SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why should I have to do any of this, when I didn't do anything wrong to begin with?

I hear you. Asked myself the same question over and over. The best answer I came up with?

Because these kids are more innocent than me and will be more damaged than me. Someone needs to do the right thing.

My theme song for the wobbly days:

http://m.metrolyrics.com/the-pretender-lyrics-foo-fighters.html

ETA I'm a BS being left destitute and barely able to afford to keep my children. Even as a BS if I had the assets/income I would not leave my WS who has 50% care unable to support my children. In 20 years it wouldn't bother me whether or not he used the money for my children because I would be proud to tell my children that I kept their interests first - despite having very valid grounds for vengeance. They would lose most here and that cost is too great for me.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 10:38 PM, October 30th (Tuesday)]

Well now I pissed her off some more. With my NC pledge I refused to read/answer her text messages. She called my phone but I didn't hear it. She called house but we were busy. All legit too, I wasn't really ignoring her calls, just her texts. But she claimed I wouldn't let her talk to the kids. I told her I had no idea you wanted to talk to the kids. She said she would document everything and blah blah blah. I said do whatever you feel you need to do. She told me don't keep pissing me off or I will really want to f-you over. Well I don't think you can f-me over more than you have but whatever you need to do.

Then she claims this is as much my fault as hers. She tried to tell me a number of times that things weren't right with us (yeah while you were already with your OM). I told you - you mentioned something to me three times, you were drunk each of those time and at least once appologized in the morning for it. And as I said, you were already seeing someone else. At that point you were trying to justify your actions by bringing our problems out while drunk - sounds like guilt to me. I said don't try to shift blame to me. This is your fault and only your fault. You chose your path. How dare you blame me for you indescretion. I never have to accept that again. I've learned way too much here. Go ahead and try and take whatever you want from me in the D, you will only hurt your kids more in the end. I'm tired of the eggshell walk, the bending over backwards, all of it. So I choose not to speak if possible. It was my night with the kids anyways, they don't have to call you. I had them last night too, you didn't seem to care then? Sorry, but this is the way it goes with split custody. You lose some quality time. Plus your daughter didn't want to talk to you anyways. She's mad at you. You can try and blame me for that also, but she has figured you out (at age 7). Too bad a 7 year old knows you better than you know yourself at this point. So be pissed at me, hate me, try and crush me, destroy me take me down whatever you want to call it. I'm standing tall at the end. I may have a dollar in my pocket, but I'll have the love of my kids, my friend and both our families, my dignity and self respect. You'll have your whore OM and a lifetime to think about what you did.

Let that be the last time you discuss this matter with her - we all fall off the NC wagon so just hop back on.

Blame shifting, rewriting history is in the Cheaters handbook. It's all my fault too.

It's not that hard to be faithful yet I did it with ease even though he was a shit husband for 5 years and was a misery sucking all of the joy out of family life - every single day.

Just impossible for them because they're broken and loathe themselves.

DTTC, I thought I had written your post as my xWW blamed me and re-wrote our marital history to anyone who would listen and threatened to take me for everything. Arguing with her isn't going to change how she will continue to do this to justify her sad behavior and the guilt that is rotting her from the inside.

Don't get stressed by the threats as that is all they are. If I had a dollar for everyone I received, I could have paid my lawyer's fees. Unfortunately I hadn't found this site and called my attorney for advice way too many times. In the end, none of it mattered. Financials were split, CS was put into a formula, and while her immoral, classless behavior was disgusting and I didn't want her around my kids, they're still going to likely do 50/50. My point is, it will all "work out" in the end so ignore and detach to save your mental well being.

Like you, my attorney said that I was "lucky" she had already moved out. I didn't see it at the time, but reading other SIers stories, I seriously cannot imagine living in the same house for 6 months while my D was final. So consider your blessing in this regard.

I wish I had advice with regard to communication with the kids. As part of our separation agreement we had in writing that regular communication needed to take place. It is not included in our final D settlement and I'm on the same schedule as you are. Legal shit aside, I only care about the kids so I do have concerns about them not speaking to us during the other parents time. I don't have an answer for this but have told the kids they can call their mother any time they want when with me; they NEVER ask. I want to talk to them every day when I don't have them, but still cannot break NC and call her. This will be the hardest part for you too I'd imagine.

Finally, this is going to suck but there is nothing you can do about it. You are not going to keep POSOM away from your kids. Like you, I fought that shit tooth & nail and legally & socially tried to stop it. I gave her all kinds of researched articles on the long term affects, talked to her parents, etc. Nothing. No impact. You can only control your interactions around the kids and love them and show them the right path through your example.

I still struggle with this daily but it is all I can do to keep my own sanity and be the rock that my kids need. You will get through this, you have to, your kids need you to be the role model that she so desperately lacks.

Thanks to both of you. This sucks all the time and some days just sucks life right out of me. I tell my close friends who know me who say it looks like I am doing well - I look good on the outside but I am dying a slow painful death on the inside. Partly for my children, partly for me.

32mor - I know all these threats mean nothing. I've learned to laugh off (on the inside at least) the threats from her. I have heard many times from 32mor that it won't matter in the end so I take that to heart. With that said I will not take a bad deal. I'll let the process play out if need be for as long as needed. I do have an advantage of having a lawyer who is also a very close friend. He watches out for my best interests and keeps his fees low. She will not have the same deal. The longer it plays out for her, the more money she pays her attorney.

My kids know they can call me anytime, anywhere, anyday. My 7year old will usually call me. She hates her mother right now (my fault of course). While she doesn't likely understand details, she understands Dad is hurting, she really gets that. She and I are so close now, it is crazy. She is my child with the golden heart, god bless her. So when she tells me she doesn't want to talk to mom, she doesn't want to stay with mom, etc. I tell her there is nothing I can do about that, and that mom really misses her and wants to spend time with her. I tell the WW this but she still thinks I'm playing the kids against her.

I will go down fighting on the issue of the POSOM. If I can't get it in the signed custody agreement, I will put everyone at the table on notice, the attorneys, my wife, my attorney, the legal assistants, all of them. They have my position and why, if anything happens to my kids, I will be back to see everyone of them. It may be posturing, it may be grandstanding, it may be impossible. But I'm stating my position on this. And not one nice word will come from my lips when I speak about this guy to my kids. She can't stop that and he can't stop that.

I did call her today to again extend the olive branch. I had problems sleeping last night. It sucks because I always feel like I am taking the brunt of the storm all the time. I always have to feel bad, suck it up and get along with her, walk on eggshells. I look forward to day when that is done.

StrongButBroken - I love the foo fighters. Except the song Let it Die triggers me for some reason. I listen anyways but I am always a mess. Thanks for all you have done. Someday I'll make that trip down under and drinks are on me.

I tell my close friends who know me who say it looks like I am doing well - I look good on the outside but I am dying a slow painful death on the inside. Partly for my children, partly for me.

I hear you! Coping and just putting one foot in front of the other is the best we can so right now. It won't always be this way. I'm doing better each day. Then worse then better - but always forward.

I have a deal where my girls talk to the other parent every night just before bed between 7.15pm-7.45pm.

I have to leave the room during the speaker call because hearing his voice triggers me badly. I trigger hearing his voice when they call me.

My girls love their dad but I've still had the "I don't want to go" a few times. I'm sure he has too. I keep it really upbeat and positive (Daddy is so excited about seeing you - he misses you very much, you'll have a fantastic time! Everybody wants a turn because they love you so much etc).

But I've stopped making excuses for his bad behaviour. I just comfort and reassure them. That's my job now.

Very difficult but better for them in the long run. There's a resource here called Relationships Australia which is advocates for kids in divorce. They have some great articles that help me keep the girls in focus.

http://www.relationships.org.au/

I don't know what I'd do if the OW was a part of the girls lives. She's overseas but he has linked with her on LinkedIn (I was still linked to him - she came up as a suggestion. My colleagues would have seen it too. Another humiliation - more proof NC is the right course). I'm expecting she will be in their lives at some stage knowing him and it burns me. She's not the only OW, just one of the ones he admits to.

Trying to get some perspective: ATM its like the rat took the cheese and got away, if they have a 'relationship' then the rat gets snapped in the trap. I just hope they don't give my girls their brokenness like rabies.

You will get through this, you have to, your kids need you to be the role model that she so desperately lacks.

I'm hoping I will barely remember any of this drama in 20 years time. He'll just be the girls father - like a toxic relative I only have to see at weddings.

Happily Never After.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 2:31 PM, October 31st (Wednesday)]

Yes. I am slowly starting to just relax on all this. We had a long talk yesterday and decided we could not keep fighting like that. It wasn't doing either of us any good. I keep my NC to things about the kids. If they want to call me they can. In the meantime I will stay busy. I like the idea about the phone call although some nights I don't plan to be home. The more I talk here the more I know I just need to get out, live life and do some things for me. The kids are adjusting and will be good in time. The upcoming holidays will be rough for them but we will have fun. My only hurdle is the POSOM which I just can't come to terms with him being around my kids. I stand fast on that one and if I seem inflexible to her I'm sorry. My kids will always know from me what kind of person he is. That may be vindictive but I can't help it. I knew him, he spit in my face on this one and laughed at me while I was down. I'm not flexing here.

Continuing to move forward, avoiding pitfalls, brushing off when I fall and staying positive. You guys tought me all this.

My only hurdle is the POSOM which I just can't come to terms with him being around my kids. I stand fast on that one and if I seem inflexible to her I'm sorry.

I agree with you on this one 1000% but there is very little you can do. This is not something you (or I) can control.

I hope he waits until any relationship is sound before introducing anyone but I doubt he will - he thinks everyone is 'the one'. The one who will fix him.

If OW is a part of my girls lives and they spend time with her who am I hurting by telling them she's a disgusting, vile, horrible person? Especially if they like her. Little kids like anyone who plays with them.

IMO it would hurt and confuse them most. That's what would stop me in my tracks I think. I'd never say anything nice but I think I'd refrain from saying bad stuff too - try to allow them to have their own experience of her and hope to hell it's at least positive.

Absolutely heartbreaking. God I hope I don't have to face that.

You'll get through this and thrive. They're gone, we have to co-parent with them. It sucks arse but hating it doesn't change it.

It's almost like we can't deal with our heartbreak fully just yet because we're busy trying to adjust to this 'new normal'. Try to keep sunlight in your life. Kids, friends, things that make you smile and laugh your head off. It will all work out.

Not much new going on. Concilliation meeting coming up on Monday for custody. Not sure what to expect at that meeting. Waiting on my attorney to get back to me with information. This is the meeting I am most nervous about as it will likely dictate what my monthly support payment will be. If I understand it, this is a concilliation meeting so I don't have to agree. But if we don't mutually agree, it goes to the courts I believe and could be worse for me. This is the part of the D that I seem to struggle with the most. Seems to me I lose regardless. I know I am not supposed to worry about it. I probably won't lose as much as I think and I can't keep as much as I want. The real losers are the kids which I totally get. I guess we will see what comes out of Monday's meeting and go from there.

Continuing the saga. So my concilliation meeting is Monday. This will simply just set the custody schedule, which is already set by WW and I. My attorney says we are actually well ahead of most people. I say great! Something in this that is finally working out! He says we have no need for the meeting but lets keep the day scheduled for a 4-way with her and her attorney and get some of the D issues hashed out. I say great, even better! Move things along.

Nope her attorney balks says he wants the meeting. We draw up the agreement for custody to help it out. I present to WW so she knows we put it together and if the meeting happens, it is her attorney just meeting for the sake of meeting (thus spending money she doesn't have).

So we'll see Monday if we move forward or go backwards.

In the meantime I continue NC other than kid issues and when I do have contact I'm so sweet you could add me to ice cream.

Hoping to move forward.

*fist bumps DTTC*

Good for you for keeping up the no contact. We all know its not easy.

It'll pay dividends, even just helping keeping the separation amicable.

Good luck in the conciliation meeting.

One trick you might want to use if you need to: bring a notepad and pen, and don't immediately respond to anything she or her lawyer says - write it down first. this will help your focus. Do this especially if you feel yourself getting agitated - it works wonders.

So my current status. Did the concilliation meeting Monday which was a complete waste of time and her money. My attorney drew up the agreement the week before to avoid the meeting since we have a schedule in place already. Her attorney had a couple of issues with the language on two items. We struck one item and I revised the second. Took about 5 minutes and we could of done it the week before via email.

Then we met to start talking division of assets, support, etc. They were not prepared, needed more information. Her attorney said they would file for support to have as a holder. I told her I would file for support, she could file for APR and we could go do it together. She asked what that would do and I said probably cause some bickering later. I (again) offered up that my attorney would draft the agreement for dividing up stuff and her support payment from me. She agreed to move forward with that. She is now feeling the affects of being cash poor. I did give her some money from one account to cover her costs for awhile and documented it for the records. So now if she wants anymore where that came from, she should work towards getting that agreement done. Otherwise as most of you know better than I, its a longer drawn out expensive process. Right now she could walk out with a decent deal (IMO) where she gives up some long term financials (piece of my retirement) but gets some much needed cash and does not have to give that up to her attorney (or much of it).

To add to all of this, next week is Thanksgiving. I got invited to the WW parents with the kids for dinner. She got invited to come sometime after dinner so her brother and sister could leave. No one in the family wants to be around her although her Mom is trying to work through it. She told her mom that she could just come at dinner time because she and I are on good speaking terms but her Mom said that is probably not a good idea. WW obviously not thinking about everyone else. She asked me and I did say your brother basically said if you are there, he won't be. Simple as that. Sorry about that but he has a right to whatever emotions/reaction/etc he wants. Over time it may get better, it will probably never be the same, but it may get better. Don't ask me why I play therapist for her but I do.

Inevitably this is just another example of the Karma bus running you down. Some people just don't seem to realize the bus hit them.

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 12:15 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

One more item. So I am going to her parents for Thanksgiving and she tried to invite herself to dinner saying we are getting along and it would be okay. Well we are getting along for the sake of the kids and to help the whole D thing along. But it would not be a comfortable dinner, her family does not want her there and I want to make sure they see the kids (they have helped raise them with us as they are close by). But I did offer to step out of the way and let her take the kids without me. Her mom said no way. I get to pass along the news and she is not happy about it. I just say sorry.

So the issue of Christmas is next. She has told the kids she would like to be at the house when they wake up and open presents. I was not keen on the idea, I think it sends a wrong message and truthfully how does that help me with my healing. Now saying that I would suck it up for my kids if it really meant that much to them while inside I would not be happy about it. I really think it should be they spend 1/2 day with one of us and second half with someone else. But I'll take any input from all of you about experiences with this or thoughts.

Her being there will send mixed messages to the kids. I would not do it. Part of the consequence of her A, she's going to miss events. Unfortunately that will also happen to you but she should not be there.

So I got the word from my attorney - she filed for child support, alimony and APR. She won't get the alimony if it goes to court so no concerns there. Still f-ing eating cake with all this though. So I would be supporting her and the kids (although we are 50/50) so she can work part time and enjoy her little fantasy life. So in addition to being a liar, cheater, cake eater she now becomes a gold digger too. Sorry for the vent just ticks me off.

So my plan is to have my attorney draw up the agreement which will include support. I will give her a fair support payment but the calculations end up all over the board. Since she has the nice life of working part time she could technically get more based on that equation. On top of all this I found out she is taking a vacation for 5-6 days with the OM over Christmas holidays. I have to worry about spending so I have money to pay her eventually. Just BS.

Goals are to hold onto my retirement account and find a way to stay in my house. These are the days I just get pissed because I didn't ask for any of this yet I always feel like I am going to get shafted here. I guess if I can just get to the end it will (for the most part) go away and I can live with what happens. I'm not having problems dealing with her and the whole A, I'm over that. I'm having issues with her now taking what she feels she is entitled to while I may have to make significant sacrifices that will affect me and the kids. I hate her. If it wasn't for my kids I would sell everything we had together and move right out of state, take a lesser paying job and tell her to go f-herself. Again sorry for the rant but the filing letter is posturing by her attorney and it pisses me off. Just can't let her know that.

No movement on any agreement. What a drag. Really would like to get this done so I know where I stand financially.

So now I am dealing with her OM spending time with my kids. I know you all told me not to let it bother me but this really bugs the shit out of me. I have to listen now to my 10 year old tell me how cool he is, he drives a jaguar, let him have his Wii to use at her house, etc. etc. I dropped him at school today and had to listen to him talk about it on the ride over. Just burns me. I'm trying to pull together a Christmas by myself for the kids, work full time, take care of other duties I have. She gets to work part time, parade around with her OM, and is just waiting on half of the financials. Who is f-ing dealing these cards.

So I am going with the advice, no way is she coming to house on Christmas other than to pick up kids. She still helps herself to coming right into the house when she drops off/picks up. When I have to pick up there, I always wait outside. I have no interest in going into her place. But bottom line, I am doing my Christmas with the kids, then she can have them and do hers. It will totally suck being alone, but that's the way it goes.

We're not here to tell you "I told you so" about POSOM being around your kids; we just wanted to prepare you as many of us have fought that same battle and thought it would work out in our favor. Trust me, it burns my ass every day thinking about him being any type of influence in their life, so you're not alone. My DD was impressed with him at first and couldn't understand why I didn't like him. The newness is wearing off and she's starting to resent him and doesn't want him being around as it takes away from mommy time.

It is very hard to accept but the kids world has been turned upside down too, they don't know any better than to like this new person who is forced into their lives. I hope the POSOM rots in hell, but I also want him to be decent to my kids; better that then abusing them. Trust me, the newness is going to wear off for him - he is only trying to impress the kids to make himself look better to your WW. This shit is going to get old once the dust settles and his true colors will come out. You don't want him being an asshole to your kids.

I've flipped this situation on its head and am trying to be the best dad I can when I have the kids. That doesn't mean buying them whatever they want like POSOM does, it means sitting and playing a game with them, reading, whatever - but spending quality time with them. I did this before but it now has new meaning for me. Trust me, they know it and they know the difference. I don't remember the crap my parents bought me but I do remember family night and playing cards with my mom.

In regard to her coming in to your house. I'd seriously consider changing the locks. She needs to learn boundaries and if she won't respect you, then force this issue. I did it before my D was final and while my attorney wasn't crazy about it, it didn't delay or cause any issues. Ooops, I thought I could do that, my bad.

I totally get the Christmas thing. I'm doing something different this year; inviting all family to my house. I have to mix it up this year to get through this. If that is not an option for you, just focus on making it about the kids. Sing songs as a family, go to mass, whatever...make a new tradition.

Hang in there man.

32mor,

Always my voice of reason. Thank you my dude.

I know it will get old. Listen my oldest is an Aspergers kid with terrible tantrums at times. Something he will hopefully learn to deal with as he matures. But anyone who has spent serious time with him will learn this. This a-hole will get tired of that and since his MO is to hit the next best thing, he will leave her sooner or later once he is done with her. He as broken up two other marriages that I know of so she won't be any different. And my kids will realize this someday too.

I am like you I try to spend quality time. I do make time to take them out to eat and go places but I don't have to buy them stuff all the time. We are going out tomorrow to pick out stocking to hang at the fireplace and have dinner. My WW decided to take all the Christmas stockings. So we will just go pick out our own.

I would love to keep her out of the house for good. But I can't do that until after the D works it way through. I unfortunately need to stay nice to her so we can work together on schedule. Since I am the one who works full time it is very hard to drop off and pick up the same day as it only give me about a 5-6 hour day in the office. WHile work is very good about letting me take care of things, it would get old. Since she only works part time she can cover pick up some days and keep the kids until I get off. My only other choice is to hire a nanny for the days I need. But our schedule is so f-d with the two week schedule with opposing week days each week. Plus finding one that can deal with my oldest is a chore. He has chased away his share of babbysitters.

So I just need to get through all this. I meet with my attorney next week to put the proposal in order and make her the first offer for division of assets and support payment.

So got the draft of the proposal for separation of assets and my monthly support payment. Even though I discussed this all with my attorney who has really pushed me to just accept that a 50/50 split should be considered a win, I read this draft and I feel like I have been kicked in the gut again. I thought I could look past the emotional part and look at this solely as a business deal. But I think it is impossible to do that. I really feel shafted here. Again as I and others like me have stated, I did nothing wrong yet feel like I am paying the price for her indescretions. Sucks.

I will get to hold onto house but will have to refinance, pay her off and pay for a longer period than my current loan. Sucks

She will take a small part of my retirement which is better than it could of been but it still sucks.

I make a monthly payment to her which will also include a payoff over 5 years on divsion of assets. Sucks

She clears out half our cash on hand. Sucks

Why does it feel like I take on all the pain when she should have to suffer just as much (if not more)? And this is if she accepts this deal and doesn't ask for more than what's here or agree with our numbers. So if she goes gold digging it could suck more for me.

I need to get through this part. This has been the biggest stress point for me of the whole thing since filing. I knew it would eat away at me and it is. I feel like I'll be left in a position that I have to scratch and bite every month to keep things together. Meanwhile she'll be living this great new life, my kids interacting with her sh*&head boyfriend who helped destroy my family (who is showering her with a rockstar lifestyle).

Plus I have to live with a schedule that strains my work schedule.

Today just sucks. When I filed and started to take my life back I thought it would get me to a better place. And I suppose at some point it will. But for today I feel almost as bad and helpless as I felt on Dday. Who should have to/want to live this kind of life? None of us signed up for this. And for those of us who were the breadwinners providing the great lifestyle, why do we get screwed so badly.

I guess the one saving grace is it could be worse. I likely won't be giving her a alimony check every month since we are not a no-fault state. One silver lining for me is better than none at all.

Sorry to rant and rave but this is worst day in a long time.

For my fellow breadwinners who are writing that check every month, how do you do that every month and not be totally pissed off?

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 6:00 AM, December 21st (Friday)]

Still stewing as my attorney and I try and put together a package we hope she will take. He tells me a 50/50 asset distribution is still a win for me based on how the County court systems usually treat the husbands regardless of the affair.

I am also wearing out on our whole custody schedule. These two weeks are not so bad with kids off school altough I need to work between Christmas and New Years and she informed me that she already made plans to go away during those day. WTF? - One minute crying about finances, the next off running away on vacation with sh#@head. GRRR. Iritating. Good news is I get kids Christmas morning. The afternoon will suck without them, but at least they wake up with me. She also informed me that I should plan on having the kids on New Years Eve. Really? I have them the entire weekend before so they can see my parents so I'll just keep them into Tuesday? How is it that she continues to be a cake eater? Unbelievable. Somedays it feels like giving her full custody would of been a whole lot easier than this 50/50 split with a schedule that strains my work life, what little social life I have and my mental health. Grrr.