SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I brought up the idea of talking and he just asked if there was anything new. I said no so he said in that case it isn't rug-sweeping.

He's going to talk to some of his friends and his brother. Even if nothing happens I feel happy knowing he's on side.

I'm going to stick to wishing I'll become old gossip. It's pointless hoping all the comments will stop but I hope most or at least some. If they're his true friends, surely they'll listen and respond.

I was hoping to be alone with my H tonight but then my sister came round. We really should get a revolving door.

Sienna,

Have you though of planning a date for just the two of you? No kids, no friends, and take him somewhere where you guys won't bump into a bunch of people you know maybe?

I'd love it. I just don't know he would.

It's strange, I know he wants to be with me and he definitely loves me. He's trying to forgive me but when we're alone together it's awkward. In front of friends or family or even the kids he can act normal easily. Alone I catch him looking at me funny, he's obviously thinking about things. I'm not sure he'd like a date.

The closest we got was going for a drink to a place no friends go. He was his usual self, then quiet and then suggested doing 'something' in there. I didn't want to, not in there anyway. This obviously caused a massive argument because of how I cheated on him. We used to go on dates but not for the last year or so, I miss them.

Alone I catch him looking at me funny, he's obviously thinking about things.

No. Not obviously. Don't ever assume you know what he's thinking. All you can do is ask what he's thinking about. Accept his answers and move on from there.

I used to think my BH was thinking about all sorts of things... he wasn't. Projecting our thoughts on our BSes is asking for trouble. Don't add to your woe by putting thoughts in his head.

Exactly what Wincings just said.

Why don't you ask him if you can plan a date for the two of you. And maybe not going out for drinks, but a nice dinner date. See what he says.

Thank you. I know I could be being paranoid.

I'll ask him. I genuinely just want to make it better.

Everyone in my family was different.

My oldest brother had the toughest time speaking to my H again. My brother told me "it's going to take a hell of a lot of work on his part for me to forgive what he's done to you" he wasn't kidding. It took over a year for my brother to visit me and have a conversation and shake his hand.

My mother forgave him, not sure like 6-9 months after we were in R. We visited her one day and when we were leaving my H steps out of the car and tells me "I'll be right back I have to do something" he went back and spoke to my mom alone. He asked for her forgiveness for hurting me so terribly, he told her he loved me and will work hard to try to make up for his choices.

He spoke to my sisters individually and asked for forgiveness as well.

I think his family and my family will always think of the A when we visit. They have never brought it up again but I know, I see how they look at him sometimes. It's like someone else here said "once a cheater always a cheater" you might never cheat again but the meaning cheater will loom over you always. It's like asking when a murderer will stopped being labeled or thought of as a murderer/ex murderer. My H or I never realized how long this would linger. I think it honestly takes years and years. I still feel that when old friends see us in public they act different like "hey! How are you guys doing! Haven't seen you in a while!" But it feels so phony

There's no hope with some of his family but, it's understandable and I can deal with that. They're great with the kids so, can't complain.

I'd like people to be able to talk about stuff without thinking 'not in front of them' and I know that takes time. My sister's on the other side, she'll say anything and sometimes that's no better.

I'm probably just ranting. Silly really.

Thank you though.

Sienna you seem o take how you are feeling about something and downplay it each time. Silly for you to feel the need to rant. You feel a certain way about your actions and want to talk about it but its been such a good day and you don't want to ruin it. It makes you feel bad that his friends say certain things but that's the way its always been or you brought it on yourself because you were promiscuous when you were younger. He looks sad and you worry but then he smiles and joke so you say nothing. When exactly do you express yourself? How do you tackle your issues and begin change if there's always a reason for you to stuff it a little deeper? Maybe I'm seeing it wrong but its the pattern I see throughout your posts here.

I agree. As soon as something becomes out of your comfort zone you squash it.

Your BH counts on this and so things remain status quo. The most growth comes from being uncomfortable.

The patterns will never change if you continue like this. And pretending it's okay doesn't make it okay.

I know, I get told that a lot but I really have caused all of this. I feel like I'm crying over spilled milk, just on a larger scale. I've also been told 'if you don't like being called a whore, don't act like one' and it's true. I'm complaining about people reacting to my own actions.

I don't feel like I have the right to complain. My sister had a go at H last night, they've always argued but it was killing me. The route she went down just made it such a way that if he was to say 'OK you're right, it's over' it would have been acceptable. I'm scared tha if I push him he might just leave. I've caused all these problems so how can I be upset over it now, it's too late the damage has been done.

I still find it difficult to know how I feel so if someone says 'do this feel that' I think, ok that's what I'll do. It's got so out of hand I couldn't honestly tell so someone what I think or believe in, not really. I can just give an idea or an explanation from common sense rather than feeling. Love goes in and out, someone holds me and cuddles me and It's like water through the cracks. I know I've gone wrong somewhere along the line but I can sort of 'play' right. I'm definitely rambling now.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 6:59 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

So you did what you did and that means you now get to say oh well too late now I guess this is just the way it is. Um that's not quite how it works unless you're trying to make no changes. Have you stopped being promiscuous? If so then what gives them the right to continue to say shit about it? People have the ability to change and grow but it seems like you're allowing your fear to rule your life. If you don't work on yourself then how do you heal this?

Yes I stopped, I did it thinking I could escape from myself, like I did before H. It worked for about a week then just looking at him that night it felt like a knife. I don't know what changed that night but I felt a relief at the guilt, it's sounds so awful to say that I know but really feeling something real made me feel human. I'm like a robot most of the time, programmed how to behave.

Sienna, this has been your pattern from the beginning. You don't believe you deserve to have a voice. You don't feel you are worthy of respect. You don't believe that at your core, you are a good person. You let your husband speak for you. It's almost as if you're afraid to be strong. Where do you think that comes from?

I'm like a robot most of the time, programmed how to behave

.

I believe this is because at a very difficult, critical time in your life, you disconnected. And you haven't been sure how or if you should reconnect. It feels very scary to you.

I'm not a good person, I don't know that I'm bad though either.

I wasn't quiet then as a teenager my home just went a bit crazy so I quietened down and got stuck in to tasks at hand. It was easy but I felt bored with it too. Bored of fixing everyones mess but at the same time, I had to help I felt compelled to.

I can be strong, just a different type of strong. When the sky's falling I can plough on and I think there's strength in that. When I've felt hopeless and considered giving in, I haven't and wouldn't. That's strength isn't it? Or maybe it's weakness to get there in the first place. I don't know.

When we argue I speak up but it's hard. The incident in the bar is a good example, I didn't want to do anything sexual in a bar so he asks why, I say I don't want to. He asked if I don't want to sleep with him, of course I do but not there. So he asked why it's ok with strangers? What can I say to that? No it isn't ok with strangers I don't want that either.

How can a normal person respect me? They might like me and love me but I've done noting to be respected. I don't respect me, I took drugs, slept around, cheated on my H. Even when pregnant I kept taking painkillers, I only stopped recently and if I'm honest it's only because the Doctor wanted to do a blood test and I didn't want pethidine showing up. I am horrible at making decisions, my H is much better.

Once again, you are minimizing yourself. Are you in IC?

You learned coping mechanisms that weren't healthy, they served you at the time, but they weren't good and they have gotten you in to trouble now.

You need to take a look at those and determine what you are going to do about them and how you are going to change it. It is up to you.

Yes I'm in IC but I think if I said everything she'd think I'm in a different place to where I am. I find life hard but I'm not going anywhere I just want it to be nicer I want happy thoughts and I want to actually enjoy my life, I have beautiful children and a loving husband, a job I've dreamed of. I should be happy.

I don't have time for a proper response. Perhaps other will say what I am thinking right now but I think you really need a bit of a wakeup.