SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Im new , so, hello :). Try to keep it brief here....I found out last June. We've been trying to work it out. Marriage counceling one to two times a week, both have solo therapy. I found out today that Fri he searched her name in images section of Google today and erased web history but not search history so I saw. He said he wanted to see if he really felt nothing, that he realized he hadn't thought about it at all for a while and wanted TO SEE HOW HE FELT WHEN HE LOOKED AT HER. It's been a rough few days for us I've been triggered and then this. That's a deal breaker right? Side note- he's been doing everything by the book trying to fix us- there's just been a few times I've caught odd messages from a friend that she was cc'd on, no actual verbal contact. Im having a hell of a time not despising him daily for what he did even if things were bad and i was an awful wife ( i went thru a horrid trauma in 2011 almost died) .I just told him I'm done because he tried to cover it. Am I justified?

Yep, I'd be sticking a fork in that one.

Absolutely justified! That's breaking NC. Doubt he has hit rock bottom yet.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:30 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

So you hit a rough spot and he goes and googles OW? Nice.

And yes...that counts as breaking NC. You have every right to be pissed off.

It is a deal breaker if you say it is a deal breaker. Only you know. You have every reason to be upset. That was the same as breaking NC in my eyes.

Thank you for taking time out of your day to reply. By the way what does NC stand for? ( I'm REALLY new)

NC=No Contact

ETA You can find the abbreviations in the Library (look to the left on the main page and click on Library).

Also, there is a link on the top of this forum (General) for more abbreviations.

And, you can always ask if you're not sure .

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:09 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

It's one of the symptoms of the withdrawal period after having an affair. A WS will attempt contact, because the WS is going through a break-up just like when boyfriends /girlfriends who are not cheaters break-up. It falls under false reconciliation, which is not unusual either. Anytime, a NC is breached, you're back to zero and a restart, because he has not gotten over her yet. Everybody is different on how long the withdrawal period lasts - 3 weeks, a year, and over a year. One BH on here didn't get his WW back from affair fog until after 9 years. I don't know how he made it that long.

Some BS at this time separate or do a 180 to get the WS back into reality. It's a crap shoot on whether it works or not. It could lead to actual breach of NC and right back to the OW. I would bring it up in the MC session. Of course, everything is up to you with how much crap you're willing to put up with.

Why would anyone want their WS back after NINE years? That's crazy.

The google would be a deal-breaker for me. Especially after a year...

plus this

there's just been a few times I've caught odd messages from a friend that she was cc'd on, no actual verbal contact.

That screams at me...can you elaborate on this?

You have to decide what you want and need. After a year if my H had feelings for / wanted to look at pictures of the OW and then hid it...I would for my own sanity, walk.

What does it mean to YOU?

He said he wanted to see if he really felt nothing, that he realized he hadn't thought about it at all for a while and wanted TO SEE HOW HE FELT WHEN HE LOOKED AT HER.

What a load of bullshit. Hope you did not buy into that.

If he felt nothing he would have no interest in wasting time looking AP up and would respect you enough not to.

And the CC msg thing is disturbing.

NC means no contact. I would say he broke it. Im not sure what you mean about the cc to a friend.

Only you can decide if this is a strike. You and your WS determine what the boundaries of your relationship are.

But to me it's broken NC. I am thinking he is trying to line up a plan B.

Medicgal,

I'm glad you asked that question because I have been wondering myself. I guess I'm more curious about why the WS looks them up. Is is a "feeling" they get when they see pictures? Is it really because they miss them? Ugh! My WH and I are separated at the moment and in March he looked up 3 of his AP's (affair partners) on Facebook but immediately sent me a text telling me what he did and that he felt bad about it. I responded with "thank you for telling me." It was late and I was half asleep. I blew up a few days later when I really digested what it meant (to me anyway.) His explanation is that he swore off porn so he decided to look at pics of them because they had big tits. I can't get him to understand that it's more than that! I would rather you look at porn than pics of people you "fell in love" with!! I just don't think he gets it.

I understand that there will be regressions like googling people etc. but whether they hide it or immediately confess it are deciding factors of deal-breaking or not for me. I will say that I questioned why my WH confessed (since he has done nothing but trickle truth, cover up and rug sweep.) I asked if it dawned on him that I would see it in his search history and is that why he confessed? He said "no, I was using an incognito window." WTF?!?!? Back to square one....

I'm starting to think that I make more excuses for him than he does!

It is a common occurence, but it is also a strike. The consequences for this really depend on what you think the consequences should be. You are allowed to divorce over crunchy vs. smoothy peanut butter, so googling pictures of someone else you fucked while married is also a valid reason.

Ummmm.....how does going through a horrid trauma and almost dying....make you an 'awful' wife????

Only you can decide if searching OW out on Google is a deal-breaker or not.

The *looking* itself isn't right, but the active erasing is a big problem, IMO.

t/j hurtinky ~

Why would anyone want their WS back after NINE years? That's crazy.

My WS left the marriage for 7 years and we have been in R for almost 9 years now. It may be "crazy" to you, but it has happened to people here.

end t/j

medicgal ~ It sounds like there is even more going on than just the one Facebook look-up (i.e. the "odd messages from a friend that she was cc'd on."). As others have said, only you can define what a deal-breaker is in your relationship. That said, of course you are "justified" to have this as a deal-breaker.

Prior to this had you set up clear boundaries about what was considered a deal-breaker or what you expected out of R? When is your next counseling session together? Also, how is he reacting to your pain and grief involving this recent FB search?

I think saying you are done is ok in this situation. It is a bit of 180, it will make him stop and think hard about his actions and if they were worth it.

The biggest problem I have here with your post is your comment about you catching him CCing her on emails. I would be more upset that that was occuring then the looking at pictures. His friend might be acting as a conduit for your WH and OW to communicate...that I would really explore until I was happy that was not happening.

I have said to my RWH on 3 or 4 occastions that I was finished with trying to make this work. He paniced and worked 10 times harder each time. But I was always careful to tell him why I was done and tired. It was a way for us to get over big bumps in the road of recovery because he knows and sees how hard I am working at this.

T

This is something that needs to be addressed during MC and particularly during his IC.

He needs to know why he did it and it isn't just b/c he wanted to know if he breathed a little harder when her pic came up (which is likely an excuse anyway).

He needs to hear it from your MC that this shit doesn't fly anymore. This is a blow to your M, whether you learned of it or not ... your MC needs to convince him of that.

Hang in there ...

I decided to call it quits, that google image finding on the 4th is just not ok after everything that has happened. Its a bummer, he really did try hard, he made a huge goof and claims it was more out of boredom than anything but it just isnt sitting right. I have been completely devoid of emotion since that day, like I cant even get mad anymore or even cry. So, hes moving out today. Trying to do this maturely and amicably but man is it hard to let so much go. Im staying in the house with my two kids as not to disrupt them since school jsut started. It will be financially tough but Im gonna give it my best. Anyway, thought I would post the "The End" to my post, as people do wonder what others do/decide. Good luck to all- stay strong and true to yourself and your morals.