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I am 10 days from d day and I have found out that it was so easy for him to cheat because of his phone. He could text her and facebook message her with such ease and then delete the proof. That is how it started, with flirty messages and then they decided to meet and it became physical. He said it probably wouldn't have happened if he didn't have the smart phone. I am still just in shock that this happened to me but I was wondering how many other BS have had similar situations?

aero1122, welcome to this board.

Yep, same with my H. It all started on stupid FB. He was just "catching up" with an old High school friend... this turned into regular chat, texting, phone calls and they eventually met in person.

He wishes now that he had never signed up with FB... too late now.

But, yea technology makes it easy.

I often tell the newly betrayed that just because they now have access to their cheating spouse's email account or cell phone bill details and all are coming up clean, that does NOT mean they aren't still in touch with their affair partners.

It simply means they've found OTHER ways to stay in touch with their affair partners. There are SO many apps now available for Smart phones or iPhones that allow you to text back and forth WITHOUT it appearing on your cell bill details, as well as chatting and video apps you can use that don't leave a trace on the detailed billing. And the list goes on.

I think the days of monitoring your cheating spouse's detailed cell phone bills and/or email accounts are pretty much gone at this point.

Thats really a cop-out and blame shifting about the technology issue.

He could have stopped it at any time. So - now that he knows the technology at least played a part in it - whats he doing about it? Anything?

We all have temptations around us every single day - its up to us to make the choice.

He said it probably wouldn't have happened if he didn't have the smart phone.

Don't let yourself be convinced of this.

Technology definitely makes it easier to lie and cheat, though the same technology also makes it easier to be caught.

Before cars were around you couldn't drive 600 miles in an afternoon to go meet someone for an afternoon fuck. We could say that cars made it easier to cheat and we'd be right - but cars didn't help that thought process along. It just helped facilitate what was already there.

People who want to lie and cheat will always find ways to do so. Transparency is one part of that - behavior and attitude and consistency in everything is just as important. Someone who is happy to give you access to their email and phone but gets pensive and defensive and angry when you want to show up at the office one day for lunch unannounced and poke through desk drawers isn't transparent.

Saying this wouldn't have happened if he didn't have the smart phone is a way to blameshift. The phone didn't make him cheat. It's just a tool. Not everybody uses a hammer to build houses, but not everybody uses a hammer to break kneecaps either.

I am so sorry for you. I just found out a little over 30 days ago that my WS was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend he "friended" on Facebook. He never used FB until he got his new smartphone a few weeks before he "friended" her. It never went beyond sexting on FB Chat because I caught it quick. The moron didn't think about the fact that his info comes into my feed and I noticed he "friended" her. I followed my gut and found out.

I agree that technology makes it to simple for people to cheat. Unfortunately, I also agree that there are to many ways to hide it that will not show up on the cellphone bill, etc.

I wish I could be of more help, but I am so sorry this is happening to you too.

I totally agree with NeverAgain.

My WW found other ways. When confronted in August, she never called or texted him again on her personal phone. But, I found out in early November, that her personal phone had been recording her location since late June. She had no idea (neither did I until I happened upon it on my own phone, and then checked hers).

The thing about technology in my case: it made it easy for her to cheat, but it also made it easy for her to get caught.

In hindsight, our new phones that we purchased in June have been a blessing in disguise for me. I would have never known about her going to his house/rental/house boat/ or the Inn without it. It's provided me with the "evidence" I needed to take a stand and not feel crazy. You can not deny what you can see with your own two eyes.

[This message edited by RealityStinks at 8:08 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

I bought my wife an iPad mini Chirstmas 2012. Guess what she mostly used for her cyber affair? Rather ironic.

I am over that aspect of things, I recently bought a mini, but sheesh.

Technology makes it easier, sure, but that has nothing to do with a person being responsible for their own actions.

[This message edited by bobf at 8:16 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

I absolutely agree bobf!

Technology makes it easier, sure, but that has nothing to do with a person being responsible for their own actions.

I have been on Facebook, Yahoo Messenger, etc. for years and never felt the need to cheat. No matter how unhappy I have been in the marriage.

I am in complete agreement that he cheated because he wanted to not because of his phone or stupid Facebook. That just made it easier for him to do it and yes easier for me to find out about it.

In my wife's case, technology made it relatively easy for me to unravel almost everything she did. I was able to undelete her gmail accounts and recover her web history and go through her iPad mini backups using software as well as all deleted files from our main computer.

About the only thing I wasn't able to get were most of the emails (I got the chats from her main partner) and I wasn't able to undelete her Ashley Madison account as she paid $19 to remove it permanently.

So I agree, technology made it easier to cheat and a hell of a lot easier for me to unravel what actually happened.

[This message edited by bobf at 8:41 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Well my WW did the real thing first, but then kept it going with "sexting". How I hate that word.

I found out by accidentally seeing a session in progress in her open Facebook.

I hate smartphones. I hate Facebook.

I hate those pictures that will live on some dude's hard drive.

I definitely agree, it is not any kind of excuse for the cheating. Throwing myself off the top of a building is 'easy' because there are lots of them around, but I don't do that.

Having said that, one of the very first thing to go from our lives after D-day was 'technology'. We no longer have cell phones of any kind. I am in possession of the only computer in our home. My H does not know the password to his own email accounts, and he does not do social media. Those were his choices, not mine. He readily admits that he had an addiction to porn, which was made infinitely easier to feed by the fact that he had access to it in his hand anytime he wanted it. He joined a dating site. He carried on a secret relationship for a year via iPhone. Pictures. Texts. No whispered voices on the phone at wrong hours of the day. Very discreet. Very easy to forget that there were real, actual, live people involved in all of this.

I'm not saying he would never have had an affair - knowing what I know now, it was probably just a matter of time. I do think it went to a level of debauchery that it might not have, without the constant access to brain-warping overload. We're removing anything we can from our lives that would have the potential to 'feed the bears'.

Amazingly, we still function perfectly well without everything we thought we 'needed'. We actually have to communicate with one another IRL, now that we can't text each other randomly throughout the day.

Yes, I agree that technology made it easier. My WH started texting OW #1 one night after we spent time with her at a church fish fry. He told himself it was ok to do it, they were just friends, just a text. She responded of course, their texts became flirty, they began texting more often, their texts became sexting, some phone sex, then meeting for lunch, in parks, in parked cars and hotels. WH still describes it as "just a texting thing that got out of hand." Because of the convenience of technology, each step of betrayal was just one more easy step. This was how he rationalized it. When he got caught (he was drunk, and sent an explicit sexual text to me and our DD17) he said it was just a texting thing so it really didn't mean anything. He called it "lustful flirting." They were texting 80-100 times a day. OW wanted to know everything about me - what was a I wearing when we went out, did I look cute. How was my lasagna? Was I having fun? what did I give him for Christmas? What were our kids doing? How were their grades and how did they do in their games? And everything about our sex life - how often, was it good, what positions, did I orgasm. He told her everything. And she did the same about her husband. My WH said it was a sexual thing for them, a big turn-on to talk about what they did with their spouses and compare notes. This went on for 4 1/2 years. The level of violation I feel is beyond compare. OW had some sort of competition thing going about me and my family, and WH was on board 100%. And in addition, WH was texting 2 more OW for the past year. He said he was getting annoyed with OW #1 and was, again, "just texting as friends" with these 2 others. OW #2 also had a child in class with my kids. I've known her for years. She'd show up where we were and stare at us across restaurant. And she would always act surprised to see us, when now I know she was texting with my WH and knew exactly where we'd be. I agree with other posts. If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way to do it. The technology is certainly not an excuse. I just think it is so easy and so convenient, that it makes it easier to cross the line. Sending a quick text can seem so innocent at first, as opposed to actually calling someone on the phone. I'm sorry that you are also going through this. Hang in there.

aero,

So sorry you're here. I'm less than three months from dday and yes, technology made it much easier for him, but was also how I first caught him (Facebook chat).

In my case, WH purchased a smartphone just so he could text with OW. Since I confronted him, he has stopped using his personal cell phone to contact her. But he could still be using his business cell, or he may have purchased a burner phone. They were texting hundreds of times per day, thousands of times per month, and I find it hard to believe that they could quit cold-turkey, so that's why I'm suspicious. He's smarter now, and would know that since I'm suspicious, he would have to consistently hide the evidence.

We're attempting R, but it's really too soon to know where we will end up.

Take care of yourself.

Technology did not start the A, but I believe it was the tool that escalated it at warp speed. He got his new droid phone right as the EA was beginning to heat up. It allowed him to use the phone, text, and Internet in one handy dandy little phone that was easily hidden. They texted constantly, called, chatted, and used several applications to hide their A.

He had me convinced he had bad cell service to explain why I could never get him. Nope, service was good. He did not want to talk to me because he was talking to her. Or, who wants to take a call from the wife when they are banging another.

I hate that phone. He got a new one, but I have the old one put away. Some day I may take a hammer to it.

It defiantly makes it easier, and being a techy guy myself... makes it easier to snoop and find info.

My WW had her EA via text messages/sexting for the most part.

Without facebook, OW would never have found my husband (an old high school friend). Seriously. He has an incredibly common name and moved out of state and did not keep in touch with anyone from high school. His other family had all moved away from their hometown so there was no one remaining to ask.

I'm sure it took some time on facebook to find him as it took her a couple of weeks to send him a friend request after she joined, but she did find him. And she told him that she joined facebook just to find him.

And then the phones, computer, etc., made it very easy to cheat and cover their tracks.

"It's the technology's fault"

Horseshit. I'm a computer guy; I know lots of stuff that would make it easy not to get caught having an affair.

But I CHOSE to never do that. I have clear boundaries. You also chose not to do that. He could have made that same choice.

I also have a swiss army knife that I could use to slit someone's throat. Have managed to resist that temptation so far!

I went to a couples weekend which was a Christian based marriage improvement program named "A Weekend to Remember". I vividly remember the opening speaker saying to everyone very sternly "Facebook is the biggest threat to any marriage in this country today!" He turned out to be very prophetic as my wife started an EA which turned into a weekend A with a family friend on Facebook.