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DTTC, you are handling things as best you can and know that the anger will come and go. It still festers a lot for me, even after it is all done knowing what is lost for everyone. You are still early in this so that is very hard right now. Time couldn't move any slower for me and I wanted so bad to just have it over.

I will agree with the others that you need to let your L stress about the details and start thinking of this as a business transaction. I thought all along that I would win and she would lose; all of the "proof" and crap I compiled didn't mean shit. Every state and judge is different, but my point is don't get too high or too low and stress over the details. My XW never worked and I provided everything, and similar to you I knew she wouldn't/couldn't handle the kids full time, so we did 50/50. Your situation is harder than mine, but you will figure out a way and your kids need a sane parent, they NEED you.

From a tactical standpoint, I think it is smart to play up the guilt that if she takes everything, your children will suffer. I'm totally fine with you getting in her head, but just don't get your hopes up that it will work out as her L will likely change her mind. I left court with a "fair deal" under the circumstances, I know that you will agree that nothing is fair about any of this. Just try not to let the anger consume you, I spent way too much time/energy on stressing over every single thing.

Did your WW agree to give you a schedule for when she'll be there to see the kids? The current situation seems pretty unfair to you and it's no wonder that you're pissed about it. Can you not get temporary orders from the court concerning a visitation schedule for the time between now and when the D is finalized?

I have asked for schedule and it is week by week since she is looking for a place and is spending her nights sleeping at OMs. I did ask for days she would be at house, time showing up and time leaving. I also document it all even though it probably won't mean crap later. At least I did all I could do at this point.

You are still early in this so that is very hard right now. Time couldn't move any slower for me and I wanted so bad to just have it over.

If things moved any slower I would be stopped or walking backwards.

The other guilt card I am trying to play is to say (and I think I have said this in previous posts) "You have stated you want to go off on your own. You should of done that from the start before the A even occurred. It would of made this whole thing easier on both of us. While it still would of hurt me, I could of learned to accept it easier. But the fact of the matter is, you have always had someone supporting you. If you truly intend to live on your own, then why not just do that. Don't go off and say you are on your own yet still living off of support from me."

So not sure if that strikes a chord with her, but again, I try to stay in her head somewhat with reasonable thinking.

Trying to limit my anger as much as possible and not let it consume me. I also have been trying to convince her that any deal we strike is better than a deal we strike with attorneys. All of us that are here know that the longer it plays out, the more the attorneys take home. She just hasn't been interested (my opinion no facts here) in helping the process move along. We have a meeting on custody late October so maybe she is just waiting that out. Not sure there.

So last night I am checking accounts. I have one joint checking account that is still open that I have been using to cover any outstanding checks and minor joint expenses. So last night I see she has paid her store credit cards out of the joint account. So today I went to the bank and I closed it. No more support from me financially for now. This also tells me something else. She is probably struggling with her financial situation. No longer does she have money available to burn because I covered everything else. Now she has to find a place to live and pay for her attorney. I feel a little better today. Although I am still in that mad phase.

So I think I am right on target with last post. Last night she sends a series of scathing texts to her best friend who has sided with me over all this. Her friend was a victim of an affair as well so no kidding she will side with me.

She verabally attacked her friend in a series of texts with things so hurtful I couldn't believe it. Her friend sent them all to me as well so I could read them and hold onto them.

After that the WW decided to text me and let me know what kind of friends I had (meaning her former BF who she is berating now). I just simply said "What does that matter at this point", "Don't be concerned with who I call my friends" and "Feels like you are doing some classic blame shifting". Then I closed with "I need you here Friday morning by 6:30 to take care of kids".

Appears like she is starting to unravel or crack. She'll have to hit rock bottom before full realization occurs (IMO).

In the mean time. I continue NC as much as possible. This weekend I take kids to beach for long weekend, with her parents and a couple of our friends who are also on my side. That should give her something to think about as well.

Just an update at this point for those of you keeping an eye on me. Still in a state of flux as nothing has been done on her side with the D or Custody. She is finally moving into her own place next week. That will alleviate some stress from me and force her to sit down and dicuss at least a temporary custody schedule. Once she starts keeping the kids part time at her place it will A.) free up some of my time at the house since usually when she is there I leave thus I get nothing done at house on my time and B.)start showing her some of the inconvenience associated with part time parenting. This will be because she now has to get kids ready on her own on school days, drive them to school since we have no bus service and they can walk from my house to school. She will have to do all that w/o me to help. Plus even nights were I leave and she puts them to bed, I still have to come home at some point since she is not living there. So now she will start getting them over night. Certainly should free me up somewhat.

In the meantime I still deal with all of the emotions I get every day. As many of you have pointed out, I have a lot of times I'm angry or depressed about the whole situation. Sleeping, eating and work all seem to get affected at various times. I guess its to be expected. Until the D is finalized and I see the final deal, not sure how any of that will change. Try not to let it consume me but there is stress from it and I worry a lot. I still think she has to get to the table at some point. Her limited funds have to be stressing her. unless the OM is funding her. In time it will get done, just moves way too slow.

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 9:31 AM, October 11th (Thursday)]

Yeah, those emotions just suck the life out of a person. It's really hard to deal with what feels like a hurricane of anger, sadness, bitterness, disappointment. It gets tiring having to deal with those emotions.

I didn't have much to add before, but I've realized I gathered some tips to help over time. Its not easy to cope, but there are some things to do.

I find that meditating helps, because it is not about not feeling the emotions, but just accepting the emotions and letting them go by. It's really hard to sit there, but it is like working out. You feel pain, but as you go through sitting there, it becomes easier to deal with and to allow them to flow without reacting. It really helps when you are in a whirlwind of pain and need to keep moving.

Also, thinking about the future without the WW in your life helps. I think of all the things I will fill my time up with. If you haven't got any now, just think of the games you can go to or be a part of, the movies you can catch, the bars you can see and concerts you miss. You will find plenty to do, eventually. This pulls my mind out of thinking of all the losses and counting my blessings for what I will have. I feel more hopeful and can move forward through my day.

If it really gets bad, you might consider meds. You have to take care of yourself, and if you can't handle it, it gets in the way of your life, you may just have to bite the bullet (or swallow the bitter pills in this case). I still consider it last resort, but if you have to go through a tough stretch of limited duration, it can help you get there until you get in a normal swing of things. Just taking care of you and the kids is the most important thing, do what you have to do.

I also created a list of stuff aimed toward men that has been advised to me to handle this tough time. Let me know if you want me to post it as it is rather long.

Thanks WontStop. I actually really enjoy hearing others advice here. Helps me cope.

So latest as of now. She is moving out on Tuesday. She asked me if I could help her move beds so she could start staying there. I reluctantly agreed (I'm too nice a guy is my problem). Then she started going down the list of furniture to take which I agreed to any items she wanted to take (I will document it all). Although I will have a living room with no furniture left in it. But that is all stuff I can buy again later and doesn't really matter. But moving that furniture will be another story. I told her the OM is not coming into my house. No way. I agreed to load her truck for her with my pals doing the work. OR I can have my boys take all the stuff she wants and put it out on the curb for her to pick up. Her choice.

This is moving week. I am helping her move out Tuesday and Wednesday (isn't there just something wrong with that? I'm helping her move). I think she believes she is still a good parent to her kids. So this weekend started the trial custody set up the way she wants it (not how I want it). So it is her night with kids Saturday night. So what does she do, ships the oldest to her parents and the youngest to a sleep over and goes to a formal event with the OM. Sounds like a great parent to me. Spending that quality time with the kids. Will any of this help me in the custody meeting upcoming. Probably not. But someday she is going to get hers. I don't know when it will happen, but the Karma Bus will roll over her at some point. It just bothers me too that she can walk around the house like nothing is wrong. Look at your kids and how much they are hurting. Ugh, it's so fustrating.

I just keep hoping that the drama will end and it will all be done. I have no idea how some of you have made it through this mess. Especially for those of you that had things go on for years. I'm only two months in and need it to be over before I lose it.

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 11:42 AM, October 15th (Monday)]

Document it all. Individual instances may not be actionable but a clear, consistant pattern of shipping the kids away during her scheduled parenting days could be used in the future.

Just wanted to comment on moving her out as I went through the exact same dilemma. I didn't want OM in my house and per my attorney, how fast do you want her out?...so move her shit out. It was still very hard but I was the "bigger person" and helped move the big items. I then changed the locks so she couldn't come back when I wasn't home.

It also sucks on the kids thing and I struggled with it as well, still do. She ships them off to her parents during her parental time. Document and tell your attorney is all I can advise, I don't know the long term legal effects, and am sure it varies by state & judge. It still brings tears to my eyes but you can't make her a good mom. Just be the best dad you can when you have them, you can only control your own actions. I'm told the kids will eventually know, if they don't already.

You WILL get through this, but you have to work on yourself and your kids. It doesn't end or magically get better once the D is final, so just focus on what you can control, which is being a great dad and positive influence on your kids. Try it for today and try to do better tomorrow. Don't worry about next month or next year.

I only wish I could change locks and keep her out. I don't think I can legally do that until at least some custody meetings occur. Still in limbo, constant foot dragging by the other side.

I am focused on kids. Trying to find part time baby sitting coverage for work days, looking to replace furniture, appliances, stuff she just went ahead and decided she needed to have. I have it all documented and priced.

You could ask for "Right of First Refusal" (ROFR). Before she can hire a babysitter or send the kids to grandparents, she has to give you the opportunity to watch the kids yourself.

This is a common provision as most judges take the attitude that kids are better off with a parent than with anyone else.

Why can't you change the locks?

X moved in with OW. Just before I left on vacation with the kids. I suspected he would bring her into my home and I didn't want that. I knew since we were not divorced and his name was still on the deed, I had very little recourse. I mentioned this to my attorney who advised me to:

I 'lost' my key to the house, as a result of that: I HAD to change the locks before going away. I also had to change the code for the garage door and the code for the alarm system. And in my rush to get all this done and leave on vacation with 4 kids.. I forgot to leave him a key to the new locks or the codes.

That was on the advice of my attorney.

As a result he and OW had to window shop my house thru the windows instead of going thru the actual rooms.

[This message edited by Kajem at 1:58 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]

So the WW has moved out and we have agreed on a 50/50 schedule which I don't particularly like. But I am making things work. My youngest is rebelling against her mother and says daily how she doesn't want to go to her mothers place. The WW blames me for putting the idea in her head (really, we are still blame shifting?!) I continue to tell her that all I have ever said to the kids is that all of this is the choice of their mom. We didn't do anything wrong, Mom chose this and there is nothing we can do to change that. Now, if the kids take that information and place blame on their mom, then she will have to live with that. She still does not own her shit. She has lost all her friends, her own family, her best friend/husband and now her kids are rebelling. I will never understand that.

Today we had verbal jabs. She had kids this weekend but was trying to get a babysitter for last night after kids go to bed so she could go out. My problem with it is if your 7-year old, who is still adjusting to being in a new place part time, wakes up and find mom missing, how will she take that? Maybe I overreact too much, but it really bothers me. It still appears to me she is putting herself ahead of her kids. When I have the kids, I am not looking for anyone to take them so I can go party, date, whatever. I stay here in the house and just hang out. So we fought all morning via text and after she dropped about 4 f-bombs on me I just started laughing it off. I'm obviously getting in her head and it bothers her.

She wants to bait me into saying something in a text that she can use later. But she won't get anything out of me and I have plenty on her. I am thinking I may not even text her anymore. If she wants to discuss things with me she can call me.

Custody meeting set for Nov 12th finally. I hate how slow the process moves.

I know DTTC, it is like sitting there staring at the clock as far as how slow the process goes. But know that just because the D is final doesn't mean things all of the sudden are wonderful, but I know what you mean about getting it over with. What you start doing with your time is what will help you begin to heal. Not telling you how to act as I did the EXACT same thing. I fought with her, verbal and text wars, etc. and also had a mountain of evidence that didn't amount to shit for the D. Document everything and keep it but don't expect it is going to "win" you anything.

For your healing, my advice is to go completely NC with her unless it is an emergency for the kids. It really has helped me begin to heal. I only communicate on essential items via email. She texts me all the time on stupid shit and I haven't responded in 2 months which is helpful for me.

Continue on the right track with the kids and don't let her play mind games with you planting seeds in their head that she is a bad mother. That is her guilt eating at her and she has to have someone to blame. Plus she is not going to listen to you and will only think you are still trying to "control her". My xWW does the same damn thing as the kids don't like going to her house, the marital home(which is still where I live) is still what they call their "real home". Since I can't say anything nice about their mother right now, I choose to not say anything at all about her.

32mor - thanks we are definitely in the same place. I am in the "real" home and my kids hate going to hers. I thought it would take some time for the novelty of the new place to wear off, but it only took about a week.

That is her guilt eating at her and she has to have someone to blame. Plus she is not going to listen to you and will only think you are still trying to "control her"

This is right on the money. In our last face to face conversation I told her I was upset about an incident Friday night where the OM went to her place after kids went to bed there. I was not happy he is around the kids even if they are sleeping. What if one of them wakes up? Explain that shit. I was pissed. I told her the next day, if she chooses to introduce asshat to the kids I can't control that, but I told her "I will always respect you as the mother of the kids and not speak badly of you, but so help me, I will never have anything nice to say about that asshat to the kids. He is partially responsible for this and has no business being around the kids. They will know he broke up their family"

That one hit her hard based on body language. She stated she would never sign anything restricting his being around the kids so I hit her with that statement.

So between that exchange on Friday and yesterdays text war, I am in her head. Maybe that is not very grown up of me, but I have bent/given in on everytthing at this point with respect to schedule, kids, etc. I refuse to allow anymore. I only had one request, don't bring that asshat around my kids and she couldn't even respect that. But then again, with everything that has happened, how could I expect her to respect any wish I have.

I like the NC with not responding to texts. That is the tactic I am going to try and take. It will drive her nuts and thats good for me.

My transition from potential R to D was also very fast, but I have yet to experience any situation or emotion with or about STBX that has made me doubt that decision. He only reinforces to me that I did the right thing

^^THIS

Don't expect in S/D what you didn't get in your marriage.

Block them both on FB.

NC = No new hurts.

The less you interact with her the faster your healing will be.

We and our kids are paying the tax for their choices. It sucks big time and it will tear you a new one if you try to fight it or make sense of it. There are dark times punctuated by bright sunlight. Making the best of it has become my specialty.

Your future is bright DTTC. I know it's hard but you have to try to stop worrying about what she's doing or what kind of mum she is going to be. She's gone. It's her job to worry about it now.

Focus on you and your kids. On being the best man and father you can be. Everything else is out if your control. I have been much more content once I surrendered to it and moved out if his crazy.

Peace will come soon. First the settlement, then D, then freedom. Until then I'll lick my wounds, tend to my broken heart, plug back into my life and take each day as it comes.

There's always an up cycle on this damned rollercoaster. Thank goodness!

One day soon this won't be something that is happening, it will be something that has happened.

((DTTC)) There is not a single thing fair about any of this.

Thanks Strongbutbroken -Half of what I do/say to her feels like I am trying to be vindictive. And maybe I am, maybe that is just one thing that makes me feel a little better. Then the other half of the time I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I don't want to have to do that anymore. I'm starting to realize (truly realize not just hear it) what people tell me here. No matter which way I act, it won't likely affect the outcome of the things I am most concerned about - the kids and my time with them, the money, the assets I built, the house, cars, my retirement, etc. No one is going to win here. The kids lose the most for now. I have already been a victim of the loss. And she will feel her loss someday down the road.

My daughter heard me yesterday talking to woman I had just met recently. Just conversation, not even a date of any kind. But my 7 year old smiled at me and said "Do you like her?". I told her I would like to get to know her better, but we are not friends or anything yet. An incredible question for a 7-year old whose life is being torn up. But to say it smiling at me shows me my little girl has seen the pain in dad and wants better for him too. Someday it will happen. I'm practically crying as I write this.

This is where I have to focus, doing better by me to do better for them.

But to say it smiling at me shows me my little girl has seen the pain in dad and wants better for him too.

This makes me smile on the inside. A happy me will add to my girls' happiness.

Our WS may appear to be 'happy' but they are not really capable of it. They can do the easy stuff, we all can. You and I know big happiness doesn't come from the easy stuff - it comes from how we feel about ourselves, who we are, the love we give and the integrity we have.

We're good people who are capable of giving and receiving big love. We just need some time to heal.

I would stick to SMS/email comms personally. I can't bear the thought of communicating with the monster any other way. It feels like I'd be sucked right back into the crazy.

I'm doing 50/50 too and it's tough (2/2/3 days each on a rotating fortnightly cycle). It feel like my girls are gypsies - I worry about the long term effects on them but I know they know I love and cherish them. I am a better mum now I can focus 100% on them instead of on my dead marriage.

Cry, rage, vent here. It's safe. Do not give her one more ounce of our energy. Nothing you say will make her 'see' anything - she needs to believe her altered truth in order to live with herself.

You and I will be OK, more than OK - out children will be too.

I wish you healing and peace friend.

StrongButBroken - I am on the same rotation as you are:

I'm doing 50/50 too and it's tough (2/2/3 days each on a rotating fortnightly cycle). It feel like my girls are gypsies - I worry about the long term effects on them but I know they know I love and cherish them. I am a better mum now I can focus 100% on them instead of on my dead marriage.

I hate it. I of course want to see my kids every day not just my 2 days here, 3 days there. Plus I work full time so on weekdays I have the kids I have to hire someone to pick up my kids so I can work my hours. She has luxury of part time job (for now) where she can work what she wants to meet the schedule. I agreed to this schedule to keep things amicable. But I don't like it, I'm just living with it.

We had major storms here in PA the last two days with the hurricane and she never texted me once to check on kids. School was cancelled Mon/Tues and she never checked in. I have the kids so I feel this is best/safest place for them. I don't even really care that she didn't check in. But I would of.

I like the advice on not giving her any more of my energy. She has sucked too much life out of me already. I don't want to feel like I need to be nice to her or even communicate with her unless about the kids. Even the D issues can work themselves out at this point without us talking for all I care. I'm tired of walking on eggshells, bending over backwords on schedules, dealing with the drama. Why should I have to do any of this, when I didn't do anything wrong to begin with?

I at least have the luxury of knowing the karma bus is coming for her at some point. May not be tomorrow or next week or next year. But at some point, it will come for her.