SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You've received great advice here. I can't really add anything more other than encouragement. It's a tough walk of the tightrope trying to figure out if/how to help with out be enabling bad behaviors.

One poster asked what changes you have seen I her. Like the SI motto, do her actions speak louder than her words?

Good luck!

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this again; I know how deeply she hurt you.

I agree with the others that you know the right thing to do, but that doesn't make it any easier.

(((Moo)))

This DD and XW have a pretty good relationship. I am not sure if she has asked XW if she could live there or not. I know that XW probably has little money, she likes living paycheck to paycheck so that may have forced DD to seek me out. My home has enough bedrooms for everyone to have their own space. While Mom's house is one bedroom short. (or 2 if her SO has his DD)

I don't see her living with me as an option that I can live with. I haven't seen any efforts because I am not in her life. She might need to move and find a room mate to lower her expenses.

I do know that she is showing some drive. She did all the work to get into jr college and had gotten funding for Fall 2012 and this Spring 2013 which is a big step for her.

I guess I just need to know more details and get a read on the situation when we meet. Luckily there is time to think things through.

Moo,

I understand how you are feeling. I feel similarly with regard to my 17 yr old step son. He has a very entitlement mentality and is often quite disrespecful towards me and has been.

When xWW left, I gave him the option of staying or leaving. She would have been crushed if he stayed with me and he knew he couldn't leave his mother. However, now that he has been out of the house for over a year, I would be very reluctant to let him come back.

Financially, I am more willing to help him as I can. The car he has needs work to pass emissions. I plan to cover at least some of the cost so that he can get to and from school this fall. I hope to be able to help a little with college expenses. How much depends on how he reacts and responds to me. Disrespect me and the money stops.

FWIW I would suggest that you consider a similar strategy. Help her out financially if you can up to some limit but make her find a place or live with her mother unless you can see some concrete actions that she has changed or is honestly working on it. If you were to allow her back, I'd suggest some clear deal breakers that would result in eviction within a week.

Good luck my friend. I know this is not easy and outright sucks. And I too agree that you have great judgement. Trust yourself to make the right decisiojns.

Just remember that when you meet with them you do not have to decide anything right then. See what the issues are and what is actually needed versus what is wanted.

Then take that information home and think it over. Take your time. No need to rush anything.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

(((Moo)))

I am sorry you are struggling with this. I have no advice because I have no experience with this type of thing. But my gut reaction, for what it is worth, was that you need to have some tough love here.

The roommate idea is excellent. Perhaps this would be the most acceptable solution for everyone.

(((((Moo))))))

No easy answers. You're a good dad.

She might not have financial aid because she missed a deadline with her FAFSA. If that is the case, she can still fill it out and appeal the school's decision. If the school knows she cannot attend without the aid - they have ways to make sure she is still a student, reducing tuition, school grants instead of federal financial aid, etc. It may take extra forms and visiting the financial aid office at school and jumping thru hoops... but it is doable.

No college/university in this day and age has given out ALL their financial aid at this time. If this were July/August I might believe it. But not at this time.

It will be a humbling experience for her to have to ask for financial aid office help..but it is doable. It may not cover what was lost, but it should come close.

Hugs,

K

PS.. I know because DD1 has spent her college career working in financial aid office. AND DD2 missed her schools deadline this year..DD1 is advising DD2 and she is jumping thru hoops...

[This message edited by Kajem at 8:25 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

((Moo)) Sorry you're dealing with this again. I do NOT think you should let her move back in again. Trust your gut on this.

I do think you need more information before offering financial help as well. I used to work in financial aid at a college and there are very few situations where someone does not receive ANY aid. Just about everyone, short of a criminal, qualifies for student loans at the very least. Usually aid gets cut off due to suspension for bad grades or for social reasons. I, for one, would be reluctant to finance anything for someone that flunked out unless it was for valid and documented reasons - medical reasons or death in the family type of thing.

Hang in there and I hope you can find a solution that brings you peace.

eta: Don't take what she says about the financial aid as gospel. You can ask questions at any college financial aid office to find out the rules. You may not be able to get specific information about her situation due to privacy laws but you can certainly ask questions about the laws and policies that govern financial aid.

[This message edited by kernel at 8:23 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

(((Moo))) I'm sorry that you're going through this right now

(((Moo)))

This sucks, and it sounds like you have a VERY realistic view on things.

I would say IF you choose to help financially I would make it very clear to her the expectations you have of her getting this money, either as a loan, or a gift. I would also make her sign a contract for what those expectations are. If she went to a bank, and got a loan, she would have to do this. It's a good life lesson, and doesn't have the penalities to ones credit that happen when money runs tight.

Some random thoughts, from someone who's never been in this sitch...

My son moved back home for a year after college. It was AWFUL! We had just a very loose agreement, so I, too, recommend setting up a pretty tight contract WRT you want and will/will not tolerate, with documented consequences.

I wonder if it would be better to meet with your daughter alone, without your XW.

I'm inclined to think your best bet is to negotiate with her what your relationship will be if she moves in with you. I'm speaking about the emotional part, not the practical things. For example, is she prepared to respect you, or is she simply prepared to not show you disrespect? Or does she want you simply to be an ATM and dorm as someone else said?

There's no right answer here - it comes down to what you want and are willing to do.

Have some faith in yourself. Use your Guide capabilities on yourself, and if you're still uncertain, you can always count on SI members for good opinions.

Thank you for all your advice and wisdom. You've helped me lower my anxiety.

We met tonight to understand where she is in expenses and spending and what went on with her financial aid being 0. Basically her application was rejected for not supplying any income information from a parent. So we will reapply here and see what she is eligible for.

We discussed her needing to knock out luxury expenditures. And talked about keeping a record of where she is spending so that she can see where her money goes. We will meet again on this soon.

As for living conditions she is going to look for a cheaper place which is entirely possible. So we will wait on the results of that search

Sounds like a good plan Moo. Stick to your gut feeling on this. It is time for her to be a grown up.

I think you did a great job, Moo! You didn't bail her out or enable her, but you're showing her how to be responsible, teaching her healthy alternatives. That's being a great parent!!

Sounds like a solid plan. ((((moo)))))

Sorry I missed this when you needed help Moo. First I have heard of her being adopted, but I remember the agonizing posts when the drama was going on. Never got the impression you viewed her as anything less than a real daughter.

People can grow a lot in two years, especially when those years cover HS graduation. That being said, I think you are right to be concerned about letting her back until you have further info, as your twins need a stable and drama free environment. I have seen the results of a drama filled older sibling moving back in while younger siblings are still going to school, and it is not fair.

Hope everything works out on the financial aid, and with your daughter in general.