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Wow, thank you for taking the time to write this.

Really wrap your brain around the fact that as long as you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, no matter what you do, it will never be good enough. Understand that no matter how much you do for your spouse; they will always expect and demand more. Acknowledge that the more you appease, compromise and forgo your own needs; the more entitled, demanding and ungrateful they’ll be. I know for many of us we gave so much that it allowed the abuse, in fact set the selfish entitled mentality of our spouses to go unchecked.

^^^^ I did this for so long! Protected him.. how wrong I was for doing that!

Thank you!

Thank you

thank you

thank you

thank you

I needed this today!! I have been wondering all week how to even start this process, some days seem easier then others.

I have just started to read your post again after failing miserably on the 180. Thank you, just thank you all for your wise words.

It still hurts so bad.

Hugs to all

Bumpin'

I am new to this forum and have just started reading carefully all the wonderful advice that is offered.

This post especially was eye opening and hit the nail on the head. The biggest issue with me is the guilt. Guilt that "if I leave now, does that make me a bad person for not giving her another chance to reconcile" (even though WW has had 5 affairs and has rendezvoused with latest OM twice since DDay).

Guilt is a difficult one to overcome since it tends to be a learned trait from childhood. Its hard to break years and years of conditioning like that. But try we must.

Thanks for the post.

This post especially was eye opening and hit the nail on the head. The biggest issue with me is the guilt. Guilt that "if I leave now, does that make me a bad person for not giving her another chance to reconcile" (even though WW has had 5 affairs and has rendezvoused with latest OM twice since DDay).

Guilt is a difficult one to overcome since it tends to be a learned trait from childhood. Its hard to break years and years of conditioning like that. But try we must.

I feel the same way. I don't feel guilt in filing for divorce for my wife--she deserves nothing less and I nothing more--but for my children. I feel very guilty for them even though of course I am doing it for them. Irrational but understandable.

So my question is, what do you do with this guilt? Do you find ways to deal with this emotion? are you able to see it for what it is? A hook. and not make decisions based upon it?

So my question is, what do you do with this guilt? Do you find ways to deal with this emotion? are you able to see it for what it is? A hook. and not make decisions based upon it?

For me, I have spent so much time in Hell in great part out of guilt that I can now recognize it for what it is when it rears its head. Guilt can be a great humanizing emotion (after all, if our WS's were capable of it, would they have committed their crimes?). But it can also be dangerous to our well being, clouding the path we must take.

I let myself feel it, recognize it, and keep plodding forward through it. It's an emotion, and in my case, emotions have been my enemy. I don't trust them. They lie.

I think the first step in dealing with "guilt" is seeing it for what it really is: guilt is an emotional (fear based) response to a decision, in which the fear is based on doubts that the option chosen was the best one.

This is not altogether unlike taking an exam. If you can remember when you were in school and took multiple choice tests: you probably came across some questions in which there seemed to be more than one correct answer. At some point you simply had to pick one and move on and be satisfied that you made the right choice and do the best you could in the rest of the exam so that the one question you had doubts about wasn't really a factor in the end.

In the same way, those of us dealing with WS' need to make decisions based on what would make us satisfied that we have done what can to the best of our abilities to help with the reconciliation process as well as to set boundaries (draw lines in the sand, so to speak) and not allow those boundaries to become gray and fuzzy. And the onus is on the WS' to not cross the lines. Keep in mind that the WS needs to be told specifically what those boundaries are and what the consequences are if crossed.

For most of us, NC is one boundary that should never be broken. Breaking the NC boundary for me is now a deal breaker. If you read my profile, you will see that I have 3 DDays. I was naïve and stupid for the first 2 and didn't set clear boundaries with WW. After DDay#3, I was explicitly clear about NC with her. For the time being, I am giving her the benefit of the doubt and "acting" like I am trying to trust her. But the real attempt at trust will be after what I call the Day of Reckoning which is the 1 year anniversary of DDay#1. On that day I plan on sitting down with her and going over all her email accounts, phone records, texts, business financial records, opening locked IM apps on her iPhone and iPads, etc. If there has been any communication between them, that will be the end. It is now clear with WW that any further communications with OM is a deal breaker and will lead to the demise of the marriage.

By giving her an opportunity to prove herself to be trustworthy, I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. No reasonable person could expect more from me than that. If she fails then the failure is totally on her. I will walk away knowing that I did as much as I could to lay the groundworks for R.

I must say this information has been really helpful...honestly i feel that with each day that i detach myself to my cheating bf, i feel like a pound of hurt is shed off. Thank you so much for sharing!

I must say this information has been really helpful...honestly i feel that with each day that i detach myself to my cheating bf, i feel like a pound of hurt is shed off. Thank you so much for sharing!

So glad I saw this today.

Shows me I am now on the right path.

It is so difficult to detach in the weeks/months after dday when everything you've built in your life is on the line.

As one other said, BS are so often "Fixers" and I know that I am, and until I find that thing inside myself to let go of that I feel I will continue to attract and be attracted to broken people.

Another facet of this infidelity fiasco which is hard to swallow.

Thanks again.

Great post, bump!

Hi,

While I can't say I am out of the "attached woods" yet, I have come SUCH a long way in the course of less than a year. STBXWW still pushes my buttons, but no longer because I am totally attached to her in unhealthy way.

I have been able to extricate myself from total enmeshment by

1) deciding to take control of myself by filing for divorce. It was and is awful, horrible. But it was a decision made independent of how she felt. It was contrary to what she wanted (cake). I knew that it had to be done. And it gave me a BIG initial push away from emotional enmeshment and attachment.

2) No contact--or at least as little as possible. This was brutal for a long time. Total drug-like withdrawal, complete with fetal-position primal wailing. Yet finding myself doing this was itself a form of awakening. It made me realize how unhealthily attached I was. So this helped me trudge along, and it sloooowly got easier.

3) in the aftermath of my filing, STBXWW became a monster and continues to be. This slapped me in the face and renewed my resolve. I knew then (and now) I'd made the right decision. Detachment continued.

4) ANGER: and this is intertwined with #3. Righteous anger is propelling me away from her at an accelerated pace. It is replacing FEAR--fear of being without her, fear of her reactions, and thus my reactions to her reactions. My state-of-mind was no longer a reflection of hers

5) and of course, Time. Time time time.

I was the poster child for total attachment to an emotionally abusive person. I never ever thought I would not be attached for life.

If I can do it, anyone can--truly.

Please hang in there. I'm not at the holy grail of true indifference, but I am confident I will be once the divorce is finalized and the dust has settled as much as it ever will.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 9:09 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Bump

Thanks for this. Needed it today.

bump

For anyone still struggling with this, I am following up my October 12 contribution to this thread. And remember: I was a freaking mess of emotional codependent attachment--wailing, longing for STBX like heroin, convinced I would never even BEGIN to emotionally detach. Am I emotionally detached? Can I wear my "pin" yet? Nope.

But I am so much better:

Crying is extremely rare. And when it occurs I now have the ability to examine dispassionately what I am attached to and this crying over: not her. The person I thought she was. Or maybe she was--and she changed. It doesn't matter much anymore. I cry over the loss of my family, I cry for my children. I don't feel the intense self-pity any more.

--I am angry. Angry at her and angry with myself for enduring such emotional a use and for so long. And I am dealing in therapy with understanding no her anymore but myself and why I let this happen so it will never happen again.

--I see her continuing selfish behavior since I filed. This has helped enormously to emotionally detach. I no longer second guess my decision to divorce.

--most vestiges of love for HER have been steadily scraped clean, like a surgeon scrapes out cancer.

--finally, the simple-and-true mantras of SI: time and NC, time and NC.

I hope this helps anyone.