SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is alcohol an issue in your marriage?

Do you drink too much? Do you drink daily?

How about your WW? It seems she spends an awful lot of time out drinking with friends.

Trying to work on the marriage while under the influence won’t work.

DTTC,

Now that you know where she stands in this, where her heart is currently, I hope that you can let your WW go and focus on you and the kids. There is no rush to D, just to start putting the pieces in place and take care of yourself and kids.

180, this gets easier and more effective with practice. Just remember the idea is to separate and free you from the drama in your WW's life. It is not to punish or manipulate her, just to bring you some stability.

Keep a journal of what you do for the kids. My attorney said this could be helpful when it was time to talk custody of FWW tried to say I never did anything for the kids. Meals fixed, butts wiped, rides to school events, etc.

Protect your financial resources. Separate an account for you if you do not already have one. Do what your attorney says about protecting your finances. Mine recommended stop house payments while D proceeded.

Like gonnabe said, we were all sitting on the hope bench waiting for you. I know that had my dday been a year earlier than it was, and certainly, if it had been 2 years earlier, FWW would likely have left me for the OM she was with at the time. My dday happened when her A was on a down slope and she dumped OM after he dumped her. Again, no reflection on me as the BS that she chose to stay or had she chose to leave. The A is all about the WS.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

--Ats

Is alcohol an issue in your marriage?

Do you drink too much? Do you drink daily?

How about your WW? It seems she spends an awful lot of time out drinking with friends.

I don't drink too much or daily. I only do it socially. But my WW has been drinking almost every day now since I found out. I have told her that we couldn't work on anything while she kept it up but she just kept going. Sometimes only a couple glasses of wine but she was still trying to medicate herself. We had a couple of instances that we both drank (probably both medicating) and the results were always bad as she ran back to her OM.

I have a lot of anger today. She showed up this morning saying she wanted to help with the kids. I just asked her where she was last night when her daughter was asking for her? I told her don't show up here just to help me, I don't need it. If you want to see the kids that is one thing and you should probably give me a schedule of when you want to see them. But I would appreciate it if you don't just show up. I can't take her keys so I just asked if she would let me know when she is coming.

Everything else is under control for me. I have been proactive.

The only outstanding item is talking to the kids. I told her we would need to do it this week since she is going to stay with her OM nights. I told her later part of the week is better since it gives the kids the weekend to start to heal. They are going to be very upset, especially my youngest. I told my WW that she has to determine what she will tell the kids with respect to why she will no longer be here all the time.

DTTC - I'm so sorry to read your latest update. It's gut-wrenching and devastating. Stay strong! You have showed so much strength already. Focus on your beautiful kids right now, she is not worth any more of your efforts. I'm just learning the same lesson with my WH. We're all here for you!

Yes I am trying to cope. We are working out when she gets to see kids and she wants to see them daily. I feel I have to allow that for the kids sake at least. My youngest is starting to struggle a bit asking where Mom is every morning before she gets there. It is heartbreaking. Today when she arrived I did ask her "Are you sure you really want to do all this?" I'm proceeding ahead with my efforts but I feel I have to crack the door a little for the kids. I'm sure things are changing somewhat for her now as her real life infiltrates her fantasy life and that is probably what needed to happen. So time will tell. I just question myself as to what my next move should be or do I just hang out for awhile and concentrate on me and the kids. Limbo is a terrible place to be.

Also to add to our discussion this morning (albeit brief). She replied that she thinks we are too far gone already. I told her your never too far gone if you want to save it. But it starts with you now not me. She said she knows that but hates the fact that so many friends/family know now and it makes her want to run more. I said you can't run forever. Plus it was meant to open your eyes as well as help me. But if she continually lives in the fog and can't see the light. I can't do anything. I just continue on working towards better days.

Nothing your WW is saying is new here.....I heard it....many other BH here have heard it and lived it. Mine felt the same....brief, but it was said. Its what she does now that will shape your future with her. You have decided that you want to work on repairing the damage....you have shown bravery....she is still in the WS whoa is me phase.....selfish thinking. My wife had about 30 minutes of this and then...like a light switch...it was over. I was blessed (if you want to call it that) with a WS that GOT it almost immediately. Yes....I was TTd for 3 months....bits of the PA left out so not to hurt me any worse....other issues, but it was the last bastion of the selfishness that they display that she had left in her.....

Good luck...stay strong....

Your WW sounds like my current WH. Except he doesn't want to live at OW's house, he is perfectly content running back and forth. Sickening! I'm about to file for divorce, meeting the lawyer next week. I'll file and if he doesn't stop then I know its really over and I'll truly move on. I've been doing 180 and just trying to set myself up to be financially ok when I leave as I've been on maternity. Yup, I just had our baby. Pretty messed up!!! Just like your WW my WH tries to be around for the kids but also gone at times he chooses to be, which leaves my 9yo asking for him or wondering where he is and WH explains it away with work. It absolutely kills me. I don't know what he is going to tell our Dd.. That will be beyond painful.

Hugs to you and stay strong. The 180 has helped me a lot. Keep doing it for you and your little ones.

I plan to hand over papers today. While I haven't filed yet, I expect to within a week. Not sure the reaction I will get.

A lot of friends helping to keep me going. I found out more details of the A from some of them last night that she had provided them. A gym and bar room romance for sure. Everything based on lies, secrecy, alcohol and selfishness. It is unfortunate that is will cause so much pain to my two kids. She has lost me, our family as she knew it, her own family will not talk to her and of course mine won't either. Our closest friends have shunned her. At some point she will come out of her fog empty and alone. It is sad in a way but this is what she wanted.

Figured I would post the respons for those of you following and helping me along. I got the expected shock factor and she told me she didn't expect me to go this route. I told her you left me no choice. How can I stay married to a wife I no longer have? For the first time in MANY days I feel a little better, relieved and some weight off my shoulders. Still a long way to go but moving in my direction not the limbo of forwards then back two steps. I can't say enought how much you folks on the forum have helped. It's not necessarily where I want to be, but it's better than where I have been.

Thanks for the update.

I told her you left me no choice. How can I stay married to a wife I no longer have?

What was her response to ^^^this^^^?

And she "didn't expect you to go this route"? That would almost be funny if it weren't so pathetic.

Its weird isn't it? How they somehow think that sleeping with someone else does not equal divorce??

You did the right thing. Stay the course. Don't waver. She will now try to cry or have a heartfelt conversation or beg you again to not do anything....this is all on her now. Unless she gives you FULL transparency, agrees to NC and IC and also takes a poly (the threat of it alone freaks them out) then you do not have a remorseful wife.

Believe it or not you just put yourself finally in the drivers seat. If she does not come out of it? Then she was not going to anyway.

OK – I think you are generally doing fine.

I do want to suggest a couple of mini-suggestions:

Divorce is not the path you want. I get that from reading your posts. But it’s the only logical path your situation AT PRESENT can take. Plus it’s IMHO the tool most likely to pull your WW out of the fog. I often use this comparison: If you wake up in the middle of the night from the noise of your smoke detectors you can lie in bed for as long as you can with your eyes shut – but your house will still be on fire. You might wish it wasn’t burning…. But it would still burn. Your only option is to get up and take action.

Your wife does not want a divorce either… Now I’m not sure what she wanted but her reaction to your decision to file says a lot. However you are perfectly within your rights to tell her that sharing her isn’t something you can accept. That of the two options you have – sharing her or divorcing her – the latter is the less of two evils.

She doesn’t see a way back… Well – make this clear to her: Divorce isn’t your first choice BUT IT’S YOUR ONLY CHOICE while the affair is active. Her concerns about family, friends etc. – let her know that IF there is reconciliation you will stand beside her and that if you can accept her back after infidelity then the reactions of others is really a minimal issue. Make it clear that reconciliation is not one sided; if you decide to reconcile then you realize YOU will have to do a lot of work too.

Basically the only three requirements to initiate reconciliation you should have are 1) Complete and utter NC with the OM 2) Complete and utter abstinence from alcohol for the next month’s 3) Accountability so that you are assured 1 and 2 are being met. That’s “all” that’s needed to start.

BUT BE CLEAR ON THIS: YOU are moving out of infidelity. At the moment the only path is divorce. She CAN ask for that path to be altered but it will get harder the further along it you go. So she has a limited timeframe to get on board.

This is exactly right. I have said that this is not the path I want, it is the path I have to take. I did tell her the process can stop at any time but did not detail it as well as Bigger did.

Bigger your outline is spot on. The door remains cracked open for her if she has the ability to see it. But if the A continues then that door has to close. I haven't filed the papers yet so we will see if she comes to me to talk. If you see my post from yesterday, you will see she thinks things are too far gone. Does that mean too far gone for her to try or too far gone that it can't be repaired. I tend to think the former as we know folks here who have repaired their marriages even after D. So give her a couple days to think it out. If she doesn't come to talk to me, I file and keep moving.

Bigger could I add to your list of things needed to start - the letter to the OM stating that she is done with the A and will no longer be in contact with him? A letter that either I help her write or she has me approve?

Did your WW spend yesterday (Tuesday) with OM as she had originally planned?

Did your WW spend yesterday (Tuesday) with OM as she had originally planned?

I did not ask but I assume so. And I'm sure it wasn't to tell him goodbye. In the meantime two of her best friends stopped by and spent time with me. She has lost all her outside support. He is all she has so she better be happy with it. I was miserable all day yesterday knowing where she was and what was likely going on. So today I feel 1000 times better because of where I am. I will not text her or initiate any more conversation with her today. She can have the bad day. She has to feel the heat from her family not speaking to her, her 7 year old daughter showing signs of distress as she leaves and shows up each day and now the paperwork. Cold hard reality.

Biggers post is spot on.

It will be hard getting through to your wife. You cannot beg.

You need to show strength and that you will be just one without her.

And remember to reinforce this with her.

"A marriage is between 2 people, you introduced another person into our marriage. I no longer chose to be the 3rd person in our marriage."

It is all about moving away from her infidelity.

I know you are heartbroken today. This is just the beginning. Keep fighting for your family.

HM64

Thanks happyman64. Actually today I am not that heartbroken. At least I don't feel it like I have on other days. It didn't even bother me to be around her this morning. I think she is hurting more than me for once. Not trying to be vindictive about it. Just saying it feels good that I am not the one sufering more for once. If she comes to talk to me then I will share all of this recent information to reinforce my position. If that does not do anything or she does not even bother to come talk to me, then I know the path for me and my family. I am not in the fog and I can see it all very clearly.

I have followed this post and it just breaks my heart. I can tell the you are still in shock, as rightly you should be as recent as DDay is. The shock lasts quite a while. You really just can not quite believe that this has happened and you try desparately to save your sanity.

The first few months go from the top of the mountain to the deepest vally in a matter of hours sometimes. It is truly horrible.

What makes this situation so bad is that she is still, deep, deep, in the fog, and can see nothing clearly. She only sees her own needs and her own pain. She is seeing nothing else.

At this point you can do nothing by what you are doing. As long as they are in the fog, there really is no other choice. The hard 180 and the specter of divorce sometimes breaks the fog, but not always. Keep going.

If you really love her, and if she ever realizes what she has done to you, your children, and herself, then, you never know what the future will bring. Could end up with a happy ending after all.

I know how much this hurts. The betrayal, the lies, etc.

I am so fortunate that my husband was way out of the fog before I found out. I didn't have to battle the other woman.

Bless you and your children and just keep moving forward. If possible, I would try and take the kids on a fun vacation for a week or so. Maybe get them in nuetral territory when they are relaxed and having a good time, and talk to them about the possiblity that mommy and you may not be going to live together anymore, but that you both love them and will continue to be there for them.

I don't really know anything except this is a hellish situation and you just do the best you can.

Every post you say I'm laying the law down, moving on etc. and yet simultaneously contradicting yourself with:

'I'm leaving the door open'

'If she doesn't see things clearly or change this time...'

My heart goes out to you as you obviously love her very much but she is treating you with no respect whatsoever. Spending all day romping with the OM after you made clear what the repercussions would be and you still want to give her chance after chance!!

So frustrated and angry reading this. Please muster the strength, for all betrayed partners and kick this low-life to the curb where she belongs. You will be so much happier once you just move on, let alone when you meet someone else. You deserve better than this self-absorbed, unscrupulous, trollop.

The quicker you're done with her, the better you'll feel. She will only understand real actions/consequences. Make her life unbearable if she won't move out.

[This message edited by minamoto at 3:47 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)]