourself and your children. Sounds like she is selfishly dependent on you to arrange her rosy shit bouquet to smell nice and look pretty again.

She has become a complacent romantic. Entitled and spoiled.

I can relate to your life right now because I was you ten years ago. I discovered my husbands first affair. He was a complacent romantic, entitled and spoiled. It destroyed me but/and I still loved him. We never divorced but should have. I dusted myself off and took the first of many projects out of town and had the best and most fulfilling eight years of my career. I thought we were on a good path. The best of friends and lovers. I did not know it was peppered with lies and deceit. It eventually caught up with him but took ten years for him to fall into a deep self-inflicted despair and self-hatred. I'm an ass for still being here but i love him.

It was always my choice and now it is yours. It is just fucked up and it sucks.

((((wonderboy))))

I have no wise words for you because I've come to the same realization.

What I will give you is my support and prayers that you will stay strong and be the best father you can in these difficult times!

WB- I just read your WW's thread. What I will offer w/a grain of salt is atleast she's posting. It may not have been the best post but it was an effort. Her post could have been written by my WW and I understand the 'there you wanted me to do this so I did' attitude. It is done out of obligation and not out of love.

My WW hates SI and says it's VERY unhealthy.

Your wife's post may not be much but she is posting for what it's worth....

[This message edited by Outdoornut1 at 7:32 AM, May 31st (Thursday)]

(((wonderboy)))

I am very sorry to here that man. I spent some time out of R forum and in the divorce forum. I will just say that it does not mean it is over for sure. This is not trying to hold out false hope for you, but instead just recognizing that just as life has thrown us the wicked curve ball of infidelity it can also toss us some pooch pitches across the plate every once in a while. You just don't know what will happen.

If I remember correct you are an attorney and you have kids. You may want to think twice before leaving you house. You didn't do this, she did. IMO it is your house and they are your kids. I am just pointing this out because I promised myself that I would not walk out on my kids - she (did) would. Filing is just as powerful as leaving your own home.

Just my 2 cents -

Take care and I hope the best for you and your kids.

(((wonderboy)))

I'm sorry. You need to do what's right for you. Sending you strength for the mos to come. We are here for you.

Awwwww, WB, you just don't know how sorry I am to see this. I was really pulling for you and JN to recover from this.

I am one of those annoying eternal optimists and always try to stay positive, but I know there is also a point at which you must say 'enough'.

Sending prayers and good thoughts to you and your kids at this difficult time.

[This message edited by GullibleGirl at 7:37 AM, May 31st (Thursday)]

Wonderboy,

It's said quite often on this site that you will know when it's over, and it sounds like you do. You sound like you gave it your best shot, I remember the optimism and hope in a lot of your earlier threads. Maybe it's time for that move back to the Northwest for a new beginning. I believe I understand what you are going through, and my heart goes out to you and your family. The damage from affairs is so intense, so deep, and so hurtful to loving spouses who are blindsided by them. I just will never understand why someone would cheat and cause all this pain instead of having the courage, honesty, and integrity to divorce before they inflict so much damage to their families. Best of luck to you.

((((WB))))

i was bummed to see your subject line. and then i got mad and wanted to slug your WW before i even read the post. i assumed that after all this recent effort, you'd found out she was still in the A.

i was surprised to see you just plain ol' fed up. but believe me, i'm not minimizing that feeling at ALL. i'm responding because i relate to that feeling, and for me it's enough reason to walk. i'm actually very aware of my bias against R, so i don't post there much (sorry guys!). i always support people's efforts but i know deep down inside that because i couldn't choose it, i have a hard time believing it works for anyone. (that's my OWN issue, not you guys in R! i would never discourage you!)

whatever happens you will be ok. the best thing i see here is that you are going to stand up for yourself and live a life for YOU, not swimming around in someone's selfish mire.

((((wb)))) i wish you the best and more. i'll be thinking of you today. sorry about your coyotes, too.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 10:39 AM, May 31st (Thursday)]

((Wonderboy))

You have given a really good try at this M. Sadly, even by the most resent post of your WW, she just does not get it.

Take care of you and your children. Those down in S/D will take good care of you too

((((wonderboy))))

I'm so sorry! I know you have consistently not been getting what you need from her, and that you have struggled. I hope your decision brings you some peace, and I am sending you prayers and strength to get through what you need to the next few weeks. Take care of YOU and your kids! ((((hugs))))

Sorry WB. Hang in there.

From my chair, what RSU7 said pretty much sums it up.

Peace.