"That is gutwrenching, and he just wants to feel worth it amd important to SOMEONE. It's all about pain relief."
Actually, it's all about dysfunction. That's what affairs are about. Dysfunction clothed in pain relief, validation, stress relief, boredom relief, excitement, rage, anger, resentment.
Feeling "worth it" when it comes from any other source than yourself is wayward thought processes. It's obvious in several of the posts on this thread. "He may feel better after an RA". Yep, he may. Just as a junkie "feels better" after a fix. Damaging yourself to make yourself feel better is insanity.
I posted in wayward about rejection a while ago and the chemicals that are released when one experiences it. They're different than the ones released when you are experiencing the "new car smell" of a new relationship but they're just as strong. Makes sense. Humans needed one another to survive so exiling and rejecting someone, many times, was tantamount to a death sentence. The body "knows" this and reacts when it happens. Just as fear was designed to be a protective trigger so is rejection however, we don't need this anymore. We can function fine without someone else.
Old habits die hard and we don't often do the necessary work while building our personality and character to strengthen our internal boundaries and develop tools to cope when we experience it. It can send us into tailspins and we do all sorts of behaviors that hurt those very things we need to develop. We beg, we bargain, we obsess, we rage, we lash out, we blindly grasp at whatever we can come up with that provides temporary relief.
What we need to do is sit with it and just let it absorb. The flurry of activity to ward off the pain can be used to fortify the internal vulnerable spots against it. That way when the flood comes the levies don't break but redirect the flow until it harmlessly dissipates.
You both need to do this. A desire to hurt those that have hurt us is something most of us, whether wayward or betrayed or both, can understand. Understanding is not the same as condoning or promoting.
It is not hypocritical to think his affair would be a deal breaker. As we learn, heal, grow we change what we will tolerate from ourselves and others. It's a sign of health. It's also healthy to not know how one would react. Guilt isn't a tool for growth so dispatch that right now. If he cheats and you bounce that's a consequence for his action.
I find it interesting that many say well I chose to stay so they better. That, to me, is as far from reconciling as filing for a divorce can be. Staying is merely a description of location. It's the reasons one stays and how they process their healing that makes all the difference. Otherwise it can be a revenge affair all on it's own without the other person. It's the secret thrill "you" get from playing that card, creating the uncertainty and fostering it. Delighting in the subtle, and not so subtle, digs, insults, put downs, guilt inducing toxic reminders that ensure a steady stream of power and validation kibbles. As addictive as crack and just as ugly to the long time users.
Focus inward. You have the power. All BS's and WS's do. We just don't all recognize it or know how to use it yet. You have all you need to handle any eventuality regardless of his choices.
For now, start to work on those internal vulnerable places. Reach out to him often and openly with love, remorse, transparency, consistent healthy choices. If he chooses actions that hurt you respond in ways that strengthen your healing not compromise it even if that means detaching and removing yourself. Release outcomes knowing you've got this, and you do...we all do :)
