SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, my husband is a frequent (and graphic) poster to several online forums about sex. I stumbled upon that secret more than a year ago -- and was not pleased -- but the real news is that this week I found evidence that he has used those forums to hook up at least once.

Some background: In early 2011 I wanted to print out a really good grocery coupon. I printed one from my laptop, and wanted to print a second one from my husband's computer. His laptop wasn't password-protected, so I hopped on it while he was sleeping in on a Saturday morning. While my coupon was printing out I noticed that his Yahoo email was open on the desktop but the name on it wasn't his. It was a "porn star name" -- something ridiculous and obviously fake. I didn't need to click on any of the emails because I could see from the subject line that he'd been posting personal ads on Craigslist and responding to others' posts as well.

So I did a Google search on his fake name and found his postings on online sex forums. Not only that, but he had posted photos of me! Not photos of my face, but photos of my legs and feet. I guess he took them one night after I had accidentally dozed off on the sofa. He posted my photos on foot fetish boards.

Most of his postings were first-person reviews of adult businesses, such as massage parlors and strip joints. He went into great detail about the women who worked there and the services he'd enjoyed. His avatar was his actual photo. His postings mentioned that he traveled a lot for his job and (accurately) named several cities he went to regularly. He also mentioned that he was open to meeting people for sex.

I confronted him, and at first he put on a big act about how he had no idea what I was talking about. I gave him some details about what I'd seen, and his response was to deny everything and call me a bitch. (I went back to the websites later that day and noticed that he'd deleted his postings and unregistered his user ID.) After a day or two he was apologetic. He explained that it was all a fantasy, that he'd created a fictitious character and that he'd never been to any of those places. He also apologized for posting my photos.

So I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, though I was careful not to sleep naked or go barefoot in the house. I always had clothes on -- including socks -- when he was around because I didn't want him taking any more surreptitious photos.

Fast forward to September 2012. Our two oldest kids -- we have three, ages 12, 14, and 16 -- were going to perform during the halftime show of a college football game. It's an annual event where high school bands join the college band on the field, and the kids love it. He didn't go last year because he had too much work (an excuse I no longer believe), so I thought he'd like to go this year. But when I asked him if I should buy him a ticket, he said that no, he'd rather not go. A few minutes later he reversed himself and said that yes, he'd like a ticket. So I bought tickets.

The day of the event he decided he wasn't going to go after all. It was weird -- I asked him something, and he blew up at me and called me a bitch. So I took our youngest child with me to the football game and halftime show while the husband stayed home alone.

His weird reaction got me thinking, so the next day I Googled his fake name from early 2011. Sure enough, he was back to his old tricks. In fact, he'd posted something the night before the football game! He was looking for someone to hook up with. I was furious!

Some more Google searches turned up multiple postings to multiple boards, plus photos of himself AND ANOTHER MAN masturbating with a pair of my shoes! I know they were my shoes because they are distinctive and his fake name was attached to the posting.

So now I know that I can't trust him. Getting together with another man for a jackoff party is cheating in my book. Another of his postings mentioned that he has a buddy he regularly meets with for these little parties with my shoes, so I'm betting that he's done this numerous times. The most infuriating posting was the one where he gave advice to other forum members: "If you're married, it's easiest to 'work late' and 'run errands' on the weekend." So now I'm looking back on all the times he was supposedly working late during the week and running errands all day on a Saturday.

I can just imagine what I'd find if I looked on his computer! Everything I've found so far has come up via a Google search. I don't think I want to know what's lurking on his laptop.

Now my dilemma is this: Stay with him? Or divorce? Neither option appeals to me. I lean strongly toward divorce, though, because even if we work through this and stay together, what's my reward? A husband I can't trust and find repulsive? I can't see myself kissing him ever again, much less anything more. In a few years our kids will be in college, then out on their own, and it will be just the two of us at home. Yuck!

Well, that's my story. Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by GrossedOut at 7:06 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)]

Divorce him. I am so sorry, but there is no hope for him or your marriage unless you amazingly develop the same fetish as him & decide you don't care if you have an open marraige or not.

Divorce him.

He has already sexually exploited you AGAINST YOUR WILL. That right there is reason enough to divorce him.

People with fetish issues don't get better.

Hi GO

Welcome, I am sorry you have to be here.

I am sure you are still in shock and just starting to come around.

I would start by reading the healing library (look up and left :) )

You do not need to decide anything right now. What you need to do is take steps to ensure you are healthy and able to take care of yourself. Drink, eat, sleep. It's a lot to digest and the roller coaster is only beginning.

I don't have any experience with fetishes, so hopefully someone who does will jump in and help.

But this

Not only that, but he had posted photos of me! Not photos of my face, but photos of my legs and feet. I guess he took them one night after I had accidentally dozed off on the sofa. He posted my photos on foot fetish boards.

Would be very disturbing to me.I don't care what part of my body it is. Taking a pic of you while you are unaware and using it in a sexual nature would be hard to take in.

I would get myself and my H into therapy ASAP.

Take care of you and the kids, post often, especially when you are feeling crazy, we have all been there.

((((HUGS))))

I forgot to mention -- I'm incredibly pissed off right now but I'm trying to be level-headed. I'm sleeping on the sofa, not in bed with him. I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow so I can get some solid advice on how to proceed as far as the kids are concerned. And I have an appointment (a free one-hour consultation) with a divorce lawyer on Friday.

I've been making photocopies of our car titles, tax returns, credit card statements, etc., and taking photos in every room in the house to document what we own. I'm prepping for divorce even though I'm not 100 percent on board with that decision yet ... maybe 90 percent.

My husband was also trolling craigslist. He also hooked up with another man(he gave him a "blow and go" in the family van one night after work. On d-day,while looking thru his secret email account,I came upon a picture of me(not my face,but me). He had sent it to a "kinky couple looking for another kinky couple. MY picture. he used me..as bait. He claims he was "only" trying to see if they'd send him back a pic.

My usual advice here on SI,to BW in our situation is that R is possible with a bisexual(and your WH is certainly bi,if not gay)spouse.

However,Im just over 2 years out,and my view has changed. This is HARD. I don't believe he's cheated on me since d-day(and Ive been watching). But knowing what I know,knowing he not "only" disrespected me by cheating on me,but by also sending my pic to a stranger...yeah. Fuck that. Don't waste the next 2 years of your life trying to R with a man who cheats on you AND hides his sexuality from you.

Fuck that.

get your ducks in a row and then tell him to GTFO.

Also,you need to see your doctor and get tested for STD's. Cheaters lie and minimize. He may say nothing physical happened..he's lying. Protect yourself,because he's shown he's wont.

Hi Grossed out....

You are doing the right and best thing with the Attorney and a counselor. Hopefully your attorney will tell you what evidence to collect now.

I know how you feel in a way. When I figured out my H had a problem, I was still not sure what to do. We had lots of good times in our lives -- I, too stumbled upon his weirdness and didnt know what to do...

I found a video of 4 hours of shaving--guess what they were shaving, he wanted me to blow kisses to women in other cars, I found sex toys for a woman in our home, and he was always checking out other women and trying to get me to check them out too...YUCK!!!!!

On this forum under I CAN RELATE, you will find a thread for spouses of sex addicts. YOu don't realize it now, but he is one.....Lots of us on this forum have experienced your shock...

They say for a person like this, they have to continually raise the bar to get crazier and crazier to get turned on. It usually leads to an arrest for indecent exposure, prost, etc.

Keep posting here, we are all very supportive no matter what you choose....

It's not a matter of IF, but When for these types of people.....

My usual way of thinking is to take your time...

BUT Your H took photos of you while you were sleeping and just like all cheaters risked your health by sleeping with you as well as who knows?

Unfortunately you more than likely only have discovered the tip of the iceburg.

I would start making an exit plan and discuss with your conselor how to keep your kids safe.

I would get into that computer to see what other pictures he may have.

Thank you all for your speedy and thoughtful responses. My intuition is screaming at me:

DIVORCE! DIVORCE! GET OUT NOW!

But the reality is we have been married almost 20 years, have three kids and a big mortgage, and this will be messy. My kids are old enough to handle some truth, but this is just so yucky.

I hope the counselor has some ideas on how I should proceed. What I really want from tomorrow's session is some advice on the short-term logistics. Should the kids stay at someone else's house for a day or two while Dick packs his things? Is it okay for them to stay here and keep up their usual routine? What should I tell the kids? I'll seek out some advice on my long-term concerns later. Right now I feel like I'm in crisis mode and need to get quick answers so I can take swift action.

You're right -- I need to get tested for STDs. My husband is bi-curious at the very least.

This whole this is just so revolting to me. I don't judge others for their sexual proclivities, but seeing a photo with MY SHOES -- shoes that I loved and wore all the time! -- makes me retch. I'll never wear them again -- that's for sure. In fact, I'm probably going to toss every pair I own into a trash bag and put them out in the garage. (Maybe I'll need them as evidence. Maybe I'll need to match them up to other photos. But I don't want them in my closet.) The only safe shoes I own are my emergency pair of black flats that I keep in the trunk of my car in case I break a heel or strap or something. Guess I'll be shoe shopping this weekend!

They say for a person like this, they have to continually raise the bar to get crazier and crazier to get turned on. It usually leads to an arrest for indecent exposure, prost, etc.

I was wondering about this. I am not the type to stand by her man while he's arrested for something disgusting and hurtful. If that's the path he's choosing to take, he can walk it alone.

I, too, have three children, a mortgage, and I've been a SAHM to boot. I am divorcing my sex addict with a disgusting fetish husband. I only wish I'd had the courage to divorce him years ago. No, the logistics of divorcing with children aren't easy. It's even harder when your spouse is a sex addict, because a SA spouse is a whole different kind of infidelity.

I pretty much never tell people right up front to divorce. But dadgum, I'm recommending it to you with all my heart.

My husband told me the entire first year after d-day that he was bicurious. I refused to accept that. No straight man is going to masturbate,or do anything sexual with another man. Your husband is at the very least bisexual.

Im sorry. I know this is so hard. So shocking. So confusing. I was in shock for 5 months after d-day.

As for what to tell the kids..how old are they?

On d-day,mine were 16,18,5,and 7. The oldest 2 know he cheated on me. My two little ones dont know. Although he and I had a fight last week and they overheard things. Nothing was said about his cheating on me,but they heard way more than they should have. I told WH to stop,that he was teaching his children *this* is how you treat your wife..he didnt stop. He's an asshole,but that's a whole other thread.

I had no issues about gay/bisexual people before d-day either. However,this is their father. I will never tell them what he did,or rather,I will never give them details about who he cheated on me with..because it would only confuse them..Hell..it's been 25 months for me and Im STILL confused!!

You know your children. Dont tell them anything you dont think they can handle. The general consensus on SI is split..half in favor of telling the kids..the other half says they shouldnt be brought into adult problems. It's a very personal decision to tell your kids. But know that either way,you will get support here on SI.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:24 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)]

You know your children. Dont tell them anything you dont think they can handle. The general consensus on SI is split..half in favor of telling the kids..the other half says they shouldnt be brought into adult problems. It's a very personal decision to tell your kids. But know that either way,you will get support here on SI.

FYI, I was a "dont tell the kids adult problems believer"

Not anymore,people find things out and trust me...THEY will tell your kids. Talk about confusion and pain

Now, I believe you tell them what they can handle for their age.

I'm sorry, but he has done so many things that are not only gross - they are disrespectful to you as his wife.

I don't believe that someone with this kind of fetish wants to change.

Throw him out. And throw out your shoes with him.

-slight t/j

I was on the side of "don't tell your kids" too.

Until the fight WH and I had the other day. Cheating wasn't discussed,but they heard enough to know something was very wrong. I kept telling WH "Your children are listening. You're scaring the kids. You're teaching them this is the way you treat your wife." he didn't listen,of course.

So after he went to work,DS9 asked me why daddy was so mad at me. I told him,"Daddy did something that hurt mommy very much,and made me angry. he thinks I should be over it by now,and Im not. So he is mad."

He then said,"So he did something and is mad at you because you're still mad at him? That's stupid."

I told him I agreed,and we went to play wii.

Thankfully,he didn't ask me what daddy did to make me so upset.

Because,at this point,because WH brought them into it when he yelled at me the other day in front of them,if they do ask,I will tell them the truth. I will NOT lie to my kids.

end t/j

So what is your WH's attitude about his...ummm...*issues*?

And as a aside....your WH has a *problem* and it is anyone's guess about whether or not it is a marriage-killer. BUT....he brought your SHOES into it!!!! WTF!!! That, all by itself, is sacrilege in the *girl code*. He can be as fucking twisted and *gross* as he wants to be.....but HANDS (and whatever else ) OFF the SHOES.

Sorry GO. (((hugs)))

I am wondering about HIS attitude right now, though.

Don't waste the next 2 years of your life trying to R with a man who cheats on you AND hides his sexuality from you.

Thank you for this. In my heart of hearts I know that divorce is something that needs to happen; it's just a matter of now or later. And I want to get it done so I can start living a better life. I shouldn't have to be on guard in my own home.

On this forum under I CAN RELATE, you will find a thread for spouses of sex addicts. YOu don't realize it now, but he is one.....Lots of us on this forum have experienced your shock...

Thank you! I'm still pretty dazed and I'm busy with work and kids, so I haven't explored this site very much yet. In fact, when I first registered, I received a rejection email! The reason I was rejected was that my IP had previously violated the rules of this site, but

today was my first time here. I wonder if Dick is registered here as a WH.

Unfortunately you more than likely only have discovered the tip of the iceburg.

...

I would get into that computer to see what other pictures he may have.

I want to know but I also don't want to know. I don't need to see every transgression.

Anyway, I'm sure he's covered his tracks. When I saw his online advice to other cheating husbands -- "If you're married, it's easiest to 'work late' and 'run errands' on the weekend" -- that really stuck in my craw. On Saturday he was glaring at me and giving me the silent treatment (because I'm such a bitch, you know). I happened to walk outside to my car at the same moment he was walking in from the mailbox. He glared at me as he passed, and I couldn't calling over my shoulder:

"I'm heading out to 'run errands on the weekend' because when you're married, that's easiest."

He stopped, muttered something, and stormed into the house. That night I did a Google search and saw he'd deleted that comment and a few others.

I, too, have three children, a mortgage, and I've been a SAHM to boot. I am divorcing my sex addict with a disgusting fetish husband. I only wish I'd had the courage to divorce him years ago. No, the logistics of divorcing with children aren't easy. It's even harder when your spouse is a sex addict, because a SA spouse is a whole different kind of infidelity.

I pretty much never tell people right up front to divorce. But dadgum, I'm recommending it to you with all my heart.

Thank you for this. I suppose this is going to be unpleasant whatever I do or don't do. I'd rather take control of my life with a divorce than passively sit back and wait for the next awful thing to hit.

Because,at this point,because WH brought them into it when he yelled at me the other day in front of them,if they do ask,I will tell them the truth. I will NOT lie to my kids.

I think I will take this approach. If Dick drags the kids into it, I'll explain some things to them.

So what is your WH's attitude about his...ummm...*issues*?

Are you kidding? He has no issues! javascript:AddSmily('%20%20')Really, now he's playing nice and insisting that he loves me and all that crap. For now I'm pretty much giving him the silent treatment. I don't want to say too much until after I've met with a lawyer.

GO, you crack me up.

I am getting a kick out of reading your posts. You are not completely *in your face* mad at your WH by calling him names....you simply refer to him as Dick. THAT is funny!

I couldn't calling over my shoulder:

"I'm heading out to 'run errands on the weekend' because when you're married, that's easiest."

O.M.G. I wasn't kidding. You are KILLING me over here. I LOVE it when the *two worlds collide*. Because it drives the WS *completely* nutso.

Are you kidding? He has no issues!

Darlin'. ^^^There's^^^ your answer right there. If *Dick* ( ) doesn't see the problem with molesting your SHOES, then....ummmm.....yea, it's L time.

Because if the shoes don't get him? The *bigger* shit is not going to phase him one bit.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:55 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)]

On Saturday he was glaring at me and giving me the silent treatment (because I'm such a bitch, you know).

Does your WH even WANT to reconcile???? Because that sure doesn't seem like *reconcile* type of behavior to me.

Does your WH even WANT to reconcile???? Because that sure doesn't seem like *reconcile* type of behavior to me.

He doesn't know we're splitting up, so the notion of reconciling hasn't come up. Reconciliation isn't an option as far as I'm concerned.

You're right -- I need to get tested for STDs. My husband is bi-curious at the very least

Bi-Curious is just a label that "Straight" people use for themselves so they don't have to admit to themselves that they are in fact Bisexual. Guys are the worst with this, as they don't want to deal with the Homosexuality stigma.

Sorry to say this, but from what you have told us, I would almost guarantee that your husband has had homosexual relations with other men. Most probably without protection as well.

In fact, when I first registered, I received a rejection email! The reason I was rejected was that my IP had previously violated the rules of this site, but

today was my first time here. I wonder if Dick is registered here as a WH.

No, this has happened to me AND my FWSO. Neither of us had used our respective computers for SI before. SI Admins corrected the issue and finally got me rolling, but my FWSO quickly lost his motivation to register after they denied him the first time. I'm not sure if your WH is on here, but this may be what happened if he isn't.