SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

hathnofury - if you're still reading this thread, I found this back on page 6 (I'm reading from the very beginning as this is all BRAND new information for me):

I remember being about three months out and desperately wanting an example of a couple that had been through this and "made it" so I knew I wasn't crazy for even trying. I assure you there are some here. But it comes at a heavy price that you will not be able to comprehend right now. I am not saying it couldn't be worth it, I am saying you will have to wait some time before you will be able to understand what this means and whether it is worth it.

What does this mean? It sounds like impending doom. Are you able to elaborate?

P.S. I don't know how to pull out text from others into my reply. Maybe it doesn't work on iPads?

Thank you

This is so helpful. When reading some of these posts about infidelity where spouses had an affaire I felt like my problems weren't that bad. Now I know I was just kidding myself. Multiple partners is even more dangerous. I think he can justify this behavior by saying there is no emotional attachment to these women.

Regretfully, I am now a member of this club that no one wants to join... It still feels surreal that all this is happening to me and that my H is capable of doing this. Especially because, he often mentions how some of his friends are cheating behind their wives back and what if the wife finds out, etc.

I went to see my doctor for an annual physical three weeks ago. She said she wanted to do a STD testing (chlamydia and gonorrhea) due to an inflamed cervix (cervicitis). At that time, I didn't think much about it, thinking there must be other reasons for the cervicitis. I came home and Google searched the subject and found that most accute cervicitis are caused by STDs That night, while we were in bed, I asked my H out of the blue "Have you been seeing a hooker?" He paused for 2 seconds and said "No". I knew right then he was lying. I got angry at him and said do you think I'm stupid?! If the answer is "no", why the pause? He then came clean about having an unprotected BJ 11 years ago and if I remember he had burning and redness on his penis some years back (he blamed me at the time it's because of my overly enthusiatic BJ). He was going to seek treatment but the symptoms went away within a week. Great! So we both may have herpes We immediately scheduled for full STD panel. Then two days before my appointment, I asked him to be honest with me because I don't want to sound like a dummy in front of the doctor that the cervicitis I have now is due to something my H did 11 years ago (also because I had my doubts with his story). He then admitted he has had protected sex 6 or 7 times with different women for the past 2-3 years, due to mounting stress at work and not getting enough sex at home, the most recent being 6 weeks ago. Funny thing is he almost resented me calling the women prostitutes, saying they're just broke housewives who needed money to support their family, as if he's doing something noble to help these women . It took him three weeks to admit to himself that they're prostitutes and not "broke housewives". He even said that he was happy at the time because he doesn't have to bug me for sex which I admit feels like a chore sometimes. He knows now he's wrong because he saw how devistated I was and felt very guilty over the possibility of giving me an STD. He promised that he will never do this again. He said nothing happend with CL postings and replies. He said those were all fakes (fake ads or fake free nsa sex, dunno, don't care)

FF to last week, when STD results came back and we were both negative. He was jubilant on the phone "We can have sex tonight!" Is he clueless or ignorant? He thinks because we're both negative, I can put all the betrayal, deceit, trauma, shame behind me?! I'm staying put for my kids' sake at the moment. We're even sleeping in the same bedroom (H is sleeping on the couch) because I don't want the kids to think there's anything wrong between us. I did not tell anyone else regarding H's cheating because of possibility of R. He says he's sorry to me everyday and hugs and kisses me everyday even if I push him away. But, I lost complete trust in him...

[This message edited by Blindsid3d at 10:15 AM, August 29th (Saturday)]

Blindsid3 - I'm sorry you're joining this club. Ugh. I could vomit right now.

Thankfully, your results came back negative. I am still trying to summon up the energy and courage to get it done. WH's came back negative last week. So, I guess there is that.

I am infuriated that the "sex tonight" words came out of his mouth. How dare he?! I worry that means he isn't remorseful. What is your sense of his remorse?

Do you have any issues with mind movies or anything along those lines? Just the thought of one of those whores touching him makes me physically ill. I cannot imagine him touching/kissing me again, let alone having sex again

I am also staying for the kids right now. He has his first appointment booked with a CSAT as do I. You know what I hate? Pretending. Pretending to be this happy family all the time except at home.

You are better than me, letting him sleep in the same bed. Not since DDay 3 has he slept in my bed. I do worry about what the kids will think or who they will mention it to and wonder how much longer we can come up with a plausible excuse as to why Daddy is sleeping somewhere else. But I cannot have him in bed. Next to me. I barely sleep as it is and that would only make it worse.

My thoughts are with you tonight BS3.

GreatPretender, I read your profile. Your story sounds so much like mine. My H and I were college sweethearts, we were together 7 years before we married. He is (was?) my best friend... So when all his indiscretions were unveiled, I was so devastated. Surely infidelity happens to other people, not to us. Boy, was I wrong...

My H seems remorseful. I guess only time will tell. It's an understatement to say that my mood is like a rollercoaster. I will be civil to him by adhering to the 180, next minute I'll be hysterical, screaming and crying. He told me to punch or slap him if it'll make me feel better. I slapped him twice, but sadly it did not make me feel any better.

Yes, I do get the mind movies, especially when tries to hold me or get close to me. I agree with you about pretending to be happy in front of the others. I see his parents and his side of the family fairly regularly for family functions, and it's really difficult to pretend nothing is wrong between us. It angers me because my H laughs, eats, sleeps, functions normally, while I can't sleep, eat, feel physically and mentally tired of everything that's happening. I really feel like telling everyone these horrible things he was doing behind my back all these years. But I don't, for the sake of the kids... and I suffer alone

We sleeps in the same bedroom but we're not sleeping in the same bed. He will be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future. Our kids are older so they'll catch up pretty quick if they found out we're not sleeping in the same bedroom.

After mentioning to my H, I'm seriously considering divorce for the sake of my health and sanity, H said he's really scared because he can tell I really mean what I said. He told me he will never do anything to hurt me again. We shall see...

I'm sending positive thoughts your way...

Blindsid3 - I felt the same way about my WH after DDay 1. He didn't seem all that affected by what was happening. He went to IC & MC, but lied to everyone. It wasn't until he told me "everything", that I could sense real remorse. He's not eating, he's not sleeping, he cries often. I can hear the emotion in his voice whenever he speaks to me. Prior to this, there was very little. A somberness, if you will. Now I hear desperation & devastation. I asked him why didn't I see this reaction the first go-around when he was "so incredibly sorry", and he said it was because he didn't believe the marriage was over, but now he does. I don't know what this all means for our future, but like you said, time will tell.

Have you taken your rings off? Yes and no for me. I put them back on when I think I'll be around people who will notice & question. It's like I'm now leading this double life! All to protect the integrity of my family. And HIM! How fair is that?

What's his plan for recovery? Is he going to be evaluated for SA?

You're not suffering alone. I won't allow it. I haven't told anyone either. So we can get through this alone together. (((Hugs)))

[This message edited by GreatPretender at 10:28 PM, August 30th (Sunday)]

Our Hs must be cut from the same cloth. After I blew up on him hearing him laugh hysterically at some show on TV two weeks ago (a day after DD#2), he became a bit "somber", too. He's been eating less, comes home immediately after work, he even told me he's not been sleeping well.

Yes, I took my ring off. Not at first (DD#1), but at DD#2, I immediately took it off and I haven't put it back on since. No one questioned me yet and I don't know what I'll say if questioned.

I don't know exactly what I'll do, some days I want R, some days D. I've never been this conflicted in my life.

Hugs to you GreatPretender for your encouragement.

[This message edited by Blindsid3d at 7:56 AM, August 31st (Monday)]

Well, last night I found out WH lied about the number of visits to the whorehouse, just as I suspected. I was able to back this up with the help of location history. The actual number is much greater than 6 or 7 times over 3 or 4 years, like he "swears". This makes me seriously doubt his story that "nothing happened" with CL ads and replies.

I even asked him to be honest on DD#2 that I want everything out at once, I can't deal with TT or more DD after digging. Now I feel numb. I didn't even cry or get angry last night or today. I feel like my heart gave up...

[This message edited by Blindsid3d at 11:20 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]

Blind- I am sorry. My spouse was/is into anon CL hookups, hookup sites, dating sites, etc.

We have has multiple d-days, and today I poked around and found 2 more dating sites Mr. Wonderful has been on.

In my opinion, my spouse didn't have at least 8 hookup slash dating profiles to talk, or chat, or exchange pics. He was seeking out sex partners and didn't care if they were men, women, big, small, old, etc. In the dating sites he used that I have examined closely, he "liked" and messaged some very old and homely women, as well as younger and more attractive women, with my apologies to those women for judging them on their age and looks.

I doubt I will ever know all of the people he met, women and men he chatted with, emailed, with, texted with, etc.

He is a liar, like cheaters are. They lie. They lie when you cry. They lie when you beg. They lie when you are on your knees crawling after them in pain. They lie whenever it suits them. The cover their a@@ first and foremost.

I am sorry you got more bad news.

[This message edited by Theworstwitch at 8:25 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]

Blindsid3d, my heart aches for you. It literally aches. How dare they not tell the truth? Who do they think they are getting to decide what information we need to know? Ugh. It makes me furious!

I was numb when I found out more of the truth as well. No tears. Really no emotion. Oh, disgust. I was thoroughly disgusted and couldn't even look at him.

What did he say? What was he reasoning for not telling you when you explicitly asked him for the truth?

I'm so sorry.

He is a liar, like cheaters are. The lie. The lie when you cry. They lie when you beg. They lie when you are on your knees crawling after them in pain. They lie whenever it suits them. The cover their a@@ first and foremost.

^^ This. Yes.

My XH was fucking whores behind my back for at least 5 years. I did try a brief R, but realized I would never be able to look at him the same way. The thing that eventually pushed me over the Divorce edge wasn't the actual cheating, or the constant lying that had clearly been happening for a long time.... it was the blatant lies he kept spewing even AFTER he'd gotten busted.

There's no healthy living with scum like that, even if that scum was the person you had loved and trusted the most in the world. That person is gone.

Theworstwitch-My WH told me last night that when he's at the "place", sometimes he'll leave without doing anything if the woman is too fat/ old/ ugly, so the number of the actual deed is actually less than what I think. I don't know whether I should laugh or what at his stupidity. Is this supposed to make me feel better? (Sorry, no offense meant to those who may be offended)

GreatPretender-I'm now past the disgust/angry/sad stage due to multiple DDs in just over three weeks. I'm just numb. He didn't want to tell me everything because I think he thought I'll never find out. He claims he didn't want to "hurt" me. Well, too late for that AH! He still claims nothing happened with CL ads. I have no way to prove them because WH deleted all emails from 2007 to 2012 or so. He did admit to sending pics but claimed the pics were not his but one's he found online

GiveTimeTime-I'm sorry to hear about how your XH treated you. None of us deserve this, yet here we are. At least you're now free. I feel no emotion right now. My WH is hoping for R but I don't know if I can do this. I told him last night that had I known this is the kind of person I'll be marrying, I'd rather stay single forever. Guess what his answer was?! "95% of men he knows cheat!" Sadly, this is true for those around him. Almost everyone around him cheats on the wife by going to massage parlors and the like Even then, I did not suspect my H because he talks about it often and what if the wife finds out. I was completely duped

Hugs to all!

[This message edited by Blindsid3d at 9:24 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]

WH was confirmed as an SA. Not sure how I feel about this. Other than seeing a CSAT myself, any other thoughts, advice or suggestions?

Blindsid3d, I have realized from the many caring comments on the thread I started on my situation that I probably only know the tip of the iceberg with my WS's past activities with strippers/prostitutes. I am bracing myself for all the awful discoveries ahead. So far he's copped to 3 blowjobs with condoms. Everyone is laughing about him claiming he used condoms any of those times... i am revolted and heartbroken at the thought.

(((GreatPretender))) I can't offer you any advice about your WH's SA diagnosis but hope you stay positive through out this ordeal. Remember to rest, eat, and hydrate. My WH is probably a SA too. He's reluctant to seek counseling. How is SA treated anyway, is there meds for that or just talk therapy? Should've paid more attention in Abnormal Psychology class taken back when I was in college.

dabda, hugs to you. I was very distrought in the beginning too, and I still am, but it does get better. I no longer cry on a dime or feel awful and tired all day. My doctor prescribed Xanax and it works wonders. I take the smallest dose only when needed. I feel like I can function and can sleep without waking up multiple times at night. Your intuition about more discoveries are probably correct. Please go get tested for STDs and ask for meds if you think you'll need it, just in case. Brace your self for what's coming ahead. Post here if you need someone to talk to. (((dabda)))

Blindsid3d, he took several tests which rank him on a scale of sex addiction. Normal people are around a 6, most SA's are 11-13. He's been given books to read & he has a workbook. He is to see his CSAT as often as needed. I'm not sure what that means. He's just starting, so we'll see what else is involved. No meds so far.

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Thanks so much for posting this; very helpful info.

Blindsid3d, how are you?

I don't even know how I feel anymore. I'm so all over the place still. And time is going so slowly. Why? Why does it have to move so slow?

I have been thinking a lot about staying for the kids no matter what. Can I live with someone for the rest of my life who isn't anything more than a parenting partner and roommate? I don't feel as though I love him anymore. And the thought of him touching me in any capacity makes my skin crawl. How does one recover from that? How do I know if I still love him? Or can love him again? We've been disconnected for so long and now the SA and cheating?

He says he loves me and always has. He's just now since DDay realized how much. Huh? How does that even work? Sometimes I feel so stupid for not being a better judge of character. Other than my kids, I feel regret for the last 15 years. What a waste of my time. My best time. My most carefree time.

I worry that his addiction will be inherited by my kids. This is part of the reason I stay. Early childhood trauma, they say. Wouldn't this classify as that? I know I have options, but I don't really feel like I have options...you know?