SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bumpin' for newbies

This could not have come at a better time. Thanks for the 'bump'.

I have been looking for a post like this for months. Hits every angle of what I am dealing with. Thirty years of caring and physical, mental, and emotional support for someone that needs to fix themselves and not drag their closest friend in to their storm.

Very good and useful article. Thank you.

newbees!

I needed something like this today. I have been feeling particularly desperate, although I've held the NC for the past couple of days. However, this opened my eyes completely. Thank you,

2. I worked on accepting that I can’t fix, change, rescue, save, make someone else happy or love someone enough to make them whole. Don’t just pay lip service to this. Really wrap your brain around the fact that as long as you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, no matter what you do, it will never be good enough. Understand that no matter how much you do for your spouse; they will always expect and demand more. Acknowledge that the more you appease, compromise and forgo your own needs; the more entitled, demanding and ungrateful they’ll be. I know for many of us we gave so much that it allowed the abuse, in fact set the selfish entitled mentality of our spouses to go unchecked.

Wow thank you! This spoke volumes for me as my WH is still making me feel like I'm not doing enough for him and threatening to leave me after he had the A!!!!!!!

Weekend Bumps for Newbies

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bumper

For ((Calikid))

Don't know if it will help, but one thing I do is remember the pain and the hurt when the nosalgia or grief (or both) come. It helps to want to protect myself and if my guard has gone down, it helps raise the wall a little bit higher back up.

Another thing I do is try to remind myself a few things, but the biggest one I will add here: he hasn't loved or cared for me for a very, very long time in order to do what he did. I tell myself that I was pining for something dead and someone who couldn't even give the courtesy to be honest about it.

That's one of my values, honesty... so to know that about me is really helpful.

Knowing ourselves and our limits for tolerance is helpful so that we can begin to grow a shell around ourselves with which to avoid future pain and hurt by these people.

I've made soooo much of this whole thing about him that it's time to stop that, according to IC and somehow get to the to-do list about me.

Bringing my mind back into the room or place I'm in can do that, too, as meditation.

There's lots of meditation skills that aren't hard but help, to remain living in the present.

Somewhere I wrote a note on Si about that helping me detatch from Perv and M because it was in the past and not related to today or the present. Sorting out what does matter in regard to today also helps.

bump

Wow, I just read the post on codependency and now this one and they absolutely speak to me. I was definitely codependent.

What a great post and thread! I am trouble understanding how to detach at the same time trying to R my marriage. I mean, if you detach, do you still work on the marriage? Do you still sex, cuddle, be there for each other etc? Each time I detach, I cut myself off from him and focus on me and my own healing, but can you do both

simultaneously? I seem to have trouble understanding how to do this while still keeping my own self protected. My story is a complicated one. My H is a SA, in recovery, but no where near being sober in terms of honesty, even with himself. So I have a double dose of trying to keep myself protected, but not wanting to give up on my M yet. Any advice?

This topic could not have come up for me at a better time. My WH and I have been separated since DD. He had multiple OW and significant financial betrayals. I asked him to leave and then became an emotional wreck full of panic, for him to change and come back. He was in IC and claimed NC but IC made him angrier toward me as he is now communicating how unhappy I made him in the M. The more angrier he became, the more pathetic I behaved. I was pleading and emotional, only to have it fall on deaf ears. I finally realized I had to 180 and detach. Now 9 weeks out we just started MC. I am much stronger and although he is saying the right things, I see he does not do the work. He still has an edge to his voice and still says things like "we" need to heal and "we"need to forgive each other. He still manipulates the kids (teens). It infuriates me how he always has to infer my blame. When I am not with him, I am now a calm, stronger person. When I get in front of him in MC I let my guard down and he pushes my buttons. I am definitely in a better place when he is not around. I don't think I could cuddle, kiss, live with him now. That is what I am struggling with, how do I reconnect with him when he is not in true remorse? My detaching has kept me sane.

Eyeswide,

I'm on my phone so I hope this makes sence. If there is not true remorse and you know he's still toxic than why would you. Detach, engage when it's healthy. There is a limit to trying to R. If the partner isn't fully engaged or you believe progress isn't being made them its ok to not be "sleeping with the enemy". It sounds like through detaching your finding safety. Work from that place. He should demonstrate he's worth you stepping out of that safe place toward him before you attempt it.

Hope that helps.

LHAP?

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:04 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

Double post

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:04 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

He still has an edge to his voice and still says things like "we" need to heal and "we"need to forgive each other.

Oh my god, those are the EXACT words my WW has used many times!

"WE need to heal????" "WE need to forgive each other???"

I need to heal because YOU have and are betraying ME! What the hell do you have to heal from???

And what in gods name do YOU need to forgive ME for?? I was not a perfect husband prior to the affair, but I sure have dug deep through IC since D day and have become a changed man--which YOU have a knowledged in amazement. Now it's YOUR turn!

Do they all carry around the same handbook with the same script?

Incredible.

Bump

Can I just say I think this can take a LOT of time for some and to be patient.

Honestly, I think I've been detaching from H for 8 years now. His first "betrayal" wasn't and A, it was letting me and our new born son "go" to live with my family while he wallowed in self-pity for a long time. At that point I had to start to learn a lot of this.

Funny though how I've forgotten some of it for this time around and funny how some of it has become so second nature that I do it without thinking. That is a good thing I guess.

I think my big hook is the guilt over what a divorce would do to my son. There's my hang up.