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Flourgirl, We could all use a magic wand at times like this. I feel I'm coming around to this reconciliation. I almost feel like I've got the woman I married back. I'm considering putting enough trust in her to fully commit to R. I've heard fortune favors the fool, but then again there's Murphy's law to contend with.

sidney2718, I've worried about her breaking under the strain too. I read up on the 180. Turns out I was doing it and didn't even know it. I've started easing up since the weekend and my WW has responded by being a little playful from time to time. I can tell she's taking her cues from me on how far to take it.

Dreamland, I'm so sorry you had to go through this nightmare. I hope you had friends and family to see you through it.

There is still something off about my WW thinking process. Maybe it's the guilt she feels. I don't know and I can't quite put my finger on it.

As far as being a sex addict, it's possible. She's always been highly sexual with me. But I've always come through for her.

We are both intense type A's. I'm driven but laid back, She's driven and very competitive. She has always taken the submissive role in our relationship except in bed. She was rigid about no experimenting. She liked missionary, doggie, and oral, more receiving than giving. That was the only way she wanted her sex, but she wanted a lot of it. That was fine with me a lot of the same old sex is better than no sex. Almost every year over the last 20 years I would take an extended vacation in the summer, She's an educator for special needs children at a private school so she has most summers off. I sometime would take 2 or 3 weeks off and we would spend the first week in bed. It was like riding the rodeo but she was the cowgirl and I was the bull. I will say being married to her has definitely kept me young. With her in the saddle it's always been keep in shape or die.

Speak of the devil my WW is home looking over my shoulder trying to read how hot I think she is in bed. She told me to tell you she said back at me. She doesn't like the WW designation she says she's not Wayward anymore, She is now my little whore and she wishes I would let her show me what a little whore she can be for me and only me.

WW just came from her IC and I'm going to go talk with her and see how it went. Be back later.

I'm glad you seem to be in a better place but I want to remind you that this a long road full of ups and downs. My IC encouraged me to always look more at the trajectory than my current location.

They don't call it a roller coaster for no reason. Personally I don't like roller coasters much...

I want to thank every one here on SI who has taken the time to respond her with support and advice. Thank you all so much.

Today I felt weight lifting from my shoulders. Over the weekend I was overwhelmed with mood swings, images in my head and an intense sense of mourning.

Yesterday the mood swings continued along with second guessing every decision I had made in my lifetime. Today the mood swings continue but I feel my downright mule headed stubbornness beginning to kick in.

I turned my phone off this morning and decided today was my day. I took my biplane up and spent over 2 hours away from the bonds of Earth. I dive bombed a couple old barns, scared a few cows and kept my eye out for the Red Baron. Lucky for him he never crossed my path.

If cruising along at 100mph in a creaking moaning 86 year old biplane doesn't bring you closer to God, there is no hope for you my friend.

Flying 10,000ft above this insane world, troubles and worries are down there. Up here it's airspeed, altitude and scan the horizon. There's no advanced technology at work here. Simple fly by wire like it was meant to be. Mess up and you probably get dead. There are very few second chances up here.

I reluctantly came back down to Earth feeling free as a bird with a mild case of wind burn and very stiff legged. I think 86 years ago the average man must have been about 5' 8" I'm 6' 3" do the math on leg room.

My WW has asked me if I would change her abbreviation from WW to MLW or "my little whore". I told her I would note her request and take it under consideration.

When my Wife got home this evening she shared some of the high lights of her IC. We have a female MC and my Wife sees her for her IC too. I don't know if that's wise but I didn't want 2 different counselors with 2 different mindsets. Most of my Wife's session today pertained to sex. My wife told me she has lived a very sexually repressed life and she wants to change. I already knew this. She wants to experiment, but she says only with me. She says she now realizes I'm the only one she can do this with and feel complete and satisfied. My Wife said she knows my approach to sex with her has always been her pleasure first, everything was about her. To her affair partners she was just a cum dump. She said she never dreamed sex could be so cold and impersonal. My Wife swore she would never again let another man touch her. She said it's me or nobody from this day forward.

We talked much more than that, I'll write more later. My Wife has 1 show she watches about a Navy cop and she recorded it earlier in case she was busy when it aired. A few years ago my Wife started calling me Gibbs. She said a guy on tv made her think of me. I've seen a few of these shows now and this guy has grey hair. I only have grey in the lower sideburn area at this point so I don't know what to think. She says it's his personality and eyes that make her think of me. I do agree the guy is sort of cool though. But my favorite character on the show is David McCallum. He's one of my favorite actors.

Her show is over now, going to spend time with my Wife. Later..

Leon

The moods will be up and down.. I wish I knew why with some weekend bad others good. I think you need to pull back. I'm all for a little role play and I had the high sex drive before. He started having performance issues years back. So he then decided he just didn't want sex. So it really bothered me that I was in a sexless marriage with a high sex drive but he chose to cheat. At first I believed him when he said it was just an EA. He said you know my problem. Then I found out that I was the problem and he could have sex. Now he's like when we met 20 years ago and I think he's sincere but I'm not the same person. So he still has issues and it got worse with his illness. Plus I hit menopause so my drive is gone I guess what angers me is that I lost some of my best years because of his issues. Yes I contributed but hell I didn't cheat. I wanted sex and I stayed faithful. He on the other hand was weak and know he was feeling bad after getting laid off and then he felt good and confident especially with mentoring these young women. All looking up to him stroking his ego. I know some if this. But why the ugly short fat one.. She was a good manipulator and she offered sex. But he didn't say why he crossed the line this time. These type of women are always around in every office.

So back to you. I think you still have to be careful. She obviously knows how to manipulate you and she uses sex to do it. That is a dangerous combination. Has she told you why.. Why would she seek out other men when you were there for her. 3 OM .. Why she needs to stop using sex. In fact you should stop having sex and see how do you communicate. Believe me when I just found out all I wanted was sex because it was undeniable that we could share communicate. But after the sex is gone then what. Ask her when did she give her self permission to cheat to get involved with other men.

Take it easy. :)

My WW has asked me if I would change her abbreviation from WW to MLW or "my little whore". I told her I would note her request and take it under consideration.

What are the consequences of fucking a whore?

I already know she had chlamydia and trichomoniasis,

leon, you are being taken for a ride.

I'm betting the men who gave her diseases called her a little whore.

"you're my little whore aren't you. I bet you don't even think about your husband."

"No, I don't care about Leon, I'm your little whore."

Can't you see it? I'm betting she got into being degraded.

Ask her. It may change your mind about whether you like her wanting to be called a whore.

Man, if my wife was being called a whore by men who were fucking her and giving her diseases, I don't know if I could get over it.

Let me be clear, I hope you find happiness whatever that means to you. But I'm starting to think your wife needs some counseling. I don't like the way this is working out for you.

[This message edited by mike7 at 12:25 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

Hello everyone here on SI. My Wife is upstairs asleep. I've realized tonight this woman is not my wife. Whoever she has become, she needs help.

She came home from her IC tonight in such a great mood tonight. She raved about her wonderful day. Was so happy about us snuggling in bed last night. And was kissing and hugging me all night. Really she never stopped being affectionate. There's only 1 tv program that she watches on a regular basis and I knew it was on last night so I offered to cook dinner she insisted she would cook and recorded her show to watch after dinner. We talked as she cook and I help here and there. She talked about her IC session and how well it went. She was happy with how much she had learned about herself.

She asked I she opened up about her fantasies would I promise to keep an open mind and not to judge her harshly. We talked more and she started getting into her sexual fantasies. Some sounded fun, some possibly doable. I do want to say I don't consider myself to be sexually repressed but I admit some of her fantasies disturbed me greatly and sicken me.

She says she trusts me implicitly and wants me to dominate her. She already has a studded black leather collar, which I admit she looks hot wearing it, but it disturbs me deeply. She wants me to be rough and savage during sex to let her know she excites me.

As far as our life, she would like me to sell all of our assets buy a private beach somewhere in Mexico or the Caribbean build a house, shack or hut she said she didn't care which, and spend the rest of our lives making love and nude beach combing. I told her she would get tired of that after a while and she said she could never tire of paradise.

We were quite for a while. I could tell she was nervous. She had bared her deepest fantasies to me and I hadn't indicated one way or the other what I thought. I decided to push her a little. I leaned toward her and said you say you trust me implicitly. She shook her head. I said then answer these questions truthfully. She said ok. I asked, are you hiding anything from me? She said absolutely not. I thought for a while then asked, Are there ever times when you don't feel like yourself? She looked scared and I knew I'd hit a nerve. She asked what do you mean? I said answer the question. She kept insisting she didn't know what I meant. Finally I reminded her, You said you trust me. She calmed a little. I waited. I reached over and pulled her close to me on the couch and said please answer my question. She put her head on my chest and said, Leon I'm scared to death. I think I'm losing my mind. I asked, how long have you felt this way? She said, since a little before Christmas 2012. She looked up at me with tears running down her face and said, please don't throw me away, I don't want to spend the rest of my life in an institution. She begged please don't let this affect us getting back together. I can hold it together, I swear to you. You need me right now, I want to help you through this mess I've made. It's the only thing that keeps me going each day.

I hugged her close and said you're my Wife, my vows said to stand by you in sickness and health, till death do us part. You're not going anywhere.

We sat and talked about an hour and a half with her trying to describe her thoughts and desires whirling through her head day and night. It seems most every thought revolves around sex. And she's been repressing these thoughts and feelings since D Day 1. I asked her if these desires are so strong, how has she been able to restrain them this last almost two months. She said she knew the torture she was feeling was nothing compared to the torture she had put me through. We were quiet for a while. I thought about the hell she had put me through. I thought about the hell she claimed she was going through. I knew she needed professional help. But if I took her to a hospital this time of night they would probably admit her and that was her biggest fear. If I waited till morning I might be able to get her an office visit. This woman needed much more help than I could give her. But the one thing I could do is stand by her.

I stood up and bent and picked her up and headed toward the stairs. She asked what are we doing? I said we're going to bed and I'm going to hold you.

I'm going to take her to our GP today and get her help in finding my wife a good psychiatrist and hopefully she can be treated as an outpatient.

Given your last posts, I'm getting a "50 Shades" vibe. I honestly wonder if she didn't come home to you after having sex with another man and ask you to go down on her because he told her to. And now she's holding onto that fantasy by wanting you to call her a whore.

Why not a WW? That's what she is until her thought process changes and she's willing to be completely honest with you. MrH was upset when I shared with him that some boards called people like him infidels. Apparently xOw2 took umbrage at being called a harlot. This was after d-day but the A was still happening.

They fit the definition at the time and so does your WW as she still has the WW mindset. She's calling the shots on your healing; if her remorse was sincere she'd understand why you don't want to perform that particular sex act. In fact, it sounds like she's trying to push her overall sexual agenda, damn what you need to process in order to heal. Most of all, she'd give you the truth that you know in your gut is there. She tried to trick you into giving her oral with the sperm on another man inside of her.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 6:22 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

The "I'm your little whore" talk, wanting to be dominated, rough sex, etc. makes me very concerned.

I think taking her to a Dr. and getting her to see a psychologist would be very wise. She may be bi-polar and manic and hypersexual.

Wow Leon wow.

I know this stuff hurts but you sound like you are doing well. Your W on the other hand...

I stand by take the contract.

I will say this. You are not her knight. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet on not use the sex stuff to prop up her identity and esteem. If you believe her, get her help but try and remain objective about her prospect of getting better. Your in a tough spot man. She is coping mental illness and it may be true, but she needs to fix it with the help of professionals. Stand by her, but don't prop her up.

My guess is the sex stuff will turn out to be part of her illness somehow. That is a slippery slop IMO.

take care....

Ok few thoughts here.

1. I get your viewpoint on AD's, and agree they aren't for everyone, but again if you are not sleeping and eating consider something to help you manage the anxiety. Your mind, body, and soul are in a full fight or flight mode now, and sustaining that for the length of time it takes to start to heal can be detrimental to your health, sanity, and well-being. Even if you just have something to assist you with good sleep and take every 3-4th night when you haven't slept. Trust me you are so emotionally ingrained in the situation you can see if from a clear perspective.

2. Your wife has some serious issues. And yes you love her very much, and are willing to stick by her side through this, but I want you to consider a few things.

Does she have a Narcissistic Personality disorder? (google it)

Is she on hormone replacement therapy for Menopause? (this can really effect some women with their sexuality, if doses are too high/too low)

You need to get to the WHY of her wanting to be called a whore. This is not a normal thought, or desire for women, yes we want to be considered sexual, hot, and our partners to crave us, however the connotations that go with being called a whore, are really negative.

The thing about a D/s relationship is that the s is willing to do so because it is about their pleasure, and their D truly looking out for their best interest, and having the utmost respect for them. It's NOT about being a dirty little whore. Again I would encourage you to google, or read up on what it truly means. There is an excellent book for people interested in this called "The Loving Dominant". If this something you BOTH feel comfortable with then I would really encourage you to read this.

What I really think is that she has a borderline NPD, and she is panicking now because she has lost control of the situation, and is unsure how to regain the control.

Proceed with caution. Try to remember we are each responsible for our own happiness if we rely on other to provide it, we end up broken and sad.

((and strength))

Wow

((((Leon))))

Even though I am not a mental health professional I have had some experiences with a loved one...Suicide attempt X2..

I am pretty certain that your wife WOULD NOT be admitted in patient.

Inpatient admissions to psych hospitals are for those people who verbalize or have shown that they have high risk of self harm or doing harm to others... Inpatient admissions are kept as short as possible and the person moves on to outpatient care/counseling in his or her area..

Examples for immediate impatient..

Attempted suicide.

Alcoholism / Drug addiction to the point where the addict's behavior is affecting others.. Like getting caught driving on the wrong side of the freeway twice in same month..

So I would insist that she gets EFFECTIVE professional help, but not worry about the possibility of being " locked away"

When your WW gets the right kind of ongoing help, she'll have a better chance of reaching the point of feeling/being more like herself in a shorter period of time ..

A counselor may not be enough..

I would recommend her seeing an MD who specializes in psychiatry...This might be more helpful and it sure wouldn't hurt...

IMHO counseling is more behavior based, whereas psychiatry combines the behavior therapy with the science of treating imbalances in the brain chemistry...

The patient is taught to recognize symptoms in his or her particular case that require coming back in to be seen in-between the scheduled appointments..

I have to say I agree with Wert about the contract..Take her up on it..

If you two R/stay together, this could be helpful for your peace of mind...

It might be helpful for her as well, if this is truly a gesture on her part to try to make things up to you..

Your WW's fantasy of selling everything and moving away to live in a tropical paradise might be her way of saying she wants to start new with you and the M somewhere else....Something for her to explore in counseling..With that said, it is so very tough to pull up roots when you have lived in a community for a lifetime..She is gonna have to balance her needs and wants with those of her loved ones..

ETA; Acch, I didn't read your previous post thoroughly enough, before recommending that your WW get the help of a psychiatrist...I see that you are already planning to do that..My prayers and thoughts are with you..

Sending you peace and strength..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:19 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

She may be bi-polar and manic and hypersexual.

My xww was bipolar. She seemingly opened up to me about those issues and we sought help together. I assured that I would stand by her because I was her husband. My only requirement was that she get help. She had to get treatment. She never really committed to any treatment. Kept changing doctors and ultimately did little more than take meds and continue to lie and cheat.

Be very careful. Do not ignore your own health (physical, emotional or mental).

Wow Leon, you have a lot of your plate.

Someone else mentioned, you cannot be the knight in shining armor here. Yes, you are her faithful partner of many years, but that is what you are, her husband... Not the man who can rescue her from her demons.

Never, and I mean never, can I see myself asking my husband to call me "his little whore" and I have a fairly broad sexual appetite. This request is so odd and even demeaning towards YOU. As someone else mentioned, I am sure this is likely part of the affairs. Someone else has been calling her this, and she wants to once again relive that "excitement". It might be "only you" physically, but in her mind there will likely be much more to it.

She has delivered you the biggest blow ever.. Yet, you guys are sitting around discussing her sexual fantasies instead of working on everything she can do to HEAL herself and work as a partner to heal the marriage. Also. this talk of selling everything and moving to paradise... Ummm, what about those 4 kids I see you guys have? And likely grand kids in the future. Has she abandoned everything that should matter in order to live our fantasies? There is something very wrong here. And maybe physically she is separated from these other men, but mentally I suspect she hasn't even begun to separate based on your discussion.

When I first read your discussion, I too like tushnurse thought of the possibility of the weird mess being part of the STD that you encountered on your wife that night. Did you do anything for her after that night without that same messy experience? Also, was it like your wife to come home so intensely horny and beg you to do that? Seems part of the fantasy (as sick as it is), "Go home and have your husband do this, little whore"..

I don't know... Always, always, trust your gut.

I'm betting she got into being degraded.

This.

I'm not really shocked by any of her fantasies regarding domination. Consenting adults, cool, whatever. But bringing a bunch of people on the internet into it by having you change her designation to MLW? That concerns me. She's still bringing others into what should be between you two, which to me is affair behavior. I'm sorry.

Get her to a psychiatrist immediately. If it's something like rapid cycling BPD she needs meds and treatment. If it isn't a psychiatric problem then you can feel better having ruled it out.

Psychiatrist, actual doctor, asap IMO.

You are being expertly manipulated. Your wife wants this reconciliation normalized ASAP and she is using sex to do this. Too much, too fast.

I believe that she tried to get you to perform oral sex after being with another man as one of her mind liberating fantasies. I would not be surprised if she doesn't soon suggest a threesome with another man; that may be her ultimate goal.

Sexual adventure seems very important to her and it doesn't sound as if you fully on board. Wonder what she will do about that when her adultery has been whitewashed with steamy sex and she decides its time to experiment. What an ace manipulator.

I see the tone of your posts changing. You are eating all of this up and are normalizing her very disturbing actions thoughts and words. Not because i think your trying to "prove" this to others like we see often, but because you are being sucked into her dark world and losing your prior wise grasp on reality. Don't allow her to suck you in and become her partner in crime. Climb back out of the hole she pushed you both in. Although I find everything you have reported her saying and doing thoroughly disgusting (and may or may not be the result of mental health issues) I firmly believe if you are a willing party to any of her fantasies and requests/demands, then that is totally ok. What you do as a loving couple is totally fine and your business. But from my vantage point, I think you are alluding to being ok with it, but I don't think you are. That's where this all being ok ends. You can't agree to this and even call it hot out of desperation of losing your wife. Your soul will pay for this in the long run. But I suspect you are way too new at this to realize what is happening yet. You have barely hit stage 1 of this multi stage process. But please be aware your feelings toward your wife will not always be like this. Swooping her up in your arms like a romantic movie ---that's just not what you think it is. If your not careful you will look back on this time and have regrets.

By all means get her the help she needs. And she needs a lot of help. You may even need help trying to get to the truth of exactly what kind of help she needs. And then you should back off. You need to step back and view this from a distance.

Lastly, I can't help but notice that her A has taken a back seat to all of this other drama. Perhaps just because you haven't touched on it in your posts, but it appears she has successfully diverted you away from all things affair-related, including your healing and her consequences.

Take good care

Wondering how you are and if your GP was able to refer your wife to a psychiatrist ..

Leon

Ok Duck...

2x4 coming.

Sorry but I call bullshit on your wife. Goes anyone else see the roles reversed. Shouldn't his WW be doing everything in her power to get alien back. She's a major manipulator and you are co-dependance on her drama. I agree she's mental but I think she's planning all this to miniseries her role in the destruction of your marriage.

Leon you need to put your bitch boots on cuz she's taking you to town. Sorry my friend but that's what I'm seeing. I hope that she gets help but you need her to support you during this time. I am angry for you because I think you are being a nice guy and she's taking advantage of that..