SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You know what is never mentioned? "Maybe she's not doing enough to get him hard?"

That's probably because you're reading men's magazines, who prey on men's insecurities to sell ads and magazines!

Check out Cosmo or women's magazines, and it will be about lingerie to turn him on, new moves to try, etc. Magazines write to their target audience, and typically target insecurities to sell their advertisers' products.

In my case, we were having sex regularly, but he'd always complain that we never had sex, or that it had been months, when it might have been a few days. Just another red flag I should have noticed! So if he were telling the low-frequency lie to me -- the person who would know best -- I'm sure he also told it to MOW!

Well, Jesu, I see you edited your post where you were calling "us" bitter, judgemental, blah, blah, blahs. Yes, that was rude and offensive. Now we are just insensitive. Whatevs!

Thank you for your concern though.

Respectfully, right back atcha'!

Why are you hell bent on attacking me? I've never directly called you anything. No, I am not rude and offensive...and I resent you repeatedly calling me that.

I edited my post on the advice of a mod, and to better clarify how I have been made to feel. I'm not looking to argue, just to express my opinion.

Jesu,

No one is attacking you. We're all allowed to post our own opinions and disagree without showing disrespect.

SisterMilkShake,

You've made your point.

Thank you

I am sorry you had to get involved, wifehad5.

Sincerely, I am sorry you feel attacked Jesu. If I somehow made you feel that way, I am truly sorry. I will bow out now, wifehad5, and once again, I am sorry you had to get involved.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:01 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

No one is attacking you. We're all allowed to post our own opinions and disagree without showing disrespect.

wifehad5, so far SisterMilkshake has accused me of being:

Hateful

Prickly

Looking to get offended

Thin Skinned

Rude

Offensive

I am none of those things. They certainly feel like attacks, and quite disrespectful, especially considering I have never directly called her anything.

For which she has been flagged for and publicly apologized for.

I am just getting caught up on this thread. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to reply, and I am sorry if anyone found it triggery.

Hugs to everyone who is hurting.

I once kept track of how many months went by with no sex. It was 8 months, and nothing from her as far as wanting intimacy. I was always the one who initiated it. Always the aggressor, always the love maker. While she rolled her eyes and said stuff like " I don't have time" or "you should have let me know yesterday". I don't call that a loving wife. I can remember one time when she made the first move. I was approx. 30 years ago before we were married. That is why I went else where. And yes it was VERY wrong. But a man has needs.

That is why I went else where.

Oh dear.

my apologies, my comment was off topic and not needed.

Thanks

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:37 PM, January 17th (Friday)]

What karmahappens said.

This sexless marriage crap gets on my last nerve. The one thing I have figured out is that it is impossible to have sex with someone who is not there.

I know WH used this line to get the women at work and at the bar to feel sorry for him. He even told his doctor he "wasn't getting any".

Did I spend my limited spare time chasing his crotch? No....cos he was not there.

We were mid-40s, two teen-agers, two jobs, recenty retired from military, married over 25 years with some looming health issues. Sex was not what it had been in years past, but I thought was OK for our time of life. I was looking forward to the next couple of years when kids would be on their way out and we would have more time to ourselves. I still loved him and until the doctor comment thought that he loved me.

WH had recently begun spending large amounts of late night time on the computer which meant I went to bed alone most nights. Did not know about the days he waited for me to leave for work then called in sick because he was sleepy or because he wanted to spend the day uninterrupted on the computer. Then he began "playing pool" at a local bar. I had never seen him play pool ever and he does not smoke or drink. ??? If he was really worried about the amount of sex why did he not stay home?

Then I did the math (I am a numbers person). Took total hours in a month deducted time for sleep, work and mandatory sports TV. Number wasn't too bad. But, you still had to have time for eating, bathing, house cleaning, going to grocery store, bill paying and you really should speak to kids occasionally. OK...smaller number.

Then the kicker. I deducted the 120 hours a month he was on the computer (per AOL, not just my guess)and the 40 hours a month he was at the bar. These two things alone cut that already small number in HALF. HIS CHOICE!

He no longer sings this song...to me at least....cos I pull out the numbers and he cannot win that argument.

So...once again you cannot have sex with someone who is not there.

[This message edited by realgood2u at 8:26 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

I think sexless was defined somewhere as less than once a month, IIRC. This M was sexless in that aspect, about once a month was it-kids in the bed kinda keeps you from having sex.

No kids in the bed any longer, we are up to about 2 times a month now, woo hoo.

Well, I am the BS -- and I would consider my marriage sexless. A couple times a month is about all I could count on.

At that rate, it might as well have been nothing. In my humble opinion, if the default answer is "no" then there is a problem. If the "rejected" spouse quits initiating then there is a problem.

I am going to be honest, on some level I had given myself "permission" to have an affair. I never did, even though I had opportunities with attractive women.

The main reason I did not -- I could not stand the thought of what an affair would do to my family. I thought of my kids. And even though I felt like my wife had done everything she could to ensure I would cheat, I still had to look in the mirror. So, I resigned myself to the situation and held out some hope that she would change.

Well, after D-day she was willing to have sex with me anytime I wanted. But it was too late.

So, not having an affair is still a choice, but a lack of sexual intimacy can certainly lead to an affair. To my surprise, she was the one who went down that path.

but a lack of sexual intimacy can certainly lead to an affair.

i am sorry, I have to respectfully disagree with you Later. A lack of sexual intimacy doesn't lead anyone, anywhere.

You also said it was a choice. It may make one vulnerable, especially if they have a lack of boundaries, but it doesn't lead someone to an affair. You lead yourself everywhere you go. How about leading you to a divorce? Or, to marriage counseling? Or to individual counseling?

I can remember one time when she made the first move. I was approx. 30 years ago before we were married. That is why I went else where. And yes it was VERY wrong. But a man has needs.

So when you need to take a shit you'll just drop one in the bed?

30 years, you had a lot of time to take a lot of other options. "But needs" doesn't mean jack shit.

It's okay Sister, I understand that it is not a popular opinion on this forum, and especially not in this thread. Nonetheless, I believe that the lack of a healthy sex life leaves both spouses more susceptible to the temptation of adultery.

Yes, adultery is still a choice -- and I chose not to commit adultery. But, there is no doubt that I was a lot more at risk than I would have been had sexual rejection not been the dominant theme of our sex life for many years.

And note that I am not saying it excuses the adultery. In fact, I believe it's not only the person who is sexually refused who is at greater risk, but also the spouse who is refusing.

I am not alone in these beliefs. I believe that this is also what is taught in 1st Corinthians 7:4-5. Certainly Paul was not giving anyone a free pass on adultery and neither am I.

And yes, there are other options. I tried many things -- including marriage counseling. It was a failure.

It became clear to me that nothing I did was going to make a difference. She needed a change of heart. Until she made a decision to make an effort, nothing was going to change.

What I did not try was divorce, as leaving my kids was against my values. Looking back, I wish I had made that decision. It would have forced the issue. Perhaps she would have started trying (as she did after Dday), or I could have left the marriage much earlier and I could have avoided this pain.

[This message edited by Later at 10:36 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

I believe that the lack of a healthy sex life leaves both spouses more susceptible to the temptation of adultery.

I agree with this statement. However, when you say it leads to an affair, I disagree. It didn't lead you to an affair because you still had boundaries and integrity. You were unselfish. The lack of sex doesn't lead anyone anywhere (as it didn't you), it is their brokenness that leads them to bad choices.

We didn't have a healthy sex life, it wasn't sexless, but almost. FWH had to beg me for sex. I love sex, love it! FWH was a selfish ass, though, (not sexually, very good, actually) and wasn't meeting any of my emotional needs. He would tell me to "Shut up, bitch!" and then 15 minutes later he wants sex. Sorry, not in the mood!

When we did the quizzes in "Not Just Friends" we found out that I was actually the person much more vulnerable to an affair. I didn't have an affair, like you Later, because from another quizz in the book we found out I had strong boundaries.

Anyway, Later, I was thinking maybe it is just semantics, because I feel we agree more than disagree.

I was actually thinking the same thing as I was reading your post.

I do believe that a sexless marriage is an unnatural and unhealthy state. I think that regardless of whether one is refusing or refused, the better course is to refuse to allow the marriage to stay in that state.

Whatever the underlying reasons are, be honest about them and discuss them. Don't let up. If the reasons persist, then divorce.

After Dday my STBXW finally talked to me. I really don't know whether she was being honest at that point or gaslighting.

But, if she was honest then there are many things that could have been resolved through a simple discussion. She claims that she thought I was having affairs for years. To be honest, I find that hard to believe. Her "evidence" of infidelity would have been comical if this was not so serious.

Meanwhile, the reality of the situation was that I was the guy who did not go to lunch with women, did not engage in inappropriate discussions, and did not tell or listen to jokes with sexual innuendo with members of the opposite sex.

I could go on, but my point is simply that my main regret is that I did not force the issue years ago. Since Dday I learned a lot about my marriage and my STBXW. I wish we had actually talked before.