SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

August 17 was my d-day. I am a father of 2 (10 and 7) and have been married for 11 years. I have gone through all the emotions expected. I don't know what I should do next. Where we stand currently is she has not stopped seeing the OM. She said right after I found out that she would end it. But she claims she is having problems doing that. Our first two weeks were: she goes to counseling on Monday, I went on Friday, Saturday she runs off and sees him. I was ready to try and fix this and was being too nice about it. I was checking up on her and telling her I love her all the time and basically doing all the work. After this past weekend with the same result I read this site and found out I needed to change my approach. So I decided to go with what I think is the 180 approach. I did the following: turned off her cell, told her to open her own bank account and buy a cell. Took her new car and gave her the old car to drive. Then I said we should separate and set up a schedule where we would cover the kids. Then we need to tell the kids why we wouldn't be with them together. She broke down that night and said she couldn't do that to the kids. So I agreed we would stay in the house and try to give each other space and avoid too much interaction. Tough to do with kids to raise. That same night she told me again she needed to end it. Her therapy session was yesterday and he told her to separate from both of us so she can get her head cleared. But I am sure she is in contact with him still. So still not following the NC rules. I don't know what I should be doing now. Just sit around and wait for her to make a decision? She says she needs to end it for the kids but what about us? What about ending it for me and our marriage. I don't get it. Shes been exposed for 3 weeks now. Shouldn't I tell her to sh*t or get off the pot. I feel like I'm being strung along. She's getting both worlds. The whole family knows now as well and she has that added pressure. Did I go too far with my approach and push her away some? Should I leave the house and force her to feel what life without me is like? So confusing, so wrong and so unfair.

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 2:10 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)]

Why should you move out? She's the one who put the family in this position.

Does the OM have a BW? If so she needs to be told asap. No advance warning to WW. Consult a lawyer so you know your rights.

You've already learned you cannot nice her back into the M. I'm not thrilled with an IC that is telling her to separate from both of you. It comes across like he is treating you and OM as equivalent "relationships". Too many IC these days seem to want to enable blameshifting instead of truly exploring the why's. Some MC seem to do this too in allowing pre-A issues of the M to be used to justify the A. Seek out an IC/MC who has experience with infidelity. Her IC may have had clients who had an A but that doesn't necessarily make that IC a specialist in that field.

The OM does not have a BW. He is divorced with a daughter. He is a snake and everyone has told her that. He is looking for the next best thing. He will drop her too soon enough I believe. But I can't tell her that.

I've already spoke to my lawyer. I want to try and fix this but everytime we start she runs back (sometimes after a fight, usually after she drinks) and we start all over again. I agree I shouldn't have to move out, but I can't make her move out either.

I even emailed her the FAQ page her for WS so she could read for herself and learn some things. But I guess she is in that fog and nothing I do can get her out?

Have you read this thread?--

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=469167

It made me sad to read it, since its what I need to be doing, but it did help!

Did I go too far with my approach and push her away some?

No you did not push her away. How can you push her away when she is already gone?

There are many things that are hard to understand about A's. For me and many others on this website, one of the hardest things to fully grasp was the idea that our WS's no longer had our best interests in mind in relation to anything they do while they are having a secret A, and a lot of times even after discovery.

They won't tell you the truth, they don't care if they hurt you or anybody else in order to "find their happiness", and they have an agenda that doesn't include protecting you or your children. Most likely you are now seen by her as obstacles to her "happiness".

The sooner you come to this realization DTTC, the better off you will be IMO.

Please read this excellent post by Stronger08:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=467979

I won't be surprised if he chimes in here as well.

In my experience, not for everyone, but in mine, the only way my WW came to her senses and stopped her delusional behavior was to come face to face with very real, very painful consequences on dday. Divorce, custody battle, living alone, losing her job, telling our families, etc.

I know sometimes even immediate, very undesireable consequences will have no impact on the WS. But that being said, boudaries and consequences are also a good way to begin getting yourself protected against any further abuse from your WW, because that's exactly what she's doing to you, mental, emotional, and psychological abuse.

Please continue on the 180 and read as much as you can here. Good luck.

Sorry what is DTTC (don't have all my acronyms down yet). Thanks for the input. We have a talk schedule for tonight and I want answers and open talk. If she is not going to go through with NC then maybe I need to move ahead with this and make something happen.

DTTC = your new nick name, Dad trying to Cope.

(((hugs)))

I would continue the 180. The "talk" you are going to have is probably going to be her begging you to forgive her...she loves you...wants this to work. Behind her back she will be texting the OM (other man).

Really, continue the 180....and dont move out, talk to your atty, find out your rights!

Good luck, we are here...sorry you are too (((hugs)))

It is horrible when they just won't stop. People here have referred to affairs as similar to a drug addition. They know it is no good for them and that they should stop but they don't until they hit rock bottom.

I am guessing your wife thinks you are bluffing about the divorce and that you will always be there for her. I was in a similar situation. I tried to be a nice wife but was adament that he needed to maintain NC with her. He couldn't do it for an hour and every time I would catch him. I finally caught them having sex on DD#2. I handed him my wedding band and told her she could have him, that I was done.

To this day, I cannot tell you what caused him to stop. I already had a lawyer and was ready to file when I had DD#2. Perhaps he could just tell that I was finished.

I don't know about the laws in your area, but in Maryland, I could file for a divorce on the grounds of adultery and have an emergency hearing concerning children/housing. I think if I was in your shoes after everything you have tried to do, I would have my attorney prepare the papers and have them served on her.

I understand that you feel this is pushing her away, but if she is still in contact with OM, your marriage is already in jeopardy. Honestly, what more to you have to lose by forcing the issue?

I remember how bad this feels...

Thanks everyone. I have a long list of bullet items to address. Divorce is on the list and if she doesn't think I am serious she is wrong. I have been beaten up too much. I can't keep up this cycle and she should not get a reprieve or an extension of time or anything. This website has totally opened my eyes and I have all of you to thank for it. I need to move on with or without her.

Hi to our brother in pain. I know when I found out all the lies (I could tell because his lips were moving), my EXH never admitted to written documented proof. Phone records (he bought cell phone for 2006 whore because of boundaries I had established in 2003 reconciliation - he was calling and being called by strippers on the cell phone I washed trucks to pay for, mine and his and I checked the vm) since that he was not permitted to own a cellphone. If one existed, his fat ass would be going to live with his Mommy forever). July 2006, I get a message from verizon wireless on my home phone (he did not pay for this either) thanking me for my new cell phones purchase his and hers. I called the whoreman and left this message, nice new cell phone. I'm changing the locks and you have more than the one pair of pants and boots that you moved into my house in 1989. You knew the rules, I will not let you break my heart any more.

It was my apartment in a building my family built when I was a small person. It was my furniture, my utilities, his truck repair paid by me. $ new tires on his truck paid on my firestone card.

He had told new stripper whore that he was buying them a house. She was not happy with the reality.

180, strong boundaries and cover your buns legally. She's in the fog or their trash so take nothing she says as talking to the person you married and had your kids. She's another person now.

hugs to you,

Sweetie

DTTC, sorry you are here bro but you've found a safe and helpful place. I wish I would have found it sooner during all of my discovery shit.

The path you take is entirely you're own. I thought many times while posting that my situation was so unique and what people were telling me on here was different for me. Several posters were spot on for how it would play out so listen with an open mind.

I had several "talks" and sit down meetings and thought so many times that I could fix things. I realized it wasn't me or really our relationship that needed repair, she was broken and I couldn't repair her. She needs to do that on her own. A strict 180 is something I wish I had done better.

Strength to you man, keep posting as it will help.

Everybody is right here. I'm letting it happen and I need to stand up for myself. I've been worried about the effects on the kids and not myself. I'm 20 lbs lighter in 3 weeks time and the stress is terrible. I need to take action for me and in reality the kids too. If she doesn't come around, then it is what it is. I'm tired of the same pattern. I wish I had seen this coming sooner. The signs were there and I ignored them. I thought that she would never go there. I was a fool to believe it. Now I'm paying the price for my blindness and her terrible decisions.

Hey Dadtryingtocope,

Cut yourself some slack. It was not your responsibility to keep track of whether your wife was being faithful or not. You're a considerate, loving human being who was doing the best he could.

Right now you need to have compassion for yourself. Build up your inner strength by understanding that her behavior is not a reflection of you as a person.

You're getting a lot of great advice here. There's also a thread in our I Can Relate forum for Betrayed Men. In times where you feel like you need to talk to someone who can truly relate to your position, you may find some comfort there as well.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=448526

Hugs to you. Be strong, and know that there are going to be down days and that's ok too.

(((DTTC)))

When I look back, there were so many red flags! But I have come to understand that I was NOT a fool in not seeing them. And YOU ARE NOT a fool either. Like every other BS, you had complete trust and faith in your W. Which is what you should be able to have. And she chose to sneak around and lie and deceive and exploit that trust to betray you. Please, don't kick yourself and call yourself a fool. There is only one fool in your M and it isn't you.

A comment you made is very pertinent to what you need to do. She says she couldn't do it to the kids. There cannot be true R until she is of a mindset that she can't do it to you. And to get there, she needs to come back to reality and understand what a low life the OM is and what she would lose if you kick her aside.

Often, getting caught is sufficient to start the process of a WS pulling head out of butt. It sounds like, so far, it is not yet happening with your W. While the 180 can be helpful, sometimes more is needed. Perhaps she needs to see a divorce petition with your names on it. You can have your lawyer draft a real one but just not file it. Have things in it like you seeking sole custody and minimal or no alimony. Hand her a copy. Tell her your lawyer will be filing it with the court in one week (or pick some amount of time you are comfortable with). Tell her you are giving her a copy now as a courtesy to give her time to get her own lawyer lined up. And then walk away without further comment.

Perhaps that would be enough additional impact to get her to start trying to think clearly. Good luck

The things you did initially, the bank account, the car, telling her you need to separate were exactly what you needed to do. That is what caused her panic. You need to follow up on that and have her move out, get the account, etc. She has got to believe you are dead serious.

She is in the fog right now and cake eating. She wants her OM and her family. She has got to understand that she can't have both.

An affair is like an addiction. Until you hit bottom, you just continue the addition.

You have allowed her right now to have nothing to lose.

Be strong. It is really the only chance of saving your marriage.

You don't want her the way she is right now. She is in a fantasy and those are hard to give up.

So sorry you have to go through this, but we all know the pain, the fear, and the uncertainty.

Do not walk out that door! You stay there and protect your children. Do not let the sadness overtake you.

I try to think every day that IF my WH pulls head out of ass he will definately say to me, "Thank you for being tough with me and taking care of our children first". In his right mind this is what he would say!!! Therefore, I and my 2 sons are not going where his head is, but we are going to stay in reality.

I read a book==easy read-- called "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr James Dobson...It quickly sets us straight on the 180 and why it is so effective for us and for them....In all his years of counseling his greatest success is with spouses who will stand up to the WS and will take no BS. Kind of like if your child is on drugs> Handwringing won't work. Firm, decisive action is best course.

After I was doing 180 for a while he said he was thinking about coming back... I love him so so much, but I said NOPE!!! If you want to come back I want the whole 9 yards, not a fake marriage. We go to counseling, NC with her & you spill your guts.

He did not do this. Now he has lost his boat, his house, wakingup with his kids, 1/2 of his 401K, and alimony and child support to me. He lost me, too, but he's too angry at me to notice!!!! LOL This is not a person with a rational brain.

Be strong, keep posting here.

Can you and your children take off for a few days? That really woke him up when we started doing fun things without him, without telling him we were going.

Good luck!

I want to try and fix this

Aye brother. There's the rub.

If it was broken inside you? Sure. Fix away.

But what did you break here?

Right. Nothing.

You can't fix it then. Why? Because it arose from within her.

You are doing really well. The minute you set boundaries, put you foot down, and donned the fuck this superman cape, what happened?

Yep. It works.

STRENGTH TO YOU!

Dad,

YOU CANNOT FIX THIS. She is broken. All you can do is protect yourself and your kids.

Fully separate the finances and file. File for custody and seek child support. If your state has grounds for adultery, list that as cause. Your wife is no longer your friend. She is destroying you and your family and you need to fight back.

Get a full STD panel run. Please.

180 for yourself. Focus only on you and the kids. NC with her except over the kids and finances.

In addition, make life hard for her. DO NOT play nice guy and run errands for her or make her meals or do the dishes for her. If she wants to stay in the house, let her learn what it will be like without you. NOW.

You cannot R when they are in the soulless state. And that is what a spouse in an active affair is - SOULLESS.

Protect yourself and your kids. Once you regain your manhood, you will see things much more clearly. You will find ways to detach from the vileness. You will be your kid's hero.

And who knows, your wife might actually come around. But if not, then that is her damned loss.

Strength to you brother.

Yes we can get away. Thanks for all the posts. This is exactly what I need to hear. We will be sitting down to discuss. I know only 1/2 of what I hear will be the truth so I am prepared. If I don't get full by in with what I want, there won't be another option. I take my stand today. It's the first day of the rest of my life. I will be strong I promise. I may have more to post tonight. I have some other suspicions that I'm afraid are true. She's been sick and gaining weight through all this. While weight gain may be possible, I went the other way. So I need to pose the hard question to her and ask her to take the test tonight. I have it here waiting for her. If she refuses, it's basically an admission of guilt. I've asked already and she has said no but that could be denial. Our friends have noticed too and are suspicious. I know it can't be mine, I'm fixed (as a courtesy to her after two difficult pregnancies).

On top of everything, I didn't share that I have a son with Aspergers. I have tried to tell her that one of us raising him will be a thousand times harder than both of us working together. She doesn't hear me. She is sick and losing everything. It makes me sad to think about it.