SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So this is a two parter..

First, WS came home from her last encounter with OM (over a month ago) and was incredibly itchy. Turns out he gave her scabies. Awesome, right? It gets better. Now it looks like my 2yo son and i have it too. We're all on medication and itching like hell. Luckily this is a treatable condition but it is not uncommon for it to persist within a family for some time as the parasite (super tiny bugs in your skin make you itch) can be passed back and forth between hosts and even live on it's own for several days. On the plus side, i believe this to be part of the reason that WS was able to break off the A, realizing that the OM had been cheating on HER and contracted this condition in the first place.

Second, WS might have herpes. We are still waiting for the tests to come back but if they are positive then she is legally obligated to inform her partner(s). This of course means that she will have to break NC in order to inform the plaguebearing shitbag OM that she has the disease and he probably does too. And yes, i've been tested and i have type 1 so chances are that so does WS and OM.

So how do i handle this? She has been doing really well with NC lately and isn't even checking her old email accounts for messages from OM. I fear that she will use this as an excuse to talk to him and even though she tells me she doesn't know what she would say i'm sure it would be more than, "I have herpes and you should get tested, goodbye". I want to say screw the law, NC is NC is NC and hell no you can't talk to OM! But i know that she feels strongly about informing him. I would ask to be present when she does it but i highly doubt that she would agree to that, insisting on it being a "private" conversation, which is complete bull, it involves me too and ANY contact with OM should be with me present.

The A is over but we're not in R just yet. Mostly still recovering and trying to keep a happy home in limbo. We are 3 months out from DDay but only a couple weeks out from REAL NC and her trying to work on things at home.

Advice?

~Larry out

could the clinic doing the testing send a letter informing the OM?

We are still waiting for the tests to come back but if they are positive then she is legally obligated to inform her partner(s). This of course means that she will have to break NC in order to inform the plaguebearing shitbag OM that she has the disease and he probably does too.

Is this how it works? I was always under the impression that it was give a list of names to public health officials and they would contact the partners informing them of exposure and requesting they come in for testing.

If it is up to WS to inform OM of the herpes, could she send a letter? It is breaking NC, but it is not as personal as a phone call, or an email with its tempting "reply" button. Something short and terse, like "Dear OM: I am obligated by law to inform you that I have tested positive for...". Send it certified so that you have proof of delivery.

Make sure that it is absolutely her job to do the informing and not the clinic's. I'm not sure how the clinic informing them squares away with HIPAA.

H and I were tested and both came up positive for Herpes and the clinic didn't ask either of us who we were sleeping with, nor did they tell us we needed to tell anyone. In fact, the nurse told me that (and I have confirmed this with the CDC) that more than 25% of the global population has Herpes. It's so common that most people have it and don't know. There's no cure either. So why on earth is the clinic telling you it's the law that you have to tell? If it was HIV, or syphillis, or something uncommon that could be treated and cured then that's totally different. Where is this law that you have to tell about Herpes?

And if you do have to tell, then YOU type an email to the POS OM and tell him to get his nasty junk checked because there's at least 2 diseases that he's likely passed on to your wife, and then leave it at that. SHE doesn't need to tell him anything, you have access to the secret email account with his email address, and you don't have to be kind in your notification at all.

The first thing I'd do is make sure that the parasite problem is solved once and for all.

Then I'd treat the scabies.

I'm so sorry. STDs add such insult to injury. And scabies is such a nasty infestation--they are hard to deal with and carry with them the .... I don't know, extra grossness factor. When your baby is also affected? I would be apoplectic.

It's true that some diseases are reportable. If your wife tests positive for herpes, the clinic can do the notification. She does not have to break NC.

If she went to a private doctor who will not do this, your health department will.

I'm sorry you are going through this. My WW passed along a nasty infection to me - she infected me, not the OM. I never slept with him.

I fear that she will use this as an excuse to talk to him and even though she tells me she doesn't know what she would say i'm sure it would be more than, "I have herpes and you should get tested, goodbye".

1) The health department writes him, if possible.

2) If the health department won't write him, then you do.

3) If for some reason she weasels her way into writing him, then hopefully before she gets tempted to say something else, she will remember...

That her actions mean that her CHILD and HUSBAND now are infected with her and OM's diseases. Literally.

Let's see if she can talk to him so nicely once she remembers that you and your baby are now itchy too.

And I totally agree with you - you *must* be present for any contact between them, and that should be totally non-negotiable.

(The reason why I say writing and not calling is a) she has no reason to hear his voice and it's suspicious she wants to call him in private - what, to sugarcoat?! and b) if it's in writing, then OM cannot deny that he was informed of his exposure (more like transmission).

I'm sorry.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:11 AM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

Ugh. So sorry, Larry.

I believe HIPAA can be met by the clinic having your WS's permission to notify her partner(s). If the clinic won't make the notifications, then maybe that notification can come from you rather than your WS, or do it by phone with WS on speaker with you in the room?

Hang in there. Hope you and your son get relief soon.

The first thing I'd do is make sure that the parasite problem is solved once and for all.

Then I'd treat the scabies.

hahaha, thanks for that, i always like to use humor to lighten the mood

If it's possible for the clinic or the health department to inform OM then i am all for that though i'm not too sure that WS will agree. She will feel the need to inform him on a personal level and take care of things that way. I will talk to her more once we get the results and know 100%. I don't know if she HAS to inform him in the first place, she is the one who keeps quoting that it is illegal not to inform.

I've done a ton of research into the STDs in general (not the legal aspect) and i saw the same figure for people infected with type 2 HSV (25%) but for type 1, what i have, it's more like 80%! Truth is that this could have easily come from anywhere and is usually passed from kissing relatives who have it. (type 1 is the oral strain, sold sores, and pretty common).

If we DON'T have to inform then it becomes more of a moral decision instead.. Since herpes can cause some serious complications to childbirth and is a very serious threat to newborns then i feel obligated to inform him for the sake of his next partner(s). I have some contact information for OMs ex and maybe one other recent partner. I've been tempted to call them in the past and let them know about what OM has been up to and this just gives me more reason.

I like the idea of writing but again, not sure if that will satisfy WS. Then again, maybe it will, maybe she will surprise me by allowing this with no fight at all.

Thanks gang!

~Larry out

I might look into a Tort case, depending on your WW's and AP's knowledge of having these infections, and their knowledge that WW would likely pass them onto you.

For me, it would at least be worth asking an attorney about.

Larry,

She can FEEL that need all she wants, to call him personally and inform him of the results, but that doesn't mean she gets to act on it.

NC is NC! Let the clinic inform him.

as for this:

I like the idea of writing but again, not sure if that will satisfy WS

Pardon me, but tuff fucking shit if doesn't satisfy her. Why does she get to decide? SHE brought this on to you and your child. SHE needs to respect YOUR feelings about NC. The way I see this, it's just a way for her to get a fix by talking to the OM again.

Not cool.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this shit.

Remember what we say around here: cheaters lie, liars cheat. Try this website on for size: http://health-care.lawyers.com/Do-You-Have-to-Tell-Your-Partner-about-an-STD.html

I am a Google certified Power Searcher & that site came up with the highest relevance...so your wife is wrong, so phooey for her needing to notify Plaguey Pauly. As for doing the right thing though, you might wish to take advantage of this older and popular website mentioned in this article: http://blogs.webmd.com/genital-herpes-intimate-conversations/2005/12/anonymous-std-contact-notification.html (the website mentioned is http://www.inspot.org/)

Let him be notified anonymously and let him worry who it came from because I'm guessing if he has scabies, your wife is lucky that's all she took away as a remembrance. If you stay a member here long enough you'll find out that cheaters not only cheat with each other, they share that they've cheated before & it's quite common, with men in particular, that they've got more than one cheating partner. I don't think your wife was that special & hopefully this will make an impact on her. I know in my flower power, love child, make love..not war youth, I got a case of crabs & I sure didn't feel special then...I felt dirty and trampy! Good luck, hope you all get better.

Larry, here's all I have to say this time... If after this (you getting an std and you and her completely INNOCENT son getting scabies because of her whoring around) she feels the need to inform this asshat on some personal level....if the very fact that her son is now infected is not enough to pull her head out, I would cut the strings and get her the hell out. NO freaking way! I'd also have a lawyer and be filing for custody. No way would I be okay with my partners affair affecting my CHILD on such a personal level, and then having such a lack of respect that they would consider breaking NC to gently inform them and possibly see if they're okay? No fucking way!

First, Larry, I am sorry this infidelity gift just keeps on giving.

It sounds to me like she is just looking for an excuse to contact him.

Remember what we say around here: cheaters lie, liars cheat. Try this website on for size: http://health-care.lawyers.com/Do-You-Have-to-Tell-Your-Partner-about-an-STD.html

My Google-foo is strong too, i found that same site a couple hours ago once i finally did some searching. After poking around some more it seems to be more of a grey area wherein lifelong afflictions (ie. HIV, herpes) might be grounds for a civil suit for damages. There is nothing criminal in a case like this, only in extreme circumstances or if you can prove malicious intent or something like that.

Pardon me, but tuff fucking shit if doesn't satisfy her. Why does she get to decide?

My fear at this time is that if she wants to talk to him then she will, there is no stopping that. We all know it doesn't take much effort for a WS to break NC if they really want to, payphones and new, secret, email accounts are all too easy to access. The truth is that i cannot MAKE her do anything and if she wants to talk to him then she will. It's my hope though to be present in whatever form this communication takes place and that we do it together. If i forbid her from calling unless i am there or if i try to send the email myself then she will just go behind my back and contact him on her own if that's her goal. I'd rather have full visibility of her actions so some cooperation may be in order.

I will let her know that breaking NC even for this is a huge setback for us and i will offer to send the note myself or anonymously or through a clinic. I keep thinking back to some advice another SIer gave me, 'keep taking away their obstacles until they are left with nothing left but the truth'. If the truth is that she wants to talk to him then she will insist on calling personally, if she really just wants to inform him and ease her own guilt somehow then she will be OK with some other way.. I'll bring it up with her tonight after our son goes to sleep.

~Larry out

I would ask to be present when she does it but i highly doubt that she would agree to that, insisting on it being a "private" conversation,

I'm going to put this as delicately as possible...

F*** THAT!

If she talks to him without you NC is broken...thank you for disrespecting our entire family one more time when you exposed us all and risked our health...now GTFO!

There is NO discussion. It's f'n "personal"??? How personal are the scabies she passed along to all of you? How personal is the type 1 you got? She feels "strongly"??? Her feelings do NOT get any priority whatsoever. For me....if she dared to even try to claim she, or OM, deserves any type of consideration for "privacy"...I'd let her know that it better be one hell of a conversation...because it destroyed any chance of the family staying under one roof.

Also please see a lawyer asap. You need to know your rights and how of this mess changes things. Endangering the health of your son and you and showing no real remorse for it on top of that, can significantly affect custody.

Clapping hands for you, Brandon! This isn't even my situation and I am fuming mad over it!

If she still wants to have "private conversations" with him then she is not over him.