SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for bumping. Very helpful thread.

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Very helpful information SOMER222. I am so sorry you went through that and so amazed at the courage you had to leave. I don't trust anything he says, but I am biding my time in order to get myself strong and self-sufficient for my daughter and then a decision can be made.

My WS has been with more than 10 escorts and sex with 2 and I believe NONE of that. I believe this has been going on our entire relationship. I believe he thinks I should just get over this. I believe he thinks his behavior was because of what a horrible wife I was. Time will help me make the best decision for myself and my daughter - I know in my heart what it really is.

Thank you again for the information.

OpenEyes...I am so very sorry you are going through this. As you can see from this thread, there are many of us who have had to deal with this type of betrayal.

he thinks I should just get over this

With an attitude like this, don't believe for one nanosecond that he is even remotely remorseful.

he thinks his behavior was because of what a horrible wife I was.

Of course he will think this, because it is much easier, more comfortable to blame you rather than look to his own messed up self for the answer to why. Please know that his choices have nothing at all to do with you, but everything to do with him. Take care of your heart ((openeyes))

[This message edited by boontje at 6:33 PM, December 12th (Friday)]

Thank you Boontje :-)))

Thanks for bumping. This whole thing sucks!!!

bump for new members

thank you for bumping.

I JFO last week that my SAWS has been using Adult Friend Finder for the past 12 years, 25+ ppl, which is our entire friendship/dating/married history. Happily married 2.5 years and planned our family together, what i thought was a devoted partner and father... We have a 4 mos old and my world is completely shattered.

He is out of the house and seems to follow my every request, but wants to move back, is seeking counseling, as am I, and seems relieved that I found out b/c he didn't have the strength to stop on his own after many failed attempts. Stems from a childhood incident. Says he's been living in false realities.

He's given me a "timeline" from what he remembers of people, couples, locations, hotels...as this seems like the only way i can start to process our life together that is now a complete lie. i'm just beginning to dig...

Both of us tested negative for STD's...the one light in this dark world.

Has anyone with SAWS and children worried about child abuse? I am scared to death of him being alone with our baby. Not that he would take her, he just seems so devastated that he is not able to spend time with us every day. I told him I can't live with him right now if he wants us to R, it's too painful and i have so much anger that i'm trying to shield our baby from.

i'm considering MC as well, but it seems there aren't any CSAT in our area. I don't know if i can sit in a room with him and hear him talk about the why's of his behavior...what has others R and MC looked like? Is there hope at all if he is truly trying to change?

I don't know how to begin healing at this point...aside from survival and caring for our infant. I want to take time off of work but am so scared of jeopardizing my own means of income/independence should i seek a D. although now, thank you somer222 i will also look into annulment. there is no way i'd ever have married him had i known. but now we have a child and that may change things...

talking to friends and family feels impossible. how do i possibly tell my mom that her favorite son in law has done this to us? she has been living with us temporarily to help care for our baby. thinks he is out of town working. i may break down and tell her i'm just afraid of the backlash and not having any control.

i just can't imagine a future with him...and the alternative is just as hard. we just started building a family and now every hope and happiness is stolen. i'm desperately trying to find examples of hope...if anyone has some please share. this really is the worst club in the world :(

Have read on several profiles that WH had "long term affair" with prostitute. Am curious as to how exactly that works--does it mean the WH is actually romantically involved or do they continue to have to pay? My WH saw the same Backpage prostitute about 6 times over 2 months--he was trying to groom her as a person to "date" once a week--he wanted it to be "free" ---she was grooming HIM to be her sugar daddy so she pretended she "liked" him like a boyfriend. What is the point of making a prostitute into a LTA exactly--

I am so glad I found this! I need to share! I feel so alone.I can't tell anyone because I want to R and they will all hate him and tell me to leave. First of all we have a 6 week old baby who was 1 1/2 months early that we tried 2 years to concieve! Dday was when our baby was just 3 weeks old!!! He just confessed one week ago. He admits he only confesses because the condom broke! He went to a massage parlor supposedly expecting only a hand job but THEN SHE OPENED her legs ( these words resonant in mind constantly). I was pregnant and uncomfortable the last 2 months I was pregnant so I withheld then he knew he had 6 weeks more so he felt a happy ending was just the solution. He is a selfish pig for doing this to me and our new family. I am an idiot telling everyone how he has been such a great husband and father and how I feel in love all over. What an idiot! He has remorse but we are tainted now. How can we ever be the same how can I ever be intimate without thinking of where his penis has been! Std screens neg. Have to wait 6 momths for hiv status.

Wehadit- it's pretty late here and I've got to go to bed....but....I felt the need to respond to you, albeit pretty short. How sad it is that your time now with a new baby has been sullied by the selfish, immature and lowlife actions of your WH. You aren't alone. This has affected way, way too many people. This particular thread doesn't get a lot of action somehow...you might want to post in Just Found Out as well. I would suggest for now you read a ton on here; it'll help. That bastard ought to be pretty effing sorry for what he's done to you. I'm just shaking my head and feeling ill for you. Be very good to yourself right now. I'm so sorry.

Good morning Wehadit. I had something else to share with you. I see that you report that your WH said his intent was to buy a handjob, but then the prostitute 'OPENED HER LEGS'. When I was first finding out and firing questions at my WH, I innocently asked "you kissed her? You kissed someone else too?" ... Begging for it not to be true, this shocking , vile thing... And my husband answered 'she kissed me'. And of course that answer hurt my ears, didn't ring true, and like the 'she opened her legs', is a cowardly attempt to blame the prostitute and play the somewhat innocent little boy. Except they're not 8. They had full knowledge of what they were doing; what they were desiring to happen, what they were paying for. It is exceedingly common, but don't let him blameshift.

Got me is spot on. My understanding of Asian massage parlors is the man selects the prostitute and indicates which service he wants--and has to tip accordingly. Check your bank statements for ATM withdrawals--Asian whores typically charge 60 for massage--then the tip is based on the sex act --hand job is cheaper than blow job or vaginal penetration. But make no mistake, the customer makes the decision on what sex act is performed.

Bump for new member

OMG! So glad I found this thread. I've been here a few weeks and thinking all the thoughts described here. This is amazing information and so helpful.

One year ago I discovered WS was "seeing" a 20 something former teen beauty queen he said he met at a party. He supposedly broke it off but blamed it on me, mainly for my inattentivenes. (A few years before I found charges to a "friend" site which he admitted exploring but never pulled the trigger). I spent the last year in emotional hell trying to be a "better" wife while he raged unhappily about everything in his life. In December, I saw notifications from a Sugar Daddy site. He admitted he met the beauty queen (I googled her and she was a runner up) on there but only just revisited because he "was feeling so bad about himself", my fault again, and also partners at work's fault. Stupid me steamed and moped but let it go, and told him he needed IC which he started. I also asked for MC but he said he needed to work on himself first.

Mid-January, I found many texts to different women including the beauty queen requesting a date. I snooped for a few days, found phone records, and his Sugar Daddy profile, which it turns out he set up in June 2013, way before he ever admitted.

I got tested, and saw an attorney, starting to get my ducks in a row. I also moved substantial funds to an account in my name only and got a huge credit limit increase on my credit card. I am fully aware of our finances because I handle them all,including taxes, except for investments, which I have full access to. If there is money going out, other than small change, he is using funds I have no access to or knowledge of origin. Our credit report looks fine.

I finally confronted him by text with some of the evidence because I simply couldn't face him. His immediate response was mega remorse and begging and saying he didn't want a divorce, he's working on himself in IC…

We have two teenagers at home whose world will rock if we split and are my biggest concern (which WS would say is part of "our" problem.) I let him come home and we have been "pretending" for the kids that things are ok. He has been out of town some of that time so I didn't have to see him. He assures me nothing is going on any more and he has shut down his profile. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him and there is still evidence of one to whom he is connected buy a work project. He said this ends next week and there will be no more contact.

I have been on a roller coaster of wanting to be as mean to him as possible, which is pretty easy, and doing the 180, which is harder. I am ambivalent at this point and have even admitted to myself that if nothing changed in my life, except he was absent, I would be fine with that. But I don't know if this is "my" fog or my true feelings. CaAs far as sex, I cannot fathom. He does have good qualities beyond this secret self. He's a rally good dad and has provided me with all the creature comforts I could ask for, including companionship. We built a family and a business together.

Then my brain says I am only interested in R for the children, and then possibly only until they leave home in 2-3 years. It is truly a roller coaster. How can I even begin to forgive and forget? Does that make me a sick and shallow person?

I have been obsessed with the details but it doesn't matter how many really. I only grill him to make him feel miserable when I 'm not practicing 180. I have tons of evidence which I have not shared with him, My attorney says it doesn't matter in my state which is no fault.

I have no way of knowing if there is still contact with secret phones, etc. i could hire a PI but that's a lot of money and only proof if they catch him in the act. I'm not interested in being his mother where he reports in. As I said, I am ambivalent except for damage to my kids. I can even see myself hanging out for a couple of years. Do I need a post nup for that?

Sorry for the ramble but it feels good to share with others who can relate. Should I post elsewhere for more input? Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by Momo2 at 2:07 PM, February 4th (Wednesday)]

Females that sell their bodies and souls for sex would probably not meet your WH for free- he must have another source of income that is hidden from you if he is a "sugar daddy" --has he admitted to any PA with any of these prostitutes? If has used marital funds to buy these persons then you need an accounting. So disgraceful and demeaning for a man of his age.

So glad to have found this thread. Hath, thanks for your posts…they are a textbook for those who of us have just found out.

My story has a bit of a twist. My WH has had many (who knows how many) anonymous encounters with men at adult bookstores/theaters and, more recently, with men he found through gay hookup websites. He admits to "a few" encounters, but through my detective work, I know that that's probably more likely a few hundred. He swears he has stopped, but my gut and the checking account balance say otherwise.

D-day was three months ago. His is in IC, but I think he is telling them what he thinks they want to hear. We have had some MC sessions, but they have not been useful. I think he needs a lot more IC before we continue that.

I agree so much that a visit with a lawyer is definitely a good idea. I got so much information about my rights, state laws, and possible strategies.

I'm in the process of gaining sole control of the checking account to cut off his money supply. He's kicking and screaming, but so what? He says he wants to stay and work things out. What he has no clue about is what steps he has to take to regain any trust so that a future could be possible. Bottom line, he can't have the perfect family and the secret life. They are mutually exclusive.

Well, I have no idea what he can do to rebuild trust either.

But I'm sure that continuing to hook up isn't part of it.

How can I even begin to forgive and forget?

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. Forgetting is neither desirable nor possible, really. Forgiveness means we choose not to let the past affect our present. We let go of the hurt and anger we feel because it only really hurts us.

...stay until they leave home in 2-3 years...Does that make me a sick and shallow person?

The kids will pick up on this. They're not mindless automatons but real people with real feelings and senses. They'll be able to feel the hurt, anger, resentment floating around. You'll both be modeling to them that this is okay for a marriage. Do you want them making that same decision in 20 years?

I have been obsessed with the details but it doesn't matter how many really. I only grill him to make him feel miserable when I 'm not practicing 180.

Be careful with yourself here. Revenge lessens us. You'll have to look yourself in the mirror some day and say, "I deliberately hurt a person who hurt me. I could have decided differently but I decided to hurt them with my words and actions." Go look yourself in the mirror right now, right in the eye, and say those words. How does that make you feel?

I can even see myself hanging out for a couple of years. Do I need a post nup for that?

Yes, gently, yes. He could decide tomorrow to divorce you. You don't know, but you do already know that you can't trust him and predict what he will do. The post-nup will protect you from the uncertainty.

Thanks for listening.

You're certainly welcome. Sorry that you're hurting.

Bumping for newbies

I hate to sound out of the loop but what is SAHW ?

BTW, very good thread