SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bumping for reddawn212

thank u for bumping this. ok .. whew i am gonna share how this feels for me right now because i honestly can not have this conversation with anyone in my circle ...

this is NOT normal. this is gross. this pisses me off and makes me wanna throat punch him. this shows he has a dark pathetic secret weak ass side to him that repulses me. where i live .. many on craigslist are already sexual exploited and many are vulnerable and involved in the sex trade. the fact that he would HUNT for ego kibbles here makes me sick to my stomach. the fact that he would pick up this dark negativity and deceit and carry it into my home makes me sick.

Yes reddawn, all that you're feeling is the reaction all of us have had when uncovering that this cesspool has been intentionally invited into our lives without our knowledge or permission. It's terribly shocking and sad. My WH actually acted surprised that my reaction was not only just gutted emotionally, but sickened to my core. "But it was ONLY a prostitute" ...... This comment from a man who is almost Howard Hughes-like in his germophobia. All normal thinking has stopped for them. I could go on and on, but basically know that many others share and acknowledge ALL that you are going through. Good luck. Post when you need support. We're here.

Bump for comoidiota.

Thank you for this. I was getting so frustrated trying to find information on multiple APs but could not find any.

[This message edited by Trainrunnethover at 2:17 PM, June 27th (Saturday)]

Thank you for this. I was getting so frustrated trying to find information on multiple APs but could not find any. The only person I have talked to is my pastor. My H has isolated me from most of my friends. I came across this by accident. Without going though the whole thing I found my H was sleeping with several women from hookup sites. It has been almost two weeks and he still won't admit he has done anything wrong. I am a very forgiving person and it is very hard for me to stay mad. Yesterday was probably the first day I did not bring up the As and by evening he was trying to get me to have sex with him. I am not sure what to think. Is this normal?

how did you find him doing it? you have proof and he is still denying it?

i honestly believe when they flat out deny like that when you have PROOF it is gaslighting ... you are already hurt devastated and confused to begin with and the gaslighting makes the confusion worse. it is like they are telling you your reality is not real.

did you confront him with the proof?

So the story goes I saw a strange number of texts from 2 numbers. I assumed it was nothing but when his phone was sitting unoccupied I checked the texts. It was from two different women setting up dates. I was pissed and told him the next day. He of course said it was innocent blah,blah,blah. I felt something was wrong so I checked his email. There were some from one of the women and she mentioned a hookup site by name. My H is not to computer savvy and I went to the site and put in a couple passwords I knew he used and one got me in. The conversations between him and many women over the last 6 months was shocking. There was no reading between the lines here. They talked about the sex they had and the sex they were going to have. Because I know I can be easily manipulated I took screenshots of some of the messages. When he told me I was overreacting and it was just fantasy I told him about the document I had and gave him a copy. When I ask him about it he says he has not read it.

OMG what an ASS!!!!

He is Gaslighting you... he is LITERALLY telling you that what you are seeing is REAL is NOT REAL. Then he wants to have sex on top of it? what a complete ass.

He has been exposed to god knows what and has no regard for you at all, not your feelings or your physical safety.

Follow your gut instinct ... you have proof .. and stand your ground.

It is the best way to deal with someone who gaslights (i had to deal with this alot and its bloody awful mental abuse) ... dont be swayed by his bullshit minimizations.

I don't know what to do...So angry, so hurt!!! But also pitiful of my WS.

My WS who is in the military have been going to massages for the last 3 months. He said he started to do so when he was stationed near Canada as he started to really get depressed. We are in a long distance relationship. He has only admitted to sleeping with an escort in Japan (he is in the military) and 2 massages in port in Hawaii from April 2015-June 2015.

However, today, I went in investigative mode. I found out from January 2015 - February 2015 that he did go to more porn sites and chatrooms. It was true that he was near Canada at that time. Before that, I didn't find much activity in google and in his bank accounts, just found more issues with him drinking more and actually starting to smoke (e-ciggarettes). Then in March, he went to an Asian massage parlor - this he lied to me about because he said he only went to two massage parlors in Hawaii!!! I am so angry, I am Asian as well, and I can't think of the time when we make love, if he is just fantasizing.

He called me from his base in Japan yesterday and I could finally here the remorse in his voice. He admitted to looking at porn sites, smoking, drinking when he moved to the border of Canada. He admitted that it was all his fault and I had nothing to do with it. He also said that even if he hasn't gone to therapy yet, he will go when he gets back to the U.S., he admitted by saying "I have a problem, I think I am a sex addict, I am a sex addict..." I checked google history and this seems to be true. I didn't find any evidence of other anonymous encounters online. I also checked his bank accounts to verify but then again I am not sure if he is smart enough to have another online account. But then again, I am not denying the fact that maybe he has other accounts, just a part of me thinks he is too stupid/lazy to have another account.

I don't want to rationalize and say he was depressed, he started spiraling (tough job, long distance relationship, not seeing land for months) that's why he went to prostitutes. He said by being with a bunch of immature guys, by being in a culture where objectification of women are allowed, he lost himself. To top it off, he ate unhealthily, started smoking/drinking, then finally women.

However, a part of him also pities him. I want to let him change on his own but I do not know how to be supportive? Do I have to be supportive? I told him I am calling lawyers for legal consultation about divorce. I know people said don't make rash decisions. I only found all these out this past 2 weeks. What do I do? He comes home in a month. Do i send him packing? We have another bedroom, do I ask him to stay there? Do I help him recover as a sex addict??? Or do I just focus on myself when he comes home. Let him figure it all out on his own? But what about the divorce, what if it takes him time to recover? When do I know he wouldn't recover??? I am so confused and just at this point, really anxious and also numb.

Bump

I am still hurting. Its been a month and I am trying to move forward but I am haunted by what he did. He said he cant find words to explain himself, and I agree. I am putting one foot in front of the other and some days my feet feel like lead. My heart is broken and I am trying so hard to navigate me and my kids out of this mess. Still so raw, so hurt and still trying to get used to this new life without him in it. Awhile ago, I asked him "why" .. why would he so deliberately break something beautiful? I got no response.

And now I welcome the silence. This was my deal breaker.

Bumping for sallyjay and new members

The first page of this thread holds such useful information. I wish I could have seen it three years ago! Is there anyway it could stay at the top of a forum? When a partner discovers this particular kind of infidelity it is so hard to make sense of anything. The thoughtful advice here could be a lifesaver for anyone new to this.

With heartfelt solidarity

Dorothea

Also mourningglory's post on page 11 of this thread....sobering,essential reading. Whilst reeling in our own pain we can be most able to feel sympathy for the other victims in all this.

Dorothea

Bumping for ShockedandRuined

Bumping for longtobecarefree

Is there anyway of this becoming a separate thread on 'I can Relate' as it is such a helpul post and I have trouble finding it unless it has been bumped.

I would so like to know how you can judge when you have the whole truth.This is a massive issue for me. I have been able to process everything that I have been told but am still worried that there is more.My husband lies and lies until eventually he comes out with it and this has been going on for months.

Does it matter? His therapist says that it'll only be more of the same. It matters to me though but I am at the end of my searching now- there is no more that I can do and it is frightening for me.

Dear Longtobecarefree,

"I would so like to know how you can judge when you have the whole truth.This is a massive issue for me. I have been able to process everything that I have been told but am still worried that there is more.My husband lies and lies until eventually he comes out with it and this has been going on for months.

Does it matter? His therapist says that it'll only be more of the same. It matters to me though but I am at the end of my searching now- there is no more that I can do and it is frightening for me."

You can't - my partner was the same - TT and only admitted what I could actually prove, which with Prostitutes - time line, money trail, texts and phone calls and still - Deny, deny , deny, I only had out call report and texts so could not confirm 100% the other 8 slurries - They play on this , in their minds one is the same as 100 - The bottom line is you will never know and spend the rest of your days obsessively checking their whereabouts, and records, which is a really shitty way to live...

I dumped mine and he is carrying on about depression blah , blah and I am the baddy for not supporting him through this - Well, I was depressed too, because he was f...king prostitutes for a year of our five years and knew something was wrong so responded to such, but hey - It is all about them when they get caught...

You simply need to decide if you can live not knowing the whole truth and if he is worth it, which by virtue of us all being here - They are NOT!

Hugs from me...