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I've been keeping myself busy, but I am in terrible pain of missing my children. They have only been with her three days and are not coming home until tomorrow. How am I going to bear this for years to come?

It feels primal, the pain. I feel like a father whose children have been abducted or are lost. They are only nine and six and i just know they miss me so much. I crave to protect them but cannot. This pain is excruciating.

Please tell me THIS gets better.

...not with 50/50 custody it doesn't get better. It will get worse. If you are writhing in pain because you know your children miss you so much, why aren't you fighting for them? ...because they need their mommy more? How does that make sense?

Dad - start to think strategy and A-Game here as you work through this.

Your wife is NOT a good influence on your children.

Facts in evidence:

Text seen by your son

First opportunity she has with children, she's got them with OM.

First priority is not her children, or her family.

50/50 custody is NOT in your children's best interest. Yes they need their mother. 50/50 will not give that to them. They will be around the woman currently 'doing' another man and that is her first and only priority - not her children.

Get 65/35 custody with you having all legal decision making on behalf of your children. The text ought to seal the deal with your judge.

Should she show signs of being a mother first priority instead of OM's girlfriend, you can change the custody agreement.

But until then, think in the best interests of your children, GIVEN THE CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES.

Another thought

Early sexualization of sons leads them to serious confidence issues, and preoccupation with sexuality rather than sports, play, development of social skills, etc.

This will ruin them for the rest of their lives.

Right now, I know a woman who did 50/50 custody thinking that would force her husband to be a father.

Two of her three sons have served time in prison with one of them right now dodging a warrant (that's the youngest). The middle child has now gone through his first divorce because he was not actively taking care of his family/participating. He was very much like his dad.

The woman is now training a guard dog because that youngest son who is out dodging a warrant is very likely to come in and steal anything he can to perpetuate his lifestyle.

Can you imagine NOT wanting your child to even visit?

Your STBX is NOT a good influence on your children. You can't make her be a good mother and put her children first, anymore than you could make her be a good and faithful wife.

Take off the rose colored glasses here! You went through months of misery to come to the realization to move forward on behalf of your family.

Don't go just half measures here.

File.

Get full custody with limited visitation until she gets through the mess she feels like she wants to make of her life. Then it can be renegotiated.

What are the rules in your state for 50/50, and the kids ability to choose where they go. Your son is going to soon be old enough to make some of his own decisions, and may voice that he isn't comfortable going to mom's, when does he get a say in it? If you have 60/40 or Primary custody does that give you the ability to say "son says he isn't up to coming over today, so he's going to stay with me"? Or does the 50/50 give you that? Your daughter is a few years away from that ability to make those judgements, and will most likely follow suit from what her big brother does.

Remeber though that your wife in her present state of mind, and level of functioning is not a good mom, she isn't putting the kids, first, second or even third. That being said is it ok for them to spend time with her if she is so blatantly going to place them lower on her priority list?

Just some food for thought.

Tell me yet again that you were in excruciating pain, were in love with your spouse despite the horrors visited upon you and your children, were convinced that you will never feel better and would be genuinely happy after divorce, but you did it anyway... And now you are happy

I know the thread has moved on, but I will respond to this. I was absolutely positive I was in love with my X. I was sure I was happy with our life, in spite of all the things he'd done to us. If he would just act like the man I knew he could be, we'd be fine.

I kicked him out in 2008. He is still EXACTLY who he showed me he was in those horrible years. He is emotionally abusive to our kids. I tried to stay in my home and budgeted down to the penny, and as long as he paid child support, I would be fine. He lost his job shortly afterwards and is happy to let flavor of the week pay for him. He gets jobs, making less than ever, keeps them for a short time, and sometimes I get the full amount for CS, more often I get $10/week and the judge allows this because it "shows he is trying", and even more often I get nothing at all. The more distance I get from him, the more I realize, THIS is the man he is. Those years where he was decent were an act. He's been this horrible person for almost a decade now.

The first couple years were horrendous, and I was devastated. He walked in and caught me in the middle of writing my suicide note on the bathroom mirror with an eye liner pencil. There were days I laid in bed and cried until I was sure I was dehydrated. There were days I passed out when I stood up because I hadn't eaten in who knows how long. There were days I prayed to die. I cannot tell you how many times I feared I was the problem, I was a failure, I would never be happy again, I would never be loved again. I tried to be nice to him, I tried to do the "right" thing. I tried to make sure the kids got time with the father they loved.

Eventually, I could pretend things were fine again, even though they weren't. I enjoyed picking out my own car without his input. I loved that the kids rushed to me to tell me things, and I enjoyed having some weekend time without them so I could do things I enjoyed. I threw myself into school, sometimes taking 7 or 8 classes at a time and getting good grades. I still tried to make sure the kids had a relationship with their father. We did lose the house, but, ended up in a house they loved even more.

Today is my 1st anniversary to my new husband. And, I have no idea what made me think X was so amazing. I have no idea how i put up with his crap for so long. I'm ashamed I was ever that weak. The boys have gotten older, and we've had to move again, but, they kept the old friends and made new ones. We plan to stay put now for awhile.

And, I'm so glad I didn't let him get 50/50, I wish I hadn't tried so hard to facilitate their relationship, because, now, they are trophies for him. They eat too much, and they grow too fast and they are too expensive, and he doesn't have the gas money to take them to soccer practice. But, you can be damn sure that those 1/4 of the games he makes it too, he makes sure to tell everyone how they get their soccer skills from him. He makes sure to tell people he's their father, because everyone assumes my new husband is, because new H is involved, and X isn't. He always points out that new H isn't their dad. He doesn't want to buy them new clothes but he puffs up with pride when somebody notices the younger one is 6 inches taller than every other kid his age. He involves the kids in his relationships from day one because he says he doesn't want to get attached to somebody and then find out later the kids hate her and he have to break up with her. They've hated his last 3 girlfriends, and when they say so, he tells them he doesn't care, why don't they want him to be happy.

We have provided a stable home, we've provided for all their needs, I have a husband who would love to adopt the kids. But, my generosity in allowing them into his white trash hell hole has come back to bite me. I can't even imagine how it would have backfired if we had tried 50/50.

So, my long drawn out reply was to point out some similarities.

*Yes, I was devastated and heart broken

*I was going to keep my house too, because I was counting on someone who showed me they couldn't be counted on.

*I was going to be the good parents, who was going to make sure her kids spent time with the other parent because they loved him.

So, to follow up those similarities

*It got SO much better than I ever dreamed. (I literally said to my husband last night "I didn't even know this was something to hope for. I didn't know this was possible. it was possible to be this happy.")

*Please, don't count on her. Count on yourself, budget for YOUR income. Save the rest. If she follows through, they take the kids to Disney, or buy them cars when they turn 16, or help pay for college. But, don't count on it. She's shown you who she is.

*Think of the future. It will be easier to draw things up one way now, than to change it later. If you go for full custody, and later decide it was a mistake, you can change that more easily that removing custody in the future. You say you can't move because kids/friends/home/stability. But, I'm an adult and can't imagine trading back and forth every week. How is that stable in any way? It doesn't seem like the kids have two homes, it seems more like they have no home. I know people make it work, but, I fail to see how that can be good for the kids.

Broken people that don't get help remain broken. I have 50/50 custody as well and I "thought" my STBXW was a great Mother. It's been almost 1 month since we officially S for the 1 year waiting period before D can be final and in 4 weeks I already regret not pushing for more custody. In my case 50/50 was about the only thing she asked for. I got EVERYTHING else I wanted in the agreement.

Being the responsible parent means we pick up the slack during our 50%. Just 1 month in and I already see negative things like her letting the kids stay up way to late at night. So by the time they get to my house on Friday for my week they have a huge sleep deficit that takes them almost the entire week to bounce back from. My son had a meltdown in daycare the other day because he was tired. I can't do things in the evenings with them because I HAVE to get them home and in the bed so they can get enough sleep. I had a discussion with STBX about this yesterday. Seh agreed to get them in the bed sooner. I will believe it when I get good night phones calls around 7:30 or 8:00pm instead of 10:00pm.

Exhibit 2: She said she will call them every morning and every night. That lasted for 2 weeks. Now it's sporadic when it's my time to keep them. It's like she is enjoying her freedom and getting her "do over". That's fine by me because I don't have to hear her voice on the phone and the kids don't even ask if they don't talk to her anymore.

Exhibit 3: She lets them watch TV and play video games all the time when they are with her. It takes me at least 2 days to get them back to normal when they come to my house. They think they should be able to do whatever they want. STBX used to tell me they needed to read some books and practice writing but that seems to have gone out the window at her house. However I have been doing that and going over things they will be learning in school next year.

In the big scheme of things I consider these issues minor that I can counteract but I expect things to go down hill that much faster as STBX shrugs off the guilt and goes right back to black hole filling behavior. She has refused to develop adequate coping skills for her life. I really expect things to get worse once she finds a new man. The selfishness will ramp up considerably then.

My point is do what you feel is best concerning custody AD but don't expect much of anything from your STBXWW once the D is final. If they are broken now and can't fix themselves they will likely remain broken after the D and continue to delude themselves, blamshift, and avoid taking responsibility until they hit some kind of bottom. Even when they hit bottom it doesn't mean they will finally get it and clean up their act. Focus on making sure your kids have a stable home and parent that does provide boundaries for them and teaches them to be responsible. They will have enough to deal with when they are with your STBXW. The D isn't going to wake her up or push her to become better. It will free her to go even further in the wrong direction if she is inclined to do that.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:18 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

Thank you for,your detailed comments and advice. I take them seriously as always.

My STBXWW just texted me that is going to email me her ideas "regarding mediation...in what she believes is in the best interests of the children".

I predict a list of selfish, unreasonable demands, e.g., that she will be forced to work to pay CS and therefore not be able to spend as much time with them as I do.

And god save me from her NPD wrath if I disagree, object to, take issue with, or say "no" to any of them. I will then be accused of not looking out for the children's best interests.

Remember yesterday, the sweet nurturing persona? Here comes the other one...cycle cycle...

What a rollercoaster.

Keep the kids first and foremost as you have been, Abbondad. If her "thoughts" are out of line with what you believe is best for the kids, stand your ground.

Continued strength to you.

Here is her Email. Comments? (Please note the very last line. She does not want to be forced by law to pay for anything. She wants to dictate the rules.)

Hi Abbondad,

Here are the options as I see it now for our mediation and the difficulties inherent in my employment opportunities.

1. I am currently on a waiting list for a contract job with the school system. This employment would bring a salary of $50,000 without health insurance or benefits as well as several other contract positions offering similar salaries.

2. For the past two months, I have applied to several jobs outside of my industry but have not had successful offers. I am still actively pursuing my interest in getting certified as an Addiction Counselor with the hopes of securing a more meaningful job that allows me more time with the children.

3. I can work a regional high pressure operations job requiring 55-60 hours of work each week and associated travel (mostly in Florida) with typical expense layouts, wear & tear on the car, and some reimbursement for these expenses. This is not ideal, however, it is a current offer and as you are aware I have basic expenses/health insurance that I must be able to afford. I won't really know the extent of my travel requirements as the job is in a growth phase. To start with I anticipate at least 4 nights a week being away from home.

In order for me to be successful in the Regional Operations job, I will need your continued support, flexibility and cooperation. Then I can afford to pay the amount needed to support the home in addition to my own place and associated expenses for the next school year or as long as I have this Regional Operations job. Please let me know what that amount is. I want a 50-50 legal child sharing arrangement. During my travel days, I would like the kids remain with you, the neighbors or J. as baby sitters at this time. I would like the children most weekends if I am to be away from them the majority of the week.

What I am not comfortable with is accepting a high pressure, regional job wrought with industry instability, while giving up my time with the children in order to pay for our home expenses, my apartment, and palimony. Given our situation, I think it is logical to work out a flexible mediation agreement between the two of us as I have outlined above. If it's your continued desire to have this agreement be governed by the letter of the law as you have previously stated, please let me know.

Here is her Email. Comments? (Please note the very last line. She does not want to be forced by law to pay for anything. She wants to dictate the rules.)

AD, good for you on picking up on this right away.

From one divorced BS to another- get it in writing.

Keep reminding yourself that if it isnt in writing, it isn't enforceable. That basically means you'd be dancing to her tune for the rest of the time your kids are minors (and possibly beyond).

Second, doesn't your WW have a high paying job at the moment? In other words, the first two items on her list are not even a reality and should not be at the top of your list of things to worry about. Her employment is her issue.

Were I you, I'd get your MSA/divorce finalized with support fixed in at the HIGHEST amount possible. If she wants to take a large pay cut in the future, you and the kids wont be screwed (yet again) by that decision.

Second, doesn't your WW have a high paying job at the moment?

No, she lost that job. But she does have on the table an active offer for another high-paying job. What she is saying is that she doesn't want to take it since she then won't have 50/50 with the kids as the job requires so much travel.

Karma? Sort of?

AD, don't respond to this mess. She is trying to pull strings...let it go and let her deal with her life. Plan your ideal position (and by ideal, I mean ideal for you and the kids) and plan your fallback position. Go to mediation and mediate from your ideal and see what happens.

Ex-shat was similar to this...except he was planning how I should proceed in my life so that it was the greatest benefit to *him*. Fuckthatshit.

I made a plan for my life as to how I ideally wanted to raise my son. I counted ex-shat as a non-factor in raising Teslet because he is broken and refuses to get help. How can he attend to his son's needs when he cannot attend to his own?

Was it difficult to get to that point with the man I loved above all else...of course. But I'm glad that I did...because I can tell you, 8 months out from D...I did right by my son.

Ok. So what's your plan?

I am alternating between refusing to respond to any of it (and most of it we already discussed at first mediation), and just stating the obvious: "That job offer a still on the table? Great, go for it! The rest of it? We will discuss it at mediation."

She is baiting me. I don't want to bite.

As far as "palimony" (aka spousal support), I don't even think I qualify or at least not for much. I probably was t even going to demand it. I just want out.

And now I am having serious third thoughts about the house. You see what I'm dealing with? Staying in our marital home would just lead to more NPD behavior since it is "my house too!!"

This is the response I sent:

"

This is not ideal, however, it is a current offer and as you are aware I have basic expenses/health insurance that I must be able to afford."

That's great that the offer is still on the table. As they say "a bird in hand is worth two in the bush." As I said before I think you should seriously consider taking it, but of course it's up to you...

I think the Home expenses come to around 4,000 a month.

These two scenarios--you taking this job and this rough figure for the home expenses--are I believe being written into the MSA agreement draft. (Note: it's just a draft.)

The other stuff we will discuss at mediation.

Do you want to see if we can meet earlier than the 28th with The mediator?

Dad- it's not her house. She abandoned it. You can get the house in the proceedings where she has no 'ownership' rights even though her name may still remain on the mortgage.

Now, she may feel differently about that. But that's too bad. As my dad says, "It's the screwing she gets for the screwing she got."

Forgive me for not remembering, are you not employed?

She abandoned it

That's hard to prove, no? In any case I don't want to go there unless pushed.

Forgive me for not remembering, are you not employed

?

Me? Yes, I am.

Absolutely easy. You've been journaling/keeping a calendar right? Add to that HER name on the apartment lease. House is yours.

If this went to trial, her CS would be dictated by her last 3 years of employment I believe. Health insurance is mandatorily kept in her name. Were she to take the school position, she should be required to purchase a policy that would maintain the current level of coverage.

I know you want to keep this amicable. You are holding all the cards. Have you asked a lawyer what the likely outcome of taking this to trial would be? That should be your negotiation standpoint through mediation.

As a father who had primary custody of my son, I can tell you her behaviors are scary as it relates to your kids. How did she introduce your son to him? How did his awareness of the fact that this was the OM NOT enter her mind? Her concerns are all about her and how this affects her lifestyle. All of her posturing about best interests of the children sounds coached. Straight from her lawyer.

I'm afraid your in a fight that you are not seeing the totality of!

Strength

Know your enemy, her name is.....

It is in your childrens best interest that you and your STBXW structure your lives, and your agreements, with the least amount of conflict and stress.

The less that one of your depends on the other, or have co-mingled interests, will probably be best for your kids.

Remaining in a home that you can't support AND accumulate savings means you will be stressed. Any CS payment, or palimony payment, that arrives late will create stress, and conflict.

Let the law dictate CS, and palimony, and you decide where you can live AND accumulate savings. It isn't in your childrens best interests to hear you stall creditors or to have you on edge worried about bills and supporting your self in retirement.