SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Listen, I love her. I know I have no reason to love her.

Months after dday I realized I loved the person I thought FWW was, not who she really is. It took a lot of time to detatch from 20 years of M and evaluate who FWW is, how she is changing, and what my future with her could be like.

I also learned it said something about me that I loved a person who held me in such little regard during her A's. That was part of the healing I needed to do as a BS. I had to figure out why I held my needs in such low regard, why I was willing to accept the treatment I had from FWW. Why I would love FWW more than she loved herself.

Listen, I love her. I know I have no reason to love her

You actually DO have reasons to love your WW and that is exactly why I am giving you the advice that I am. You have a LT marriage and you have kids.

She fucked up...big time. But that is NOT a reason to not love her. At this point, though, your *love* has become conditional. It is conditioned on the fact that you will not *share* your wife with another man. And if she has the warm & fuzzies for some asshole OM that is NOT the father of her children and NOT the man that she *pledged* herself to 11 years ago, the she can GTFO....who gives a shit about how good her dinners are? Do you want a loyal wife or do you want nice meals???

The biggest marriage killer after the discovery of an affair is not the affair itself (in whatever form it has taken), but in how the betrayer acts and responds.

Continued contact, TT, minimizing, blameshifting, gaslighting, continued contact, unremorsefulness....and did I mention continued contact??? Those are the TRUE marriage killers.

I am going to assume that you are not a stupid person and have basic literary skills.....so are you intentionally ignoring my questions about the length and nature of your WW's affair? And my question concering your statement that you are "sure that she is still in contact"?.

It is fine if you don't want to answer my questions....you don't owe me a darn thing. However, the advice that you receive may be different depending on the answers to those questions. Just sayin'.

I just read this whole thread. I did not see anywhere that you are monitoring what she is doing. Its a little thing here called "trust but verify". I would not just trust that she will not be talking to him....I would have to be looking for ways she could still be in contact. Do you have a keylogger on her phone? Or a VAR to put in her car?

It sounds to me that you are hanging on by a string putting your life on hold waiting for a POS guy to come back into town? And she also is emotionally not there.

This all did not just happen on Aug 17, she has been gone for 2 years...you cannot have 3 people in a marriage. It won't end until you take yourself out of the equation.

am going to assume that you are not a stupid person and

have basic literary skills.....so are you intentionally ignoring my questions about the length and nature of your WW's affair? And my question concering your statement that you are "sure that she is still in contact"?.

Sorry I was not purposely ignoring. I thought I had posted all this originally. The A started 3-4 months ago. Even thought she had been having struggles with the marriage 2 years ago.

I am monitoring her as much as possible. I installed keystroke on her computer and hacked an email account. I know most of her passwords so I can access facebook as well. Her phone is the only thing I haven't been able to hack. I have told her I will want to look at her phone whenever I want. But if she texts and erases it I won't be able to catch it every time. But at some point if she is in contact, I will find out.

I know she is not in contact currently. At least I'm pretty sure. But starting Wednesday she will get constant questioning from me and I expect honest answers. If she tries to cover up and lies to me it will only move me more towards taking the steps that I know some of you think I should of done already.

I have continued to tell her. No contact and if she sees him I will move to D. I can't be any clearer with her. Perhaps she thinks I am bluffing, but I am not. Maybe she'll try and call my bluff. If so that will be a big mistake. Maybe I shouldn't even be giving her this last chance. Part of me hopes she really is trying to follow through this time but maybe I am really still holding on to that string and it is already broken with no hope. I know a lot of people would of just gone to D by now and maybe I should of too based on what I have read here. I guess in my mind I still thought we had some hope. Such a tough place to be. I know my 180 tells me to be strong and follow through on what I need to do for me. This junction point is hard because the results are damaging to more than just me. Again I know she is already doing something that damages her children. I have even told her that. But if/when we truly separate/D and we have to talk to them, the real damage will begin. I dread that day, but I also have accepted that it may need to come sooner than later to help me start to heal and build a better life for me and hopefully them. This is a hard time and all of you are helping me. I am thankfull for that.

But if she texts and erases it I won't be able to catch it every time.

Not sure who your service provider is, but the phone bill should have a record of all the texts sent and received from her phone. Might not have the content, but it will show the to/from numbers. Of course, there are a million other ways to communicate, but that's one avenue to cut off communication if she knows you are monitoring it.

VAR in the car.

But if she texts and erases it I won't be able to catch it every time.

Your provider may vary, but I can see all the outgoing and incoming texts on the phones on the account. After dday I used a feature on the ATT website to identify by name all of the numbers going in and out of FWW's phone. I could see the text history, and if the texts were deleted, I presumed it was a text she did not want me to see, so that was a problem.

DTTC--My comment to you concerning your WW's affair was really rude....I apologize. There was no reason for me to *talk* to you that way and I'm sorry.

As to her 2 yr struggle with your M.....were you aware that she was having a problem? Did she talk to you and address it at any time?

I know a lot of people would of just gone to D

You cannot worry about what a *lot* of other people would do in your situation. The important thing is to do what is right for you. If you still have hope....then hang onto it for now. Continued contact with OM is a deal-breaker for you and that is completely reasonable. So, as long as there is no contact, don't feel that you are doing the wrong thing if you want to allow her some time to get her head on straight.

I am not getting out my pitchfork and building my bonfire to roast your WW. Some of my comments may come across as harsh or you may read them and feel that you aren't doing something right. I (nor anyone else here at SI, I presume) am not judging you or your actions. I am in NO position to do that....I have let my WH *get away with* some really bad shit and I am just NOW severing my ties with him. I held out hope and I gave him time to *fix* himself.....instead of using the time I gave him in a productive manner, he chose to continue betraying me, blameshifting, gaslighting and being extremely disloyal. There are not too many members on SI that went immediately to D. It is a pretty weighty decision and should not be made rashly. One thing that helped me was to read in the Recon forum and the Divorce/Separation forum. My WH's words and actions matched up with the actions described in the D/S forum a whole lot more than the actions I was seeing from the reconciling couples.

Just take this at your own pace. There is no hurry to *do* anything right this second.

Also, checking the texting activity on-line is an excellent idea. (my WH is also a deleter and the carrier that we had a the time didn't itemize the texts...and that sucked). So if your carrier doesn't itemize the texting log, it might be worth your while (and $$$) to switch to a carrier that does.

No offense taken. Everything I get is advice and I'm happy to have it. It serves as more support for me and I need it.

I pushed her to her own phone so I don't have access to the account anymore. In my anger last week I told her I would no longer pay for a phone that she was using to text her OM. So I can only ask to see her phone whenever I want to.

I'm in a wierd place because she wants to talk to me and I feel if I follow all of the 180 and ignore her it might take her out the door. But then again from what I read here I am supposed to do just that so I am not continuing to be strung along.

This week is critical and I will know a lot more come later this week when I see how she responds to the OM coming back to the country. If she hasn't used that week effectively to clear her head with where she wants to be then she will continue her actions.

No, you can either set up the online access yourself or tell her to do it and give you the password. At this point, you cannot be expected to just "take her word" for it. You need independent verification.

Well I hacked her email and just found an email exchange from today. She was planning to spend the day with him on Tuesday. Now I know that she was going to cross the line I put down so I have no choice.

Guess I need to start reading the divorce forum now. Thought she might of been turning the corner but no, she was just eating cake just like most of you said. Now I go further into unchartered territory. I need to figure out how I'm going to do all this. I will confront her tonight. But I don't see any option for me now. I won't sit by while she continues this. I take my stand.

I also have to start planning for what I tell the kids. They will be crushed and hurt. Their world as they know it destroyed. But she put us here so now I have to step up.

The sucks big time. So stupid, so needless and so selfish. Thank you everyone here, you told me to do this earlier and I probably should have.

Not only that but she has basically walked out on us again tonight. At some bar drinking and emailing her OM. I'm pissed. I should keep her locked out of the house. She doesn't deserve to come into this house. I called my attorney and told him to start the paperwork. I'll probably get screwed there too because I am the breadwinner. But I am going to file for full custody of our kids. She can go live in her fantasy land. When she finally wakes up it will all be gone. Sorry I'm venting and most of you can give me the old told you so speech and you were right. Now I have to try and get my shit in order to deal with all this. Probably more sleepless nights for me. I don't know how anyone deals with this. So unfair.

Sorry DTTC. No one on here will tell you I told you so. We are on your side and the situation just f'n sucks, period.

Most would walk away, you are a real man for even thinking of R and trying to save your family. I'm a month post D and it sucks but I swear it is less pain then 8 months ago where you were. Each day will get better, I swear.

I was the only breadwinner so feel that pain too. You will have a lot of emotions still to come. Just breath man, eat, try to rest, and put ALL energy toward the kids. They need one sane parent right now.

She didn't even come home so I just had to text her and tell her we are done. She didn't even have the guts to look me in the eyes when I caught her lying. She just ran away again. I'm half freaking out right now. Not sure what to do. But she tried the I love you I'm so confused text. I responded with the I don't care we are done text. I just continue to vent here and thanks for the support.

Ok, so NOW I have a big old bonfire going in the backyard and I'm looking for that pitchfork. And I'm looking for the rustiest one that I can find.

No one is going to tell you *I told you so*. Why? Because we were sitting on the *hope* bench with you....hoping that your WW was going to do right by you. I was hoping that she would, but I wanted you to be prepared for the possibility that she would not come around.

I am so sorry that she has chosen to remain in contact and made plans with OM. So, so sorry....you must have been crushed when you read the emails. Does she know that you've seen them and know what she has been up to?

Forget it...we cross-posted...I see that she knows that you know.

Good job on not getting sucked into her "pity party". No more texting with her for tonight, k?

Yes she said to me (in text) what emails? I said I hacked your google account, do you think I'm stupid? You lied again and we are done. I know you are going to his house Tuesday, just stay there.

I have no idea if she will even try and come home tonight. I have the house on lockdown. Her texts most of the afternoon she said she was at a pub with the girls she plays soccer with. She had told me the OM was not home until Wednesday. Yet via the emails I know they were planning to be together Tuesday. She said to him "you have me all day Tuesday". I'll have that burned into my memory forever now.

Now I have to figure out how I talk to my kids. I may have to do it alone because their Mom is AWOL. I need to talk to my attorney and start protecting myself and the kids. Now things get complicated even more.

I know this will be really hard but you need to STOP texting her, stop confronting her, stop trying to get her to HEAR you. She knows what she it doing.

Now the reason we tried to tell you to get tough is we have seen it here many many many times....we don't like to be right but the signs were there. You are not at fault for hoping somehow that your story was different.....but now go back and re read the advice everyone gave you. I personally got very tough, held firm thru some tough hard months but we are now back together for the last 7 years.

It is hard. No question. But 180 is a must right now. Don't engage, don't get roped into her crazy. We all know you want to save your marriage and your family....but you have a foggy selfish woman on your hands. She needs to see you pushing away from the table and meaning it.

Go back and print out the 180. Go talk to an attorney (does not mean a D, just get your ducks in a row) and maybe, just maybe if your WS is hit with D papers it possibly could knock her out of the fog. But don't count on it. Your kids need you now, they need you to be the stable one.....get strong, get tough and detach from her crazy.

You can do it.

Sorry. I got mad andn gave bad advise. I'm infuriated for you. Just can't think straight.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:15 AM, September 10th (Monday)]

I am new here too....

I hear so much ambiguity in your posts - words like "if, should, will".

While I can't imagine the pain you are going through as I do not have children, I do know they will be ok. I am the daughter of a broken marriage. My father cheated and my mom left him. They did what was best for the children - putting us first - and I have a good relationship with both of them as do they with each other (ie they will still do things for my sister and I). Kids are smart. They are resilient as long as you do right by them - which from everything I have read - you will do as they are your priority.

But back to you, I would think about making a decision and not more lines in the sand. Coming from a position of power will help you to muddle through the ups and downs of this mess.

Think of hacking her email account and learning as a great gift. Now you know how she really feels rather than you being strung along forever.