SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

SAF,

There have been plenty of Waywards on this site who gave up their jobs because of the affair. They can not work together, unless you're ok with having three people in your marriage? It might help you to read a few posts on the Wayward forum: people like Aubrie, AlyssaMD, 20Wrongs, and countless others who have made positive steps in helping their spouses heal from their betrayal. I'm just wondering If maybe you saw what remorseful people sound like it might open your eyes to how unremorseful your wife is?

But here's a quick snapshot of what you should be seeing:

Her balled up on the bathroom floor crying her eyes out, snot all over her face, maybe throwing up. Dreading going to work because she has to see the man she blew her life up with. Her praying to God the OC is yours so she never has to see that man again. Her desperately trying to find any way to remove this man from her life.

Does that sound like your wife?

I can see you're getting frustrated with the advice you're getting but please take a step back and see it from our perspective. While all of us have a unique story, unfortunately the plot is all the same. We've all seen the signs of someone who is still cheating and someone who is remorseful. Unless you're leaving out a huge amount of details, it's rather obvious your wife is still involved with this OM. We're just trying to save you from making the same mistakes many of us have made.

If she has the ability to work for the same company, but work from a different office, why not in the very least make that request???

Because if she works out of a different office then we need to move and I lose MY job. See how that works? I need to secure a new job within commutable distance of one of her offices first.

Hey, we have all been served up our shit sandwich here. And yours may or may not be shittier than than others. You seem to think that your situation is "shittier" or different than others or most here and should be handled as such.

There's plenty of pain to go around on this site. I get that. I've never made any comments about my situation relative to others' situations. Please don't put words in my mouth.

SAF, seriously, the people on here are trying to help you. At this point it sounds like you're running in circles while she sits back and does whatever she wants to. Don't you think you (and your kids) deserve better than that? Right now what your kids are learning is that it will be ok for them to have a relationship like this in the future. They can either hurt the one who loves them with no consequences or they can have their hearts stomped on and accept it. Do you really want that for them? Do you really want that for you?

I somehow doubt that in 14 years my older son, who is now 3 years old, will come to me and say, "Dad, when I was three and you found out about mom's affair, why didn't you divorce her right away? Why did you fight for three whole months to try to save the marriage and the family? I learned then at a young age how weak you were and I've never recovered. Also, I doubt I will ever have a healthy relationship with my future spouse. Three months?! Really, dad?" Maybe I'm gambling with their lives. Shame on me if I am. But I'm really trying to look out for them, too. Honest.

My line in the sand is no flirtation.

She's lied to you, betrayed you, cheated on you, gotten pregnant by OM, continues to betray you, continues to maintain a relationship with OM, does NOTHING to work on R....and your line in the sand is if they flirt? Really?

The fact is you talk a good game, but in reality you do not have a line in the sand at all. The more shit she shovels your way, the more you say "please sir, may I have some more". She knows this. She knows you aren't going to do a damned thing, but suck it up, and she's using that against you.

What difference does it make if you move? Move or stay, you still have to deal with the true problem...your wife! No matter where you are, you'll always have to worry about what she's doing and with whom. She isn't working to change. She isn't trying to get to the root of her issues. She's just enjoying the game.

If she were actually remorseful, you'd have so many people supporting you to reconcile. Most of us want to see that happen. However, many of us can see bullshit for what it is and right now that's what you are dealing with. You can't fight for R when she isn't willing to fight for it too.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 8:07 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]

SAF we know this is incredibly hard, we get that. However we also have the benefit of hindsight. You seem to take offense, and get defensive with things we say when we offer advice, but still miss the bigger picture.

At the end of the day even if she stops flirting, even if OM falls off the face of the planet forever, you still have a much bigger issue to deal with. That issue is the elephant in the room that you continue to ignore.

Your wife chose this. She chose to have an A, she chose to rewrite your marital history to rationalize her decisions, and she chose to allow herself to get pregnant. She has in no way exhibited remorse, regret yes, remorse No. She in no way has acknowledged that she is broken in a very bad way. Without that piece of the puzzle falling into place she will most certainly continue to have an A with this joker, or with someone else.

She's lied to you, betrayed you, cheated on you, gotten pregnant by OM, continues to betray you, continues to maintain a relationship with OM, does NOTHING to work on R....and your line in the sand is if they flirt? Really?

What's done is done. I have decided not to draw a retroactive line in the sand. I told her what I need from her now and moving forward. Some people would call it quits after any incident of cheating no matter what. That's fine. I respect whatever decisions others make within their lives and marriages.

What difference does it make if you move? Move or stay, you still have to deal with the true problem...your wife! No matter where you are, you'll always have to worry about what she's doing and with whom. She isn't working to change. She isn't trying to get to the root of her issues. She's just enjoying the game.

If she were actually remorseful, you'd have so many people supporting you to reconcile. Most of us want to see that happen. However, many of us can see bullshit for what it is and right now that's what you are dealing with. You can't fight for R when she isn't willing to fight for it too.

The move is partly due to my need for a new job anyway. If I still have a job in which I travel out of the country three months every year then I don't fancy my chances in a custody battle. Look, I wish she were remorseful. I wish she felt anything. She has had her head in the sand pretending that nothing is wrong for the last three months. That's starting to change because she sees reality heading her way. Her friends are starting to ask why she has been AWOL. She's starting to show. Her parents are visiting this weekend. Her fantasy is starting to crumble and she is starting to see how destructive her decisions have been. I see that as a good sign. The situation is far from ideal, of course. It would make lots of people here happy if she were the 'ideal' WS. It would make me happier, too, believe me. Maybe I've set the bar lower than 'ideal' for now. We get the paternity test results early next week. I'm not feeling the need to make a final decision before then.

Can your entire family live on just your income alone? If so, I would go talk to HR at her company explain to them that the OM got your WW pregnant, and they were able to carry on their A at the workplace.

Who knows what the outcome is, but I'm willing to bet her workplace would take some measures to cover their ass from liability. Maybe that means OM loses his job, your WW loses her job, or both.

That there is a consequence. Then your WW has to rely on you for income. Reality really sets in.

That is my suggestion, IF you are not planning to D her. Otherwise, let her do what she wants to do while you get your ducks in a row. If your waiting on the paternity results to make that call, I can totally understand.

What everyone here is stating is true with regards to consequences. Your WW hasn't faced any REAL consequences yet. I don't think trickle-down consequences from friends and family are going to make that much of an impact. She already rewrote your M. She'll just tell them that version of it. Be prepared to defend yourself.

I have decided not to draw a retroactive line in the sand. I told her what I need from her now and moving forward.

That's just it....there is no line in the sand period. You can't say "no flirting", but it's okay if you still have a relationship....and that's exactly what you are doing. And again, it doesn't matter what you say if there are no consequences to back it up.

Sometimes I wonder if some of us don't suggest courses of actions because it is what we wish we were able to do or had done. We want to live vicariously through someone else standing up to their WS.

I lived this situation as a young child. No one thought my father's infidelity would effect me. And, without ever thinking about my parents' relationship problems, I began to echo my mother's actions. I spent my teen and early adult years doing anything and everthing I could to hold onto a relationship. I let men use me and, quite literally, abuse me. I only realize now, in my forties, that I was echoing my mother's need for love and stability.

I was only four when my family when through this. My mother held on with both hands for two years before she finally threw him out. It did effect me. Young children absorb more than you realize.

Are you/she going to tell her parents what she's done when they visit?

SAF, although my story is nowhere similar to yours, I admire you for handing your situation how you see fit. Not everyone fits the mold here.

That's just it....there is no line in the sand period. You can't say "no flirting", but it's okay if you still have a relationship....and that's exactly what you are doing. And again, it doesn't matter what you say if there are no consequences to back it up.

Please (re?)read my original post about what I said to her regarding this matter.

I know this won't be a popular comment, but who will get the results of the paternity test? Just you two or OM as well. If you truly want to R and she's truly remorseful and wants to R, can you move your family, claim this child, love this child, and never look back at OM? It may not be best for him to be around this child. It takes a special guy to be a dad. Genetics does not always play that part. My point is can you just tell him you're the dad. He has no legal rights for now and must respect NC anyhow, so that may make him move on and go away.

Look SAF a lot of people are giving advice, you are free to stand pat, you have a plan, good. If the child is not yours then when she has it, she, not you will have to deal with that reality, you will not have pulled any trigger, time and circumstance will force her to deal with that reality, you will have not have sacrificed anything but some time.You find a new job, she transfers to a new office and at some not too distant point in time she will be forced to deal with all she's done and at that point you will be in a much better position to dictate your requirements

I know this won't be a popular comment, but who will get the results of the paternity test? Just you two or OM as well. If you truly want to R and she's truly remorseful and wants to R, can you move your family, claim this child, love this child, and never look back at OM? It may not be best for him to be around this child. It takes a special guy to be a dad. Genetics does not always play that part. My point is can you just tell him you're the dad. He has no legal rights for now and must respect NC anyhow, so that may make him move on and go away.

This is my preferred outcome but my WW doesn't want it. We only tested me and so his paternity will not be established even if I am ruled out as the father. I still hope that she will choose the route you described. It's not too late no matter what this test determines.

Hi SAF, wanted you to know that I've still been reading as you go but haven't checked in as you have many that are. Just wanted you to know that I'm still pulling for you and your family.

yop

Her reaction/desires around the paternity test information scream that she is still in the affair. Big-time.

That being said, what are you going to do about it. You can't control her actions, but you can mete out consequences.

You shouldn't be the one fighting for the marriage--Ashe should.

Cat

Please (re?)read my original post about what I said to her regarding this matter.

(the flirting)

Ok. First you said this:

I told my WW that if she is trying to work things out with me that all flirtation with the OM had to stop.

This sounds like it's STILL going on and you are making yet ANOTHER unheard request to her to stop flirting with the OM.

Then you said this.

Reread my post. This is exactly what I told her. They still talk because they work together. I know they flirt, called her out on it and set my conditions as stated above.

See the problem? "I know they flirt" ??? This would be intolerable in a healthy marriage, let alone one on life support!

First you say there's a "line in the sand" then you say there's not. It's ok either way. But the line can't move on a regular basis. And you can't throw a line out there without attached CONSEQUESNCES. And most important, you must be willing and ABLE to follow through with the consequences.

Suggestion:

You have an ideal situation coming up with her family arriving. I would tell them all about the "situation" while they are visiting. Tell them what you are willing to do, that you are there for the "long-haul" and that you are committed to your wife and family, but that you are dealing with a family crisis right now and need all the help and support you can get.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:32 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]

I am reposting this to clear up the massive confusion that seems to have taken over the thread.

I told my WW that if she is trying to work things out with me that all flirtation with the OM had to stop. She can flirt with him, but if she does then she has to leave. She gets that, at least.

Emphasis added for purposes of clarity.