SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As she was leaving I handed her my wedding ring. She stared at it and said, "You're giving me your wedding ring? Why?"

Abbondad, VERY gently - you do see you are participating in the crazy dance. Why would you do this? Throw the fucking thing out.

She is unhinged. You know this. Please just STFU, have the VAR on you at all times and find some way to go fly far, far away either physically or in your head when her mouth starts moving.

I know WHY you did it. I did it too. I wanted some proof of life. I wanted a little of my pound of flesh. I wanted to watch that fucker burn. I wanted to hurt him as much as I could. I feigned indifference whilst madly signalling the complete opposite.

You must contain yourself. You vengeance will be your freedom and eventual genuine indifference. Remember the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

Sending you strength brother. You have handled all of this a million times better than I ever could. Reading stories like yours I am astonished at what the human spirit can overcome, what it can achieve.

I am not at all happy that it makes me grateful for the sad clown.

I'm worried about you. I'm worried that you are struggling far more than you're letting on.

I'm also worried because whilst I don't know you I have a very strong feeling that everything you are being forced to do, every confrontation you have, every ugly thought you have and all of the controlled and uncontrolled rage you have goes completely against who you are inside. This is not your natural state, you have had to go down this course because of the monster that she is. Do it for as long and as hard as you have to but do not let it take your soul. When this battle is over you get to rediscover you.

You are a good, kind, gentle and decent man. You deserved better, so much better.

This, right now, is the cleanup after a nuclear waste accident - don't let that toxic waste of a human being change you. If she does, she wins.

She won't win. You won't let that happen.

I'm excited for your new home. This is hard, so hard, to see your old life literally be packed up--but then you will get to start building a new life, and that's amazing.

Hi Abdondad,

I've not posted much to you but I'm following your saga.

You can make the move fun for your kids, and maybe that can help you. Kids will naturally get excited about getting new stuff, arranging their rooms, etc., if you go into it with the attitude that you can make it fun for them.

Kids are not as inclined to think backwards as adults. If they do, you can redirect them. Think ahead of time ways to make it fun. They can help decorate their new rooms. Before everything is settled, have a picnic on the floor and eat take out chicken with your fingers, whatever you can think of that might appeal to them. Explore the neighborhood on foot with them (not sure of your weather - couldn't do there here right now!). And make sure the first beds you put together are their rooms so they immediately have a space to call their own when they're tired after the move.

I'm so sorry your life has come to this. Someday it will be so much better, of this I am sure.

Hi, Everyone,

Just looking for some support, as I know there is nothing I can do: DS called me from his mother and OM's apartment begging to come home and declaring that he is never going back there. He said STBX is lying down "recuperating from his behavior" and is ignoring DS's pleas that he doesn't want to live there, that he doesn't like OM.

DS tells me that STBX told him that when OM gets home he will yell at DS. (I don't know if this is true or if it has happened before.)

I am sick with helpless rage. I want to drive over there and put OM in the hospital. I instead told DS I loved him, his mother loves him, and that only his mother is in charge of him--nobody else. I don't know if this was the "right" thing to say. I am just feeling sick over this.

DS expressed that he wants to tell his psychologist about this; I will make an appointment.

Thanks for any words to help me get through this and likely similar scenes to come.

Abb,

You've done the right thing. You can only ensure that he is safe. Gru shouts at my boys. He is entitled to do this. He is their 'step dad'

It's Fucking shit.

You should definitely address your concerns and get them on record with the lawyers. Document this. It's doubly worse that your ex is unable to provide the reassuring comfort that might be necessary.

You may need to seek a hearing to discuss why your children are so distraught at being there.

Is it unfamiliarity, your ex, break from routine, knowing they can play you or some other reason?

Is it unfamiliarity, your ex, break from routine, knowing they can play you or some other reason?

Thank you, AAS. It is all of the above--but largely it is my STBX. The fact is that she cannot nor has ever been able to handle our children when they misbehave, even mildly. She has no boundaries, no ability to discipline, no understanding of child psychology--but mostly she is simply selfish. It will likely blow over until the next episode, but this will be duly documented.

ABD

My SO was in the exact same position with his DD14 and her step dad. It escalated over the course of the year last year. It culminated in a major drop in grades, an episode that involved sneaking out with a 19yr old boy and then a blow up with step dad when he called her an F*(&^S^G B!TCH and a sobbing phone call to my SO right before Christmas.

We had her in counseling for the previous year. We had recently spoken to an attorney who was going to act as her Guardian Ad Litem. In our state at 14 the child has significant say in where they live. They can ask and tell the judge what they want. The judge is not mandated to allow it but with supporting testimony from a counselor and the GAL it most li have gone in our favor. Fortunately the XWW of my SO agreed to the custody change w/o court. That was a near miracle. Send me a PM if you want more info. IIRC correctly your DS is 13?

AD - I had this one too - WXW's OM shouted at my kids and they told me. I disagree with allatsea - I don't think he has any right to do this. So I spoke to WXW. Told her that I wanted it stopped and that it was her responsibility to deal with it. If there is a next time, I made it clear I would not be talking to her about it. She understood.

OM is history now and I am told that this was a part of that, but by no means all of it.

The reality though is that there is probably not a hell of a lot you can do - particularly as your STBXW is so unstable. You did the right thing and you are right to provide your son with all the support you can. Does your lawyer have a view on this?

I personally think OM is going to get sick of being a step dad soon.. Shields up!!

(abbondad)

How are you hanging in there AD?

Hi Abbonddad,

Thanks for any words to help me get through this and likely similar scenes to come.

A couple of thoughts for you, neither very comforting I am afraid. First is that the children have two parents, and short of endangering their health, it is my experience that the authorities having jurisdiction will tolerate a great deal of what I would consider bizarre behavior by the x-spouse. It will not matter if your XWS is not a good mother so long as she is not an abusive or neglectful parent. For better, and sometimes for worse, children are the product of both their parents.

Second, having OM yell at or otherwise discipline his stepchildren (your children) will ultimately backfire on your XWW and her OM/new husband. A step parent can, to some extent, after establishing relationships and respect, help to enforce rules and boundaries, but in a blended family the bio-parent must take the lead in discipline. There are all sorts of loyalty conflicts and other issues wrapped up in the relationship between children and a stepparent that make this difficult. A stepparent can help with household chores or homework, but the bio-parent must establish and enforce doing the chores and homework. A stepparent can help get things ready for kids to go to bed, but the bio-parent must establish and enforce the bedtime.

…but largely it is my STBX. The fact is that she cannot nor has ever been able to handle our children when they misbehave, even mildly. She has no boundaries, no ability to discipline, no understanding of child psychology—

This is one of the downsides to D. You are increasing less a part of the family relationship between your children and their Mother. As painful as the calls are from your children from your stbx’s house, they need to learn how to deal with their M and STB stepfather on their own. In the past if your STBXWW abdicated at parenting, you were there to step up and keep things going. This dynamic is changing, and as I indicated, having OM (stepdad) try to take your place as the rule enforcer will not work.

The best you can do for now is to provide the most supportive and consistent environment that you can for your children when they are with you. Try to extract yourself from their relationship with their Mother. One way to do this is to set times for calls from them when on visitation. After all, you will not always be available. Better they call you in the evening to tell you how bad time with WW or OM was during the day than calling you at the moment.

Finally, it is my experience that after the D is final and things begin to settle down your XWW and her OM will be less interested in consistent visitation. They will be interested in the “important” times like holidays to demonstrate to others that they are a family, but I suspect frequency of visitation may begin to wane over time.

Thank You, Everyone,

The D/S Forum's been so busy, my thread's been pushed down and I didn't realize any new responses had been posted!

Quick update:

I am hanging in there. Our home is being shown, but nobody has made an offer yet. I'm fighting financial panic, as I signed a lease on a rental and with no financial assistance from STBX, I could be straddling a mortgage and a rental.

HOWEVER: Her time to find a job has expired and I instructed my attorney to immediately go for the jugular and reset depositions as well as demand Discovery for all financials, proving she has looked for a job, expenses she has paid out (I am sure she is living rent-free with her boyfriend), and a million other things.

This is with the hope that she will just sign the MSA we agreed to at our last mediation--after which she mysteriously, coincidentally, was fired.

(The Discovery also demands proof she fired from her last two jobs and the circumstances under which she was terminated.)

Sure enough, she just texted me freaking out: "Why oh why are you doing this? I can't find a job, I am in debt, I only spend for the children, the children, the children..." ad nauseum.

She has the power to end this: sign on the dotted line and pay me and our children the money she owes. I want CS based on her earning potential as evidenced in the last five years of income (six figures).

Included in the Discovery is an inquiry into living arrangements and references to guns--if she owns a permit and/or handles guns.

I am trying my best to accept that my kids live with POS half the time and am making them safe and secure when they are with me.

Other:

STBX didn't show up at the kids' bus stop and if my neighbor hadn't taken them in they would have been stranded.

STBX took the kids today to their psychiatrist and became angry when he refused to prescribe any more meds for them. This is the THIRD shrink she's taken them to and demanded more anti-psychotics so they will be "less anxious." They are anxious with her, not with me.

I sincerely hope her attorney will talk sense into her and she will sign the MSA. We shall see.

i just saw your most recent post and I am rendered absolutely speechless with your STBXWW.

Just wanted to know you've been heard...and to say one thing...

I truly think she is losing it completely. Do you fear for the kids' safety with her? She failed to pick up the children at the bus stop? My god, isn't there something that can be done about this (legally)? They could have been abducted for godsake!

I'm so sorry, Abb...I wish I had words of comfort for you. You are strong and you will get through this, but just when I thought I'd heard it all with regard to what she is capable of, I am yet again proven wrong...

Adad

You are doing great. Such a testament to the inner strength we can find in adverse situations.

I did want to pipe in though with respect to your CSTBXW not picking the kids up from the bus. Unless this is a common occurrence I would give a pass to it. Note it as having happened to support your divorce process.

Hate to be she devil's advocate in any way but my mum would on occasion forget to pick me up from after school sports. It was never a case of her being selfish or a bitch. She simply forgot what day it was and, as a single working mother, had a billion and one things on her mind. She was always extremely apologetic (never forgot the same practice twice) but early in the routine was capable of forgetting.

This single mom has also forgotten the day and forgot a kid at an after school function. Not proud of it, and they will joke about it every so often...but it still bothers me that I forgot.

Note it, and unless it becomes a habit...I wouldn't worry too much about it. I would make arrangements with your neighbor to be your kids safe place to go if you or your wife can't meet the bus. It helped my kids having a back up plan. Some days with 4 kids all in different activities at 3 different schools (elementary,middle and high school) there was no way I could get to each one in time. Someone had to wait for me. making arrangements and communicating them to the kid as a back up plan really eased their anxiety. Hope this helps.

I really hope she doesn't make this a habit.

K

I really hope she doesn't make this a habit.

That's the problem. Yes, I would have let it slide, but it's a slippery-slope. She MUST be held accountable for her actions and know that she will be. And this is not the first time. It's just the first time since we've been co-parenting. Over the course of our marriage she has many times neglected to pick them up. And it is NEVER because she has forgotten or was prevented by forces beyond her control. She simply puts her priorities first.

In other news: We got an offer on our house! But STBX is refusing to discuss it with me. She will likely use it as legal leverage against me.

My rental starts March 1. I will be carrying both homes. She is still unemployed and refusing to pay CS until she gets a job, and will not pay CS based on her preceding five years of income (six figures). And is insisting that she be given all the time she wants to find a job.

refusing to pay CS until she gets a job, and will not pay CS based on her preceding five years of income (six figures). And is insisting that she be given all the time she wants to find a job.

Um... in what world does she live in that she feels this is all up to her? what does she think the judge is going to do, just change the normal CS calculation methods because your WS says so? She's obnoxious and delusional and shooting herself in foot.

I agree though, that you should talk with your kids and neighbor both to have a functioning plan of action for them so they feel secure and safe if this happens in the future. And I don't know if you can, but I might email or text (whatever your method of communication is) and address it. Simply noting that it occurred, that the children were unsure of what to do, and that in the future should she be unable to gather them off the bus, you would like to be notified and/or expect other arrangements be made for the safety of your children.

The offer on the house is great!

What does your L say about her refusal to make her payments?

Simply noting that it occurred, that the children were unsure of what to do, and that in the future should she be unable to gather them off the bus, you would like to be notified and/or expect other arrangements be made for the safety of your childre

I did just that; I was very reasonable and received a nasty email in return accusing, irrelevantly, me of taking the kids to school late. And: she had taken them late. I never have. I'm not dealing with a rational person.

The offer on the house is great!

What does your L say about her refusal to make her payments?

This was my attorney's response:

From my attorney:

"you might try asking STBX at what amount she thinks child support should be based on considering she has earned more than you for quite a long time. because the argument that she is not working today and therefore should not pay support is not going to work......if she thinks 0 is reasonable I'll use it against her in trial"