SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Glad to hear from you. I was a bit worried.

Paternity test today with results due in about five business days. I'm still in limbo but it's not a totally bad thing. At least my kids see their father every day. Life at home is eerily normal. I told my WW that if she is trying to work things out with me that all flirtation with the OM had to stop. She can flirt with him, but if she does then she has to leave. She gets that, at least.

Hoping against hope that I'm the dad...but not getting my hopes up. Yup, it's a fine line.

{{{{hugs}}}}

k9

No matter the results, we will all be here to help you thru this.

(((Hugs)))

Why in the name of all that is holy is she still in contact with the OP, let alone flirting with him?

If the flirting means that much to her, she can certainly continue the same, only separated from you with a divorce looming.

We teach people how to treat us. Accepting your wife's contact with OM to the point of flirting only reinforces to her that you are someone to disrespect.

I will be thinking about you this week. There are some tough decisions ahead, I am thinking.

Cat

Why in the name of all that is holy is she still in contact with the OP, let alone flirting with him?

If the flirting means that much to her, she can certainly continue the same, only separated from you with a divorce looming.

Reread my post. This is exactly what I told her. They still talk because they work together. I know they flirt, called her out on it and set my conditions as stated above.

We teach people how to treat us. Accepting your wife's contact with OM to the point of flirting only reinforces to her that you are someone to disrespect

.

This statement is very very true. You have been scared to set any boundaries at all with her since she brought this shitstorm into your life. By doing so, you have allowed her to continue to disrespect, and consider you a lesser than equal partner in your M.

I will be pulling for you this week, as waiting is the hardest thing in the world.

Please please please reconsider how you deal with her. Draw your line in the sand.

Personally I would demand NC, either she leaves that job, or he leaves. Just telling her she can't flirt with him is doing nothing. How would you even know? And even if she does stop she is NOT dealing with the root cause, and brother if she doesn't do that you will be right back her in a year with a new guy, and even possibly a new baby on the way.

(((and strength))))

You have been scared to set any boundaries at all with her since she brought this shitstorm into your life. By doing so, you have allowed her to continue to disrespect, and consider you a lesser than equal partner in your M.

Please please please reconsider how you deal with her. Draw your line in the sand.

My line in the sand is no flirtation. Feel free to draw your line anywhere you wish. We are not in a position for me to demand for her to quit her job over this. Because she must work and because I cannot get him to leave his job without breaking the law they still work together. Therefore they still communicate. If I said, "Don't talk at work" then that would set a condition she would be forced to break. Then how strong would I look?

How do you know she isn't flirting with him at work?

You said no flirting. But they still talk. When you're not around.

How do you know she isn't flirting with him?

You don't. That's why NC is so necessary.

Ok. She has to work. I certainly understand that. Is she trying to find another job? How much time has she spent looking for another job?

Im sorry, SAF. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the affair is still ongoing..just somewhat underground.

Has she said she wants to R yet? Is she doing anything to show you she wants to stay married to you?

How do you know she isn't flirting with him at work?

You said no flirting. But they still talk. When you're not around.

How do you know she isn't flirting with him?

You don't. That's why NC is so necessary.

Ok. She has to work. I certainly understand that. Is she trying to find another job? How much time has she spent looking for another job?

If I am unable to confirm whether or not she is flirting with him, how would you expect me to confirm whether or not she is talking to him? This makes no sense. Are you saying that if she agrees to NC then, presto! - nothing to worry about? But if she merely agrees to no flirtation then, oh no...she might be flirting behind my back. Please explain this logic to me.

She is not looking for another job, but he is. He's getting fed up because she hasn't left me for him. I've also applied for jobs that would require us to move. We'd still be in the general area but she could no longer work out of her office. She could keep her job but work out of a different office. She is willing to do this.

My point was...as long as she continues to have contact with him, then you will never know if she is crossing your line in the sand..because you can't know the extent of their conversations while they're working together.

OM is getting tired because she hasn't left you yet? That tells me he still thinks he has a chance. That he is getting signs that he has a chance.

If she can work from home..why isn't she doing that now?

Has she done anything to heal the damage she has caused?

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:50 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

If I am unable to confirm whether or not she is flirting with him, how would you expect me to confirm whether or not she is talking to him? This makes no sense

Yes, exactly. It doesn't make sense and thus NC isn't really enforceable, right? Is there total transparency here?

All you got to go on is "actions". From her. Where and what is it?

((SAF))

If I am unable to confirm whether or not she is flirting with him, how would you expect me to confirm whether or not she is talking to him? This makes no sense

You monitor what you can. email, her phone, credit cards etc.... It is a difficult line in the sand to choose, as you cannot confirm contact in the sense that you describe. However, it is your choice.

People move on from infidelity at their own pace. 6 years out I can see all kinds of bargaining going on here. But I can tell you that 6 months into my own situation, I wasn't willing to even let the idea in a little that my bargaining wasn't productive. I understand your hanging in there until paternity is established. I understand that you are trying to make the best possible decisions you can in the shitstorm your WW brought into the family.

You are literally living with the enemy. And until she pulls her head out of her ass and see's the destruction, you can't trust her to do one single thing with the best interest of the family in mind. You don't have to hate on her, but you do have to take measures to protect your heart and your family from her inability to function in a manner that puts anyone but herself first.

I would encourage you to head on down to the 'I can relate' forum on OC. Get an idea what the outcomes could be. Get an idea on what practical steps you need to be thinking about.

I am so very sorry you have to deal with this and hope that paternity is established soon so that you can decide where to go from there.

double post- Sorry!

[This message edited by redrock at 1:11 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

OM is getting tired because she hasn't left you yet? That tells me he still thinks he has a chance. That he is getting signs that he has a chance.

If she can work from home..why isn't she doing that now?

Has she done anything to heal the damage she has caused?

I'm not sure I understand the part about the OM. If he's getting frustrated then that means he thinks he has a chance? What would it mean if he weren't getting frustrated? I'd be way more concerned if he weren't getting frustrated.

I never said she could work from home. I said that I can get a new job that would necessitate a minor relocation. Such relocation would require her to work out of another branch office of her company. Her current office is the only one within commutable range.

Admittedly, she hasn't done much to heal the damage she has caused. Despite my telling her, I'm not sure she fully understands the damage she has caused, particularly to our children. But she hasn't left despite many opportunities to do so and I'm pretty sure our kids are the reason why.

I would encourage you to head on down to the 'I can relate' forum on OC. Get an idea what the outcomes could be. Get an idea on what practical steps you need to be thinking about.

I am so very sorry you have to deal with this and hope that paternity is established soon so that you can decide where to go from there.

I've checked out and posted in the OC forum. Almost all of it relates to a WH who impregnates another woman rather than the scenario I am facing. I guess my situation is much more rare. Still, I have found some good information in that forum.

Thanks so much for your support. ALL of you, really.

We're all just worried for you. (((hugs

SAF, I have no words of wisdom but wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry for all the horrendous pain and stress that you are going through. (((Hugs)))

We are not in a position for me to demand for her to quit her job over this.

You say that so "off the cuff" like, "this isn't bad enough for me to make her quit her job."

Makes me wonder what would be bad enough to make you stand up to her.

She has crapped all over you, your marriage, and your family. And she continues to disrespect you by remaining in the presence of the OM (IN ANY CAPACITY, JOB OR NO JOB)

And then she has the audacity to discrepect you further (after you didn't throw her out, like you should have) by not even lifting one finger to look for a different job. Really?

If she has the ability to work for the same company, but work from a different office, why not in the very least make that request???

Then, you get all snarky with the people here who are trying to help you!

Hey, we have all been served up our shit sandwich here. And yours may or may not be shittier than than others. You seem to think that your situation is "shittier" or different than others or most here and should be handled as such.

You "nicing","being agreeable" and doing all the heavy lifting (all the hard work) in your situation will get you NO WHERE. Actually, the worse the situation, the tougher you should be. Not nicer.

What incentive does she have to make any changes at all? She has you & OM fighting for her. She must think she's quite the prize.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:11 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]

Bravo Sadtoo! I couldn't have said it better myself.

SAF, seriously, the people on here are trying to help you. At this point it sounds like you're running in circles while she sits back and does whatever she wants to. Don't you think you (and your kids) deserve better than that? Right now what your kids are learning is that it will be ok for them to have a relationship like this in the future. They can either hurt the one who loves them with no consequences or they can have their hearts stomped on and accept it. Do you really want that for them? Do you really want that for you?